hubby's work...... Warning - A Long Rant!

Rabster, well done!

That sounds like a good compromise with him agreeing to take a chunk of the parenting, and you're so right, it will be a gift to your ds AND your dh if they can get a real relationship. It's SO worth it.

And that's just how it should be at weekends; you need some time out of the house to be you as well as a mum.

I'm so pleased for you.

I agree, pink, different things work for different families and many parents don't have a spouse anyway (like me now) and some like my sister are single mothers by choice by donor sperm. On the boring point at least I know that's how I feel and did something about it which worked and none of the family suffered - I worked but they had good care and turned out fine. I love babies for an hour or two but after that I just want to go into the office and read or work.

well done for both coming to a compromise!!! isnt that what its all about?? im a SAHM and my DH works 9-5 as an IT Manager (with minimal late nights and callouts) but also works as a medic in a nightclub complex from 9.30-3.30 thurs - sun. i love being at home with my 14mth old dd and from just coming back from a break in wales both dd and dh love the time they get to spend together. i dont understand how babies can be thought of as boring - they are wonderful and so interesting (where does dd get the idea of handbags and how to carry on when i never use them??) i get time to read/study/watch lost while dh is at work at weekends but we have set nights which are ours to watch a film/go out/chat etc and he is nearly always home to sit and have tea as a family and to listen to ds read and kiss dd goodnight before he goes for a kip before medic work. i think different things work for different families!!!

casbie, am just about to start doing your work pattern, you are easing my mind somewhat. thank-you

rabster - hope it all works out, and you're feelings are probably what a lot of us feel with a new baby.... and you are never alone with mn.
GOOD LUCK

My DH works late every night (I'm thrilled if he's home by 9pm) and I guess I'm just used to it. My friend's DH is the same and so she has altered her DCs routines to accomodate his hours. They have a really late nap and then get up again at about 8.30 for supper, bath and some time with Dad before bed. Works really well for them.

i would just like to add:

i work full-time and in the beginning it was very hard, with a new baby.
i get up at 6, leave house at 7.30 and back home at 6pm.
but, if there's a job that needs completeing then it might mean that i don't get back till 8 (when the children are in bed).

however, things change. baby doesn't need me so desperately anymore and isn't devestated if i'm not back exactly at 6. my hubby goes out on a friday and i have sunday mornings and a couple of short swims during the week. and to be honest it's much better. we both are contributing to family life (him more than me), but we also have our own interests.

when the children are bigger again, i will love sharing the sports that i do.

best thing is to be patient, which is hard if your unhappy to see the light at the end of the tunnel. but baby won't be so demanding and hubby won't be away so long forever. as long as you both plan nice things to do in the future together, you can cope with the rough and enjoy the smooth.

so book time to go to the park together, go for a meal, visit friends together and cherish!

: )

Xenia - we all know that you think that being at home with a little baby is boring. You don't need to tell us again.

Rabster - haven't time to read the whole thread but wanted you to see it from my POV. I'm on maternity leave, we have no money so my wonderful dh is working weekends (ie 7 days a week) so I can stay at home and have more time off with my adorable ds (7 months). I know your dh doesn't need to earn more money but you may want to see a different perspective on things.

xenia, its all about choice, so i guess this thread is getting fired up becos most of us are bringing our rants into it - i know i am , the main issues isnt about working/ not working its about both patners being happy with the working arrangements, and ensuring that the baby is also happy, after all we choose to bring them into the world, its up to us to ensure they are happy when they arrive.

People out what works for them but I do think mother home alone with baby who doesn't work and husband working all hours there are is just about the worst deal for women in creation and juggling your own full time work instead and making the husband have to arrange child care long term works out better.

Anna, some people do. Talking to my daughters and their university student friends who are picking careers they look at issues like what job takes long hours. Their investment banking riend they know is already working weekends and the girl p issing about doing antiques earns a pittance despite her AAAA, first degree etc loves it but knows the long term financial implications; the one working for virtually nothing at a women's magazine they think is doing really well though as she gets some "free clothes" as if that's the equivalent of another £30k a year so I suppose there is some naivety which their parents help to dispel and they look at what jobs they could combine with working best, which ones you can leave and set up your own agency from home doing in due course and which jobs that's not possible.

What is clear is a lot of people my age who have worked 20 years do not do the same job for 45 years and then draw a pension and I suppose in a long marriage at various times one person will work longer hours than the other. Nothing matches the long hours of a mother at home with a baby without work and oyu dont' get paid and it's as dull as ditchwater. Can't imagine why any woman chooses to do it but they do in droves and yet they don't all love it.

what brought it home to my dh was my lo screamed everytime he picked her up, and stopped immediately when i took over. I was glad, it gave me th eopportunity to say, well what do yuo expect, she has no idea who you are - cruel i know but it made him feel really useless. He ensures that he makes it home in time for bath time now, and works after she has gone to bed.

"What I am sure of is there is no God given rule book which says every couple must work no more than X hours a week to achieve the perfect balanced family life. Different people need different things from their family and work."

Xenia - quite right, and if one partner is working 60-70 hours a week, it makes it quite hard for the other partner to work even 40 hours a week (a normal full-time job) and give the children and the couple relationship enough attention (and all that before dealing with mundane matters such as cleaning and ironing).

