to be really sick of ASD being trotted out as an excuse?

My friend has a ds with autism. He's lovely.
Very well behaved most of the time. He's well mannered and kind. Often too kind.
Her dd though who isn't on the spectrum is a little bleeder

Parent of two children with autism both formally diagnosed.

It frustrates me to see threads where a child isn't behaving and parents have had enough and before you know it someone has trotted out the "they may have asd or ADHD". Yes some might but some might just suffer from lack of discipline and boundaries that aren't consistent. It really fucks me off as although anger can be common in kids with autism there is a reason. It's almost as if we're afraid to say so and so is a little shit. It's now because they have Sen.

Yes, it's oft used as an excuse for bad parenting. Even my friends with spectrum kids still discipline them when they are BU. It's occasionally pointless but at least to the onlookers looks like she's at least trying.

TheRealPooTroll Yup. My daughter may or may not have an ASD - nobody will assess her, because she is an absolute angel in school. However, her school actually listened to us when we described her struggles, including the morning when she refused to go to school and we realised how powerless we are if she decides she doesn't want to go. They made changes. Recommended she join a special nurture group. Since then, she hasn't refused to go, and we have had no screaming tantrums before school - we would have at least one a week before, and sometimes daily. Guess we got lucky with a school that didn't assume it knew our daughter better than us.

Back to the subject of the thread. If someone with asd is maybe being a little too honest and it is coming off as rude isn't it better that people consider asd as a possibility rather than just assuming the person is being a prick?
I agree that diagnosing on a forum is not right or even suggesting asd for twatty behaviour that has nothing to do with asd. But if someone is behaving in a way that COULD indicate asd I see no harm, and a lot of benefit, in thinking that it COULD be a sign of asd. Not that it necessarily is but that it's a possibility.

TheFirstMrsDV, you are totally right, some people think diagnoses are handed out like smarties and they arent, because of idiots like that people have to fight the system for years and years and years, meanwhile the child goes without the help they desprately need.

bialystockandbloom, thanks I had read it the wrong way, it hurt because I have a child on the spectrum who is violent and has lots of problems, Asd is what causes his behaviour, nothing else.

To give another view of 'Timmy's' parents Maisy it must be really frustrating for parents of children who manage to hold it together in school and are told their children are 'fine' when they know they're not.
My ds was diagnosed before school thankfully but has learned a lot of coping strategies and does well academically. His struggles are in the playground and often not seen by teachers as he tries not to get visibly upset because the other children tease him. But he has told me he has spent whole afternoons holding in tears in class and the staff have been none the wiser. They also don't see him at home begging me not to take him to school. I've no doubt if he was assessed at school now they would think he was 'fine'.

I opened this thread all ready for a rant after reading the title, but then I actually read the entire OP and I agree. I have ASD and I work harder than most people to try to social properly, because it doesn't come instinctively.

If a child is having regular meltdowns and someone suggests having them assessed for ASD then I don't see the problem with that but I do see the problem with puffed-up entitled men being diagnosed over the internet by those seeking an excuse for their shit behaviour to their wives. Misogyny is not ASD.

faith may I point out that I see NOTHING wrong with the tone of your post.

Plus, I agree with wrappers this is disabling 101 when You know the person in question is on the spectrum and therefore can have issues finding the 'right tone'.

So please don't feel you have to apologise for that.

I was in a bus queue with a parent and child. The child very clearly had severe sn, probably including asd. This didn't stop some arse in the queue making loud comments to the person next to them about "that child's disgusting behaviour"(child was making loud repetitive noises and had physical repetitive behaviours).
Even with behaviour that obvious people still don't get it.

Preparing to be flamed for this but it's the same with children.

It's almost as if some people refuse to believe that some children are just naughty and badly behaved due to poor discipline.

