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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Once and For All, Am I? (MIL/DH -May be long!)

32 replies

AIBU10000001 · 02/04/2007 13:24

Namechanged althought most of you will guess who I am!

Few things here, so I will list them one by one. Ok -

(1) Money

DH has got inheritance. We need ALOT of work doing to the house. This is the problem - DH wants to give 1/2 of it away to his mum, who has recently "lost" £26,000 in various unaccountable ways. Ever since DHs dad died, she has gone spending mad on various new partners, all the time claiming to have spend it on the house to DH. The only work done on the house is what I organised for her (new windows, new carpets, new wiring etc.) That accounts for about 1/4 of all the money. It isn't my business what she does with it, I tried to help her stay out of debt and by doing this I seem like the evil one so stuff it. DHs dads dream was to pay off the tiny mortgage, and over 24 years he did then he doed a few months later. MIL wants to remortgage it back again, for no real reason. As I said, stuff that now, I have bent over backwards trying to help her. Now, DH is selling one of his dads cars. We need new heating (currently spending £70 a WEEK on electricity), ours and DSs bedrooms done (we have broken bed, so sleeping on mattress on floor, no curtains so DS wakes at 6am, broekn wardrobes so clothes are piled in DSs room) so not just a new lick of paint type things. DH hasn't been working much since his dad died, so, when he sells this car our half will pay the mortgage. That's it. She still h=gets her half to go out wining and dining 4 times a week. While his own wife and son sleep in a wreck of a bedroom. Fair enough, I learnt to get over that one. When I was upset about it, he offered to sell one of his other cars which he wanted to keep and restore. I didn't like him too, but, gave in as I knew it would benefit DS. BUT, he suddenly said, "actually, I am giving half of that aswell to mum". Now, am I veiwing that as glass half full or empty? Should I be pleased that we are getting money to do up some of the bedroom? Or am I right to be hurt and upset DH can let us live in such conditions when he HAS the money? He recently walked out, and sold his rolex and had a holiday (well, I'd say it was) for 4 days. He drove a 13mpg car to Ramsgate and back, bought new clothes and planned a life totally away from me and DS, mainly to do with this. Bearing in mind MIL has never offered to take DS or DH out for a day, or a meal or anything, and she inherited DHs dads house, all paid off.

OK,

(2) Comments

When DH and I first met, his parents said nasty things about me. DH never stood up for me, and it caused a massive rift for years. I still never have recieved an apology, but, I let it go. DH always says he regrets never standing up for me. The other night, when DH left again, my mum rung his mum to ask for him. She said I was bleeding him dry, and after everythig in her house aswell. Bearing in mind, we refinanced DHs loan, put it in my name also and with the extra money we got... a £3,500 television. For DH. Dh gets his hair cut, on the dot every 6 weeks at Toni and guy, top stylist, and I have had mine done twice in 2 years. Anyway, he did ask his mum about thiese comments, she denied them, and that was that. I said of course she was going to deny them, but he said drop it. He tried to diffuse the situation, and I should let it go. I started crying, because of all the hurt this attitude caused for the last 3 years, and he left AGAIN. Me standing in my socks, in the rain infront of his car for 20 minutes changed his mind, and now I know not to (a) meantion money and (b) meantion his parents.

AIBU for wanted the house at least decent living conditions? AIBU for not letting comments just pass on by, considering I would get shouted at, or walked out on if I said anything against his mum? Am I being money grabbing? I can only see it from my veiw point, and his,both polar opposites. No doubt there is more, but I can't think off the top of my head right now...

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
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Original poster
AIBU10000001 · 02/04/2007 18:21

Yep lulu, it's me. Not ashamed as such, just I know DH would leave if he saw this thread! He came back, but alot of jumping through hoops on my part. I have chosen that, I am kinda treating this as a seperate issue. The general feeling is I am being unreasonable abit about the money, his inheritance isn't family money and he can do as he likes with it... at least I can see that from another point of view now. The work issue I think has been cleared up, it isn't an option. It isn't an answer either.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 02/04/2007 16:28

Returning to the OP...

I don't know your story or who you are.

You need to find a seriously supportive counsellor to help you leave your husband. I had a great one on the NHS three years ago and he would have been excellent at helping you. There are some around. Please try to find one (with the help of your GP?).

lulumama · 02/04/2007 15:58

if you are who i think you are, then my advice is what it has always been....

leave, take back the power and leave, he has had you on a string since the year dot, and you have not benefitted one iota

i though he had left anyway? has he come back? if so, then he will perpetuate this behaviour, again and again..

he can give some money to his mum, but, IMO not at the expense of his own child...

when he bought the £3500 tv, the writing should have been on the wall

you have choices and options, and once you are feeling well and stronger you should excercise them,

look, you know what it is you need to do, as he is not going to change, so it is up to you to do it.

sorry if that sounds harsh, and if i have you mixed up with someone else, then apologies..but you know my opinion as you have been down this road before

VeniVidiVickiQV · 02/04/2007 15:49

OMG this really shouldnt turn into a WOHM/SAHM debate...hardly fair on the OP.....ladies...come on.

