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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I owe no loyalty to someone who has dumped wife of 28 years and 4 kids to move in with strumpet

90 replies

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 14:05

Friend of DH, married forever to a lovely woman, who has raised four kids - youngest 15. Suddenly gets to a big birthday and decides that he's been unhappy 'for ever' and the solution is to divorce her, without warning or discussion, just moves out and then three months later, having offered her a derisory divorce settlement, tells me he's moving in with his new girlfriend.

AND HE EXPECTS ME NOT TO TELL HIS WIFE because they haven't come to terms on the divorce. He's sold their second home to buy a new house for his new gf and thinks his wife should not be told as 'it's immaterial to the divorce'.

What would you do? I'm tempted to phone HER solicitor but not tell her. But that's probably being a wuss!

OP posts:

jhyesmum · 08/04/2007 19:38

That's the spirit tinkerbelle!!

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 19:37

Kimi - gosh I wouldn't like to cross you!

I agree though

Have actually been hoping he'd fall on his face for a while, smug sportscar driving pillock.

OP posts:

kitbit · 08/04/2007 19:27

Having grappled with the usual feelings of "well, I can't really judge as I don't personally know them and cannot pass comment when I haven't seen it all for myself" blah blah blah....my gut reaction is still:

he's a git. tell her.

jhyesmum · 08/04/2007 19:00

good luck tinkerbell. i think you're doing the right thing.

zookeeper · 08/04/2007 18:10

she'll be fine if she gets good legal help - the law is very clear - if he won't disclose the assets voluntarily then she can get a court to order him to.

Judy1234 · 08/04/2007 17:50

Yes, so now already the family home her lawyer should have registered her right to live there even if it's in his sole name so that it can't be sold. You can't do that on the other properties but if it's likely they would be sold it might be possible to freeze them. you can certainly do that with money in bank accounts. She needs to get as much information as she can like addresses of the properties, search their titles at the land registry which is cheap and easy to do to see whose name they are in and when last sold and how much for on sites like nethouseprices.com.

kimiTheEasterBunny · 08/04/2007 17:17

Tell her and let her take him for everything he has, the peice of shit.

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 17:14

She doesn't work - they agreed she would be a SAHM and she's now close to 50 so it's unlikely she can easily get a job.

The flat was in his name only but then all the properties are - he's a bit on a control freak in some respects.

She's never run household finances before so she's quite naive (eg she didn't realise you have to pay for water!)

OP posts:

zookeeper · 08/04/2007 16:29

it's not so much the fact that he has another partner that will affect a settlement; it's the dissipation of family assets. As this is a big money case she should simply be able to compensate by having more of some other asset. It will certainly be taken into account.

sorry if I've missed this but was the other house in his sole name? If so her solicitor could have prevented that sale by putting a notice of matrimonial home rights on it (I think it's been renamed recently) but the effect would be that he couldn't sell or remortgage the house without her say so.

she needs to see her solicitor asap - her solicitor can freeze all his assets if neccessary.

Judy1234 · 08/04/2007 16:03

Tell unless you agree to keep it confidential in which case he could sue you for telling.

He should not be selling any property until they have reached terms on the divorce. If you spend money you have then that is not included in a divorce by the way so if someone gambles it away then the wife or husband doesn't get half of it as it's not left. So if he's given away this money to the lover it may not be a simple matter to give it back but if it can be proved or he's on the new deeds that's different. It could be proved then his current wife may get more than the starting point of 50% of assets particularyl as he will be "housed" with the new girlfriend. We are assuming here the man earns more. If the wife earns more as I did then whoever is in the wrong the wife has to pay out to the husband.

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 15:57

I'm going to call her Tuesday once the kids will be out the house (I don't want to risk her getting very upset when the youngest is around, she already feels betrayed enough by her dad buggering off).

Stupid man - thinks throwing money at the kids and ignoring the wife is a good way to live.

Thanks everyone, I thought I was being an interfering old woman but it's just plain wrong so she has to know.

OP posts:

jhyesmum · 08/04/2007 14:49

I would tell her. If the shoe was on the other foot you'd want to know. Anyway,you'll make yourself feel bad if you don't.

meowmix · 08/04/2007 14:49

If you don't want to tell her tell her solicitor. I agree with DC - this is borderline fraudulent and also loathsome. If she's thinking its amicable then she needs to wake up quickly and protect her future.

Quel rat.

Freckle · 08/04/2007 14:31

Have you looked here ? It may not show up for a few weeks, but you can search on any road and it will tell you not only what that particular property sold for, but also other similar properties. That way you can see what he paid for the new property and also whether he got market value for the one he sold.

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 14:26

MarsLady - now that's an idea. Actually I could get a sale document from the sold flat and send it to his wife's solicitor to prove it had risen in value.

OP posts:

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 14:25

Carmenere - there is definitely no legal compunction on me to tell, just a moral one. It'd be much easier if it was a question of corporate fraud. But with civil matters, there are so many people who could potentially tell it's impossible to hold any one person culpable (except the two spouses and their lawyers).

OP posts:

MarsLady · 08/04/2007 14:25

She can also get herself a forensic accountant to look through his books. He won't be able to hide anything then.

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 14:23

Carmenere - the assets won't necessarily be sold so their value isn't realised. So you only have a finger in the air estate agents valuation or agreed valuation between the parties, which when you are talking about west london flats, is liable to be out of date by the time you go to court.

OP posts:

Freckle · 08/04/2007 14:22

He will have to make full disclosure of his finances and assets, but it looks as though he will try to hide some of this. So, if the wife is a friend of yours, I would tell her what he is up to - especially as she still has at least one child who is dependent on her.

He sounds like a complete tosser, mid-life crisis or no. The fact that he has asked you to keep it from her, in my book, means you absolutely have to tell her as he clearly has no scruples at all.

Carmenere · 08/04/2007 14:22

Fuck it. Tell her. I am worried about what DOC said, if that is the case and he can do that then you have to tell her.

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 14:22

DominiConnor - you will get lots of brownie points for showing your wife this post - you are clearly lovely!

Actually it's not technically theft. Divorce is a civil, not criminal matter, but if the judge found out, she'd really penalise him financially.

I think I will give her a call tomorrow and see what she knows already. She's just the sort to just say 'oh how much can I have lost, is it worth the bother' because she hates fighting and feels horrible about having to put a quantifiable value on her marriage. I can't say I blame her but she's going to get screwed at this rate.

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 08/04/2007 14:20

I actually agree with DC....

Carmenere · 08/04/2007 14:19

Yes but just because he has offered a pittance doesn't mean that that is all she will get. Unless he had bought the holiday home through his business or something there is no way for him to hide the money and it(or proceeds from thereof) will be included in the financial settlement.

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 14:19

Carmenere - now that depends on an honest representation of assets being given to the parties doesn't it. There are lots of ways of hiding money. Undervaluing property is just one I'm afraid. If you are that way inclined you can really cut your costs if your ex is not totally competent in this area (and her solicitor, frankly, isn't).

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lucy5 · 08/04/2007 14:18

It's a difficult one and the sh*t should tell her himself but if he doesn't and she finds out you knew, it could be horrible. You really are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think if I were in your situation I would tell her.

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