to expect a child I'm looking after to follow my rules

I personally am Bitch Of Steel with one of DD1's more indulged friends. She seems to cope.

Oh dear yes I do get what you mean

I think if you are happy for some rules to be bent like Enid says, then that is fine, but I don't think you should be turning your house upside down for him either

oh dear it is hard. Part of me is thinking "Poor little boy, it wouldn't have hurt to have stones in the kitchen for one day" and part of me is thinking "But other people DON'T always want to let you do what you want, and if he is learning this now from a kind person then maybe it is a good thing..."

and I would not have wanted the stones in my kitchen either! FWIW my ds would have the same sort of tantrum about the same sort of thing in my house, as well! I don't think it is anything you or his mum are doing wrong, just one of those things with 3 y olds

(I would tell his mum and put your mind at rest - if she doesn't want him to be looked after unless you do everything his way, then she can soon tell you that)

F&Z you've hit it on the head... stones in the house, tantrums over chocolate... this is normal behaviour for a 3yr old surely! Totally to be expected! Even if the child has a ton of rules at home.

Correct the naughty behaviour.

Not that you were taking that tack!

oh lord can't say right for saying wrong today

I don't think you did anything wrong Goosey

I wouldn't have bought chocolate either or allowed piles of stones in a non pile of stones type household

but I think you should expect some upset and just use all your skills to help him get over it, rather than taking the tack "oh well he is being very naughty and disobedient, what a nuisance he is"

YKWIM

I have looked after a lot of friends' children in my house over the past ten years and they are normally pretty well-behaved, even if they are not so at home, because I have no problem telling other people's children what I expect in my home. I think it's quite unusual for a child to have screaming fits like this in someone else's house; in my experience they usually save it till the mum comes to pick them up! I'm not talking about crying because they're upset at being left, I'm talking about the sort of angry tantrums you describe. I think you had a lot to deal with and you did so well by the sound of it. I would be worried about this little boy and would gently tell his mum your experience of him. What will happen otherwise is that noone will ever want to look after him and that's a shame for any child.

This is a very hard one.

I think it is unrealistic to provide a list of rules in advance. Firstly, most of us don't spend time bringing our standards of behaviour to consciousness, let alone write them down. Secondly, even if you have a list ready and waiting, it is unwelcoming in the extreme to hand it out to visitors (of whatever age) on the doorstep.

And all of us have rules we care very much about and ones we feel able to relax on occasions without too much grief.

I have stepchildren. They grew up with certain rules when they lived with both their parents. Their father initially applied exactly the same rules as he had always done when the children were at our house. However, those rules do not all suit me and, since we have a daughter of our own, there is a set of rules in our house that is growing and evolving and that is increasingly different to the set of rules the boys have at their mother's house.

I think you just have to talk it out, whatever the age of the children. And take it by ear whether you have the strength of will to enforce a rule or whether you prefer to give in to a screaming child.

I think soapbox has hit the nail on the head

Yes- my tone of voice was very chilly, soapbox!

Yes, good point Franny. I think 3 year olds in unfamiliar environments are pretty likely to play up even without any new rules to reckon with, actually.

Scummy - the bitch thing would have been very bad behaviour in my book and might even have raised a very stern reponse

Friend doesn't really have any rules and gives into her dc's every whim

How do you know this?

Every child is different and bad behaviour does not necessarily equal lax parenting.

Well of course it's your house, so your rules

but I think it is being a bit unreasonable to expect a 3 y o to accept all the new rules without demur

I think most would have difficulty if your style is very different

doesn't mean that the child is brattish or the parents weak or that you are wrong for insisting

just that it is going to be harder work for you when a child who has different experiences at home comes round

I think 'your house, your rules' too.

I would only ask someone to look after my children if I knew enough about how they look after their own children and I felt comfortable with their 'rules' and methods of discipline.

Consequently there are only a couple of friends I'd actually leave mine with for any length of time (day or overnight).

Yes- stones not on, imo.

I do agree with that, soapy. But I would and have used the "In this house, we don't/do..." line if absolutely necessary. As in, to one 7 y.o. charmer recently: "In this house we don't use the word 'bitch' because scummy does NOT like it." Child in question had the grace to look ashamed so was instantly forgiven.

I would have given the option of chocolate or balloon, probably. Or just bought both!

Stones are bad behaviour in my book, as the child had been politely asked not to bring them into the house. SO would have done what you did.

agree with soapbox

we tend to pander to the guest and MY kids learn that rules are relaxed when we have guests

mind you you sounded like you handled it fine!