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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be too enthusiastic that dp wants to go to Japan for the third time in a year.

60 replies

Carmenere · 11/04/2007 20:21

Dp does martial arts and is very, very highly graded. He goes to Japan regularly to train with the soke(master teacher) and he also studies Japanese traditional medicine. He went to Japan just before Christmas and just after. I understand that it is important to him and, although I was a bit peeved at being left on my own twice in a short space of time, I dealt with it.

I travel alot for work and often it is to nice places but it is still work. He doesn't want me to go to Japan with him even though dd would be fine with my dm, he says I never take him on my trips. FFS, there is no question of me taking him on my trips as others are paying for me to be there.

He, when under pressure, grudgingly says that we will have a family holiday this year(we have only had one in the four years we have been together) But when pressed he is evasive.

Now he has a history of being incredibly selfish and self absorbed and tbh I am pretty fed up with it

If he can't see that A: we need a family holiday together and B: it would be nice if I went with him to Japan, I think it is a sad indictment on our relationship and that I am not going to spend the rest of my life taking second place to his ambition.

OP posts:
BigGitDad · 12/04/2007 18:35

Have you got him that song I think I'm turning Japanese by The Vapours? Great song in the 80's.
Think I'll get me coat...

hatwoman · 12/04/2007 18:26

that sounds so sad. does he really not realise what he's doing? would he agree to go to Relate? they're pretty good at helping people see each others pov

Original poster
Carmenere · 12/04/2007 18:13

Well What I am trying at the moment is to concentrate on myself and not wallowing in being miserableness anymore. My circumstances are certainly bearable and many would be very happy with my life, so I am going to make the best of them for the time being and do what I can to keep going.
I have to say my biggest fear is that he doesn't ever see what he may be doing to contribute to the breakdown of the relationship. He has a pathological fear of being 'told what to do', he regularly calls me a bully and say's that I should just decide to be happy.

I am not a bully and I haven't just decided to be unhappy. We have been through unknown horrors together and he doesn't even vaguely appreciate how lucky he is. I have moved heaven and earth to be with him and he has just stepped back and said great now give me more. It is a fundamental flaw in his personality. I suspect(and I am not alone) that he would register on the lower end of the autistic radar.

He is a wonderful man in many ways but compromise is alien to him and I believe he will let me leave rather than 'give in' so to speak. And if he does, that is fine I will be better off without him.

OP posts:
hatwoman · 12/04/2007 17:39

carmemere - in answer to your op, no you're not unreasonable. he does sound selfish and he is putting his ambition before his family. you are also quite right in saying that you're not going to beg him to spend time with you. but you have said you love him and that he loves you and that he's capable of evolving into an unselfish partner. Yet you;re making independent plans to go to Ireland - Mrs A is right - this sounds like you've given up. fwiw my advice would be - forget the small picture (japan another time or not, "beg" him to spend time with us or not, family holiday or not) and shake your whole relationship up - your "he can come if he wants" - and his selfishness over japan - indicates you're not in a partnership, where you take decisions jointly, accounting for everyones wishes and needs. telling him this to his face and that you need to address it together isn;t the same as begging him to spend time with you - it's pointing out a problem, that if you do love each other - you need to address.

Original poster
Carmenere · 12/04/2007 17:26

I have Hunker but he doesn't get it(as it would be inconvenient imo) he just gets angry and says 'we will go on a holiday' but will never talk about actually doing it and tbh I am resigned to leaving him tbh. Not immediately as I totally love dss and he has another year in school and he would be heartbroken as his mum is horrible to him but I will probably move back to Ireland with dd then and he can come if he wants.
But you are right, I am not going to beg a man to want to spend time with me

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 12/04/2007 17:22

Have you told him that, Carmenere?

I would say "I'm worried you don't seem to want to spend holiday time with us. I'm not interested in nagging you to spend time with us, because it is beneath me to have to beg you to want to do that, but if you don't want to do it, I would like to know why, and whether you see a future for us as a family?"

Original poster
Carmenere · 12/04/2007 17:19

I don't think he has a girlfriend in Japan as I think he is planning to go at the same time as my brother who also does this martial art.

