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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need advice on this NOW please!!! (long)

35 replies

someoneelsenow · 06/04/2007 17:17

As you'll gather, this isn't my usual mn nickname. Two questions - have I been unreasonable, and what do I do now?
It's dd's 11th birthday next week and dh finally tracked down the nintendo wii console she wanted. It was £180, but with contributions from other rellies and some of her own money, that was ok.
Against my better judgement I let her open it and we've all been playing it since yesterday - great fun.
I work ft, dh has been working today and I was up at 7am and cleaning the house, which was a tip.
DD gave me some help - not as much as I'd asked for - and I promised if she helped she could have money to buy chocolate.
About an hour ago I gave her the money, but asked her to take the dog on her way to the shop - I've been too busy to take the dog for a walk today.
She refused, and I became very cross (not shouty, just really hacked off that I've been working my socks off and she can't do something as simple as take the dog on her way to get another treat for herself)
So, I packed up the new game and started listing it on eBay - I should add that they're very hard to come by and would easily sell for the amount we paid.
She then had a temper tantrum (dh was home by now, and he switched from thinking I was being harsh to agreeing with me)
I didn't actually finish listing it, but I have told her it's going to be sold and the money will go to Oxfam.
What do I do now? I feel I should follow it through because it would be rewarding very bad behaviour to back down..but that's going to be very tough.
She's sobbing on the sofa downstairs
I've had the chocolate money back from her and am locked in another room with the laptop.
Help please!

OP posts:

pointydog · 07/04/2007 09:45

someoneelse. your dd sounds very normal for an 11 year old, by the way!

Original poster

someoneelsenow · 07/04/2007 08:54

We've had a chat, I explained I had been busy and tired; she's said sorry and accepts she doesn't get the game back until her birthday next week. Thanks again for all your help.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 06/04/2007 23:19

YABU.

Back down, give it back, show her that the grown up thing to do is apologise when you are wrong.

She may learn far more from that.

Possibly....?

lucyellensmum · 06/04/2007 23:14

you over reacted, shes 11, my dd is 16 and if all i had to worry about was her refusing to take the dog out id be a happy bunny. Teenagers or tweenagers are lazy by nature and you are knackered and i suspect that explains the over reaction. explain to her that you have alot on your plate and if you didnt work etc there would be no nintendo etc. that way she might understand why you were cross

kittypants · 06/04/2007 23:12

blimey bit extreme!even threat of it!

margo1974 · 06/04/2007 23:05

I think she's probably checked to see if you've actually put it on e-bay and she might call your bluff.

Although that doesn't help matters for you.

Keep it wrapped until her b'day and reward her for any good behaviour by deciding not to sell it.

Mamalennon · 06/04/2007 22:43

Put the game away, tell her you lost your temper because of her behaviour and attitude but that you will not sell it.

Ask if she can think of a way to make it up to you and earn the game back. Tell her she can take her time to think about this, it sounds like everyone needs to calm down.

If you sell it it will become a family legend and you will never live it down.!

Ladymuck · 06/04/2007 21:49

Am I right in thinking that it isn't normally her duty to take the dog a walk. I understand that you wanted her to as she was going to the shops, but I'm just trying to understand the background?

If this isn't one of her daily chores, then surely this is OTT? I'm assuming that this counts as a "big" present for her, and it is effectively the equivalent of cancelling all family birthday presents (and she has also paid part of it).

If you do this when she doesn't immediately agree to an additional chore, what will you do when she does seriously rebel?

Tbh, if this was an over-reaction on your part I would own up to it "Sorry I was mad earlier, of course I won't sell your Wii, but I want you to understand that I was mad that you reacted so selfishly when I asked you to walk the dog. I overreacted, but your actions were still selfish and therefore...[insert more suitable punishment]". Yes, you should ensure that misdemeanors receive consequences, and I appreciate the need for following through - but not if you are wrong in the first place. Otherwise you are not teaching her about consequences, but you are demonstrating to her stubbornness. I'd use the opportunity to show that you have to cope with your frustrations too, and show her the adult way of doing so.

But I have to say that I have neither 11yos or dds so I'm definitely not an expert. I just can't imagine this level of punishment for this crime, but I'm still dealing with enforcing no spitting, kicking, punching etc! I don't have dogs, but this feels likes the equivalent of cancelling Christmas for my 6yo because he didn't empty the dishwasher.

Original poster

someoneelsenow · 06/04/2007 21:29

I'm wondering if she's premenstrual...her periods haven't started yet, but her body has been showing a lot of physical signs. I've been out for a few hours playing sport with dd1 (dd2 was invited along, and also invited to walk the dog with dh, but refused both).
I've just tried to reason with her, told her she can earn the wii back for her birthday by behaving reasonably, but she's just refused to carry her plate from the dinner table (something we all do at each meal and is expected of both dds and dh of course) and has gone off in another strop.
I should have mentioned that in the original row, after I'd packed up the game, she called me a cow - not language I would ever use and which really did make me very annoyed - I've told her repeatedly it's unacceptable to say of anyone.
Aargh! I'm glad someone else says some of this is typical 11-year-old behaviour, I'm feeling like I've spawned a spoilt brat and this behaviour is all my fault!

