To not know how to discipline my 4 year old

Reins, attach him to the pram. If it embarrasses him a bit no matter; keep it up until he's embarrassed enough to stop the behaviour. Natural consequences and all that.

Hi did this get any better? Really struggling with my 4.5 year old running off all the time and like you, I have a pushchair so really hard to control him. If I try to hold his hand he just shakes it and refuses and massive tantrum on the wet grass which happened the other day. I’m worried he’s going to get hurt. I am taking the reins with me tomorrow but I never see any child his age on reigns! Just want to know that this improved so I have hope !

Good plan! Best of luck!

Can you do a quick to digest snack, good drink of water and let him play in the playground for a while. That would help him to calm down - I can't talk to my 4 year old for 5/10 mins till shes had her snack and the sugar seems to get into her system.
Talk to him at the weekend when he's not tired and agree some ground rules together that he's prepared to stick to with a high value reward.
E.g. really wants xxx toy - can have a jar building up to it. Each day he gets 10 mins in playground to be silly, then walks home in sight of you and earns a marble for his jar. Mine responds better to positive consequences than negative ones. But we need to pick our moment to talk about it - usually after lazy breakfast at the weekend not when rushing to and from school.

First term at school they’re hyperactive but also tired and hungry. When you pick him up from school take an apple for him. If he eats it he doesn’t have to hold your hand BUT he is absolutely not allowed to cross any roads without you. He stops at every one. He’s far too young to cross on his own even if he thinks he’s looking both ways for cars.

Try to stay calm and talk to him quietly. If you get hyper he will too.

I'd let him run ahead if the pavement is wide and so long as he stops at roads. Warn him before hand that if he doesn't he will have to hold the pushchair. If he refuses to do that then reins. I doubt you'd have to use them more than once! If he refuses to walk then point out what you won't now have time to do (something he enjoys). Ignore any screaming etc. Hitting would have a consequence from me.
He will learn if you're consistent. If he learns he can do what he likes by embarrassing you he will continue to do that. And it's really not safe if he's running into roads no matter how quiet.

It’s not easy. Is there somewhere you have to be after school? If not I’d be tempted to try just staying there for as long as he likes.

I got a copy of "How to talk so little kids will listen" and it is working amazingly with my 3yo.

Just randomly selecting some of their techniques could you try

• acknowledge his feelings and come up with a solution together: "you really don't like to leave the playground when it's time to go home. When we go this afternoon what could we do so that we leave on time?" and get him to make a list with you of ideas? You write ALL of them down no matter how odd. Then you both go through and cross off the ones you don't like ("we stay in the playground til midnight") until you find one you do both like ("when mummy says time to go, he can have one more go on the slide and then leaves")
  
  [NB this one doesn't work quite so well with my 3yo who doesn't see why I should get a power of veto, but it might work with an older one]

• offer a choice: do you want to leave right now or do you want to leave when this egg timer runs out?

• put him in charge: Alfie, it's nearly time to leave. Can you take charge of this timer and tell us when it beeps and it's time to go?
  [This one, so far, works like a dream and is why I have a kitchen timer in my bag!]

I'd allow him to run ahead if he's with his friends and there's not much traffic.

I don't think you are being too protective, even if where you usually walk is safe from cars you need to know that he will listen and stay beside you for when you are not somewhere safe.

Forget other parents if you want him to walk holding the buggy that is perfectly sensible, explain just before going out the door, this is what he WILL do..if not he will have to have reins on his backpack, (have this ready so he knows you are serious)

Follow through regardless, if he doesn't stay holding on to the buggy put the reins on straight away, tell him he can only have them off if he stays walking beside you...it may feel difficult but he will get the message pretty quickly.

Once you have sorted that issue apply the same idea to leaving the playground, tell him in advance, in the morning, that he must come when called and walk with you, or he will have to go to his room once he gets home with none of his toys for 10 minutes/will miss his TV time/ or whatever is most appealing to him.
Be very clear.

If he doeesn't come when you call him, then go and get him firmly by the hand and tell him to hold on to the buggy, let him know that he has ignored you and will have to do the consequence as stated that morning...follow through regardless of any arguing or resistance.

Tell him the same the next morning .....he will probably listen! If not repeat..

At some point all Dcs need to understand they have to do as they are told and have consequences....annd you need to feel he is safe.

Good luck!

I've always given dc limits on how far they can go. The usual rule is two houses or two trees depending on where we are. They are not allowed around corners until I can see around them too. The usual phrase is 'If I can't see you, I can't help you.' If they go too far to often they have to walk with me and the baby/hold my hand/go on the reins for a period of time until I can trust them again to observe the rules.

I don't have problems with handholding while walking but my 3 year old does sometimes flat out refuse to leave playgrounds. If it is a situation where I know he is safe (e.g. School playground as you have said above). I first tell him that I will leave without him. If he doesn't come I just leave. When he realises that I amgone he comes running out and doesn't do that again for a while.

I would also let him run ahead - how would he know this is 'naughty'? He is just enjoying himself - as long as he stops at roads that would not bother me. My 5 yr old likes to run/ cycle on ahead as far as he can but he stops at roads. What are you worried about? He isn't going to go missing at that age - he is not a toddler anymore presumably he knows the way home and where/ when to stop for cars.

it's very very normal for a 4 year old starting school to be monstrously behaved at the end of the day - mine was the same.

From their point of view they have spent a very long day following rules/ watching for new social rules/ learning who is who/ who does what when/ who plays in what way - in a big group of children. They are exhausted even in a play based environment.

It might seem like he is the only one acting this way but that seems unlikely. I would not make a big deal about this sort of behaviour tbh - just calm and clear boundaries. Maybe tell him that if he won't leave the playground with you you will have to carry him like a baby -

or - soft approach - bring a nice snack for him to reduce stress - he gets it as you walk nicely together down the road.

be really selective about what you absolutely need him to do for his own safety, vs what you are just being dogmatic about.

if he wants to walk with his friends, can you not just let him do so (they are not walking with their parents either) and keep a close eye on them?

it sounds like he is a good boy who gets over-excited and maybe a little anxious about being seen as mummy's baby boy at these particular times. it does not need to be a battle of the wills to establish your dominance over him for the sake of it - it is better not to crush his spirit - always of course moderated with making sure he is safe (but not wrapped in cotton wool!).

Can you talk to him outside of this time and say you understand he wants to be with his friends and he can do that as long as he does x y z to be safe, and that it is also twattish to put you down in front of other parents so to stop doing that? I usually find speaking to children like human beings gets a good response.

Does he need to hold the pram if he walks on the inside (so you are between him and traffic) instead?

Am probably too lax, but hey. Let him run ahead to speak to his friend, let him hang around playground as long as he wants (he’ll get bored), take food for pick up.

Reigns until he learns to listen