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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL not to bring children a present at every visit?

162 replies

ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 14:44

Visits 2-3 times a month. Present every time to the value of approx £10. DH says it is her right as a grandparent. I am worried LO's are being spoilt and expect gifts. My parents visit the same amount and only bring gifts on special occasions. (Last time my parent's came dd asked me (luckily they didn't hear) why they hadn't brought her anything). I don't wish to encourage greed in my children but dh doesn't want anything said for fear of his mum getting upset.

OP posts:
FioFio · 12/03/2007 16:20

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Hulababy · 12/03/2007 16:19

I can't see how you can say something to them without a high risk of offending them TBH.

Enid · 12/03/2007 16:19

Look. You cannot control what other people do. You can control your reaction to it or how you handle it with the dcs.

dunscared · 12/03/2007 16:19

I have the same problem with my mum. Everytime she sees them they get something, ususally cheap and tacky plastic toys from "the cheap shop!"
Have tried to discourage it as we see her every week and house filling up with tat, plus want the kids to look foward to seeing her and not just presents. She says they're her only grandkids and "it was only 43p!!" so now just have a clear out every few weeks when kids at nursery........ keeps the peace!

suejonez · 12/03/2007 16:18

I'm with you Cov - my mum spoils DS but its mostly small stuff from charity shops. Agree that its difficult to stop though.

nailpolish · 12/03/2007 16:17

i totally agree with you there comeoveneer

ScummyMummy · 12/03/2007 16:17

I think it's not unreasonable to mind because we are kind of programmed to find in-laws annoying even when they're being nice, I find, but it is definitely unreasonable to ask as they are just being (nice) grandparents and will be hurt. Plus, obv, your kids will hate you if the presents stop flowing because of you, especially if your own parents are no good at giving proper presents (aka plastic crap).

Enid · 12/03/2007 16:17

but it isnt your money!

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 16:16

Its not a cheap necklace that breaks after one day, it is a full dressing up outfit with shoes and accesorries or a remote controlled car. I just think that those sort of presents should be reserved for special occasions and for regular visits a little token is more appropriate. Do you not think £700 a year on 2 children (excluding what they buy them at christmas and birthdays) is not excessive?

OP posts:
nailpolish · 12/03/2007 16:13

ora comic that gets coloured in and cut up then dumped

cos the friggin tweenies comes out weekly doncha know

tbh id rahter have presents of tights or pants or vests as i grudge buying these things

nailpolish · 12/03/2007 16:12

yes id rather have tatt if its inundated

a cheap necklace that gets worn once then breaks
"oh well"

cos you know another one will appear next week anyway

Enid · 12/03/2007 16:10

kids LOVE frivolous toys and plastic tat

IMO

Enid · 12/03/2007 16:10

oh you've lost me now

cannot understand this obsession with no frivolous clothes and plastic tat

its not your money why on earth do you care?

Just keep the tat for a while until they are bored of it then chuck it out or give it away

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 16:07

It is never anything as sensible as clothes, it is always frivilous toys and plastic tat.

OP posts:
Enid · 12/03/2007 16:07

have you said anything light like "honestly Brian it is so good of you but you really dont have to buy things like this for them every time you come"

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 16:06

I don't want dh to tell them to stop, just tone it down. A chocolate bar or a magazine is fine but a new car or doll, or dressing up outfit every visit is excessive.

OP posts:
FioFio · 12/03/2007 16:06

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FioFio · 12/03/2007 16:04

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Enid · 12/03/2007 16:03

I completely agree with your DH on this

Enid · 12/03/2007 16:03

most grandparents do spoil their grandkids

I think its petty to tell them to stop - if I were them I would be offended and think you were being overly controlling!

It doesnt mean your children will expect gifts from everyone all the time

Tell you dd that your PILs bring presesnts more often than your parents. Kids quite often accept the bald truth I find. You can always big up the presents from your parents if you think they are getting a raw deal.

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 16:02

Blimey, I have worked out that they are spending over £700 a year on gifts and then buying christmas and birthday presents on top of this .

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 12/03/2007 16:01

yes, I agree with your DH, if it was my mother I wouldn't want to say anything tbh. I have tried to restrict the lavish madness of Christmas but to no avail and I think in the meantime I hurt MIL's feelings a bit which I wouldn't want.

harpsichordcarrier · 12/03/2007 15:59

god it's really difficult
I think you cna't really put a stop to it without causing bad feeling SORRY. and it obviously gives them both pleasure so I would need to have a really really good reason to stop it.
I have the same situation, but I do make a point of reminding dd1 that she shouldn't expect gifts every time and that it is spoilt behaviour to always expect something &c. being spoilt isn't about getting lots of stuff imo, it is about attitude and expectations and gratitude and manners and thinking about other people's feelings. It is certainly possible to be very rich in material things and NOT spoilt imo.
hard, though, you have my sympathies. I have the same thing re ILs and my mother.

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 12/03/2007 15:59

Trouble is DH doesn't want to say anything for fear of upsetting her. He thinks that there are some battles worth fighting and this isn't one of them. There is no point in me saying anything to her as it will just be seen as me having a go at her etc and cause an arguement.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 12/03/2007 15:57

My mother out-of-law gives my daughter (and her stepsons) lots of expensive presents - she loves buying my daughter very expensive clothes, which is just fine by me (and she doesn't mind if I change them for things I like better). My father out-of-law buys horrible large, cheap, plastic toys, which is much more of a problem in my view as I want my daughter to grow up to value beauty and toys like that won't form her taste.

My parents, in contrast, buy quite modest presents - mostly books, or home made dolls' clothes. But they do give my daughter wonderful holidays at their house (which has a huge and beautiful garden).

It's hard if grandparents give presents that are not consistent with the values you are trying to instil in your children. But I don't think there is much you can do about it, other than heap on huge praise when they get it right and stay quiet when they get it wrong, and hope they get the hint.

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