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Original poster

To consider cutting off a friend?

35 replies

thishousewontcleanitself · 21/03/2007 09:25

Truly interested in your opinions here.

Following on from emkana's 'perfect' thread, I have a friend who is currently driving me up the wall, and I would love to not have to see her or her dd anymore, but I feel very guilty about it.

We were pg together and our children went to the same playgroup. She's lovely, we get on very well as adults, but when it comes to our dcs, well...

Basically, she has a 'child genius' daughter. Now, I know we all think our dcs are the best, but she shoves it down my throat the whole time. This kid is 3 months older than ds (2.1) and yes, is very advanced - can speak 'proper' sentences, draws circles, squares and triangles, knows all the letters of the alphabet and their phonic sounds as well, can count to twenty...

I don't think I'd mind any of this if she was a nice child, but she isn't and, tbh never really has been - we visited this week and she spent the entire time taking toys off ds and slapping, pushing and shoving him away, then screaming for her mother if she didn't get her way. She has no social skills whatsoever. She also slammed ds's hand in the door (okay, I'm sure that wasn't on purpose but she wouldn't open the door either while ds was screaming so I'm sure you can see why I'm a bit biased!).

They don't have stairgates or door stops in their house as dd is 'beyond all that' but ds isn't and I was constantly on edge after that.

My friend's reaction to this behaviour was to say 'well, they don't really play together at that age, do they?' and not once telling her off for hitting and shoving except in a very laid-back, 'now then, dd, we don't do that, do we' from her sofa across the room. I really felt like showing her how my ds and his other friends play, they totally interact and have a great giggly time playing chase, tea parties etc.

I think I could probably forgive all of this if it weren't for the constant parading of her dd's brains - the child was shoved in front of me and asked 'what was the name of the special doctor that nanna had to go and see, dd?' to which she replied 'podiatrist' and my friend beamed at me as if to say 'look! Isn't she fabulous!' to which I was very tempted to reply 'wow, she can parrot well, can't she?' DD was also prevailed upon to tell me the alphabet, draw me a circle and sing me a song.

As ds is entirely normal with no outstanding characteristics whatsoever (barely says a word, draws like a scribbling loon, is convinced that pigs are sheep) except a very sunny personality, I was left feeling a bit inferior. I made a jokey comment about his not being up to her levels and she said 'well, we can't all be intelligent, can we?'

Also - and I'd love to know what you think of this - she made lunch and it was pasta with rocket, black olives and some kind of italian ham (the stuff that looks raw). No sauce. Huge bowlfuls of this were plonked down in front of the dcs. Ds is fussy with his food at the best of times and this just puzzled him - he started playing with it. Of course, dd ate it all up whilst my friend beamed at her 'of course dd has a refined palate, we took her to Umbria a few months back and she adored the antipasto there' - is this just so much middle-class twattage or what?? (perhaps I'm , I don't know...)

So of course ds was hungry (no other food was offered) and got a bit agitated. I said I'd better take him home and friend got really distressed, 'oh, no, do you have to go?' and I felt really bad.

I think she's probably lonely and possibly a bit insecure - her dp's job has moved and she doesn't really know anyone in the area, there aren't a lot of other children around in the tiny village they live in.

My friend is a sahm, her dd has never been away from her, they've moved quite a long way (50min car journey) away and I don't think her dd has been to playgroups etc since then as there aren't any in the area.

She has actually said to me that she isn't going to send dd to pre-school as she can't bear to let go...

So I feel awful about even thinking about cutting her off as a friend, but I also felt incredibly aggrieved that I'd driven for 50mins to be patronised, have ds pushed about and ignored and then get fed some godawful dinner party food that no normal child would eat!

So, I like her, but I hate her attitude to her dd and I'm beginning to heartily dislike her dd into the bargain - for which i feel even more guilty as she's only a child...

What would you do?

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 21/03/2007 09:45

oh junk the woman already

staceym11 · 21/03/2007 09:42

my dd does sentences etc but i have friends whose dcs the same age dont, iv never gone on like that!

same as most of their dcs walked early dd didnt till she was 18 month, but they didnt go on!! would have made me feel bad!

i think your friend is inseccure about her parenting, and is trying to show you she can be a good parent.

maybe sit her down and explain that you cannot see her if her dd continues to be horribel to your ds, and also you find it a bit demeaning when she parrades her childs 'brilliance' while at the same time dissmissing your childs 'normality'.

hope you get this sorted! it sounds distressing!

danceswithaSPRINGinherstep · 21/03/2007 09:39

Oh, she sounds insufferable! Quite honestly if you have plenty of friends anyway I'd just let the friendship slide..be busy when she invites you over, if you feel too guilty doing this maybe have her over to yours more often where you can feed the children 'normal food' (my dd bizarrely likes lettuce/rocket but ds - 2yrs wouldn't have touched any of that lunch!) and be a bit more forceful about rules of not hitting ie 'oh no, we don't hit in this house etc'.
It's taken me almost 30yrs to realise that some friendships just aren't worth it. Now I'm only friends with people dc and I really like to spend time with and I'm much happier for it.

IdreamofClooney · 21/03/2007 09:37

I would be inclined to "phase her out" to be honest. I have some friends that seem to serve purely for the purpose of making me feel shit about myself and I do think why bother?

If her DD is so wonderful why does she need to keep forcing the issue, the child is 2 fgs what she needs is love, stimulation, social interaction and a bit of discipline etc so she can grow up to be a nice decent person not a super intelligent freak with no social skills!

I would not want to hang out with her and I wouldn't want my DS hanging out with her or her daughter where he is being constantly judged and bullied - well that is how I would feel. I personally would rather have a happy kind sociable child than an intelligent one!

webmum · 21/03/2007 09:36

I think ou're spot on when you say she's probably very insecure. It depends how much she annoys you, and how much you actuall enjoy spending time with her, how long have you know her before children as well...

It doesn't seemm like yyou'll see a lot of her anyway if she lives so far apart, so if you think yyou can bear it just once ina while....

I used to knoe a little girl who seemed a genius, and perfectl behaved too, compared to mine, but in time their differences evened out and she started being less of a genius and more like a'normal' child, but luckilyy her mum, though obviously proud, was never so much in yyour face about it!

powder28 · 21/03/2007 09:36

Just talk to her on the phone or email and maintain the friendship that way.

grannycracksopenabottleofwine · 21/03/2007 09:34

can you invite her out with a few of your friends and their dcs? if she's lonely she'd probably be pleased and it would be good for her dd.

your ds sounds very advanced socially. none of mine have played properly with other children when 2 years old

sounds like the sort of lunch i'd like but maybe a bit salty for small children

KristinaM · 21/03/2007 09:33

i woudl see her in teh evening for a drink and say " oh lets not talk about the kids, lets have a night off"

flibertygibbetplus2 · 21/03/2007 09:32

Think I would certainly keep my distance for a while. If she tries to make arrangements I'd mention that they don't play together very well. Could you meet up without the kids and keep her as a friend for you but not for DS?

earlgrey · 21/03/2007 09:30

Would drive me up the effing bend, tbh. I couldn't stand it.

Had a similar thing with my best friend, who I've known since I was 18. Her dd was 3 months older than my dd1. Thing is, she wasn't that clever, just 3 months older than dd.

Had to stop seeing her while this was going on. Still meet occasionally but it's never been the same.

Why do people do this? Are they insecure?

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