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AIBU?

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Original poster

Big row between DH and my DM. AIBU or is he?

166 replies

Stuckbetweenrockandpita · 05/06/2017 14:09

Namechanged as this may out me to friends. Will try and keep this short but not end up dripfeeding!

Background is my mum is a bit of a PITA. Narc tendancies definitely - she's pretty self-absorbed, super defensive when criticised, thinks she is right and everyone else is wrong etc etc. But she's not THAT bad, certainly not as bad as some of the descriptions of narcs I have read on here. I didn't get on well with her as a teen but nowadays we get on fine - speak at least once a week and she is generally supportive and a decent listener. Sometimes she is judgemental and I can't tell her everything, e.g. she is v critical of anyone on anti-ds, so I never discuss things like that. But I do talk to her more often than friends. She is my mum after all and a mum will always care more about little things than friends will.

She loves my 2 DDs and they love seeing her too. However she is not exactly brilliant with them. She's not great at playing, tires easily and after a while they always end up in front of the TV. She also clearly favours DD1 - not to the extent she doesn't love DD2, but DD2 does end up being told off more often (despite the fact DD1 is much more challenging! so it's not about good behaviour), and for example while out with both of them may say things like "DD1, look at that swan!". DD2 is only 3 and doesn't seem to have noticed yet, but she will.

Long story short, DH has put up with her for 13 years, but on a recent holiday they had a barney. It was over something minor, but was clearly his pent up frustration about her having to be right about everything. Since then, she has ignored it and has indicated she will pretend it never happened. DH however has decided he doesn't want to see her again, and ideally doesn't want the DDs to either. Of course he won't tell her that though, so it would be up to me to tell her and deal with the consequences (which we all know will be a narcisstic rage). Plus she'd be understandably upset if we took away contact with her only DGCs.

I have considered NC before, but decided against it, partly because our relationship isn't all bad and on balance I feel it is positive. That, and I don't want to destroy relationship with my DF. Or my DDs relationship with their DGPs. My gran clearly favoured a cousin of mine, and also wasn't the easiest woman, but I'm still glad that I had her in my life, so I'm not convinced that stopping contact is the best thing for the girls either.

Any advice? I feel like DH needs to suck it up, accept that you don't always get on with family members, and go back to our previous way of existing. After all MIL is no picnic but I put up with her! Is DH being U or even childish for refusing to see his MIL, and by assuming there will be no fallout, or more likely just leaving me to deal with it? Or AIBU for forcing him to see someone he really dislikes, or forcing him to have the confrontation himself?

Either way I feel like it will be horrible. DM is pretty blind to these things and doesn't seem to have noticed he is avoiding her, but DF has and has been asking me about it. It's going to start being obvious soon and I don't know what to do... TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckbetweenrockandpita · 05/06/2017 14:39

Loopy I agree - DH and I have agreed she shouldn't have unsupervised contact with dcs. E.g. we let them stay for a day with MIL but not my DPs. They only spent a few hours with her at the weekend while I had a migraine.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 05/06/2017 14:39

No your dh needs to accept that he doesnt get to decide whether you or your dd have a relationship with your mum

Obviously regarding OP he doesnt but since the DDs are 50% he does have a say. I wouldnt want any child of mine growing up with this woman in their lives, Gran or no Gran. And I would reckon the OP has spent her whole life thinking a lot of her Mums behaviour is normal and just "her" and therefore unable to understand how bad it probably actually is.

Loopytiles · 05/06/2017 14:37

IMO on the basis of the info you've provided here your DM should not have unsupervised contact with your DC, eg due to her favouritism and risk that she will behave in ways that are upsetting or even damaging to your DC.

Original poster
Stuckbetweenrockandpita · 05/06/2017 14:37

Not sure why people keep saying I can't see it, I started a thread about it!!

I have had counselling for how she is over the years, I know exactly what she is like and so does DF. I am not perfect myself but wouldn't expect everyone who finds me a bit challenging to go NC, especially if they are direct family.

On the favouritism thing, yes it is a problem and I am not denying that. I have a feeling it is because we suspect DD1 may have some issues and she feels overprotective so overcompensates iyswim.

But honest question.... would everyone with a DP who shows favouritism to one DGC over another go NC? Maybe because my grandparents were like that I just assumed it was normal!! Really, honest question...