I dont think you are being unreasonable in asking your DH to support you.

The issue with your MIL...these things are never easy - they are one of those things where it is so easy for one side to get the wrong end fo the stick and can escalate without much help from there.

Anna8888 · 02/04/2007 15:46

No, I do believe that, very sincerely.

But I also believe that there is no harm in enjoying one's work, quite the contrary.

Judy1234 · 02/04/2007 15:41

You're too clever to believe that. Many of us enjoy our work. Mumsnet posters are doctors and all sorts of things and I'm sure they wouldn't be saying they do it for the money.

I found the other thread. Funny that it starts as - yet another article about how women should work and yet as a wokring mother if I were asked to hazard a guess I would say we had about 20 anti women working articles to one pro. Never any criticism of hallowed men of course, Gods on this earth beyond any castigation whatever they do.

Anna8888 · 02/04/2007 15:03

There is only one reason for working, and that is to earn money.

Judy1234 · 02/04/2007 15:01

Depression can get so bad people can't work. I do realise that. My father's a psychiatrist but people do get better and sometimes you need different pills and more therapy.

"Same way he would give me the house as I put down the deposit." Well they all say that until they see divorce lawyers who say the starting point is 50% (that would be 50% of the house, 50% of the inheritance etc) depending on needs to house children etc.

There's a good article in the Times on women and why they ought to work, for you Anna. I'll start a thread on it in case there isn't one.

Anna8888 · 02/04/2007 14:40

Xenia - but then, you are proposing work for women as a means of keeping one foot out of the door in marriage and a way of not addressing problems in a couple.

That is a VERY BAD reason for working.

hebetalbot · 02/04/2007 14:32

You sound really down. Please dont be ashamed of having a mental illness (1 in 4 people will suffer from depression during their lifetime). Having something do outside the home - a job or a hobby can really help. Are you in touch with your GP? Are you on AD's? Sorry I can't help with the inheritence thing. But something tells me that your low mood is having an effect on how you feel about the situation.

BeckleSpeckledEgg · 02/04/2007 14:20

To me (from the outside) it doesn't seem like this is an issue over money, more over the fact that your DH does not seem to give you and DS the same importance as he does his Mother and himself. Did your MIL get some inheritance too? Or was the £26,000 she lost her own (or DHs)? If she has got a house (with no mortgage) and earns her own money then surely she should be able to support herself easily? Seems unfair to me that you put down deposit on house and refinanced his loan and yet he can't even finance basic needs for you and DS.
It is admirable that he wants to share with his mother and make sure she is okay - but not at the expense of you his son.

(Also, depression aside, there are many people who can't earn enough to do much more than cover their child's nursery fees out there and personally I would rather be at home with mine than paying for someone else to look after them, even if that means we go a little shorter than I would wish.)

Original poster
AIBU10000001 · 02/04/2007 14:05

Besides, it isn't a real issue with his wage money. We do get on really well with that aspect. It's this inheritance, and then his general attitude in other areas. Xenia, he is too dim with rehards to divorce laws to "hide" "his" money from me. Besides, as selfish as I may come across abuot this one here, if we split I wouldn never ask for a penny of that inheritance. Same way he would give me the house as I put down the deposit.

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBU10000001 · 02/04/2007 14:03

I am unqualified, and too "ill" (I use that lightly as I feel ashamed with a mental illness) to work. If I did, it would barely cover DSs fees. I worked when we got together, provided for him. I cannot see it as his money/my money. I see it as ours, but, as long as it was mine to begin with. His is mine, but, his from his inheritance is 100% his. I cannot really have a problem with it, but I seem to.

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBU10000001 · 02/04/2007 14:00

He doesnt ban me from spending money, he just says "oh, next week/month". Or I ask for the money instead to spend on DS. We do not have a joint account, althought he wouldn't stop me. It's just the hassle aspect right now with tax credit and child benefit being paid into mine, some direct debits coming out, and others from his. It's just the underlying issue of his treatment of his wife and women in general. They are lower beings.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 02/04/2007 13:58

I am afraid all I think when I read this thread is why don't these women work and earn their own money. So perhaps the depression is what is causing the issue and why you can't earn etc? Solving that would help. On inheritance in law it's his money and although spouses during marriage have a legal duty to support each other and some even whilst married and living together have to get courts orders for maintenance (!) from each other, this is different. It's his money. If he think you might split up then it would be wise for him to make sure this money is not around so that there is less to share with you on any split I suppose.

