To ask for pregnancy anxiety / mental health survival stories?!

PS I don't think it is crazy to find pregnancy very scary. Its a miracle what the body does, and the baby is so precious. And you have NO control over it all which is scary in itself.

No wonder you feel anxious. I think most people get by through simply blocking out really thinking about it too deeply!

Well I had severe sickness with both of mine for the first 18 weeks or so . I was on cyclizine anti sickness meds and essentially lived off coke/fanta, boiled sweets and oatcakes. Couldnt have been further from a healthy diet ...

I wasn't that anxious but I was very depressed and down; I just wanted to hibernate and didn't want to do anything or see anyone. I couldn't have been further from "glowing"!

Once they were born it was fine, a kind of liberation. I LOVED the newborn phase (having felt so rubbish for most of the pregnancy!) whereas many people find that really hard.

They are 6 and 4 now. Both very tall, strapping, healthy and bright, and exceeding all expectations at school. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to realise that they really are mine!

Seeing as you are feeling tired and a bit crazy I will make an honest judgement for you - it's irrational fears.

Luck and people being luckier and fate and tempting it were my two main things I needed to work on with my OCD...

I had to learn to believe that there is no such thing as luck or fate in this context - there is just stuff that happens. If something good or bad happens, it doesn't make me lucky or unlucky and there is nothing I can do to control these things anyway so worrying about them will only perpetuate me feeling crappy and takes up too much space in my brain making me hyper-vigilant as I am constantly conscious of my worries.

For me, the underpinning worry was my perceived lack of control of the situation and luck / fate and the tempting of just came out of that. Relinquishing control is really hard to do but will help you feel so much better. Terrifying initially, but helpful.

Have you tried some Exposure Therapy? Could you do it with your current therapist for support? I thought about it like I was double daring myself to do stuff that I found uncomfortable and scary. Start small with the things that cause you the least stress and anxiety and work up.

Not sure if this would help you but to start with, I wouldn't talk to anyone about the pregnancy, even when I was showing as I was worried that talking about it would tempt fate. The first thing I did was challenge myself (with support from DH and my therapist) to talk about it with at least 3 people over the next week. I did it and of course, nothing went wrong. Because nothing was going to go wrong and talking to someone, or not, was not going to change that.

The more I did things, the better I felt - it was almost like breaking a spell...

I've followed your threads from the start, sleepless, and think about you a lot. I'm so glad you're nearing the end. For me, the moment of the birth was an utter relief, because it meant I wasn't pregnant anymore.

I had severe anxiety and depression literally from the moment I saw the result on the pregnancy test. This was a planned pregnancy, so it was a huge shock to feel like I had a switch flicked in my head, and I was no longer thinking or feeling the same way.

I remember sobbing on the floor every day. Feeling like I wanted to die. I was convinced I would be an awful, miserable mother. So this started...week 5, I think. Very very early. Half way through the pregnancy I started anti-depressants out of desperation, because I was suicidal. My daughter is 2 now and she is perfectly fine. The most sweet, loving, affectionate little girl. I adore her. She was not affected in any way by my horrific pregnancy.

You call a lot of the other posters amazing and strong. But I think you are amazing and strong. I know you probably don't feel like it right now. But you're still here, hanging on and posting, asking for help. You've come so so far.

This is going to sound a bit mad but I almost made the anxiety / OCD / depression into am external 'thing' rather than a part of me (it isn't a part of me / you incidentally) and got mad at it! I decided that I was a strong woman and about to be someone's mother and I wasn't going to be pushed around by anyone or anything, least of all this, and that I had to defend and protect my son from it. I tried to think of myself as a lioness defending her cub... Sounds crazy I know!

When I got or get an intrusive thought, I just identify it quickly as OCD now and think to myself "I am not listening to you - you have no power over me" and then I find something else to do to take my mind off it. It sounds simple I know but it was really hard and took a bit of practice but it worked for me and I am pretty good at it now most of the time!

In terms of the crying, I just cried and was upfront about it - most people will take a hormonal crying pregnant woman at face value and just give you some tissue / cake / sympathy. Even if you didn't have the challenges you have at the moment, you would still cry at the drop of a hat - that's just pregnancy.

In the end, it doesn't matter what other people think - if you need to cry, cry. You, your DH and your son are the most important people and none of them are going to benefit from you bottling everything up and plodding along feeling like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Have a good cry if you feel like it - it is not a sign of weakness - it's a sign of triumph - that you are battling through. You will probably feel loads better afterwards too for having a good cry, even if the relief is only temporary.

I also tried to think about lovely things to look forward to after the birth and the first couple of weeks of craziness. I think about Christmas day, with my son looking at the lights on the Christmas tree and the smell of the decorations and Christmas dinner cooking and me, DH and DS all snuggled up together warm on the sofa watching Christmas TV (The Wizard of Oz) and eating mince pies. If I have a down day or moment then I research things to buy like a stocking with his name on and a bauble for his first Christmas and think about him looking back on these things (he obviously won't remember the day!) when he is a man with a family of his own and feeling warm and happy about how much he was always loved.

