AIBU to stop my ex heroin addict sibling from meeting my children

FFS this was over 7 years ago

Why does sibling need to be around your tiny kids when they don’t even see their own child?

I would absolutely keep them away.

Mr brother was a heroin addict … did all the stuff you would expect, thieving, lying etc. Went on for years, he was involved in petty crime allsorts.

However, he went to residential rehab, and had a couple of relapses early on, but has been clean a good 15 years now.

I never cut him off it disowned him, none of the family did. We didn’t leave any valuables around for years though.

He’s my brother, I love him, and he got himself into a mess. We got him through it, and now have a great relationship.

Addiction is hard, but people do get through it, and relationships can be fixed with time.

3 months is massive for a recovering addict, but not for their family.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and no bloody way would I have anyone round my children who are in early recovery.

This is a conundrum isn’t it.

They say smoking is harder to give up than heroin, I’ve known (not many) but a couple of people got drunk at a party, had a fag and that time was gone. You are always a puff away from a pack a day apparently. For me, it was a few months, but I saved the money I spent on smoking I was honest with myself and it made me feel sick.

I would explain that although three months is a wonderful accomplishment, and many congratulations, I don’t feel comfortable allowing such a charming person(most addicts I’ve met are very witty/funny/humourous) into my young children’s life, as I don’t want them hurt.

It would be a No from me re meeting my children, especially as you say they are only toddlers. I would meet with sibling alone & encourage them. My response would be along the lines of

• I'm going to let sibling focus on their recovery & building relationships with our parents & their child before introducing my children.

But his choices led him to become an addict. Had he chosen not to take drugs, he wouldn't have bevome an addict to start with. It is his fault.

Yes say you'll consider a relationship after 12months clean. It may be the incentive they need to keep going.

ClopySow,

Theboysmum I am so sorry, this sounds exhausting and unpleasant, especially if your family are putting pressure on you.

"My family all disowned my sibling 4 years ago but now everyone is playing happy families again except me." Let the family do as they will, you choose if you want to see him, or let him see your kids. YOUR CALL.

"I have shielded my children from any sort of violence/ drug abuse because my mum was in a violent relationship when I was a child and some of my first memories are of violence. I want to keep my children innocent and pure for as long as possible but my family think I'm being unreasonable as apparently my sibling has now 'proven' themselves by staying clean for a whole 3 month."

You are not being unreasonable THEY are being unreasonable in questioning your own choices of who you want to associate with and who your kids should have contact with.

"I do admit to feeling guilty about this but probably because of the pressure they are putting on me." You need to stop feeling guilty, you are guilty of nothing. Is your mum, who allowed you to be exposed to violence also putting pressure on you? Maybe a few home truths that you do remember your early experiences that she allowed you to be exposed to! If she is not in the group putting pressure on you, maybe she could be an ally?

"I don't want my children to meet them and get attatched then lose that person because they've relapsed. " Very sensible.

"I'm so confused about what to do for the best I don't know if they are clean or not I only know what my family are telling me." I think deep down you are not confused you know deep down whether they have been clean for three months, or not, that actually you do not want your kids to have contact with your sibling, whether you do is up to you. If your family were not pressurizing you I feel quite sure you would know exactly what to do.

You can support your brother without giving him access to your kids, you know that.

Ginkypig I second that you certtainly "...don't sound like a snob."

My brother had addiction issues for 20 years. He got clean and stayed clean until he died of cancer 6 years later. My mum found some stuff he'd written during recovery where he said he knew he might never get to have a proper relationship with us all again after everything we'd all gone through and he knew he might never fully gain our trust. That is the harsh truth about addiction and he knew and accepted that, because he was ready to recover and accepted the damage that had been done. He was right. We didn't trust him and having a relationship with him was difficult as his emotional growth stopped as a teenager when he started using.

I have one photo of my brother with my children. He's fucking wasted in it. I feel angry with myself that i let him be around them in that state. I hate that photo, but it's the only one i have of them together, so i keep it.

It's hard isn't it because the person I remember and always thought one day would come back might not actually be there anymore! I long for that person sometimes.
This.

I see no reason your children need to have a relationship with your sibling.

You can see your sibling, but I agree, children aren't a 'reward'. 3 months is impressive, but not unheard of to relapse at this point.

