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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to earn money even though we don;t need it?

34 replies

hatwoman · 02/04/2007 23:08

dh and I have made rather different career choices and have vastly different earning power. for as long as dds were pre-school I accepted effectively not earning anything as pre-school child-care is prohibitive. now both dds are at school, and at the same time I might be increasing my hours. We have a nanny and I'm scrabbling about doing lots of maths to work out different costs, different scenarios - things like different hours in term time and holidays (for both me and the nanny) and various bits of juggling - desparate to at least balance my net contribution to the household. dh just shrugs - he's happy for us to pay our lovely nanny according to what's easiest - rather than doing any juggling and jiggling. he says it's not worth the hassle. and he'd rather have relaxed, easy, stable child care, even if I actually end up costing the household. On the one hand I do see his point but it's utterly demoralising. fwiw he has no concept of his money and mine. he 100 per cent believes that no matter what my financial contribution I have equal say on how we spend it. personally I find that a bit difficult to exercise in practice. I know in reality me earning £50 a month isn't really any different from loosing £50 a month (though, depressingly enough it could be more...). I love my job, but I hate this huge discrepency...although, ironically, it's me that has the problem with it and equates it to influence, not dh. do I go with the flow? or make life difficult by cutting the childcare to the bone in order to save my pride?

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Cappuccino · 03/04/2007 17:00

I do have to say though that though I don't mind paying someone else to look after my kids, cleaning and ironing I wouldn't pay for

dh and I do do proportionate amounts of housework to paid work, iyswim - housework is a different issue imo

though I can see that your nanny might need this to keep her on board

FloatingNeedsAnEasterName · 03/04/2007 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flamesparrow · 03/04/2007 15:02

She can come clean my house on your extra days

Original poster
hatwoman · 03/04/2007 14:30

I love mn . you're all so lovely! a couple of points - childcare doesn;t come out of my income - it comes out of joint income. (see my 23:50 post for how this pans out).

Ruby - your point is a very valid one that occured to me this morning.

majorstress - a couple of years ago I started lobbying my employers re child care vouchers but it got swallowed up in other union-based negotations - but you are dead right it's something worth doing - I will try to pick it up again. also good for my nanny, as you say. re what the nanny does - that's part of the whole issue. at the moment - during term time, she cleans and irons 2 days a week; one day a week she drops the dds at school and then doesn;t work for us from 9am-3pm and is able to go and do another ironing job. in the holidays she works the 3 full days. If I went up to 4 days a week we'd either have to ask her to do a second, split day - but a full day in the holidays or find a lot more cleaning and ironing...It's all quite complicated as she also has another job - and we're very aware that there's a limit to how flexible we can ask her to be. although when we renewed her contract recently I asked her if it would be ok to increase the notice period (for eitehr party) to two months and she said we could make it 6 for all she cared - so she's not planning on going anywhere.

Ultimately the only issue is my feelings. I have to chill out - and you lot have helped me see that it's not some awful demeaning compromise of my feminist principles but common sense. (I wonder what xenia would say...)

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amidaiwish · 03/04/2007 13:38

honestly, hold onto your reliable childcare and don't worry about balancing the books for now.

you will feel so much worse if you are totally stressed out with the juggling etc... and your dh may not be so supportive then, mine and yours have a very similar approach and i know that me & the kids being happy and content is what matters. if me working is causing stress/hassle then it will be another story.

Flamesparrow · 03/04/2007 12:47

Right - read the whole thread... my take on it:

Work, but easy. Your DH is right - it honestly doesn't matter who puts in what money - the money goes in, the money goes out. I assume you spend about equal amounts on yourselves/each other and its not a situation of him giving you spending money or anything demeaning like that.

No juggling, no making things stressful by increasing hours and doing this and that to increase your pay.

Just be happy and calm.

I have so much a sense of pride now I am working again - with my whole £30 or so monthly profit. The money doesn't matter, it will always be our money - what matters is you and your family being happy iysiwm.

Cappuccino · 03/04/2007 12:34

been thinking about this a little while wandering (or rather having a hissy fit at dd1) round the supermarket

I pay for nursery for two sessions a week for dd2; and tbh I don't really earn enough during those hours to justify it

I certainly don't work fast enough and often I find myself spending too much of the time on mn

but it's about both being human beings and both needing to have some professional interest outside the home - I'm not saying everyone needs this but I certainly do in terms of self esteem, career development etc etc

my career decisions have never been based on finances - every time I swap jobs I earn less!

basically if you can afford the nanny and your dh is as supportive as he is I would stop taking all the responsibility on yourself. In years to come your earnings will possible start to overshadow the current situation even if that's not till your kids go to college

juggling is stressful and it may make you question why you are doing it even more

RubyRioja · 03/04/2007 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LowFatMilkshake · 03/04/2007 10:37

I think your DH has a great attitude and you seem to have it all going for you - apart from how you feel - which is a big thing to live with.

