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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to do nothing about this BULLYING incident?

58 replies

RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 11:31

dd is nearly 14.
yesterday at school a boy told a group of very intimidating, notorious girls that dd had been 'bitching' about them. dd is terrified of these girls. they spend most of their time in detention and are into all sorts of risky behaviours. they parade round the school in a pack, giving everyone filthy looks. anyway, you get the picture- every comp has a group like this, i imagine.

anyway, one of the girls cornered dd in the toilets and slammed the door in her face. dd calmly denied the accusation and walked away.

at lunch, the whole group pursued dd and she was surrounded by many, many onlookers in what sounded like a lynch mob. the language and level of intimidation sound horrendous. somehow dd remained calm and composed and stated her innocence in a civil, articulate manner. then said she was walking away. eventually, a few people in the crowd who had been with dd in class when the supposed bitching occurred came forward and said it was untrue. it sounds like the tide turned on the nasty girls and gradually they realised that they have have been misinformed. unlikely as it sounds, dd then got a grudging apology.

for the rest of the day people were coming up to dd, some older who she doesn't even know, congratulating her on her handling of the situation.

dd seemed weirdly calm reporting this to me, as was buoyed up by the support she got.

this morning we were discussing it in front of dh, who was at that point not aware of the events of yesterday. dd had a real melt down, sobbing her heart out at the thought of dh reporting it to the school. we had to promise we would do nothing without talking to dd first, and agreed to treat this as a one off, as there was a 'good' outcome for dd.

AIBU or foolish to not report this to the school and respond to any future incidents/ fall out as it occurs? is is ever the right thing not to act with bullying like this? dd seems terrified and i don't blame her. i would be scared of these girls too.

finally, a related question...how 'normal' do you think this is for a secondary? should i questioning the culture at school where this can happen? (we are new around here and questioning school choice)

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Katastrophe13 · 17/12/2015 12:38

I cross posted with Betty, but that sounds like very good advice.

Katastrophe13 · 17/12/2015 12:37

Bullying and intimidation like this was rife at my school, but it was notoriously bad, so not sure if that is normal.
Your daughter handled the situation brilliantly. She has stood up for herself and they have backed down. I very much doubt this will happen again, now that she has made a stand. if I were you, I would leave it now and see if anything else happens and then contact the school. Were you to contact them and they took action, your DD would then be a grass and this would much more likely cause her problems. You could contact the school and ask them to just keep an eye, but take no action, but only if your DD is happy with this, as it already sounds like she is really stressed. it's hard to not do anything and it feels wrong, but sadly I think doing nothing in this case is in her best interests. On a positive note, she has learnt early on the best way to defend herself and i hope she takes this lesson through life with her because she is sure to grow into a confident young woman :)

Unreasonablebetty · 17/12/2015 12:34

I've not read the whole thread so this may have been said a few times over, just keep a written note of what happened, the date etc. don't take it any further at the moment though, because it sounds like your DD held her own wonderfully.
Now she's stood up to them and told them her side, they believe her and this boys proved himself to be a shit stirrer, they aren't going to see her as a target and it's quite unlikely that she will have any problems again, but keep the details of the first time, just in case it does happen you have some kind of documentation to show that this isnt a one off.
Having exact dates and details is much better than vague details.

Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 12:29

badtime, i remember another poster saying that in adulthood they too had developed a way to squash that kind of behaviour and were able to reverse how people used to interact with them.

my dd is not an obvious target for a bully. i think they saw her as a possible threat/ fair game as she is vivacious, bright, pretty. almost testing her in some way. plus she is 'new'. she is not a wall flower type. she is kind, very mature but has a big personality.

indrid, another...more good advise, thanks.

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Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 12:24

yes, auntie, i didn't mean to minimise low level stuff, what i meant was that i felt a one off incident could still be a bullying incident, because of the intimidation. i was just querying how sustained it had to be.

dd is furious with this boy. and rightly so. but he will get off scot free. what more can we do? she says she will deal with him in her own way. as i say, she can be feisty but these girls are just on a whole different level!

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IndridCold · 17/12/2015 12:24

No, you should not break your promise to your DD.

However, I would keep a record of the events, and if there is a repetition of events you will have all relevant information to hand. It wouldn't surprise me if your DDs cool-headed reaction means that there will be no need. It's interesting how often bullies will back down when people stand up to them, so fingers crossed.

Well done your DD!

badtime · 17/12/2015 12:21

I just mean that I was bullied a lot at school, so I recognise it immediately, and have an absolute zero tolerance approach when I see the first probings (e.g. comments that could be taken more that one way where someone is 'only joking' or it's 'just banter' Hmm ).
The bully moves on, and looks for someone else, or possibly has a long hard look at themselves. Hopefully, the girl who apologised to your daughter will do the latter.