Before you can even suggest indulgent parenting or that they need harsher discipline you get a barrage of "it must be ADHD/ASD etc)

And I know not all parents do this but I know of at least a couple who have terribly behaved children that get no discipline and are constantly being let off the hook for naughty behaviour because the parents are too lazy to do anything about it and their excuse is "well I think he/she might have ADHD so what can we do?"

Urm how about trying out some discipline first before labelling your child?

What we absolutely shouldn't fail to point out to an OP with a diagnosis of ASD is that there is something off about their tone. Disablism 101.

I hear you OP, you've been really clear that you aren't discussing parents and their own children here. My DC has ASD and it's a reason for a great deal of challenging behaviour including not having a filter and being occasionally what other people would class as rude.

It still irks me that someone can post about a terribly rude person in the supermarket for instance and have people queueing up to tell them they shouldn't be cross because the person probably had ASD. It's usually on AIBU and it's usually a way of invalidating someones upset about an incident with a stranger, where there's obviously no benefit to either party in being "diagnosed" on MN.

That's very different from advising a family member or friend about the possibility of ASD.

It's not unknown for an ed psych who is particularly chummy with a shit senco to back the mainstream school. I've seen a child stitched up in this situation. It wasn't even a proper assessment. It's unfair and the person who suffers the most is the suicidal child.

Maisypops do you teach in mainstream or specialist?

MakeUpMyRoom
Yes and some people are so desperate for there to be 'something' that they become difficult to deal with.

Eg I've had parents demand we assess their child and having done all the internal bit our in school assessors have said they can't see enough to justify an external assessment (consider that's money we wouldn't be able to spend on a different chikd).
Home have been really uncooperative and demanded we treat the child in class the way you would someone with what the parents think the child has. They also told us theyd told the child how teachers should treat him because he has xyz.
Teachers internally say no (no evidence).
Parents get confrontational and start harassing the school. School decide this targeting of staff isn't fair so bring in a team of external assessors to observe the child etc. Educational psychologists find the child is NT.
Parents then calls me up saying the educational psychologist is wrong and it would be 'just their luck that they came into school on a day where they couldn't see it' and could we send for a reobservation? When the answer was no they offered to pay the school because "there is something wrong with timmy. Nobody else can see it but us".

Actually, Timmy was a lovely child who would behave for some staff and not others. With a consistent approach to behavior and a bit of encouragement he was absolutely fine.

Autism is not an excuse for bad behaviour but it does affect what constitutes bad behaviour.

It can be a mitigating factor so therefore can be an "excuse".

I often find myself doing a metaphorical eyeroll when hearing or reading 'suspected ASD / ADHD etc' as the suspicion usually comes from Dr Google or other, completely reliable sources.

TooGood2Be
I've seen a few. They claim to be offering other perspectives, but it's very clear that the accepted view is that there is an additional need. Anyone who says 'there may be a need, or the child may just need clear boundaries' gets shouted down with things like "oh I'm so glad you think my child's autism is because of my crap parenting" and that's not what's been suggested at all. All people are saying is that some challenging behaviour can be due to additional needs, but equally lack of boundaries, rewards and consistency cam lead to similar behaviours being displayed without an SEND need.

It's also evident in the armchair psychologists who talk about their child having ADHD, PDA and ASD without any official diagnosis other than stuff they've read online. Equally true for 'unofficial diagnosis'.
If a child is in the process of being assessed then say that. Don't claim they have an unofficial diagnosis. It doesn't exist.

I've seen it used quite often to minimise people's feelings too; dickhead husband - oh you shouldn't be annoyed, sounds like he's autistic to me. Repeat for family members, children bullying the OP's child, annoying colleagues and 101 other scenarios.

It is often trotted out tritely based on very little evidence, and IME it's rarely either the people with/parents of children with ASD who do it. When those posters suggest a possibility of autism it's generally done with far more tact and nuance.

Challenging behaviour is not the same as bad behaviour. It means behaviour that challenges the person working with the child.

I have literally never seen a single post where someone links immediately links bad behaviour with ASD. This post seems bizarre and a tad goady to me.