If it was me I would be inclinded to look for an enjoyable job within the hours I can manage and if the money is not needed, parhaps put it in an account to save up for something nice for DH by way of a thank you and to ease your feeling of inadaquacy (sp)

Personally I would love to work in our local library - but the pay does not compete with my current job even though I am part-time. So both DH and I plod on as we dont want to compromise our current lifestyle!

FWIW I am a little but of you

majorstress · 03/04/2007 10:25

If you feel compelled to fiddle about with the finances, how about some things that won't jeopardise your good nanny arrangement, but still improve your income?

Can you or DH get childcare vouchers from your employer? If not, can you encourage them to get them set up? Is your nanny qualified to accept them? If not, how about helping her attain that status, which is a nice perk for her? That is a nice big hassle to keep you busy that at least might pay off, and also will help others coming after you at your firms and users of your nanny. so brownie points in mumsnet heaven too!

What about a nanny share if you don't have one? Your dds might benefit from a little playmate.

Good nannies soon move on, most IME seem to want a baby to care for. Don't throw it away.

Cappuccino · 03/04/2007 10:17

oh btw am also a northern proddie

and I'm with your husband

foxinsocks · 03/04/2007 10:13

I can see why it bothers you and I must admit, I have taken the same line as you when calculating my return to work (and looked at the very meagre bottom line and been quite depressed by it!).

But as others have said, it is about so much more than the money.

I also wouldn't underestimate the benefits of having stable childcare (like a nanny) as opposed to the juggling method which is inevitably more stressful for the whole family (incl the girls).

I would try and see it like that - the stable childcare means everyone is happier all round and both you and dh can get on with your jobs.

majorstress · 03/04/2007 10:13

Can I just clarify the childcare arrangement- 2 dds in school-so what does nanny do when they are at school? Is s/he fulltime?

Cappuccino · 03/04/2007 10:11

why does your childcare come out of 'your' wage?

if it comes out of his then you're earning loads more already

if your finances are joint then the childcare can't just be seen to come out of your bit

Original poster
hatwoman · 03/04/2007 10:08

hunker - I'm not debating whether to work or not, or even whether to increase my hours or not - the debate is whether to scrimp on childcare, juggle working days, arrange for different childcare in term and holidays etc, in order to be "in profit". and the only reason to worry about being "in profit" is my own stubborn pride. dh can't see why it bothers me. I think it's a northern proddie work/money thing. he can't his head round it. I try to fight it but it's in me bones.

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hunkermunker · 03/04/2007 00:00

Work. Really. Do it.

Soapbox · 02/04/2007 23:57

I think you may be overanalysing a bit

I would opt for the method of calculating things which allows you to take the maximum amount of help and the least amount of juggling, whilst preserving a little of your pride

I think if it makes everyone miserable for hte sake of a few quid then it isn't worth it!

Original poster
hatwoman · 02/04/2007 23:53

scenario 3: total income = hat's income. hmmm let's put the house on the market now shall we...might as well ebay the food processor while we're at it...

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Original poster
hatwoman · 02/04/2007 23:51

that last bit was meant to have been deleted

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Original poster
hatwoman · 02/04/2007 23:50

twoisenough - we do see all the money as joint - the sum then becomes
scenario one: total household income = hatsalary + dh salary - childcare
scenario two: total household income = dh salary
and scenario two is financially the better. but me not working isn't an option - the question's more whether to be mean/creative/juggling with childcare to save my stupid pride. dh is agog "so in order to make you feel better you want to make our life harder? hmmm.

the problem with seeing it all as joint is that it doesn't owrk ou

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ChasingRabbits · 02/04/2007 23:45

and if he didn't work you wouldn't need childcare either (unless he is like my dh, in which case you would probably STILL need the nanny)

twoisenoughmum · 02/04/2007 23:43

Chasingrabbits and your DH got there just before me Hatwoman - why not look on it all as a joint family income, and the nanny's salary coming out of that?

Work is often about a lot more than money, imvho.

If it wasn't, we'd all decide to become hedge fund managers when we were 16!

Not that many years ago, I read that the Chief Executive of Oxfam earned £45,000 a year. He could have earned so much more than that ... not everyone who goes to work does it for the money alone. Thank goodness.

hunkermunker · 02/04/2007 23:40

Have you read the article in the Times today about women and reasons to work? So much bound up with it, not just money - some for "warding off problems if the worst happens" but loads about positive reasons.

ChasingRabbits · 02/04/2007 23:37

umm I know, I was ignoring that fact aswell!

Original poster
hatwoman · 02/04/2007 23:33

that's what dh just suggested. it's a bit of a mathematical sleight - if I didnt work we wouldn't need any child care...but let's not think of it like that hey

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