I know at the moment the depression and anxiety feels all encompassing, like you are wading through treacle and never really seem to get anywhere but please believe me that it won't last forever - it's just a day. Just a moment in time. The anxiety isn't YOU, isn't a part of you and you won't have to deal with it forever. You are doing so well - keep fighting on like the warrior mama that you are!

Just remembered this. With DC2 I became utterly convinced that there was a problem as the pregnancy was so different.

Drs and midwives reassured me that every pregnancy and birth is different.

Birth and baby turned out normal.

I believe in trusting instincts and that they are often not a 'sixth sense' but clues that we haven't quite identified adding up to give us a 'sense' of something. So I do think its worth listening to these feelings. However, I was just not rational. These weren't a sixth sense/instinct - just fears.

What do you think yours are more likely to be, worst fears or intuition - honestly?

I was extremely anxious in early pregnancy. Convinced I would miscarry. Certain my worrying had harmed the baby. Which made me even more anxious and so the vicious cycle continued...

I mainly suffered in silence. When I alluded to what I was feeling people looked a bit blank.

Anyhow, straightforward labour, healthy baby, good weight. Now in Year 4.

Anxiety did step up after birth and I spent a lot of time in tears and generally not coping. I always feel upset when I think back to the 'intrusive thoughts' (I didn't know then they had a name) that I used to have in the early days.

I eventually spent some time talking to a MH nurse discussing the physical and mental symptoms I was experiencing. We also discussed coping strategies and CBT style techniques.

It was hugely helpful and even now I use those techniques if I'm feeling stressed/anxious.

Hi Sleepless I have commented on some of your other threads but have NCd since then... First of all I want to say that you are doing brilliantly well, even though it might not feel like it and that I think of you often, as I am sure other posters on these threads do.

I had prenatal anxiety and depression with my LO. I was shocked to fall pregnant when I did even though the baby was wanted and planned and I was terrified about being a mother. Was convinced I had harmed him by drinking before I knew I was pregnant, thought he could feel that I had been scared when I found out I was pregnant and that it would be my fault if I MCd due to my awful thoughts. I have OCD so intrusive thoughts went completely off the scale!

I was scared he wouldn't love me, that I wouldn't love him and that I had made a terrible mistake to think I was just like other women and deserved to have a baby. In my darkest times early on, I thought it would have been merciful for him if I would have MCd as then he wouldn't be stuck with someone like me for a mother. I felt selfish for getting pregnant and sorry for my husband and baby for being stuck with me rather than a normal person who was the wife and mother they deserved.

I kept trying to access help through my hospital and GP and couldn't get anything. In the end I had some CBT/ET for the OCD which was really helpful, although the thoughts never go away and it is an uphill struggle to get into new habits and deal with them.

In the end, I am convinced that I got through it out of sheer bloodymindedness rather than anything else! Once I started to feel my baby move, the instinct really kicked in and I became ferociously protective of him.

More stress was still to come though - I developed PE and had an EMCS - the diagnosis and tests period was awful and it was kind of a relief when they did the EMCS.

That's the bad stuff out of the way. Now the good stuff.

I went a bit mental in hospital so don't worry if you don't feel great while you are in there, wait until you get home. In fact, give it about 2 weeks as the first two weeks are completely bewildering! Although I remember it as wonderful even through the CS related shuffling and sleep deprivation as I was with my baby and we had been through so much together and were now finally a proper little family.

The first sound my son made as he entered this world was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life and I will never forget it. Nor will I forget seeing his little face for the first time and kissing his cheek - so soft it felt like silk.

I'll never forget holding him for the first time and waiting for that first rush of love to wash over me before realising it wouldn't happen as it had been there all along. Realising that he has always been a part of me and that now even though he is born, I still feel like we are one person!

I'll never forget the first time he opened his eyes and I felt like I was looking into the eyes of someone I had always known. How when he sleeps on my tummy I stroke his back and remember when I used to stroke my bump. He is perfect and healthy and lovely and hitting all developmental milestones and is a little grinning ball of cheekiness and I would go through everything I went through a million, billion times over for him.

You are nearly there Sleepless... Everything will be fine - your baby is fine and healthy and there will be a time when you will look back on this and see what a strong mother you are. Keep well.

Sleepless I am the same. I see signs everywhere that it won't end well the other day I was at my husband's friends house when the mentioned a lady in Turkey who lost her baby at 5 months pregnant then died herself from infection a short time later. All I could think was 'well I'm five months, why are they telling me this now? Is it a sign?' I went shopping and decided not to buy the baby clothes I picked up, that was a sign I knew something would go wrong. Then a woman predicted that I would have a girl next (she has form for getting it right) but I am having a boy, and to me I worry that that is a sign that I won't get to take this baby home. It is exhausting isn't it? The thing is, today we are pregnant. There is nothing we can do about tomorrow it is not in our control, so in someways it is pointless us stressing. Easier said than done. If you find the solution let me know!

