To find getting older so incredibly sad

The best i ever looked was aged around 38, at age 36 I suddenly became a dedicated gym bunny and got into low-carbing and got so toned and slim, fortunately for me I hadn't started ageing facially at that age and only had the odd grey so I looked really great and loved being like that.

Two years later I lost both parents and it was found at the same time my dd had a condition which would affect her health forever. I started eating crap and lost interest in exercise as these issues took over my priorities.

Now I am 46, not fat but not super slim and I show a few signs of age on my face and I have greys and need my roots doing or look like crap but I still know that if i put more effort in I could reverse a lot of it but I'm really not so bothered, it's like I always feel I have bigger fish to fry than how I look and I just want a peaceful life.

I have no real message or insights on this, I haven't thought about it much, just telling my story on body image and ageing and how life put it in perspective for me I guess.

Well, as others have said, getting older/old is better than the alternative (to a point, mind….)

OP, I think what you are feeling is the sudden realisation of your own mortality and of those you love - our time is limited and should be valued.
I think we are unlucky to be living in a society in which youth is highly valued and age is not - really strange IMO.

I have never had an issue with the age I was/am, but I would like my tummy skin to be tauter now that I've lost some weight - that would not have been a problem in my 20s/before DCs…

My gran was 101 when she died and the last 5 years of her life were really not worth living - I'm sure she would have preferred less time and more quality of life

I value who I am in my middle-age (about to turn 50): I know myself so much better, I value myself, I am well established and experienced in my job, I look good/healthy/strong and my wrinkles are mainly laughter lines. There is some shit in my private life that I know I will get through alright when it would have been The End Of The World As We Know It when I was younger, so getting older and wiser and generally better at life is a Very Good Think IMO and IME.

I felt stressed and tired when my children were young but it didn't occur to me to describe myself as old

I agree with Fanjo. There is shocking ageism all over mumsnet but I didn't find the op offensive at all.

I'll be 60 this year and it's making me quite reflective about life and death and I'm wondering whether I'll have time to do all the things I still want to do. I'm sure some 80 year olds would laugh and tell me to get a grip but it doesn't make my feelings any less real.

Unless your child sleeps less as they get older..

I think we are all in agreement. When you have small children and are exhausted from work and sleepless nights you feel old and tired.When you are older, getting sleep and financially secure as most of us earn more the older we get in our careers, then you feel less tired,.

It probably is offensive to other people, but a person is quite entitled to define for themselves the age at which they as an individual feel old.

I think it does show a lack of empathy to moan about aging to an audience who quite probably will contain a lot of people at least twenty years older than you.

Like a slender woman telling everyone she's so fat and got to lose weight.

Nevertheless, I do sympathise with the OP. Life is hard!

"I think some people on MN have a real problem with empathy. Because they are older than 35 and would love to be 35 they can't for a moment understand that the OPS feelings are real and valid."

It's a bit like a person who is a size 14 asking about the best way to lose weight and some size 22 people coming along saying she's skinny and shouldn't lose weight.

Lillian She does have children. I think they are very young, and I defy anyone who has young children not to feel old and decrepit.

At 35 I didn't have children, and I was doing well careerwise. I was also getting a full night's sleep, had good health and was pretty active, so I didn't feel old at all.

I still think it is rather sad, and potentially offensive to many people to genuinely think you are old at 35.

"I can understand how at that age you might start to feel you've missed the boat as everyone around gets older if you don't have kids and you feel time ticking away."

I thought she did have kids, but anyway, I think you're right. I've come to terms with the fact that I won't have kids, but I think it does make ageing harder. I don't have a career or money either, so I'm just the same as when I was younger only look worse, more health niggles and am running out of time to change things. Many of those who've said they like getting older have said it's because they have more money. They should consider that it doesn't happen to everyone.

And surely if someone is feeling old reminding them they could die young won't exactly help?

I didn't say everyone over 35 did.

But I suspect the people berating the OP for only being 35 and feeling like that would.

I'm not sure how you can talk about your ever looming mortality but not talk about death. I think it's most appropriate for this thread to be reminded of the alternative. And by the way, not everyone over 35, wishes to be 35 again. [smile.]

I'm not sure (and she's long since disappeared so we can't ask her) but I don't think the OP has kids - which I think puts a slightly different perspective on things. I can understand how at that age you might start to feel you've missed the boat as everyone around gets older if you don't have kids and you feel time ticking away. The greatest consolation to me when my own dad died this summer was my own two DC - it was only once I had kids I could begin to bear the thought of my parents dying. My dad dying made me realise for the first time that having kids of your own is not just about the joy of having a baby, but about life going on after you. To the poster who lost her baby.

Excellent post fanjo.
and to reiterate, it's not about looks for me
It's about loss of youth and the feeling that life is going by too fast. Of course the alternative is worse. But if we only ever posted on mn when there are not worse situations than the one we're in , mn would be tiny

I also think mentioning people who died is a bit unnecessary..obviously I feel for people's losses but the OP shouldn't feel guilty for having her real and valid feelings.

I also agree with Mathanxiety''s posts.

I think some people on MN have a real problem with empathy. Because they are older than 35 and would love to be 35 they can't for a moment understand that the OPS feelings are real and valid.

I am nearly 44..the oldest I have ever felt was when I was 27. It was a real and depressing feeling. I'd love to be 27 now but that doesn't make what I felt back them not valid.

I'm sure some people would love to be 44. It's all relative.

OP it does get easier to personally accept aging..but it gets harder as your parents get a lot older, obviously

And you can feel sad, if that is the way it is for you, even incredibly sad.

You are looking at ever-narrowing options at 35, with most of the possibilities you felt you had at 25 already foreclosed, and that can be sobering. You are perhaps tied to a mortgage and your better half is losing his hair, and you are spending most of your waking hours chasing your own tail, which may be a far cry from how you saw life a decade previously.

Multishirking (love your username) you don't have to particularly value your looks before you start to see wrinkles, etc appearing and to experience the shock of finding yourself in a different category of woman.

I think sometimes women who are sure they are relevant, valued for the entirety of who they are and not just their bodies, and convinced that they will always get the sort of attention they are used to find it a huge shock when they begin to show signs of ageing and realise how little attention was really being paid to their intellect.

You get a clearer view of the patriarchy in all its glory in your mid thirties and it can come as a shock.

Dexterjamesmummy So very sad to read that, it's I think one of the worst things that can happen and its very difficult to cope with. I knew a girl who had that happedn she never really got over it:-(

"But it's exactly the same for every one of us"

Well, no, some people age better than others.

I am 35 and I love it! I am in the best shape of my life after losing a significant amount of weight last year, my ds is a teenager and I feel like I have my life back. I don't feel old at all.