To ask MIL not to bring children a present at every visit?

This thread has bought a smile to my ips.

My MIL buys her DG's strange, weird and crap birthday and Christmas presents. example...candles for a 1 year old! She never gives anything when she visits. Or plastic stuff that falls apart as son as she has gone home.

They have an aunt however who buys lots of expensive clothes which I know as parents me and SIL appreciate for our children.

My DM on the other hand would always have some nice little surprise for my DD, whether it was a nice yoghurt, or 50p for her money box. Then again mum passed away when DD was 18mnths. But we also have lots of hand made stuff like a Peter Rabbit rug, shawls, and a sampler, not to mention art sets, book collections and a lifelike doll- for DD to grow into. So mum continues to spoil her from beyond.

CoV,

I had that with my MIL, especially with my PFB. I was even looking for the british kite marks to ensure that my dd would be safe to play with it. (Freaky mum alert)

I would always say "You shouldn't have" but I realised I was taking some of the joy out of Grandparenting - still I inwardly cringe when she brings me handknitted items which are full of dropped stitches and completely out of shape.

She also always brings the dog some treats as she says she lookat her funny if she doesn't! - She's a dog ffs

Hi CoV. I'm wondering if this has to do with the recent move away. Is this the control freaky MIL. Of course it must be (as I assume you have only one MIL). I sort of see your DH's point that some battles aren't worth fighting. But, I think there is more at play here. Probably her way of still being a special part of their lives buy buying them more than they get from other people.

However, I do see your point about it fostering materialistic expectations in your kids and totally understand that you might not like that quality to be encouraged in your children. Send them off with her for some quality time and enjoy the time to yourself. May wisk them off to her house for the next West London Meet up just in case your DH decides he'd like another jolly in New York. Speaking of which, have you made him suffer for the bit of husbandly negligence????

No you're not being unreasonable, COV. I'm in a similar situation with my M & FIL and the thing that gets to me is that we are now unable to but them any special presents as they don't appreciate them as being special. Both Mr Bubble and I have talked to them about it and they do stop buying for a while but then it gradually starts again and I end up with a car full of toys which haven't even made it into the house, such is the appreciation of them.

I think your idea of suggesting that they take them on a special outing instead is a good one.

You are not being unreasonable at all to ask them to stop bringing gifts.

Maybe ask yourself if fear of his mum getting upset (an emotion that is entirely within her own control btw!) is more important that you raising your own children with the values you choose.

I once read a really interesting book of the seven types of 'love' - and gifting/giving of presents was one of those ways that some people show their love. I think my mother does this - not in a purposefully extravagant way, but its unacceptable to me as i am trying to live a more simple life with my children and plastic 'stuff' doesnt really feature too highly!

Its been hard and uncomfortable for me to explain to her my choices, but i hope that even if she doesnt understand them, she will at least respect them. I hope you are able to resolve this the best way for you.

i'm with you on this one comeoveneer - my PIL spoil the dcs rotten. which although i don't have a problem with per se, i do when they start expecting stuff or saying things like "i will ask grandad to buy me that" "i expect granny has bought me that" the trouble is, when i tell the dcs they are not to go round asking for stuff like that, the PIL just say " of course they can ask granny and grandad for anything."

hence i occasionally have spoilt brats on my hands, but as someone wise further down said (can't remember who ), a few days on bread and water sorts them out

I think it boils down to: is this important enough for you to go out on a limb and be the bad guy, COV? Because, sure as eggs is eggs, if either you or dh (under duress or brought round to your opinion, makes no difference, ime) says anything, YOU (singular) will be the bad guy and offence will be be taken. (Otherwise dh would just say "oh ok" and talk to them. The fact that he's talking grandparental prerogatives means he knows they'd be mighty peeved if he said something and he doesn't want to go there, imo/e). So is this worth +++ family angst over, probably without dh's support? Some things are- is this something you feel strongly enough about? I do see what you and greensleeves and tamum are driving at with the expense levels and I do agree that it's a little different from cheap plastic tat. However, I'm pretty sure that in this situation I'd chicken out for the sake of keeping the peace and save my bad guy status for even more evil crimes to come...

I can see your point northerner. My two have a granny (dh's mum) who takes very little interest in them too, it's sad for them, and for her really. But I'd rather have her talk to them on the phone/write to them/come and see them than bombard them with expensive merchandise. It's more complex than just "loving grandparents and constant stream of expensive gifts" versus "no grandparents, or ones who don't care".

Cov - whisk it away before they unwrap and say "we'll open that later" then sell on ebay and use proceeds to come out on West London nights out. Sorted.

hillary, i think you can spoil them, actually. you can undo the damage, but they can start to be behave v badly if given too much, ime.

No I wouldn't mind more tbh.

I think it's really ungrateful when I hear of people moaning about stuff other people buy their kids. Some people genuinley enjoy giving.

My MIL is the opposite. Hardly evers sees my ds let alone brings him anything. I'd love to think of her out in town choosimg things for ds and being excited about giving them to him, but it's not gonna happen.

nanny

My mum always brings loads of pressents and she visits weekly! I think its their right to spoil the children (my mum spends about £60 a go!) I think little ones understand who gives them what although my sister spoils them rotten too she has no children so we share mine.

I don't think you can spoil a child as long as they appreciate what they have and know they cant always have everything.

My dd's have everything but if I tell them NO they totally respect that & my eldest is only 3.

also, CoV, be wary of discussing it in front of the DC, other wise they may do what my dd does, and quote how 'mummy doesnt like plastic toys/ nail varnish on children/ bratz/ original ribena/ barbies' or whatever nany may have recently given them....she's dropped me right in it a few times.

Not unreasonable.
You are entitled to express yourself
you need to do this with your MIL
(rather you than me)
I have the same happen but i don't really mind.....my dds know they'll get gifts and i think it's quiet nice (my parents buy tat galore, MIL buys posh presies)Thats what Gp do IMO.
I you are not happy with the situation let them know gently

But would you mind more northerner, if it was something as big and expensive as you would get for Christmas/birthday, every time she visited?

Everytime we see my mum she has gifts for ds, normally a decent toy, some cheap stuff from the pound shop and sweets.

He looks in her bag when she arrives

But, she loves seeing his little face and he of course loves it too.

She is his Grandma and if she gets pleasure from it then who am I to spoil it? She would be so upset if I asked her to stop.

In the grand schem of things I don't think it's a problem. And COV would come off as the bad guy imo.

I;m with your dh.

Message withdrawn

They were grannies on zimmers, weren't they? On the hall table because that's where we put stuff prior to it going to the charity shop. Present from their uncle, and there I really do draw the line. Still, he got me and dh a book about video games, so that redressed the balance (not)

Message withdrawn

actually, i think too many gifts can be very harmful. my dd1 had her 5th birthday on saturday, and her behaviour definately deteriorated in direct proportion to the amount off stuff she was given. she started off really acknowledging and grateful, taking time to lokk at each card....by the end she was wripping off the paper without caring who it was from (before i stopped her!)

she has behaved in a similar way on holiday. too many treats DEF maker her behave in a selfish, rude way. (but a few days on bread and water usually sorts her out again)

mine expesct food

But then, nobody actually said that, didthey?

I used it to illustrate how quickly children start to anticipate something if it happens regularly

fio
msn