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 05/06/2017 14:31

Narcs can be lovely at times but the fact that she's your Mum ( the only have) doesn't excuse her behaviour.
You are seriously minimising how damaging she is and while that's up to you it's unfair to expose your dc to it. She is doing the classic trick of treating one gc as the golden child and you are allowing/facilitating it. I agree totally with your DH, unfortunately you have been so conditioned by your mother that you can't see it

Original poster
Stuckbetweenrockandpita · 05/06/2017 14:30

Trying to keep up!

Should have made it clearer, I absolutely do support him and agree with him, she can be an absolute nightmare. I just don't see it as black or white as he does, and have weighed up that she is not bad enough for me to want to do NC, or to not see DF ever, or to essentially break up whole family.

I should also mention (sorry, dripfeeding! not intentional) I am an only child, so would be removing basically her entire family.

Also, they live a few hours away, so visits are for days not hours, DH can't just disappear to the pub...

OP posts:
cansu · 05/06/2017 14:29

No your dh needs to accept that he doesnt get to decide whether you or your dd have a relationship with your mum. Most peoples relatives can be a pain in the arse at times but if you love and value your mum and she brings some positives to you and your dd lives then he should shut up. He can be low contact quite easily without making a big deal out of it but I would mot accept him forcing you to choose.

unfortunateevents · 05/06/2017 14:28

I'm with your husband on this one. From what you say about her, I think you are so used to her behaviour that you minimise her poor behaviour and negativity. Your DH was prepared to put up with (or ignore) her behaviour but can now see that is is going to impact your DDs. I don't think he can unilaterally decide that your DDs can't see their GM but you do need to tackle her behaviour towards them before it becomes more obvious. What kind of message will you be giving to DD2 (and indeed DD1) when they start to notice the favouritism?

Lymmmummy · 05/06/2017 14:28

Also you say your DH is avoiding the situation but it comes across as if it is you who is avoiding acknowledging that your DM is a difficult individual and that your DH has been very accommodating of her in the past

Original poster
Stuckbetweenrockandpita · 05/06/2017 14:26

Xposted with firawla

Thanks, yes I agree that is my decision to make about the dcs. It will be awkward though as DM keeps asking to see us and there are only so many times I can make excuses for him not being there, and what happens when we get to xmas etc? Feel like he is hiding from it and letting me deal with it all alone

OP posts:
Hont1986 · 05/06/2017 14:26

YABU, sorry.

Re-read your post, you're a textbook example of a child of a narc parent. Making excuses for her ("she's not THAT bad") and wanting things to just be smoothed over without confrontation ("go back to our previous way of existing") - oh, and notice any parallels with "she has ignored it and has indicated she will pretend it never happened".

Your DH is trying to protect your daughter. Back him up.

ClemDanfango · 05/06/2017 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lymmmummy · 05/06/2017 14:25

This is my take - others will have different ones

My MIL sounds similar to yours - my DH sees it as abut of a quirk and like you thinks she is "not that bad" this is probably because he grew up thinking this type of behaviour is normal and unchallengeable he had a tendency to refuse to stand up to her indulges her and excuse her poor behaviour as one of those things etc

I am not trying to make this about me - we have resolved things it's fine for us but I mention it as I have a similar experience - I can empathise with some of the frustration that your DH may be feeling and perhaps you need to also consider his feelings in this - like you say he has done 13 years already and perhaps he is also becoming irritated at the favouring of one DD and not wanting this to be considered ok? and maybe he is frustrated that you are not supporting him etc

Practically I think one sensible option is to give your DH a free pass for when your mother visits - can he go to the pub go for a run or whatever and just reduce the level of contact between the two of them?

Personally I do think it's ok for him to say enough is enough he doesn't want to spend his time with her - but it's not ok to make the decision on behalf of the children

Original poster
Stuckbetweenrockandpita · 05/06/2017 14:23

She can be toxic, agreed. She can also be great, sometimes. And she is the only mum I have!

The point is that DH doesn't want to deal with the issue, he just wants to avoid it. I did tell DF that I thought the favouritism was having an impact, though I don't know how much good that will do tbh.

OP posts:
firawla · 05/06/2017 14:21

If dh doesn't want to see her then fair enough I suppose, he could keep it pretty minimal but asking you and dc to go nc with her is very U, that's your decision to make and it looks like you've weighed that up already. I don't think he should push that. You should probably start to work on the favouritism with her so she treats the dds equally, if that continues, but don't think it needs to be as drastic as stopping contact?

worridmum · 05/06/2017 14:16

No of course your DH you mother seems toxic and I am sorry but I think your husband is right.

You need to deal with the favouritism now before your DD2 notices because that could in danger there relationship with each other quite badly

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