He does love me but he is a selfish git who can't see beyond his own ambition/ego and he will end up on his own if he doesn't have some kind of growth as a human being.

His answer to everything is that he looks after dd when I go away. Oh I don't know how it will pan out. He is perfectly capable of evolving into a considerate human being, I just am worried that I won't be around to see it

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 12/04/2007 17:13

But I understand it. I got to a point when I didn't want to spend any time with my husband, we got on so badly. I truly would just about have enjoyed an afternoon with anyone on the planet except him. Very very sad for him of course.

sunchowder · 12/04/2007 16:47

Sorry Carmenere....I would feel the same. The thought in your own mind that he doesn't want to spend time with you or the family together would hurt me a lot. It is just his self-absorbed personality though, probably nothing to do with his feelings for you--but still it would bother me. Then having to force a vacation talk when in your heart you want him to want this and to bring it up first instead of thinking only of himself.

God, it is all so much give and take and what you can tolerate and what is not acceptable. All of our relationships have this, you are not alone. The hard part is figuring out what you can live with and come to a peaceful place about instead of feeling hurt.

Eleusis · 12/04/2007 16:09

Is anyone else thinking about "lost in Translation"?

Sorry if this is out of line. But, I think his desire to go without you is strange. And you do sound like you've given up. Sadly, I think I know exactly how you feel.

Judy1234 · 12/04/2007 15:48

Is he paying for it?
It's certainly strange. Even if he goes there for siome kind of spiritual not sexual fulfilment presumably having your partner with you shouldn't stop that. What about you suggest you on pleasure trips costing the same without him or your child which cost the same and for teh same amount of time. I do think achieving equality without nagging is often a solution in these things.

DivaSkyChick · 12/04/2007 14:52

Is it possible that he has a girlfriend in Japan? Just a thought.

MrsApron · 11/04/2007 23:57

The whole "he can come if he wants" thing.

Have you kind of given up on him already? Does he know?

It does sound a bit as if you are very slowly breaking up with him.

Original poster
Carmenere · 11/04/2007 21:42

Yes Mrs Apron, you are right he does, and he isn't really. He has not been too bad but basically he is very very selfish and in truth even though I love him I am not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life playing second fiddle to his ambition.

My tactics so far have been to just ease off and please myself, I've stopped nagging him and am just trying to concentrate on being happy. I'm sick of being miserable.

I am planning to move back to Ireland in the next year or two and he can come with me if he wants.

OP posts:
MrsApron · 11/04/2007 21:34

Did you not have this dilemma already not that long ago? iirc there was loads of other stuff as well and the trip was a catalyst.

He really really needs to make you feel like you count and are a priority I think.

tribpot · 11/04/2007 21:32

domo arigato Carmenere-chan

Original poster
Carmenere · 11/04/2007 21:30

Don't worry trib, you will not be cited in the divorce

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/04/2007 21:26

Er - hurrah! I do think that I - and by extension you - are quite reasonable, though. Japan is Far Away. A trip to some lovely part of Europe with his family does not seem OTT to me.

Original poster
Carmenere · 11/04/2007 21:21

Thanks trib, I will insist that he makes time in his schedule and books a holiday before he even contemplates booking a another Japan trip.

OP posts:
MuminBrum · 11/04/2007 21:07

Don't be too jealous about work trips, Kama, they get old real fast! Actually I thought your suggestion was quite sweet but it would freak me out (am something of a control freak ).

tribpot · 11/04/2007 20:56

But if you did something in which you were very highly graded, let's imagine you were a world class marathon runner a la Paula. Would you still want to make time for a family holiday? You bet you would. On which basis, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. He's getting plenty of 'me' time (as in him time) and it must cost a bob or two. You deserve you time, and also family time.

Original poster
Carmenere · 11/04/2007 20:54

It is not really a work trip, he has to pay for it himself.

OP posts:
kama · 11/04/2007 20:53

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MuminBrum · 11/04/2007 20:51

Having my wishes considered? I've never been a fan of surprises, TBH.

kama · 11/04/2007 20:50

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