To consider cutting off a friend?

This came up to me as a suggested thread but it's nearly 20 years old 🤣

9 of course I'm now dying to know how it turned out! Did her DD go to Oxbridge at 10? Move to Italy for the food? Become a Podiatrist perhaps?! 😆

Please come back @thishousewontcleanitself !

I agree with what others have said, tell her how you feel. If you cant say it to her face then write to her. If she is a good friend she wont mind, and may even feel embarassed.

I think she was desperate to impress you - she prob values your friendship more than you know.

Totally agree with everyone re:insecurity on her part.

If and when you visit again, suggest you both go to a toddler group there, ie get her out of the house.

She sounds unhappy to me, and, to be brutal, a bore! Your ds on the other hand, sounds charming. I feel sorry for her dd - has your friend seen Parenthood?!

I dropped a "friend" I knew from toddler group for her nauseating comparisons of my dd and her ds. I took it in my stride till she said something in front of dd. Dd answered her and this woman turned to me (right in front of dd) and said "oh your dd doesn't speak very well yet, does she? My ds is so much more advanced and speaks much better than she does." I told her why I dropped her though and I'm fine with it. Haven't missed those visits at all. Who needs it? She told me she was just insecure which was obvious but why should I or my dd have to bear the brunt of it?

She was a bit like this woman you mention in that she'd be constantly priming her ds with new knowledge, like counting to 100 or backwards from 20 or some such thing. And then she'd say, "oh your dd CAN'T do that yet? Really? Ds has been able to do that for about 6 months." Mind you if I had been coaching her to count backwards from 20 aged 2, she could have done it too!

thishouse - this is proper dilemma and I empathise having been in almost an identical one myself and I still struggle with a good friend who brags endlessly about her dd's accomplisments. You are very compassionate about her as well.

The question is: How valuable is her friendship to you?

If it is still of value then is there any way you could be open about your discomfort? You are perfectly legitimate in doing so and if she can take it on board you might be really helping her.

Something like "I really value you as a friend but I find it difficult to handle your talking about your dd's achievements - my ds isn't in the same place so it's naturally hard to not feel uncomfortable." You can even say "Maybe it's me - but just to let you know and I don't want to hurt your feelings etc etc"

Maybe that's impossibly hard ( I know I'd find it hard!) but if you can keep a friendship after that - then it will be a much deeper and valuable one!

But the dd's behaviour - that's a tough one - most friendships can't survive the child that is never told off!

I think you could perhaps ease back a little without totally giving up. Yes the comparing and lack of discipline drives you wild. but if it is only every so often it might not be so bad. And hopefully once her child gets a bit older she will start to chill a bit.

I agree with others about the lunch. Not sure mine at that age would have eaten the rocket or olives, although probably the parma ham and they would definitely have been happy just picking the pasta out and eating that with no problem whatsoever. OK not an ideal lunch - just a bowl of plain pasta but enough fuel to keep them going.

Also my sister is her firstborn so I think that makes it even harder for her.

and powder your bil sounds like a charming man - not.

Powder
I guess there's nothing you can do then, except be there for her when it all falls apart.

I agree with Enid, you sound a bit jealous, and you are being equally comparing ? ?She has no social skills whatsoever.?, ?my ds
and his other friends play, they totally interact and have a great giggly time playing chase, tea parties etc.?

As for the lunch I see nothing wrong with it. If her dd eats that kind of thing then she has no reason to think that someone else?s child wouldn?t, if you don?t have a fussy child and your child is happy to eat everything you do it?s hard to understand how others? children can be fussy iykwim.

It can be annoying when people hold their children up against yours, I have a friend who does this, her dd is a year older than my ds, and she ?had the vocabulary of a three year old? when she was just one, was ?offered a place in school aged three? (yeh right), and friend even said that her sil?s dd ?just isn?t right somehow? when she still wasn?t walking at a year old as friend?s dd had walked at 9 months. It?s annoying, but it?s often a sign of major insecurity, my friend was adopted but was the middle of three and the two other children were her parent?s biological children and her mother never stopped telling her that so she has no sense of her own identity.

Could you tell her that ?there?s no need to compare the kids, they?re all individuals and two is still very young to know how your child will turn out anyway?.

Sounds awful but if she's a real friend you should be able to have a word with her about the brilliant child stuff, but lets face it most Parents do that anyway!

Girls are generally more advanced than boys of the same age so if your ds is 3mths younger there will obviously be a noticeable difference.

In general 2yr olds don't actually play together (even the clever ones) so your ds & his friends must be very socially advanced.

sadly i know for a fact she will NEVER leave him and it seems she has already made her choice.

[shock powder, think you should start your own thread. He sounds dangerous to me, you should try to find her and get her away from him asap.