Anotherusername1 · 17/12/2015 12:20

I think the key point in this story is this:

a few people in the crowd who had been with dd in class when the supposed bitching occurred came forward and said it was untrue.

If they had not, if they'd just gone along with the bullying, there would have been a much bigger problem.

I would make sure you have logged the incident personally, and watch out for future incidents. If you have promised your daughter you won't tell the school, (a) you can break your promise, (b) not tell, or (c) try to persuade her that it's a good idea to tell them after all. I'd go with (b) but keep an eye on things.

AuntieStella · 17/12/2015 12:17

Parsnip Personally, I'd call a single incident a single incident. And repeated incidences of low level nastiness are just as much bullying as higher level intimidation.

And diddl is right to highlight the role of the boy in all this.

Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 12:17

thanks badtime, I'm intrigued! care to share?

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badtime · 17/12/2015 12:16

Roasted, IME (as someone who looks like like a really easy victim but isn't), most bullies won't take the risk of losing face a second time. If they do, then report it.

Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 12:15

pepper, i cannot break my promise to dd, although i agree with what you say in essence. i would contact the school knowing dd wouldn't approve, but not if id specifically promised not to.

i think i will await further info. dd said a similar thing happened to another girl. if i hear of one more incident i might even contact the school anonymously 9not sure how, though). these girls spend most of their time in isolation so I'm pretty sure the school have got the measure of them, in many respects.

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Pepperpot99 · 17/12/2015 12:10

I agree with Partridgefairy - your dd was ace Grin and has handled the situation bravely and maturely. I would inform the school though, being careful to let them know your dd does NOT want any action taken.

I know you feel conflicted , OP, but sometimes we have to tell white lies in order to take care of the bigger picture. As another poster said, the school is probably aware of these horrible girls and their pack mentality, and therefore it will be useful for the school to know about this incident. It also means they can keep a discreet eye on your dd to make sure no similar incidents occur.

I have emailed my dd's school about things when I have promised my dd I wouldn't do anything. It does make me feel a bit like a heel, but I justify it with the knowledge that parents and the school, on balance, know best Smile and can see the bigger picture.

Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 12:05

ratherbe, thank you. you don't think there'll be repercussions due to the loss of face?

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RatherBeRiding · 17/12/2015 12:03

Personally I wouldn't report it. She faced them down, they learned that she won't be intimidated, she now has a level of respect throughout the school. If it happens again, though, you might want to re-think.

Sadly yes this is not uncommon but your DD has handled it the right way - bullies only bully if they are allowed to bully - and she didn't allow it. Good on her - you must be very proud of her!

Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 11:59

thanks molly!

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Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 11:59

diddl, do you mean tell or not tell? bit confused :)

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Floggingmolly · 17/12/2015 11:58

God no, be guided be your dd on this one. She's dealt with it magnificently, all credit to her.

diddl · 17/12/2015 11:58

I can't think that it would be handy to have it on record with the school.

PLus the boy-what was his motive?

She dealt with it this time but it might not go so well another time.

Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 11:54

thanks auntie, i absolutely agree that she must trust us. hence making a promise to her. I'm just checking i wasn't misguided in making that promise.
when you say 'actual bullying', i'd always thought bullying was about the level of intimidation and power imbalance and not just the sustained nature of it. would you not call it a bullying incident, then?

laurie, i think that would have to be phase two.

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Spilose · 17/12/2015 11:52

It was normal but certainly not a daily occurrence and my school. I would leave it for now and well done to your DD.

Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 11:50

laurie, i have often thought she would make a good lawyer as she is very articulate and quick thinking in an argument. she don't swear. she isn't aggressive. she can have a very sharp tongue with dh and me at times, but i think words are her weapon of choice and thats just how she is wired. i might've expected her to cry, but she didn't feel afraid at the time, surprisingly. i think it was just so surreal for her.

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LaurieLemons · 17/12/2015 11:50

If you emailed/had a chat with pastoral care and just tell them to keep an eye out because they've been giving her a bit of trouble but state very clearly that your dd doesn't want action taken, I'm sure they will understand. Perhaps write the email together?

AuntieStella · 17/12/2015 11:48

I'd respect your DD's wishes.

She's dealt with it herself, and does not feel the need for further action.

Now if this one shitty incident does become actual bullying (by which I mean continued picking on) she may want/need help.

But will be far less likely to turn to you if she thinks you'll wade in, in ways that she actively does not want.

Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 11:47

thank you in the box :)
is this normal for a comp?? dh said it was like that at his school but i went to a boarding school which had plenty of bitchiness but none of this mob behaviour.

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