To think there is very little I can do to make DD1 attend detention when she is at school and I am at home?

Well, I don't see the point in sugar coating it, sorry. The OP has my sympathy because her situation sounds difficult, but the bottom line is it sounds like the school are trying to help her daughter and can't, because she is making poor choices, and the OP is being expected to exert some control as a parent. If she can't, that is an additional problem, but it isn't the fault of the school. Her daughter is her responsibility first and foremost.

OP my DD is exactly the same and I have been fighting hard to keep her in school for 2 years now. She has no end of input from services but just isn't interested . She has however started medication for ADHD and touch wood , touch wood has had a week free of major incidents. Like your DD she has a big temper and is very impulsive, she struggles academically due to the issues with memory and concentration. It makes me sick with worry whenever my phone rings during school hours, and I have the same issue with trying to manage her when she's in school, They call me and says she's ran off site can you get her back etc. They used the threat that I'd be joining her in school, weirdly she was over the moon about it! I have no real advice but really push with CAMHS, DD has been seeing them for 3 years and they have been incredibly supportive and have observed DD in school and fed back to staff on ways forward.

She IS a problem child

Really nice to read that comment in response to a parent reaching out for advice and support on a parenting forum, from someone who doesn't even know the girl.
The OP wasn't seeming to me to be objecting to being informed but objecting to the school expecting her to control her child while said child was actually at school.
Probably the same parents / school teachers who told me there is no such thing as ADHD, just badly behaved children and it's all the parents fault.
If your own children are perfectly behaved angels consider yourself fortunate, and feel free to give yourself a gold star, but try and show a little compassion to parents (and there are a lot of us on here) who are struggling to do the best for their child with very little support.

Why have the consequences at home for school misbehaviour not had an effect? You say sanctions for home behaviour work most of the time - so clearly you have a system of punishment and reward that works for out of school behaviour - so why doesn't it work for in school behaviour?

The school are applying in their policy for her behaviour in school - you can't blame them for it. They are telling you so that you can work in conjunction with them, DD needs to learn that behaviour like you described in school cannot be left at the school gates, you need to reinforce sanctions at home as a result of that behaviour.

What is going on at school that leads to such behaviour, throwing a table (maliciously? Or a joking shove with her friends that got pounced on because of pat behaviour?) is pretty extreme and behaviour like that is going to cause long term issues.

She IS a problem child. I'm sure there are reasons, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't apply their policies or keep the OP informed. Options are limited when you are dealing with a child who chucks tables and swears at people. What do you expect them to do?

They are failing her because they are not looking at the causes for the behaviour and trying to help her learn to manage. They are treating her as a problem child and excluding her. She needs help that can only be accessed with support from the school and it seems very much like they aren't doing that.

In the nicest possible way, the sanctions they are putting in place are how they are trying to sort it out - you are ultimately responsible for her, so they are informing you of the action they will have to take if she doesn't co-operate. It is your daughter who is causing the problem, not the school by informing you about her behaviour.

True, but the school still has to keep you informed, don't they? She is a minor. There is no-one else.

Am not sure how the school can be considered to be failing her - she is making bad choices and the school is implementing the policy that allows them to help the children who usually make better ones. What more can be expected?

I have been through the same thing with my eldest daughter. She eventually left school with one GCSE despite being very clever. Her entire high school experience was a total nightmare, she truanted, stole, lied, manipulated, and lied some more. Yet she was a perfect example of a beautiful little girl in primary school. We did suddenly find out why she was in such a state after she made a disclosure in school one day and then we found out she was going to kill herself. School had failed her terribly, horrendously even, by failing to communicate between departments. They have now changed protocol. You need a sit down with the head teacher, hear tutor, head of year and any chaplain/counsellor. Get them all together and hammer out who is responsible for what etc.

Anyway, You need to get help for your daughter. Her behaviour is a symptom of a bigger problem. She very likely has low self esteem and is feeling incredibly isolated. I moved as a teen and went through very similar trying to carve my space out amongst a new peer group.

