correct names and MILs

We get all kinds of odd combinations of our names on cards from various family members. my Aunt recently sent one to me and put Mrs dh's initial my surname. Couldn't fathom how she reached that odd combination, it's down to cluelessness rather than malice so just makes me laugh.

Interestingly, dh and I considered doing the double barrel thing but dh objected to it. I discussed it with pil and if we had gone down that route I would have had mysurname-hissurname as I think it just sounded better that way round, whereas pil assumed it would be hissurname-mysurname. So double barrelled would be ok so long as I was relegated to 2nd place.

No but when you can't stand your ILs anyway it helps when you get little niggles every now and again to confirm that you are right

We are married but each have our own names. DS does have DH's surname but there's no "should" about it. Our names just don't work double-barrelled (one surname is an adjective and the other is a noun, so either way round they sound oddly conversational) and DH's surname is easier than mine for people to get the hang of and easier to find names to go with, so it won out purely on aesthetic grounds.

DH's aunt does send my birthday cards to myfirstname DHsurname, and I'm not entirely certain whether it's on purpose or clueless. DH's grandmother does it too but I know in her case it's being nearly 90 and completely incapable of comprehending the concept of not changing one's name on marriage.

The tradition was similar in Ireland, Scottishmummy. My great-grandfather's first name was Johnny and my grandmother was known as Mary Johnny all her life.

thelady- very interesting did not know that about the names

I kept my maiden name, dds have double-barrelled combination of mine and dh's surnames. Also we gave them both the same middle name, which they could use as a surname instead of the double-barrelled one.
Oddly, we've had more trouble with my parents' side of the family accepting I've kept my name - my late Mil was fine about it (although a nightmare about other things), and all the other in-laws on dh's side are absolutely ok.
After more than 15 yrs marriage it pisses me off less than it used to when family address cards to "Mr and Mrs Dh initial dh surname" -I used to chuck any Christmas cards addressed like that into the bin.
Dds have complained about having the longest names on the school register! Apart from that, it doesn't matter a jot to them and they know they're free to choose whatever names they want to be known by.
Sometimes dh is addressed by my surname, which is quite amusing.

MIL rang my place of work one day and said to the receptionist
"Hello, can I speak to er.....Mrs...... er......Miss......er........Mrs.......er......Miss chipmonkeyfirstname chipmonkeysurname."
I think she was hoping that the receptionist would say "Goodness chipmonkey people find your name very confusing, perhaps you should use your married name!"
No such luck for her, receptionist thought she was barking!

I have an aunt who can't/won't remember that I still use my name and not dh's. The funny thing is that she can't remember dh's surname (it weird and foreign, and she doesn't need to use it very often), so she has in the past introduced me as "This is my niece, bran, I can't remember her married surname", she looks such a fool when I say "it's bransurname, the same as it's always been for the past xx years". Nobody else seems the slightest bit bothered, it never even occured to me to mention it to my parents/PILs before the event.

DH took my name. Partly because I refused to take his (feminist principle and its AWFUL) and partly because he was tired of the jokes. Since then MIL (who no longer has this name as she divorced his dad, reverted to maiden name and then remarried taking new husbands name) has refused to call me by my first name, preferring some strangled variant on it instead. Heavy sigh.

Great minds, Wheresthehamster .

Good for you not bowing to pressure, Rosa. Of course you did not make MIL cry; how ridiculous! If there is one thing parents have a right to do it is name their own children.

And good for you for not caving in to pressure.

Rosa that is outrageous!

I kept my name when I married and then when we had DD1 we decided we would double-barrel our surnames for her.
PILs went ballistic.
Phoned up raging and crying down the phone at DH.
Wrote deeply unpleasant letter threatening everything from cutting us off from family to cutting DH out of will
Wrote to my parents ordering them to intervene with me.
Got his sisters to put pressure on DH 'because you have made Mum cry and what does it matter anyway'. They also told DH that PILs thought it was all my fault and I made him do what I want.
We stuck to our guns and are now a very happy three-surname family. People go on about how it causes problems - we have never encountered any - apart from those other people have made for us.
But because of the way PILs reacted then as well as other problems in DD1's first year, I am polite and distantly friendly to them but have no respect or affection for them whatsover - that's what they destroyed when they chose to react the way they did.

lucyellensmum - sorry but I inferred from your first post, "grrr" I think you said, that you would prefer to be married. The cliche I had in mind was "why buy a book if you can go to the library?". In other words, why give your partner, well, partnership, without his having to make a public commitment to you, unless (like many women) you don't want that public commitment with all its legal implications?

But at least you have held out about dd having your surname, which is quite right in the circs. All you can do about mil is keep correcting her. Be patient with the old dear, she's probably having a senior moment when she writes the cheque wrongly.
At least that's the attitude you can take when you gently mention it.

ScottishMummy - I'm not sure where the tradition is strongest, but the minister who married us spent a lot of time in the Highlands and said that there if you were born Jeannie McLeod you'd die Jeannie McLeod no matter who you married!

In the Borders a woman seems to take her husband's name at marriage, but is rarely known as that - she'll be her Dad's daughter forever....

I think she is being unreasonable. She should use the name you have chosen.

All of my children have different combinations of surnames.

DS1 has XP-mine

DS2 has DP's

DD has mine-DP's

We were planning on getting married after DS was born so we just gave him DP's. Then we had surprise of DD and wedding plans went out the window.

When we went to register her I told DP in the office that she would be having my surname as well, bit of an impluse decision but he didn't mind. Due to circumstances during pregnancy I very much felt she was my baby so it just happened that way.

DH's aunt has a son, but she divorced his father and is remarried. She is currently going by her maiden name. So in a family of three, there are three different surnames!

Before DH and I got married, he told me that if I asked him he would take my name.

I did ask him one Feb 29. Did he keep his end of the bargain? Of course not!

I think if you and DP agree that the child should not have his surname, then everybody else should respect that....

Dp and I had been together for 10 years before we had children but even so I felt that when they started school people might think that the children weren't his if they didn't have his name.

Also my name is my exh's name so I don't think I considered it for long anyway.

How old is your dd? You could tell your MIL that it is confusing for your dd and could she stop it?

I actually know of someone who announced on his wedding day that he would be taking his wife's surname - because she was the last in the family to have that name.

A complete palaver to get his name changed though

Further to my previous post I am now hopping mad at the continued ignorance of my in-laws as to dd's name. She has just received an invite in post from her cousin (written by DP's SIL) with DP's surname only. My DD's surname is my surname followed by DP's surname and is not double-barrelled. Everyone knows this but his side of family continually get it wrong and send stuff to us as Mr&Mrs his surname when we are not married!!

thelady- hi i am scottish lived there til relatively recently and not aware of any tradition of scottish ladies keeping their surname upon marriage. i grew up in Lanarkshire so maybe its not reached there yet

i did keep my surname and baby is diuble barreled - Scottish family both sides were aghast their eyebrows have not returned to original position since, and bit humphhy about double barreled baby initially addressing mail to baby DAdSurname til we complained