Re ex and DDs periods

I was similar at your daughters age, my g.p tried me first on the two medications mentioned in this thread, unfortunately they didn't work for me. I was bleeding a lot, my very heavy period lasting two weeks and only having a week to two weeks respite in between. Periods were wrecking my life and I was missing up to a week of school a month, due to exhaustion and horrific period pains. I remember my lovely g.p suggesting that I go on the pill. My Mum freaked and refused to let me go on the pill. My g.p threw my Mother out of the room and told her I was old enough to make that decision for myself. He then sat and explained how he thought the pill would help me, he also explained that it wasn't a license to go out and have sex. He advised me to wait until I had met someone that I loved. He also lectured me about the dangers of sex without condoms.. I was fifteen so a few years older, I wasn't embarrassed at all, (in fact I trusted his advice and as well as starting the pill) I took his advice and waited six more years until I had met my now husband, before even thinking about sex.

My Mum was so angry with the g.p and with me for disobeying her. It was worth it though! I didn't react well to microgynan 30 but after being put on Loestrin my periods became regular, lighter and a lot less painful! I had polycystic ovaries too and the pill really helped with this (there may be something in doctors saying that having children can cure it, as having my children made my periods lighter, shorter and clockwork regular!)

My Mum never spoke to my Dad about any of it! Her reaction to my being put on the pill, did make me less likely to confide in my Mum later on. I won't put my daughter through that!

I have severe m.e too mummy to little dragon, although I link it to firstly the MMR (when I had already had two rubella vaccinations) and then glandular fever. I didn't start my period until a year after that. Recent research suggests that severe m.e is triggered either by a huge trauma or by viral trauma (which trigger the problems at cellular level throughout the body). I can see how an influx of synthetic hormones would have a similarity effect, although I imagine you would be on higher doses of hormones than the contraceptive pill. In my case I believe it was the viral trauma although I have friends who were abused as children and have been told that was a likely trigger. I certainly felt a lot better after going on the pill, I think very heavy periods can drain the body almost as much as m.e can.

I hope that your g.p can find a treatment to help your daughter, its miserable living with such heavy periods!

Both my dds were similar to your dd - anaemia became a huge issue too - both requiring several iron infusions ( despite 3 years or iron supplements). Tried the pill - not at all successful - despite different types - eventually Gynae inserted Mirinena under GA which has been great success. Within months their Hb was normal for first time since age 12, no periods, no spotting. They were 14&15 - now 18 & both fit & well.

I would also be concerned with “Big Pharma” messing her hormones up.

This is because the pill completely messed my endocrine system up. I have chronic fatigue syndrome (ME). I know the day when my body was tipped over the edge and I lost significant amounts of energy. It was the day after I took the pill at 35 ish for ivf. I never recovered and became progressively worse after my dd was born.

Your daughter needs you to help her here. IGNORE YOUR EX.

Is he controlling in other ways too? How absolutely vile

You can get a closer appt, just keep ringing your GP in the morning or try here:

www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Sexual-health-information-and-support/LocationSearch/734

Let her go on the pill if it’s for health reasons. It’s her body why is his opinion relevant exactly?

I don’t understand why you asked for his opinion/permission in the first place.

Wow let’s get period advice from a man that’s anti ‘big pharma’ and let your daughter clearly suffer. Jesus. I feel sorry for your daughter. Imagine having awful cramps and bleeding everywhere, being in constant pain just because your dad thinks you can eat your way to pain free periods?

So I'd *

I struggled with painful periods when I was younger, but older than your DD. Crippling pain meant missing uni lectures then work. Endometriosis it turned out. No 12 year old should have to put up with that solid see GP to find out underlying cause.

Somebody asked what his suggestion is? Exercise and a good diet
It's a bit hard to exercise when you're bleeding all the way through your clothes and in incredible pain! Your ex is an absolute dick, and I can see why he's an ex. This is nothing to do with him. I'd rip any man (aside from a qualified professional) a new one if he tried to comment on my periods. Even another female can't understand what it's like to be in that situation if they've always experienced pain free, light, periods.

Your poor daughter. What she's currently going through is hell, and I hope she has a reprieve soon. Personally I'd be asking for the three-monthly injection that stops periods full stop.