House, Tell her you can't afford petrol for the drive, and she'll have to cvome to you. That way your ds will be safe, and get yummy food for lunch. Altho I like the sound of that lunch,, I know dd1 wouldn't eat it.
Also just tell her that comments like, we can't all be intelligent don't wash well with you and you'd rather she didn't say things like that about your ds, who is perfectly normal. Yes her dd does more than mine, who's 3.3yrs. But that doesn't mean your ds isn't smart too.

What have you got to lose by saying it straight. If she takes Umbridge then problem solved, if not, she'll visit YOU and stop being so annoying. Win/win.

haven't we all done things that we cringe at now with our first baby?

just move on if she is driving you mad

fwiw I didnt send my dd1 to pre-school either - dont think that is a sackable offence!

you sound a bit jealous about the food - mine wouldnt have eaten it either BUT I would have felt secure enough to say 'ds doesnt like olives or parma ham, can I have some plain pasta or bread a butter?'

she sounds fine (the friend)

ok irritating about her dds achievements but nothing else you said sounds that bad

BUT it does sound like you have grown apart, and if she irritates you that much I would not bother seeing her for a while.

I have no way of talking to my sister now. Her husband told my parents that her phone was at the bottom of the canal.
To cut a long story short, none of us know where she is. The only people who do are his side of the family.
My mum is completely distraught but hwta can she do?
My sister and her dh were living with my parents on their own last year and my parents were the only ones who gave
them any help ie financial, emotional etc
My sister had an ectopic pregnancy. My parents were at my house and when they got back my bil was there
e said '*** gone to hospital she collapsed in the bathroom'

My mum said 'my god why?'
to which he replied 'im not telling you, she doesnt want you to know and i havent even got your f*ing telephone number so i couldnt ring you and i suppose ill haveto take the kids with me'

My mum said she would watch the kids while he went.

When he got back he told them she had to have an operation and she nearly died.

My mum chose not to go to the hospital but did ring my sister before she came out.

A few days later when my sister was home my niece was saying to my mum that 'daddy is being silly, he wont let me do anything' and my mum just said 'never mind' and bil picked her up and said to his 3 yr old dd'its not me you need to be frightened of , some peopel dont even care if youre dying in hospital'

Sorry, this has nothing to do with the op, just need to get it offmy chest i think!

God, she sounds awful on some levels, highly insecure on others.

At least you are a 50 minute drive apart which is a useful distance.

I don't think I'd cut her out completely but I'd be 'very busy' with toddler groups/other friends/infectious ailments etc and scale the meetups down to every couple of months and keep them short and sweet.

Sometimes meeting away from her/your homes can take the heat off. A park or soft play place, then you can take your own lunch and you won't feel so trapped in her house listening to it all. Could take another friend and her child along too to take out the intensity.

I have a friend like this too, except her chiild and mine actually play really well.
Her ds walked at 10months and mine at 15. This she said was down to me using pram or sling and actually taking him places. Apparently if had been at home he'd have walked sooner. He has flat feet and according to her is due to being in cloth nappies.
If my ds does something hers has been doing for longer, better and is on next stage (they're the same age exactly 3yrs just days apart)
When my DS learnt to do somersault, her's was doing handstand in to a crab. Funny thing is you never see this though.
I'd would have moved on infact did for a while but the two do play nice.
I say phase out and be pleased you have a sunny happy boy, to me that's much more impotrtant than anything else.

I know stacey, I was really angry about it because before hewent off on one he took both HIS kids upstairs first and then came back down and shot his mouth off in front of my ds!

I have some shocking stories about this guy, he really is a freak!

I would say also that if you like her as adult company then continue to do that.

As a mother she sounds absolutely awful. You mustn't subject your child to that anymore. She is obviously very insecure this 'friend' and has hot-housed her poor child, rendering her incapable of any decent social interaction. She will not be a popular child and will not have friends if this continues. Your friend seems to measure her worth and success as as a mother by how well how child can count. That's crap.

why do you like her? its not rhetorical, pleae answer.

is she a friend ebcuase ...you know her becuase i have a more narrow definition than that

if she has somehow helped youin your hour of need. if she is great for a laugh, good to go have a beer with, someone you can confide in. maybe she has redeeming qualities
qualities which cannot be present with parent posturing and angel children.

if she is a nice person dont see her with children

powder, your BIL sounds like a loon!

Actually my sister and her husband are the same as your friend. We lived with them for a while [a year!!!], me and my dh and my ds1 [ i was pregnant with ds2] and my sister and her dh and their two kids. Although my sisters DH is a nasty manipulative bully.
My niece would push, bite, scratch my ds constantly and never seemed to get properly told off.Then one day my niece was playing with some polystyrene on the floor and mh dh picked up my son and who was 10 mnths and took him in the other room so he wouldnt pick up the polystyrene and eat it. Next thing my bil went off on a tangemt about how
'we always held him, didnt let him explore things, etc'

Then he said that if we didnt keep holding him then he would be

'walking by now like his kids' and that if we werent careful he would be

'mentally deficient'

honeslty becasue we wouldnt let our child eat polystyrene!