to get stressed about DS not being invited to party...

mytwopenceworth

Pinkballoon what a nice man

Well DD and me have just got back from a nightmare birthday party (for her). It was the 6th birthday of the daughter an old friend/acquaintance of mine. My DD has tried hard to forge a friendship with this girl when her mum and me see each other (from time to time.)

Anyway, all of her school class were there, and my DD didn't know any of them. Being a bit younger than them, she ran around after them trying to be 'one of the gang.' They weren't having it and told her they didn't like her and to go away: she got shoved out of the way twice. The party girl ignored her totally too. Found her sobbing in a side room off the main hall after telling me she was going to the loo. Apparently they wouldn't let her go in 'their' loos too.

We made our excuses and left as early as we could. Ended up sitting in the Wimpy having a plate of sausages and chips and watching the rain. Smiles finally when the Wimpy man told her he thought she was actually a real princess (her party costume) and gave her a little childrens bag (actually wish we'd skipped the party and just gone to the Wimpy!).

I agree with others that is it the parents and their ignorance that cause this sort of thing, children in their innocence just see another friend it makes my blood boil

MTPW - it definitely sounds like narrow minded parents not the kids not liking DS1, which I think is a lot easier to bear (although still unbelievably unkind of them). I would certainly like to think it is not the hamster scenario. He obviously has a loving and caring mum and little brother and it sounds like he has fun at school. Still about it though.

cannot believe people would not come to child's party... although similar happened to mine, well quite a few didnt come and some who came just ignored her..it is heartbreaking

how mean to hold it on the day of the toddler group??

Birthday parties- what a minefield they are. When I am planning for my 2 DD's it is so hard to know who to ask. If you rely on the kids they forget someone (or worse, don't like them), if you are on a budget you can't always invite the whole class, so someone will always be left out. I tend to do a birthday treat with a couple of best friends or a low key tea party now. Less cost, less stress. As they get older they have just a few special friends so it is easier.
May I suggest another toddler group though? Some can be incredibly unwelcoming for the less confident or conforming mum, but you could make some really good mates elsewhere!

mtpw - I really feel for you. Could visualise it all.

How would people advise avoiding these outcomes? I can see myself in mtpw's situation come DDs party - don't know why, just do! Must admit it is filling me with dread (and the party is 6 months away!)

I'm really not at all surprised though that you feel bitter. That party story is awful, just awful. Mortifying.

mtpw, I'm sure lots of them do, I'm sure of it. Children are very interested in each other and they're only as prejudiced as their parents encourage them to be. IME.

imaginaryfriend - i wasnt meaning you or you dd, i was talking specifically about my feelings about my son, please dont think i was commenting on your dd or you at all, i wasnt, i was just ranting about how i feel my son has been treated. i would love to think ds1 classmates really felt about him as your dd does about her friend.

(btw, not relevant to your thread madamez, sorry, but my brother is quite severely autistic and when we were growing up never got near a 'normal' school. He's 42 now and I honestly couldn't say he's ever had a friend )

mtpw, that's very sad. I can see why you feel so bitter.

I don't think dd is doing that with her autistic friend at school, she's perhaps too young to be given 'points' or anything. I think she's genuinely drawn to her. She says she's beautiful. Dd's very shy and quite a loner so maybe there are some characteristics in this girl she relates to? To be honest I've found her mum very hard to talk to, not awfully so and she did bring her daughter to dd's party, but I've tried to suggest a few dates doing whatever would be fun for both of them and the mother seems so withdrawn, maybe even quite depressed, that it's gone nowhere. After your post, maybe she thinks I'm asking as a kind of 'charity' act? I'd hate that.

madamez, I know. We had a situation at school where lots of dd's friends were invited to a girl's party who they knew from before school. I mean dd didn't even know her but the fact all her little group were getting excited about the party, what they would wear, etc. and dd felt so left out, it got to me.

madamez - as kids get older the mums tend to ask who they want at parties, so please don't worry. and you are no doubt right in your interpritation, at this age the kids parties are more about mummy mates all getting together cos lets face it, most toddlers wouldn't have a clue, would they? hurtful to be left out though. arranging it during M&T time is thoughtless, but perhaps she thought that was the one time she could guarentee they'd all be available. did you perhaps miss the week before, perhaps she gave invites then?

BigEggLittleEgg - he is a lovely lad! his LSAs tell us how all the kids love him and practically fight over each other to be the one to partner him or help him. which makes me feel it must be the parents. maybe he's the equivilent of the class hamster. you feel all important taking care of him in class, watching him running in the wheel and giving him a carrot, but it's not your job to take care of him over half term. - if you get me!

it's just if they like him so much, why don't they want him outside of school. i'll tell you why, because they don't get class praise and team points for being nice to the weird kid out of school.

god i sound bitter.

your questions - ds2 is much more bubbly - ds1 can be very happy, but a bit more unpredictable. they are at different schools (infant and junior) so not much friend crossover. it is 'bad form' to take siblings to parties. we live 10 miles from the school, so people don't take us up on playdates (or maybe that's another excuse)

i agree with twiglett, at this stage 0-3years parents invite their friends and children, or people you get well at toddler groups, but honestly its not thoughtful of them to invite majority and leave 2 mums with chidren.
mtpw, im so upset to hear about your ds1. i cant belive people to such things to upset each other.

I find things like this really upsetting, and have nothing practical to suggest Madamez dont let it bother you, it wont always be like that kids do get their own friends and start to make their own decisions about their friends, when they are young mums tend to invite mothers they know rather than the children that changes when they are older, then you get into the party one up manship, ohh my party is disneyland paris where is yours ohhh kennedy space centre we did that last year

MTPW to be honest I truely dont know what to say I feel so sad for your ds and for you as well it does feel very personal when this sort of thing happens. I have been to a party where hardly anyone turned up, the mother was very very upset and cried I was so on her behalf I made a point of saying something to some of the other mums who I knew and who hadnt turned up, I know quite a few apologised to her didnt change anything but might make them think about stuff in future. As parents we remember stuff like this more than our kids and feel more hurt by it because we are more aware of it. I used to invite everyone in kids class to avoid anyone feeling left out.

MTPW-I am truly shocked and saddened that people could treat others in this way
Your poor ds

Mademez...aww it don't matter ..as you say, he doesn't know. I know the feeling though ...been there lots of times.

"once he and other kids are a bit older they will just be friends with each other whatever their parents think of one another... "

exactly

now its natural to be upset at this but you have admitted already that you're not friendly with the other mums .. and at that age IME people invite their friends and the kids' friendships are almost incidental

it was crass to have it at the same time as the toddler group but I think maybe (and not meaning to be unkind) if you are not bothered about these women you probably don't register on their radar that highly

Oh MTPW That is terrible. Poor you and poor DS1. I can't believe the parents would do something so horrid