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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with my Mum

34 replies

appledumpling · 27/03/2007 17:47

Before DS was born we said no visitors for the first 2 weeks to give DH and me time to adjust and get things vaguely sorted out.

DS was born last week and I had a lovely birth, no problems, no stitches. DS is a little angel and things have been ten times easier than I was expecting so we are more than happy to have people round.

PIL are coming this weekend and, without going into detail, their personal circumstances are such that it is better for them to come sooner rather than later.

We asked Mum/Dad to come after PIL had gone so that we weren't swamped with all the family all at once and so we could spend time with each side of the family. She wasn't happy and rang me today to say that she has arranged to come down this weekend as she can't wait another 10 days. So I now have PIL and my family at the same time (who don't really see eye to eye).

I obviously want Mum to see her grandson but feel that my needs/wants have been trampled on. There is some history here. There were tears this morning on the phone as she said it was only because she cared so much that she had arranged to come down without asking us. DH just thinks she's guilt-tripping me again.

So, am I being unreasonable to want family down in batches and is it unreasonable for Mum to have to wait until DS is 2 weeks old when we originally said no-one for 2 weeks anyway?

OP posts:
Original poster
appledumpling · 27/03/2007 18:25

Well, like I say there is history here which would be more suited to the relationship section of MN.

I'm just cross that she didn't have the courtesy to call and clear it with me and DH first - we wouldn't have told her not to come as it's clearly upsetting her.

Yes, she lives away but PIL don't even live in the same country and and were in the UK anyway dealing with a bereavement.

OP posts:
MaeWest · 27/03/2007 18:16

It can be really overwhelming with visitors in those first few weeks, but can understand why your mum is so keen to see her grandchild. Remember that you can always use the get out clause that the baby needs feeding/calming down and take them upstairs for some time out if it all gets too much. Congratulations on your new baby btw.

hunkermunker · 27/03/2007 18:11

Unless massive previous family ructions (abuse, etc), I think it's unreasonable to want grandparents to stay away for a fortnight, yes.

Congratulations on your DS!

Rantum · 27/03/2007 18:07

I don't know anything about your personal circumstances or your relationship with your Mum, so my opinion is only based on a very general understanding of your situation. That said, I do think that it was a bit unfair of your mother to go against a specific request, but I also can understand how a new grandparent could feel desperate to be involved and to meet her new grandchild. It is a really big moment for most grandparents when a new life is born into their family. (I also viewed it as something of a fresh start with my parents - my child's relationship with them does not have to bear any resemblance to my own iykwim)

My own mother was at my house for the first week after ds's birth and I really benefited from all of her help - so if you have to have your Mum (and PIL's) over make sure that they know that they are there to visit the baby and that means that they will be making their own cups of tea etc. Good luck!

3easterbunniesandnomore · 27/03/2007 17:59

Is this their first grandchild?
However, even if not, 2 weeks seems a long time to have to wait.
Saying that, my poor mum had to wait 4 month to meet her last grandson, because we lived in NI at the time, and she had been over a few month before the Birth and couldn't have afforded to come any earlier then x-mas.
Just tell visitors, that they have to help out rather then being waited on, iykwim

unknownrebelbang · 27/03/2007 17:59

I couldn't imagine asking either set of grandparents to stay away when I had my three.

BizzyDint · 27/03/2007 17:58

do they all live far away from you? or is it that they will have to stay at your house? i can understand your mum being upset that your in laws will meet her grandbaby before she will.

my own situation was that my family all live far away. they all came but stayed in hotels or with other family near by. i then allocated them 'slots' to come and see us. the first time they came i said it was for an hour each, with an hour inbetween each visit. (none of them speak to each other by the way, so the situation was their own doing, not mine.)

rowan1971 · 27/03/2007 17:57

I think your mum is being a bit unreasonable - particularly by arranging to come down before clearing it with you! Make sure that everyone understands that you won't be doing the cooking/clearing up. Do you have enough room to accomodate all these people?

ladyoflincoln · 27/03/2007 17:54

my mum was there when both my two children were born, and my mil was also 'on the scene' within 24 hrs!

2 weeks does seem a very long time to wait? but as i don't know your family history/dynamics i can't really say that you are being totally unreasonable..

think about how you will feel when your lovely new ds is an adult and maybe has children - i am sure you will be bursting to meet them!