Sorry I'm not spamming your thread, it's just a subject that is really close to my heart.

When I heard her, I sobbed And sobbed and sobbed. It was like all the anxiety and fear from the pregnancy melted away as I sobbed and a calm feeling came over me. There is every chance that the same thing will happen to you. I was nearly hospitalised during my pregnancy, so if there was a happy outcome for me, there is no reason why there can't be for you. Hold on op, you can get through this.

fluffy, I just wanted to let you know that week seven is notorious for dark feelings! Hang in there!

I'm quite surprised to be contributing on this thread but here I am. Nothing too serious but I have been anxious this pregnancy and it is is mainly manifesting about work slighlty bizarrely. Ive had somecsick leave the last few weeks as I am not managing physically with migrane, high blood pressure and anemia, but now I am realising the the pervasive issue is that I am really stressing out about work. It is a fairly senior role but not one that has bothered me in the last7 years including my two previous pregnancies.

Hopefully I am going to finish work in the next week or so - a bit early. And I am hoping that ditching work doesn't mean I transfer these feelings to something else.
(I don't get much rest at home as the existing dc are 3 and 2.)
I'm 32 weeks now.

Can I tell you about the moment I met her? After all the anxiety it was the most crystal clear, perfect moment I have ever had. I had a c section because I was raped years ago and I was terrified that a vaginal birth would tip me over the edge.

When they tried to get her out, she shifted up into my ribs as if she didn't want to leave me, but they got her out.

I heard her. I heard her little cry and it was like everything inside me fell apart and then fell back into place in a completely different way. I know it sounds silly, but it was like everything inside me had shifted to be stronger, more resilient, to be exactly what she needed, whatever that would be. she looked familiar but strange all at the same time and the urge to pull her close to me and feed her was so so strong.

The reason I wanted to tell you that is because I spent months hating her. I'm ashamed to say it but I hated this baby that had made me feel like I couldn't live a minute more. This baby that had changed my whole world and made it feel unsafe and scary and unbearable. But when I met her, it was all nonsense. It was all utter utter bollocks. She was mine, and she was perfect. And I don't think I will ever feel anything like that ever again because I had no fucking idea you could love like this.

How you feel now does not indicate how you will feel once baby is here. It doesn't have any effect on your baby, it doesn't damage them and it doesn't affect your ability to be a mum. It does not mean you will definitely get pnd and it doesn't mean you won't love your baby. I hated my baby while I was pregnant and I nearly had a termination, but my God am I glad I didn't. I love my baby girl with everything I have and did from the second I heard her.

Dd is nearly two by the way.

Anxious was not even the word. I had constant panic attacks for the majority of my pregnancy. I completely lost my mind and contemplated suicide almost daily. I couldn't cope with feeling like that. Luckily I got therapy and that helped enough to get me through.

It stopped the minute dd was born. I didn't get pnd, dd is absolutely perfect and was not damaged by my anxiety at all. When I held her everything snappped into place and I couldn't understand why I had been in such a state. Obviously I loved my baby, obviously I would be able to care for her as I would die for that little baby girl.

She is a happy child, pretty laid back, well behaved, such a good girl. The anxiety had no effect on her at all.

You will be ok op, this is not a sign of what the future holds, it is just a blip. Honestly, you will be ok.

Can't add anything as I'm only just 7+2 with my first and my anxiety is incredibly bad at the moment. I'm trying to make a decision whether to continue or terminate as the dark thoughts I'm having are like nothing I've ever experienced - as I've never been pregnant before, I don't know what it's supposed to 'feel' like and my hormones are all over the place. I've totally disengaged from everything, the thought of going shopping for baby clothes, telling people or even calling it a 'baby', makes me incredibly sad and want to cry, rather than be happy.

All of your posts above are really inspiring and it's nice to hear that despite a lot of worries and dark periods, you came out the other side and are really enjoying Motherhood

I had a proper rough ride with pregnancy, due to my bipolar disorder. I was severely depressed, and anxious all the time - it was hellish. I came through and now have a happy, healthy 18 month old boy - there is absolutely nothing wrong with him at all! :)

I think I mentally shut down the weeks before birth. Didn't get excited or anything, nothing (which I'm guessing you'd love right now) but I know that was my minds way of coping with too much anxiety.

I know it might sound glib, and please don't take it that way, but have you tried any mindfulness stuff? I use a 3 min breathing exercise when I get stuck in that loop (I can't do it again, it will happen again, how will I cope?) which really helps me. I also use the calm.dom app to help me focus on the mindfulness. I find when I'm in the anxiety loop I can't follow mindfulness on my own, I need a voice leading me though.

It might not be helpful at all, or you may do it already, but it might be worth giving it a go

Apart from everything else keep reminding yourself just how well you are doing. Because you really are. I'm in awe of your strength x