Big row between DH and my DM. AIBU or is he?

ZOMBIE THREAD!

Op, another thing stood out to me.

You say "if she keeps showing favouritism I will address it". Why not now? I imagine there's something about your relationship with your dm that makes it preferable to accept her harming your dc than to have to address it.

Honestly, if you can't address it now, you won't be able to address it when she (inevitably) continues to act in an abusive way.

The reason so many people choose to stop contact is because sometimes that's the easiest option than trying to get someone to change their behaviour.

But you love your mum too, right? And want her to love you, and so on. And your mum has taught you from birth that love means having to put up with abuse. That's the problem. It's not your fault that you find it hard to shake that off - the things we learn all our lives tend to stick. But if your DH doesn't believe that (which is healthy) and has decided he won't be putting up with it any more - well, good for him. And maybe, in the long term, it will be good for your DC to see that role-modelled.

I think that you are absolutely wrong to accept the favouritism. It's emotionally harmful to both your dc, and they should be protected from that.

Now, that doesn't have to mean going nc, but you need to be supervising and advocating for your youngest. You need to let your dm know you won't tolerate it and she must stop.

I imagine that's hard if emotional abuse seems like a normal part of family life, but you have a chance to break this cycle.

Tell DH that if he is refusing to see her again (which he's perfectly entitled to do) he needs to tell her. No reason you should have to. If he doesn't, you'll be asking her round again. Do you want to get into the dynamic with him that you have with her, where you always matter least and suck up person A's crap so that person B doesn't have to? To hell with that.

Hi @Stuckbetweenrockandpita, I know this thread is sooo old but I posted last Christmas about such a similar scenario. So much of what you say resonates with me, and I wonder, if you are still around… how did things between your DH and your DM pan out in the end? How did you navigate things like Christmas if he wasn’t speaking to her?

Sending my very best wishes and I hope life has been kind to you ❤️

Well done OP. It really sounds like this was a communication problem and that now you have had frank discussions you have, if not solved the problem, at the least contained it and reached a sensible compromise that everyone can live with.

It is much easier for others to say go NC or LC but it is not so easy in real life.

When I first met OH 50 years ago he told me that I should not put up with my mother and should stand up to her. At first he could not understand that it was what she wanted. She was so articulate, So clever, and any remark I made would be taken apart and used as an excuse to make another 10 put downs. She called play the martyr so well to everyone around her.

Also, so much of what she did was so sly. She had a little stool in her sitting room and every birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day present that I bought her would sit on that stool all year, unopened and unused. Then E wry once in a while she would say, "I must get someone to take all that junk to the charity shop, I do t know where it came from".

I looked after her until she was 95, I never once stood up her. I really hope you can find a way to stop her coming between you and DH.

Quite sad today. I have just spoken to mum and she sounds so frail and broken. She's 93 now and has had some very small TIAs. The last one was about a month ago and she's not really any better. Her speech is much slower and she's struggling with her words, and indeed with her thought processes.
On the plus side she's much gentler and kinder at the mo. No diggy niggly prods.
How are you doing Stuck?

I have been in much the same position as you. Unfortunately my husband was also extremely controlling as was my MIL which made it harder to agree with his attitude towards my parents.

I am now in the final stages of divorcing STBXH and am NC with MIL. The way she treated our DD after I left her son was abhorrent and totally unforgivable. DD has chosen to let it blow over as she adores her GF and wants to keep in touch with her dad's side of the family. I wouldn't spit on the woman if she were on fire.

So we're living with my parents for the time being and it has opened my eyes to exactly how bad my mum's behaviour can be. The difference is, having found the courage to leave STBXH, who I was terrified of, I now have no compunction when it comes to dealing with her antics.

I'm not sure what to suggest but you have my sympathy as it really is a ghastly situation to be in, especially as an only child. I think whatever you decide you need to find some way to resolve the situation, ideally without it coming down to you retaining a relationship whilst your DH is NC, as it will have an impact on your marriage over the long term.

You mention that you've had counselling? Have you tried/heard of Transactional Analysis? I found it very helpful in devising methods to cope with my mum's behaviour.

Ooof and now I am going to name change.