Your responsibility isn't to your sibling but to your DC. If you don't feel comfortable in them having a relationship with your sibling, then don't be bullied in to it.

It's fine to put your children (and yourself) first. Your sibling may stay clean, or may not; it's good if s/he has the support of the rest of the family but there is no obligation on you to be involved. If the sibling stays clean and you feel you want to make some steps to restore the relationship, it would be fine to meet the person without taking your children along and see how things go.
Don't know how old your kids are but there may be a need to talk to them about the sibling in an age-appropriate way, especially if other family members are going to mentiion the person (keeping things a total secret from children is a bad idea).

Thanks captain

What youv said in your posts sounds very similar to my sibling

It's hard isn't it because the person I remember and always thought one day would come back might not actually be there anymore! I long for that person sometimes.

I can't say I don't love her but it causes huge anxiety being around her it takes energy I just (sometimes) don't have to give.

3 months is a huge achievement, but too soon for your kids IMO. I've been to too many funerals for dear friends who had been clean for a year. However i think it would be good for you to meet her.

Ginkypig you don't sound like a snob. Being around a person who has an addiction is tiring.

Along with the addiction, my brother is aggressive and lies about everything even things he doesn't need to lie about and has nothing to do with getting drugs. I often dream of having my brother back, but he's been this sort of person a lot longer than the person I remember when we are kids that I wonder whether his personality is all down to the drugs or whether this is just who he is.

I did this, I cut my drug taking and drug dealing brother out, he met my daughter once when she was a few weeks old and I knew he'd just keep bringing trouble to my door and I never wanted her to see what I saw, never to witness it.

So that was the only and last time he met her and I've personally seen him once since. I don't regret it for a moment, and she's nineteen now.

My overwhelming instinct was to protect her , so I did.

3 months may seem like an eternity for your sibling but for you it's not.

I know where you are coming from I have an addict sibling who is such a liar I'm never sure whether I'm coming or going with him. At this moment in time i'm not in contact with him though other relatives are, he's been giving them the whole I'm clean story but last time he did that he was still taking drugs he just became better at hiding it. I'm not sure I believe him, I don't know if I ever will.

One of my other siblings had him staying at his house one time while he was 'clean', they went out for the evening and left him at the house and when they came back the whole house was upside down. He'd gone searching for money.

You have to do what's right for you. I understand addiction is an illness but it affects everyone in the family. Maybe meet up in a few months time just by yourself and rebuild your relationship (if your sibling is still clean) before you introduce them.

As a sibling of a heroin (and other things) addict I would say you need to listen to what your brain is telling you (whatever that is) 3 months is amazing but in my experience it's still very very early days.

I am low contact with my sibling because of the behaviours that go along with the addiction not the addiction itself.

My sibling still is very much not ok really despite being (mostly apart from some slips) clean for a good while now. I know when I see her it is hard work because the life she has and to an extent still is living and the people she hangs around with or the boyfriends she chooses has made changes in her personality (in my opinion) so lying, wanting to borrowing money or other things, loud foul language in public, rudeness to me or even strangers in the street (if for example they are in her way) or security guards in shops (what the fuck are you looking at) is common. Not so much stealing from me now but yes in the past. Also shoplifting while Were together and me finding out as we leave the shop. it sounds like I'm being a snob but I promise I'm not, it's hard to describe some of the behaviours without seeing them

I love my sibling very very much but I made the very important decision to not be treated like crap or manipulated anymore so until we can have a relationship where that doesn't happen I have to keep boundries in place to keep myself safe!

You can choose in the beginning to have a personal trial before thinking about introducing the kids.

3 months might be a huge victory for the addict, but that doesn't mean the OP had to allow this sibling back into her and her children's lives. Two completely separate issues.

OP: it is absolutely fine for you to decide that this is not ok for you and your children. You aren't telling the rest of your family what to do, but they need to understand that you are responsible for keeping your children safe and that comes first.

How would this meeting benefit your kids? It wouldn't. I'd give it a year too.

Noooo way too soon. 12 months maybe but 3?? No chance.
Your dc,s don't need to be exposed to this.
I hope your sibling gets their life together.

It's an achievement but not worth introducing your kids over the relapse rate is awful

If you didn't have kids would you want any contact for yourself?
You are entitled to protect your kids from whomever you choose. Being a relative doesn't give them rights to your kids.