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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be too enthusiastic that dp wants to go to Japan for the third time in a year.

60 replies

Carmenere · 11/04/2007 20:21

Dp does martial arts and is very, very highly graded. He goes to Japan regularly to train with the soke(master teacher) and he also studies Japanese traditional medicine. He went to Japan just before Christmas and just after. I understand that it is important to him and, although I was a bit peeved at being left on my own twice in a short space of time, I dealt with it.

I travel alot for work and often it is to nice places but it is still work. He doesn't want me to go to Japan with him even though dd would be fine with my dm, he says I never take him on my trips. FFS, there is no question of me taking him on my trips as others are paying for me to be there.

He, when under pressure, grudgingly says that we will have a family holiday this year(we have only had one in the four years we have been together) But when pressed he is evasive.

Now he has a history of being incredibly selfish and self absorbed and tbh I am pretty fed up with it

If he can't see that A: we need a family holiday together and B: it would be nice if I went with him to Japan, I think it is a sad indictment on our relationship and that I am not going to spend the rest of my life taking second place to his ambition.

OP posts:

Eleusis · 14/04/2007 11:43

So, if his money is stretched. And I can imagine it would be with five kids. How can he reasonably afford the price of 3 jollies to JApan in one year???

Perhaps this is none of my business, but the whole thing does seem weird to me.

Heathcliffscathy · 13/04/2007 18:46

carmenere...you are not being unreasonable imo.

although no one can ever evaluate a relationship from the outside in it looks to me as if you are pulling far far more than your weight.

I'm so sorry that you feel that the best thing is to wait a while and then leave....if he KNEW that wouldn't that shake him into some action?

SherlockLGJ · 13/04/2007 17:58

Good manners dictate that I will not post what I am thinking.

DD would love it in green end of Surrey, (as you once called it) you need to start heading down here at weekends and leaving him to his own devices.

Original poster

Carmenere · 13/04/2007 13:55

Excellent, thank you

OP posts:

Eleusis · 13/04/2007 13:52

Okay, what happened to the now missing letters???

Typing is not one of my better skills. (but organising a good booze-up is)

Eleusis · 13/04/2007 13:50

C mene's night out in Wimbledon -- everyone welcome

You have a right to be happy. With or without him. Even if it is just for one night.

Original poster

Carmenere · 13/04/2007 13:44

Ok, however I suspect he has every intention of going, he just is smart enough to know when to keep his mouth shut.

But yes I love sushi.

OP posts:

Eleusis · 13/04/2007 13:41

Ok, should we start a new thread. We could even have a sushi theme in honour of the trip your DH appears to no longer be taking.

Original poster

Carmenere · 13/04/2007 13:40

Oh yes I love Wimbledon, lets

OP posts:

Eleusis · 13/04/2007 13:39

Well, we could do Wimbledon. I can take the train and you can take the tram. What do you think?

Original poster

Carmenere · 13/04/2007 13:37

The Croydon end Elusis, nowhere nearly as nice as you
I'm a journalist.

OP posts:

Eleusis · 13/04/2007 13:33

Oh, well tell us Carmenere. What do you do?

And er... which end of Surrey is the crap end? I've been know to travel too. I live on the Northern Surrey border.

Original poster

Carmenere · 13/04/2007 13:29

Elusis - when I said London I actually meant the crap end of Surrey. So nowhere near the tube unfortunately. But I have been known to travel so....
Xenia - I admit responsibility for my situation, I'm generally just having a moan because I'm fed up with it and I do have plans on how to change it. I know I need to work on my self esteem and that involves physically and mentally. I love my work and I am good at it. I have a sneaking suspicion that dp would prefer it if I didn't work, he shows zero interest, even when I achieve. It is pretty sad really.

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 13/04/2007 12:14

But C you have allowed that, kind of made him like that, let him leave you with the children and I bet the 7 year old's French mother wouldn't be too happy that instead of good quality time with the father he's gone off for 3 days.

Eleusis · 13/04/2007 11:09

I find the best way to get men to pull their weight in housework and childcare is to leave the house.

Seriously, if I'm there I have to tend to the kids. If I am physically removed then DH will do it. DH is homw today with two kids (aged 4 and almost 2) because the nanny is on hols. I'm at work. Okay, I'm on Mumsnet, but I'm sitting at work.

Where in London are you? Accessible to the southern or western portion of the District Line?

MrsApron · 13/04/2007 10:10

i think i thought he was self supporting leaving him loads of time for glorius hols caremenere. Sorry for wrong end of stick.

Original poster

Carmenere · 13/04/2007 09:47

Yes I am in London and am on for a booze-up, no he is not taking the kids. Funnily enough he has not persued the Japan trip idea, possibly because he has just gone away for the weekend (he is doing a masters) and has left me here with 3 of his five kids, only one of which is mine, one of which is French(aged 7 visiting for holidays) and doesn't speak english and one of which is 18 and spends half the day in bed[grr]
I don't think he is a fully blown narcisist, but he defintely has quite a few traits.

OP posts:

Eleusis · 13/04/2007 09:29

Carmenere,
Are you in London? We could arrange a mumsnet booze up for when your DH is in Japan and have loads of fun without him. He is taking the kids isn't he?

Original poster

Carmenere · 13/04/2007 09:25

No he does work, very hard to be fair, but he has five children, so money doesn't go too far. Off to google narccisistic disorder.

OP posts:

MrsApron · 13/04/2007 08:40

Elu i don't think Carmenere has to support him.

Eleusis · 13/04/2007 07:56

What? He doesn't work? So, you support yourself, him, your daughter, and his son... and he can't arsed to act like a civilised considerate human being towards you? I would be most and .

This man is not making a good name for himself in my book.

On the subjec of you taking care of your own happiness, do you have activities which you enjoy without him? Church? Health club membership? Meet-up with friends? etc.?

MrsApron · 12/04/2007 23:52

Self esteem still hanging by a thread there

my dd1 is 3 too. They are alternately fabulous and hell beasts I think.

Am I getting this right, because he looks after your dd(as in he is her dad right?) when you go away for work he is entitled to a holiday/jaunt/self fulfilling trip on his own?

Bang out of order. You mentioned autisitc behaviour, i know I have posted this before on threads but try googling narcissist or narcisstic personality disorder, just a hunch.

He doesn't work does he iirc? I think building yourself up sounds like an essential plan. Make you feel/look/behave like a wanted woman and you will feel fabulous. If he ups his interest it is a bonus but not the goal. He should want to spend time with you regardless.

Original poster

Carmenere · 12/04/2007 23:10

DD is just 3 and dss is 18. In truth my self esteem is pretty ow and I need to build it up again. Perhaps if I do I would be more attractive and he would want to spend more time with me. Although he should anyway

OP posts:

MrsApron · 12/04/2007 21:26

awww carmenere you sound so sad and resigned. How old is DD? And how lovely of you to be thinking so hard of your ss's welfare.

vitomum · 12/04/2007 18:48

i'd be peeved if his holidays alone meant he didn;t have the time / finanaces left for family holidays. less peeved if he still had enough time off work and money for the things i wantes us to do together. although tbh it maybe sounds as though you'd be struggling to get him enthused about a family holiday with or without the japan trips.

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