Stuck- how has mother reacted- well she can't begin to understand why I don't share things with her any more. She says she had me as a loving daughter until I was 56 (unsaid, "shame you're not loving now") Fortunately I am now resilient enough for this not to hurt me.
I can see that her relationship with me is vastly different and she's still where she was, which is obviously hard for her. But my own health means I can't meet her needs, and my attempt to meet those needs previously was a very unhealthy state of affairs. Until I did the "work" I was SO afraid that I would disintegrate when she died. I know losing her will be hell, but I will be OK.
My mum's speciality is a sort of niggly diggy prod. Not overt but little digs that I don't do whatever. I am not whatever. Why isn't it whatever. It's hard to explain, she just push push pushes for it to be what it was. I won't be drawn. I just broken record her, say life changes , remind her that my quiet life in the middle of nowhere is because that's my and my husband's choice. She then wails "But you used to be so full of life" The full of life she craves was actually part of my complex MH issues. She won't accept that I am well now I am much quieter and calmer. She wants the hypomania back because I was more fun.Tough tough stuff.

Goodness me what a powerful thread. I am an ex Golden Child and one of my sisters is the Scapegoat. The post by BIWI resonated more than anything I have ever read about narcs, and I am in the - "she's bad but she's not THAT bad" camp, like you OP.
I'm 5 years into my therapy (not just re mother ) My Scapegoat sister has just started hers.
I have (without knowing what it was called) gone grey rock. Mother hates it , hates it , hates it. But that is how it is now. I finally chose me, after 5 and a half decades of choosing her at my expense.
Interestingly enough , whilst mother knows I see a therapist weekly she now talks of my focussing on my "condition" in an attempt to make me stop seeing him. I had to be very firm at the beginning, because she asked me what we'd talked about every week, until I said "not up for discussion" I suspect she has made a wax effigy of him and sticks pins in it.
I pretty much know she doesn't like my DH any more, believing him to be partly responsible for the sea change.But she can bollocks because he will always always always come first.
I wish you well OP. I can't tell you how much I empathise with you.

BIWI interesting bit at the end of your long post there, my father had depression and he ''transposed'' his own low self-esteem on to me when I was growing up and I think in subtle roundabout ways I was rewarded for failure (ie, affectionate form of attention). My brother was the golden child and my father had v high hopes for him but identified more of his own failures, frustrations and depression on to me. He is still suggesting to me that I become a typist (I'm unemployed atm, he had fantasies that my brother would do a phd. I'm as clever as my brother in different ways so both ''aspirations'' are equally far off the mark).

My parents aren't toxic though. They are deeply flawed people who have never looked inwards, never had any growth, their own parents were all dead by the time I was 14 and they have no experience parenting adults.

I get through it by trying not to focus on persuading them that I have a right to think what I think or do what I do. I stop and ask myself, what power do they have to control my actions here, and if the answer is none then I just do what I was going to do anyway. It is really hard though. My mum sees me as an awkward, stroppy, disobedient rebel because I spent my youth fighting for my right to choose my own path. She dissuaded me from ever taking a risk, from choosing my own path and pushed all of her ideas on me. A decade ago (in my mid 30s) I was still a mess. A mess or a vacuum. Only getting through it now but they are not toxic.

I think you and your DH in particular just need to see your mum LESS. I mean, anyone can put up with anything if it's for say, 2 days every couple of months.this is how often I think most adults see their parents,especially if their DP isn't too keen. And ffs don't go on flippin holiday with her!!!

Good luck Op. I really hope your plan all goes well. Putting boundaries in place is going to be so important for you. It's ok to expect your DH to stand his own ground but you have to support him. You are the only one that can break the unhealthy relationship dynamics going on between your family and your mother.

op I hope it works out for you.

Grey rock would never have worked for me - my M lives locally so she would constantly ignore boundaries I tried to uphold and try to up the ante. But if your M lives a long way away it should be a bit easier.

The other is the "your DM, your problem" attitude, and the suggestions if the "boot was on the other foot" I would expect DH to do the fighting. The boot has been on the other foot, I had a big falling out with MIL, and dealt with it myself. DH wasn't going to touch that with a bargepole and I didn't expect him to! It was my battle.

He has told you how he is going to deal with it, you just don't like it.

Sounds like a good plan, Op

I really hope grey rock works for you - I'm sure it will help. Adopting an air of vagueness is quite helpful, as is frequent use of the phrases "Hmmm, let me check the calendar...I'll let you know" and "oops sorry Mum, someone at the door". ☺️