I suffered in much the same way, albeit not until late in my teens. It wasn't until I suffered my first ectopic pregnancy (my first pregnancy, to boot) ten years later that it was discovered that I'd been suffering from endometriosis all that time. I went on the pill in my late teens to try and help with this. Unfortunately I had to try about five-six different ones they all had adverse reactions on me.

I wish your daughter good luck.

He’s just very wary of “big pharma” hmm pushing drugs on society and genuinely believes it can be solved by food and exercise.
Does he have that same dickish attitude towards people who need to take drugs for cancer, or antibiotics for general illnesses'?

Lots of good advice here OP, but whilst you're waiting for the GP, do honk about getting some period pants to stop the leaks.

Diary Doll pants from Boots or I think they've now remarketed as Pretty Clever Pants.

Last line of defence sort of thing - she could have a spare pair in her back but perhaps always wear them when her period is due.

Good luck finding a solution. Tranexamic acid might be a much better first option than the pill.

Ah I really feel for her. This was me at the same age.
It's horrific, crippling and so embarrassing when you don't dare stand up in class in case you've leaked.
Mine was dealt with effectively by going on the pill. It took a lot of pills before finding one that worked.
On the negative side it did mean when older I was a bit lax with contraceptives as I'd been on back to back pill for a long time and it also affected my fertility (took 7yrs to finally conceive).
It's probably no help but knowing what I do now I'm not sure if go down that route.
Has someone explained properly tampon etc use as nobody ever told me they hurt if not in fully? I refused to use them for years for this reason.
Also make sure iron levels are tested and regulated, you don't want her battling anaemia as well.

OP your DD is clearly in need of medical intervention / assessment as she is struggling in pain and her menses is clearly negatively affecting her life... So NO YANBU! She has come to you, she clearly trusts you and you're her advocate in this - not your ex, so whilst he may have PR and can voice an opinion it doesn't mean he gets to dictate anything! I think pp are right to say that your DD has a right to privacy in this regard - especially in view of your Xs unreasonable attitude and responses, I realise it's a fine line to walk! But DD surely deserves the opportunity of a qualified medical opinion and options to resolve what must be an awful situation for her?YANBU! Good luck 🍀

Was she at her dad's for the periods when she wasn't at home?

I have the utmost sympathy for you as you deal with this difficult man and try to re-establish yourself as an individual after the experience of living with someone who likes to dominate.

My comments here are based on the experience of dealing with my own exH - please don't think I am having a go at you:
He likes to be informed about all aspects of their lives and is very involved in everything.
Normally society would pat a man on the back for such a level of involvement with children after separation or divorce.
However, in this case, it seems clear he is doing it in order to maintain the level of control he had while the family was a unit, and it is not healthy. You need to get stubborn here and try to break old habits, both his and yours.

You do not have to inform him about all aspects of his DCs' lives. If you have a court-ordered custody agreement, does it stipulate what matters he needs to be consulted on? If yes, then stick to that.
If not, learn to play your cards close to your chest.

Just because he wants the information doesn't mean you have to give it.

Both times she came home from school he got a text from the school on the “your child was not here for x,y,z lesson” system. He phoned and asked me where she was and I had to tell him. Just unwell wouldn’t have statisfied him.
So invent a plausible illness like vomiting or diarrhoea? You did not have to tell him exactly what happened.

Also, why is he getting texts from the school about absences? Who is the resident parent here? Did he insist on the school sending him every notification they send you? Is there any way you can quietly tell the school to stop notifying him if a DC has to go home for illness, or at least to stop notifying him if DD has to go home because of menstrual issues? Please approach the school and put your case to them that your DD has a right to a say in who gets to know about her periods.

Two weeks ago I had to run a fresh skirt up to her and he noticed she had her old skirt on that night, at that point I said it was getting ridiculous and I would take her to the GP to sort something out ie the pill or something else. The row has been rumbling on since, the links today about periods/hormones/the pill reminded me to ask on here!
You do not need to engage with him at all, on any topic. Don't let rows rumble on.
Say, 'Thank you for your thoughts,' after his first shot from the lip, and do not try to get his permission or agreement after that.

If you have a set idea in mind about how to tackle some issue, and it's not a life or death situation, he does not need to know and you do not need to speak.

I gather that DD was with him at the time he noticed her old skirt. This level of noticing details about DD is quite creepy. Please keep an eye on this, because DD is likely to find it makes her very uncomfortable. I strongly suggest that you seek counseling for DD as she tries to conduct a relationship with him.