Anyway it sounds like tackling the depression is the best thing. It sounds really bad at the moment.

Original poster
AIBU10000001 · 02/04/2007 13:58

He would hate his dad to treat his mum the way he treats me, but as his dad hated me and his mum, no matter what she does, is his last link with his old carefree life, he hangs on. He cannot commit to this family.

OP posts:
wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 02/04/2007 13:57

ibu do you have a joint bank account? If your dh has access to this money to have expensive haircuts etc, don't you have access to the money as well? If you're going without is it because he's said you can't spend the money? or is it that you choose not to spend the money, because IMO there is a difference.

Original poster
AIBU10000001 · 02/04/2007 13:57

He does have issues, but not depression. I admire the fact he will provide for his mother, but, at the cost of a decent living for his son? I cannot admore that. I am all for fairness, 50/50, but, sometimes it can't be so black and white.

He has a job, but, didn't go back after his dad died, and only worked the odd week here and there. Sometimes he would go back, stop at his mums on the way, then spend the day ferrying her around instead. He went back yesterday, properly (sp).

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBU10000001 · 02/04/2007 13:53

It's also his dad never married his mum. Like he almost didn't want her to get everything. Most things have a sentimental value (to DH, not to MIL), and origionally (sp?) he ws going to keep ALOT of it. His mum has forced him to sell things he didn't want to, but I am getting tarred with the brush meant for her!

The bottom line of it, as he has said, he cannot see me and DS as his "family". And his mum and me are on the same "level". It is like having 3 adults in the marriage, a need to provide for 3, when she has her own life, own income, and doesn't give a stuff about us.

OP posts:
wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 02/04/2007 13:53

Does your dh suffer from depression as well? Tbh it sounds from bits of your post, eg him going off on spending sprees, etc that he is also going through some kind of crisis and that he?s not dealing at all well with something in his life. Is it possible that his dad?s death has somehow pushed him over the edge? If this is the case, then this could explain his attitude towards you wrt his mum. She?s the only parent he has left now, and to him it is maybe hard to hear anything said about her, how ever true the things being said are.

Also, if he himself is suffering from depression, then it?s going t be doubly hard for hi to support you, as to him, he?s the one going through a hard time, and he?s finding it hard enough to cope with his own feelings, let alone with the feelings of someone else. Although it?s definitely not your fault, It?s incredibly hard to live with someone with depression, so if that person has depression as well I can only imagine it must feel nearly impossible.

With regards to the money, IMO this is something you need to talk about. Your dh obviously feels that he is providing for his mother now that his dad is no longer there, and this is an admirable quality. But if your family is going without so that he can provide for her, then this is something you need to address at a time when it is not likely to escalate into a row.

Original poster
AIBU10000001 · 02/04/2007 13:49

Soapbox, thats the point of view sometimes I cannot see. It's not an issue with him mum getting half, it's more she is getting it, doesn't need it, spending it really madly, while his own wife sleeps on a mattress on the floor, his son has no bedroom, we need new heating to heat the house this coming winter etc. Not trivial things.

We do not have a stable relationship at all, we are going to relate once the forms come, but to be honest he walks out before we get a chance to sort it usually!

OP posts:
BizzyDint · 02/04/2007 13:46

this isn't really about the inheritance though is it? i mean he's splashing out on haircuts all the time while you go without for example. you feel like you are second best to your MIL. he doesn't make you feel important or valued. he's left you more than once, you feel insecure. you need to talk to him about everything. write him a letter if it helps compose your thoughts.

ScottishThistle · 02/04/2007 13:43

I don't think it's unreasonable for your Dh to give half of his Father's money to his Mother tbh, any good son/daughter would surely do the same.

I'm very confused re the "He sold his Rolex to get away from me" comment however, I'm guessing you don't have a very stable relationship???

vitomum · 02/04/2007 13:42

was DH's inheritance from his father? so if i have got this right, MIL has spent her inheritance and now is getting half of yours and DH's? oh and it is yours and DH's, not just his.

he sounds like a mummy's boy

Soapbox · 02/04/2007 13:40

I think it is fair enough that he wants to use money from his father's things to provide for his mother. I think there is an underlying issue as to how his mother will use this money - possibly not wisely - but I think this is for her to determine not you. Your DH is doing his bit by passing on the money.

Why does DH not work regularly. TBH I think if you need work doing on your house then DH should get a job to fund it - that is what people usually do. What steps are you taking to get work done around the house? Or is it all DH's job to sort out?

As to the comment that 'we are his family now', well that is not factually correct - his mother is still his family. I would be rather sad if my DC's didn;t think of me as their family in 20years or so I think it is to your DH's credit that he wants to take care of his mother.

I think he sounds overwhelmed by everything - whilst it is certainly not your fault, living with someone with depression is very difficult.

I hope you both manage to find a way through all of this. Good luck!