As for help, I know that's easy for me to say but unless you know what to ask for , you will be fobbed off constantly. You can get school to offer counseling, sort out a referal to CAMHS and dont ask, TELL them you want a qualified psychotherapist involved. You can also get one privately for between £60 and 120 an hour (!). You need to change her behaviour patterns and CBT delivered by a nvq level 3 is not going to cut it. Try to reach an agreement where you are involved ( to an extent) with her treatment/counselling so you can make sure its going ok and work to move forwards.

You can also ask your local youth service for details of any teen groups and sometimes they do groups specifically for these sort of issues. I think it would be good for you to look into NCS/youth service next year. You can register now and its fab at boosting confidence and helping kids to make friends. My two loved it.

I know its very hard now but it will get better. My daughter is now 18, got an A when she redid her English gcse, passed her beauty NVQ and is now doing a level 3 and has a part time job. But her issues left us with 5 years of absolute misery, left her moving out with her dad and almost cost me my marriage too. But she came around with a lot of help. I hope yours does too.

I bought my daughter a self esteem work book from amazon, it has a picture of a parrot on the front and it has helped her greatly. It was around £12 and it really helped her to think about how she sees herself.

Skipping lessons isn't down to you. You get her to school they should monitor her around the school. No real advise as I've not had this problem but my twins aren't 14 yet. Just wanted to say you're doing great and I hope you and she get the help you need.

I'm assuming you mean no more internet from tonight not just for tonight ? Mine get longer internet restrictions for much minor misdemeanours. For bunking school and then detention it would be at least a month.

If she bans her dd from the internet for a month, then what does she do if dd acts up tomorrow? By half term she'll be banned until she's 53!

And if she's skipping lessons ask them how they are going to make sure she goes from one room to the next like you make sure she gets to school.

It sounds like you are doing your parenting role well - but you can't enforce what goes on in school.

Sounds stressful and I really empathise as I have a child with ASD.

Perhaps put the ball back in the schools court.
"I talk to her and give her sanctions at home but how would you like to me ensure she attends the detention straight after school when she is at school?"

See what they say.

I had similar problems with my son now aged 17 he has ADHD, we had terrible problems at home as well as at school. His primary school was awful and excluded him for the slightest thing, 5 times in one year, which only made our home life even harder. We did have professionals involved such as educational psychologists, guidance teachers etc but the school looked to us to enforce timekeeping and attending detentions in a way that we could just not achieve.
At secondary school it was so much easier, after many many meetings the school agreed to enforce school related issues such as attendance, timekeeping, disappearing at lunchtime, homework etc and they were responsible for setting sanctions for these issues. In my experience schools would not be welcoming parents just turning up and frog marching their child from one classroom to another. We had a wonderful guidance teacher and deputy head as contacts and I cannot praise them enough.
As a result of the agreement my son was never excluded from secondary school at all. If your DD's school won't help, you may have to consider a move of schools?
We were then able to focus on dealing with the extreme behaviour at home. It was not easy but we survived.
I second getting children who struggle at school involved in out of school activities esp something where a little discipline is required like martial arts, gymnastics, scouts/ guides or one of the cadet forces. Best if it is an activity that other kids from her school don't attend so that she is not prejudged and can truly be herself, and not the troublesome girl label the school puts on her.

I always recommend the Nurtured Heart method, sounds like she's an intense and challenging person, so it would probably work really well with her (after an inevitable push back). It's a method used in schools but parents can use it too, especially for particularly 'challenging' kids.

Have you tried 'love bombing' as a solution for her? It's supposed to be good where punishment isn't working. Good book on this:

www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Bombing-Childs-Emotional-Thermostat/dp/1780491379

OP.

I agree with Take a moment to praise her for handling the detention maturely today, tell her it really helps to start rebuilding your trust in her. She needs to learn that she'll get a positive response from you when she makes the right decisions

I agree with harderandharder2breathe about somewhere she can go where other adults take an interest and she could do stuff she enjoys.

Who would be 14 again - it is tough. It is tough parenting too.

Praise is good - and you have probably tried rewarding good behaviour as it happens. How about something longer term- to 'save up' for? Something she really wants to have or to do that she can earn by cutting down on the negative messages sent home? At 14 she is likely to be able to wait for a really special reward.

(A plan for this would need to allow her some wriggle-room as it looks as if she is likely to fall down on occasions)

Oh and good she went to the detention!

Personally I think banning the Internet won't make one bit of difference, no matter for how long.