If visits are not court ordered, I strongly suggest you keep an open mind as to whether DD really wants to go, and if she doesn't, then don't make her. Even if court ordered, please be ready to challenge the arrangement if she tells you she is not willing to participate any more.

You need to gird yourself to be a staunch advocate for DD (and any other DCs) as they get to the teen years. Very often a controlling individual ups the ante, and the teens perceive 'involvement' as more and more intrusive and see it for what it really is. Teens develop minds of their own and the dominator can't accept that.

Good habits to practice:
Do not think out loud when you are around him.
You do not need to have your ideas validated by him in order to proceed.
Practice this especially when it comes to your DD, and keep her privacy in mind first and foremost. She has a right to privacy here.

Part of the problem, as you well realise, is that he has conditioned you to run everything past him, and I suspect there is an unwritten basic assumption between you that he has power of veto over every single detail of your life and that of your children.

Just because he has dictated this or trained you to live under this rule doesn't make it the truth. Don't play along.

My periods were like that and I was put on the pill at 11. It made quite a difference.

OP how your DD is with her periods is exactly how I was as a teenager and my mum refused to let me go on the pill, she thought i was secretly having sex and this was my way of protecting myself (i wasn’t) so said no. So, firstly I think it’s great that you’re suggesting it! Until I was 16 I lived absolute hell for 2 weeks of the month and like your DD has to wear night pads I changed every hour. Do whatever it takes to make her periods less heavy, it’s awful and she’ll have a miserable few years ahead of her if nothing changes. Your ex is a man and will never understand and I honestly don’t think he should have his say on her ‘female’ issues

Echo other posters thoughts re a coil. If she finds tampons painful that would be absolutely excruciating and i imagine really quite traumatic. Please don't put her through that!

Your ex is a bellend btw. Periods can be debilitating. Take him with you to the gp and see how far he gets with his diet and exercise crap!

Try reflexology helped my daughter immensely, She has virtually pain free periods now with normal flow had reflexology
Weekly for a month at first now just monthly x

I've ended up having pro-stap treatment after several surgeries and other medical treatments. Basically a false temp menopause which kinda 'rebooted' things. I'm also on the mini pill. If men suffered from these conditions there would be way more research and possibly effective treatment

Sorry haven't RTFT but my DC was exactly the same (although she started at 9) and was referred to adolescent gynae clinic. Paediatrician told us that they would probably stop her periods hormonally as she was very young and had LD's so was very distressed.

Gynae consultant said they are extremely reluctant to use hormones with a growing girl and said the best thing was the tranexamic (so) acid. It did reduce the flow over several months although she still needs to wear an adult nappy at night.

Tranexamic acid is my saviour every month.

When you see the doc tho, please don’t just accept being given the pill as a ‘cure’. Ask for a gynae referral to get to the bottom of it all (another endometriosis sufferer here).

Good luck,

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Periods-heavy/Pages/Treatment.aspx

This page may be useful. Has info on tranexamic acid NSAIDs etc.

I don't see how he could stop her going to her GP to receive medical advice especially if the GP judges her to be Gillick competent.

I was about to post Gillick competent, it's good that you know about this OP. Your DD's father needs to step right away from this issue.

I personally think he is right re 'Big Pharma' but this doesn't mean that anything can be solved by diet and exercise.
I believe a lot of it but not such heavy periods with clots.

Eg Ive had endometriosis and have controlled the pain with diet (lots and lots of oily fish). However, this did nothing for the heaviness of the period iyswim.
Issues with anaemia from the heavy period can again be controlled with diet.
But that doesn't solve the very big issue your dd has re the leaking onto her clothes.

I would be interested to see what sort of links he is coming up with to control the FLOW with diet and exercise TBH (esp as your dd seems to be active anyway and the exercise she has been doing clearly hasn't made a difference!).
Nothing is stopping you from trying that approach whilst you wait for the appointment with the GP

I have not rtft so apologies. A friend's daughter has an injection every three months which stops her periods completely because hers were so bad and causing distress.

In the meantime would it be worth trying Diary Doll pants (or similar) in addition to the sanpro if she isn't already? Reducing the stress of leakage might help make the whole thing easier to bear. Poor love.

And stupid stupid ex.

Argh, Gillick! Bloody autocorrect