OP posts:

Berries · 06/04/2007 18:45

Having an 11 yr old dd at the moment, I quite appreciate why you did it . Think it's a bit OTT to actually sell it, so would think of some way that she could earn it back.
My 11 yr old is currently going into a big huff & muttering if I have the temerity to ask her to pick up her own socks off the floor, think I might cancel her birthdays for the foreseeable future.

fireflyfairy2 · 06/04/2007 18:39

TBH I think it was a bit OTT.

Couldn't you have just taken it from her & said she wasn't getting it back until her b'day?

I would have been sobbing too...& I am a lot older than your dd.

It seems a bit extreme & not unlike to something a friend of mine would do. Only I know she doesn't post on here or I would think you were her!!

chocolateface · 06/04/2007 18:32

I really don't think her behaviour was that bad .. for her age. It was just one of those situations we get ourselves in sometimes.
Please don't tell her you've listed it.

compo · 06/04/2007 18:29

Just ask her to say sorry and give it back to her. You gave it to her early it's too late to make her wait until her b/day now. If you don't give it her back your in for a miserable Easter

Freckle · 06/04/2007 18:27

Tell her that you have listed it, but, if there are no bids by her birthday and she has shown some remorse for her behaviour by helping out more, you will delist it and let her have it back then.

Hopefully her behaviour will improve and she will be more helpful.

Original poster

someoneelsenow · 06/04/2007 18:25

Thanks for all the advice...wouldn't say I'm stressed, just busy and don't think it's unreasonable to expect some help from both dds who could do with learning some housework.
The silver lining is that elder dd (14) has jumped into action (I'd been asking for help from her all day with no success) and has now cleaned her room from top to bottom..although she's still in her pjs.
Dd 2 is now logged onto the computer downstairs and emailing her friends (or maybe childline) - I've said I'd like to talk to her, but am getting the silent treatment at the mo...I'm sure we'll resolve it soon, but the game will stay packed away until her birthday..usually I'm strict about not having pressies in advance, but she was so excited, and it is the school holidays. I'll stick to the usual rule about presents in future.
We do usually have a cleaner btw, but she's on holiday for a few weeks. I don't mind cleaning now and again - actually enjoy seeing the result.

OP posts:

sunnysideup · 06/04/2007 17:58

I think she's right to be sobbing! She helped you (a bit, not as much as you asked but she DID help) therefore she is due the chocolate money you promised. So to not only NOT get that but for you to threaten to sell her birthday present must be so frustrating and upsetting and unfair!

i think it seems that a bit of a 'look' and a 'So you don't want this chocolate money then, if you don't want the dog with you?' would have been totally enough in this situation.

Are you stressed to the eyeballs, as this sounds like a straw that broke the camel's back moment to me....
i think it's a case of working out how you can keep calmer and not get so cross....do you need more help from your dh and whole family with the house? A cleaner?

Original poster

someoneelsenow · 06/04/2007 17:36

Chocolateface - yes, exactly right. Not so much saving face, but not rewarding bad behaviour. I realised taking the game away for good was ott - it just got me that she has so many privileges and then couldn't do one small thing she was asked, especially as it was part of a treat.

OP posts:

BeckleSpeckledEgg · 06/04/2007 17:36

Perhaps you could suggest to her that you will not sell it on the condition of...
give her a way to earn it back.
That way you are not backing down and she is not losing her present.
I don't think you are unreasonable to take it away from her - kids don't always appreciate the nice things they get - mine certainly don't! Bit unreasonable to sell it but am sure you only went to list it because you were cross and disappointed at her behaviour. The main thing is that you didn't finish the listing. Hope you strike a deal with her x

chocolateface · 06/04/2007 17:35

Let her know you have't actually listed it. Tell her she can have it a back on her birthday if she behaves reasonably from now on.
I have never forgiven my Dad for confiscating a birthday pressent of mine.

kks · 06/04/2007 17:35

Don't go through with the listing, its a bit mean

pointydog · 06/04/2007 17:35

I think you have gone too far and are being very unreasonable by selling off her new present.

I would sit down with my dd at this stage, tell her how busy you've been, tell her how much you really wanted that favour, how tiredness made you over-react. Basically, look for an apology and understanding from dd and apologise for your own over-reaction.

Plibble · 06/04/2007 17:35

I don't think I would sell it as she contributed some of her own money and it does seem to be a harsh punishment for, basically, doing what 11 year olds do.

I think you should tell her you aren't going to sell it, but that she will not be allowed to have it until she has behaved herself - to include some chores set out upfront - for a week.

Original poster

someoneelsenow · 06/04/2007 17:34

Should have said, I didn't actually put it up for sale - started the listing, but didn't finish it. I have packed up the game and put it away though.

OP posts:

kks · 06/04/2007 17:34

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WideWebWitch · 06/04/2007 17:33

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