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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to stop my ex heroin addict sibling from meeting my children

36 replies

Theboysmum16 · 07/01/2017 21:26

I have two children both toddlers and a sibling who is an ex heroin addict now on a methadone program. My family all disowned my sibling 4 years ago but now everyone is playing happy families again except me. The problem is my sibling is/was a compulsive liar, has had so many chances to change I've lost count, hasn't seen their own child for years, has stolen from my parents and other siblings. I haven't spoken to them for four year after my parents disowned them. I have shielded my children from any sort of violence/ drug abuse because my mum was in a violent relationship when I was a child and some of my first memories are of violence. I want to keep my children innocent and pure for as long as possible but my family think I'm being unreasonable as apparently my sibling has now 'proven' themselves by staying clean for a whole 3 month. I do admit to feeling guilty about this but probably because of the pressure they are putting on me. I don't want my children to meet them and get attatched then lose that person because they've relapsed. I'm so confused about what to do for the best I don't know if they are clean or not I only know what my family are telling me.

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 07/01/2017 21:34

I'd meet my sibling at a neutral venue, but I probably wouldn't take my kids along just yet - not because I think meeting their aunt/uncle will do them any harm, but just because I think it might add to the pressure as you start to rebuild your relationship. Three months is great, but it's not that long to be clean and it sounds like your sibling has other problems beyond the drug addiction. Get to know them again a bit first and then you can decide if you want them to meet your children.

BeanCalledPickle · 07/01/2017 21:34

Similar situation with my brother. He was clean, met them and relapsed. That Christmas Emmy eldest was asking for uncle Mark and I swore that wouldn't happen again. He got his shit together and then didn't ask to see them until he was confident he would be relapsing again, which was many months later.

I would wonder what their view is? Does she actually want to meet them? My brother had enough insight to not even ask. I saw him as I could handle it but he didn't want them to see him. What do they think?

There is certainly no automatic answer in circumstances like this. It's fact specific. Though most recovery programmes do encourage contact with family to repair damage done. I think of my brother as having been ill and of addiction as a sickness. He didn't chose to behave this way and if he works on his demons he can see my chikdren.

lougle · 07/01/2017 21:34

"Three months is nothing"

Au contraire. Three days is a massive victory and it doesn't help to underplay the huge effort that will have gone in to overcoming an addiction such as Heroin for 3 months.

PovertyPain · 07/01/2017 21:33

Far too soon. Your mother didn't shield you, but you can protect your dc. Just tell them it's too soon and refuse to discuss it further. If they try to push it, tell them you have to go, walk out, go to the toilet, give attention to the children, hang up, etc. If they keep bullying you, which it sounds like they're doing, then tell them YOU will decide what's best for YOUR children.

AlwaysYes · 07/01/2017 21:32

Follow your instincts. Hate to say it but the first few funerals that
I went to were due to Methadone overdoses. Hope your sibling comes through the treatment ok. Sounds like you are doing a fab job parenting.

lougle · 07/01/2017 21:31

3 months is a huge achievement and if you can manage a low key meeting in a public venue, I think that would be both safe and kind. Your children won't suffer from meeting someone who you introduce gently. You don't have to labour the auntie/uncle angle.

DeathStare · 07/01/2017 21:31

Three months is nothing. I wouldn't even consider it until they'd been at least 12 months clean and only if they were attending meetings.

Not all rehab programmes involve meetings. That's just one approach to addiction

KnittedBlanketHoles · 07/01/2017 21:30

Maybe wait until they've been clean a bit longer and then reassess?

It's always your choice but people who have support (but not enablement) from their families do better with recovery than those who get cut off.

DeathStare · 07/01/2017 21:30

I'd meet up with them a few times first before I even considered introducing them to the DC. That would give them chance to demonstrate that they had turned their life around before getting your DC involved

HecateAntaia · 07/01/2017 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrazyCatLaydee123 · 07/01/2017 21:28

Tell them you're open to a relationship when they've been clean for a year?