Surely one of the hardest things is that we choose career paths before having children and it is very hard to know in advance of having children just how much time and energy you will want/need/wish to invest in your relationship with them. So even if you say, as you do, that you knew in advance of the marriage just what time investment the other person's career would involve ie negotiation over, when the children come along you actually will need to discuss and renegotiate your time commitment to work. It is naive to believe otherwise.

i tihnk its nice to have a bit of support with a lo, especially if its yuor first. These times are so full of worry and angst, or at least mine were,and my lo is only just 6 mths old.

Xenia - "all eggs in one basket" - the baby is 12 weeks old!

I know you will now tell me that you went to work 30 minutes after having all of your 5, but still - 12 weeks is tiny and most women would not be working again.

I suppose it's more a husband/wife relationship issue, this thread. WOmen on here happy their husband works late. Others not. Some women working late. When I was married although my husband was a teacher his school day (ex boarding school) officially ended at 6 and there would often be things after that although for long periods he left then to get home to let our nanny get home.

But at least 2 or 3 nights a week he was out on school things and then taught all day Saturday and at times we needed that money. I used to find his private teaching night to after 9.30pm Tuesdays difficult when I was home after a hard day's work looking after 3 under 5s and the house until then on my own but then there were other times in the marriage when I'd be working late (probably more) than he had. He also worked often on Sundays for pay as he plays the organ. I knew he did that when I married him but sometimes it was difficult. So very very many Christmas Eves and Easter Sundays when he just wasn't there and I who worked full time anyway always dealing with lots of small children on my own when everyone else seemed to have husbands around to help with christmas present wrapping etc.

At the time I think we both accepted the other's hours because they were exactly as we knew they would be when we chose to marry each other. He knew my job and I knew his and we both knew we needed the money too and we both knew we wanted the careers we had.

What I am sure of is there is no God given rule book which says every couple must work no more than X hours a week to achieve the perfect balanced family life. Different people need different things from their family and work.

asn as fo complaining he gets back after a BABY is in bde well sheesh
id love dh t be around beofre american office closes at about 9pm

imo oyu take the money you pay the price
but tbh it hink he is hiding fomr the baby

i bte oyu he wnts pa nd q

a lto of mena rent soenamoured wiht ehbaby bit

i just wonder what the point of starting a family is ,if yuo arent going to put them first. Its not always about what you want...its also not an oversimplification to say that on your deathbed..., i didnt actually say that .However i work in an area of the nhs when dramatic things can happen to people unexpectedly,, and when these people genuinely are told how unwell they are , or if they will live or die within the next hour,
believe me it isnt work that they want to ring. So chaps cherish what you have and work hard to keep it. As i also said its all about balance.

My dh never gets home before 9,30, on a good day, and travels too. It's obviously not ideal, but his career is super interesting and can only get better. I wonder whether it's worth it, but then your children are your children forever. I bet that when they're older they get a lot out of their parents having really amazing jobs too. Weigh it up against all the frustration and "what if" wonderings that you might end up dealing with if things were different. Also, if he gave up under pressure from you then he might blame you and that would be dreadful. Up to a point I agree that it's easier to deal with a dp's job if you've got a professional life of your own. Spending the day looking after babies and doing the laundry, then finding yourself on your own at the weekend, not to mention tapping your feet in the evening wondering whether you should be having dinner on your own or waiting for an elusive dh is not obviously very rewarding. Especially if he then makes comments about what an easy relaxing life you have compared to his busy and important one.

In the end though, it's very important to come to an agreement of some sort and to try to like it. Having a dh that works all hours, AND whinging non-stop about it is a total disaster. I just took an executive decision not to complain. I recommend finding a hobby to fill the time between bedtime for kids and dh coming home. Then smile and be pleased to see him.

I don't think 7:00 is very late to get home. To me working late means someone gt home at midnight.

I think you are more resentful about the life you had to give up than you are about his work. I do think a babysitter a couple nights a week so you can get out and get involved in something (not necessarily a paid job) would be good. Meet up with other mums, join a gym, a political organisation, a bridge club, whatever you like to do.

The one thing that screams out from this thread is that there's no right or wrong way. I think it's a bit of an oversimplification to say 'on their death bed no one will look back and wish they'd spent more time in the office.' Put that way sounds deadly dull, but I DO think some people look back and think 'Gosh, I wish I'd had a meaningful career/achieved something more outside the home'. Some people are happy with the very polarised roles - one parent being the worker and one being at home. Others want a different balance. There's pros and cons of both. DH and I were sure from the outset that we both wanted fairly equal roles. We both teach, I was part time while children were pre-school and full time since the youngest was four. The downside is that we're never going to earn a fortune, as we might if I'd married someone who wanted a high status city job. The upside is that our 3 children know as a reality, not just in theory, that mums and dads can both cook dinner, do the washing, play football and have a professional life. The key is honest discussion with your partner.

Althought I work 4 days a week I often hsve to work late as my job demands it. There is nothing worse tha ringing home to a hostile partner. I feel badly enought that i won't see kids that evening and to have a Dh being huffy just makes it harder.
I work because I have to and i like to.
I am sure given the choice DH would rather be home.

WTF?
negotiated