How would you have reacted if your MIL.......

The paternal grandmother of my daughter wouldn't dare say anything like that, but seeing as she's only seen us three times in four years she doesn't get much chance. If she ever dared to be so bullish to me she'd get short shrift and we would leave. I do not allow anybody to be critical of the way I bring up my child, I have issues enough with my own demons without dealing with those belonging to others.

I would have asked her to stop interfering when she made the 'clip' quip, and I would have left when she had a go at you. She might be your mother in law, but her parenting days are behind her now and she has no option but to respect the fact that you and your partner do things differently. If she doesn't like it she should take a running jump.

Agnes

utterly pissed off with the world so this thread is getting the brunt of it, sorry!

MIL's can be a major pain in the derriere.

Personally, though, I take the attitude that my child is going to have to learn to take different types of chastisement from different people (grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, friends and teachers) so unless the grandparent is actually hitting the child or is FREQUENTLY resorting to language or threats that you feel are inappropriate it might be better to just ignore the odd comment from your MIL even if it is a different style from how you deal with your children.

In fact, taking that attitude could result in your children having an appreciation of the fact that Mummy is actually quite fair and rational - it could work in your favour!

Sorry, wandered off! Reason the banging drums thing pissed me off was they encouraged her at first 'OOh, what a good noise, can you make it louder?' and then when the footie scores were being read out they started shouting at her to shut up, like they can't read them ffs! Poor little DD!
Normally I would agree, this is why none of her noisy toys have batteries

And, you see, I have to say it, JT is quite open with her opinions too! She has lived with my dad and my 2 sarcy brothers all her life so it's not surprising!

She would never be rude or open about what she thinks about the raising of a child to a DIL, but I think she's quite open about telling me what she thinks about how I do things. Luckily the relationship we have means I can just 'argue back' or disagree quite comfortably and just laugh about it.

I'm sure she things I'm not 'strict' enough but hey- my kids, my turn!

I think that's right JT, isn't it?!

'Yes frogs, MIL has three sons!!!

She's not a bad old stick really, she can be very kind, but she's got the sharpest tongue in Britain and very little tact!'

OMFG - that's going to be my DIL speaking about in 30 years time

I'm an expert on MIL tolerance and have spent far too much time thinking about both DP's and my parents views.

I really believe that in the past people used to smack their kids and this calmed the Grandparents because in their minds punishment had been received. Now this is not the normal parents response they feel we've all gone barking mad and that our children are being allowed to run wild. Truth is that many of the older generation don't know how to discipline without resorting to violence and let's face it a lot of us are learning for the first time as well. Very annoying and personally I hate the feeling that we're being talked about the minute we've left the house!

You're back with MrPG, then, dino!?

Dino, I'm sure you'll be a delightful MIL!

My MIL is an only child, mother died early, and she has no sisters and no other female relatives or close friends, and I think she just doesn't have an antenna for what constitutes normal interactions among women. She apparently once said to SIL, "Should you be eating that? I thought you'd need to be watching your weight" and was most put out when SIL reacted badly. I've had similar reactions when I've objected to what to female ears are clearly outrageously bitchy comments from her. Her response to any criticism tends to be to start sobbing gently -- and I can see that if you're surrounded by males, that's probably quite an effective tactic. Whereas most women's reaction would be, "Oh FGS, pull yourself together".

frogs, you'll have to keep reminding me to Talk Nicely to other women, then!

We've had similar at my PIL's house. Dh to his credit did once say, very calmly 'if we are annoying you that much, would you like us to go home?' That worked! But actually in your situation, I think I would have let it go and had another glass of wine, unless I thought it was harshly meant.

My children and particularly ds can act up spectacularly when we are staying with PIL, mainly because they do a bizarre combination of spoiling them outrageously and telling them off for the stupidest things - eg FIL having a genuine Jane Austen style attack of the vapour if ds picks his nose (he's 6 fgs), and MIL shrieking and jumping if they go near the cat(because that reaction isn't going to make a 2 year old think 'what fun!'). I'm sure MIL thinks I am doing a rotten job on the discipline front, but I think she just has no concept of picking her battles.

I think I would have been unable to resist saying, 'Oooh, get back in the knife drawer'.

Which is what I said years ago when MIL made some comment about dd1's tangled hair, and then followed it up with, "Well, it might help if you brushed it occasionally". She cranked back her level of bitchy comments considerably for a while after that.

Does your MIL have only sons, by any chance? Cos mine does, and I'm convinced that spending her adult life surrounded by men means that she finds it much harder to adopt a suitable tone with other women, ie. me and SILs.

if it was once a year maybe even I could have held my tongue.

I think sometimes that it depends on how you relate to your parents and how inlaws relate to their dc's iyswim. I have a very loving and casual relationship with my parents, I love sitting down to dinner with them and having a few glasses of wine and chatting to them. They relate to thier dc's as interesting human beings and respect our wishes.
Mil relates to dp almost as a child and would love us to venerate her as an elevated position in the family.

So the difference is that if my dm said something critical(which she is perfectly capable of) about dd in front of dp and dp quipped back, she would take it with good humour because she respects his child rearing abilities.

If I quipped at mil in same situation she would be grieviously offended at the lack of respect I find it difficult to resist.

Oh I constantly bite my tongue and smile through gritted teeth around my MIL. Life's too short,she is my dh's mother and he loves her (although he too can only tolerate her for short periods...).

If you did cause a stink, what do you predict as the fall-out? I know that it wouldn't clear the air with my MIL, it would just provide more evidence of my utter unsuitability as a wife and mother. It would be ignored (but pointedly ignored, IYKWIM), and she would just carry on disapproving of me and my ways.

Does your ds know what a 'clip around the ear' is? I do threaten mine with all manner of extreme violence (they know the word eviscerate for example ), but it would never occur to them that I mught actually do it, because I don't hit them. Hitting is not a punishment they contemplate for themsleves, so I think if a grandparent made a comment like that, they wouldn't think it was something that was likely to occur. And to be fair to my MIL, I don't think she would ever smack her grandchildren.

Greensleeves, I wouldn't worry about whehter you should have said someting back now really, you're safe and sound back home!
If she says something similar again maybe you should just say 'look we have diffrent ways of disciplining and I respect your a lot but it's my turn to be a parent now and this is how I choose to do it. I'm doing what I think is right, and I'm doing my best and tbh when we're trying to spend some lovely quality time with you I just think it's better to pick my battles. They really are good kids and I'm just trying to be a good mum with a laid back but firm and fair at the same time. I'm happy with how that's panning out. You just relax and enjoy being a grandparent, I'll worry about the rest [smile' and then give her a kiss on the cheek and walk away to play with your kids. ??????????????

i think you should bite your tongue ref the clip your ear comment as it is a generational thing to say and i'm sure they wouldnt dream of doing it in reality.

but when she criticised your style of discipline you'd have been well within your rights to tell her that you have good established boundaries and the children know what they can and cant do when they are at home/out and about. I would also get DH to tell them not to criticse you about anything in fron of the children.

I'd have challenged the 'it's better not to bother' comment and the 'clip round the ear' comment. I'd have done it without thinking - I would just have 'thought out loud' and perhaps caused a bit of tension without meaning to but I know I would have blurted out something.

I 'correct' (for want of a better term) my MIL when she is here because she is so different from me and in my own house I like things managed my way.

With my own mother, I just quip back!

I have to agree with GDG on the drum banging thing, imo adults watching tv takes precedent over dc's banging drums.

Oliveoil, that is exactly what my mother does, I think she is trying to diffuse the situation and doesn't like seeing the children disciplined/punished. I don't have to do anything as my father tells her to butt out