To have another baby when my first is autistic?

We chose not to have more. Not because we wouldn't want another autistic child (my son is awesome) but because it wouldn't be fair to him. He needs lots of attention and support and I wouldn't want to take that away from him. He has a pretty solid routine a baby would massively disrupt it.

We chose not to have more. Not because we wouldn't want an autistic child (my son is awesome) but because it wouldn't be fair to him. He needs lots of attention and support and I wouldn't want to take that away from him. He has a pretty solid routine a baby would massively disrupt it.

This post is 7 years old!

It’s 3 out of 3 for me OP… all different severities though. The first would have been classed as Aspergers back in the day, the second is very bright with extremely challenging behaviour (at times) and the youngest is non-verbal. Three very different kids though but all loved.

Bumping

Just realised this was an old thread. Would love to know how it all panned out for the OP.

I say this as a counter to all the parents who seem to say they would never have had children had they known they were autistic. I'm not saying anything against what they are saying, it's sad they feel that way but that is their experience and this is mine.

I have 3 dc with autism. I'd have happily had a fourth if time had been on my side. They are all pretty awesome. They struggle with some things obviously but so do NT children/people. They are very loving and I get more from them (all in different ways) than I think my friends get from their NT children. My son was also diagnosed at 2, my DDs much later (although they are older than him). It's more obvious for him than them but the girls struggle more with anxiety - perhaps because they mask more. We live a quieter life than lots of families, more just us but we enjoy what we do. I wouldn't have rather had NT children, that seems exhausting from where I am standing. It's possible I am also autistic but it has never been diagnosed.

I think you should wait and see how things go with your son. If its very hard and takes up all your time, maybe not. If you would have another praying that they wouldn't be autistic definitely not as you may end up disappointed and this could rub off on your child. If however you have a funny, different, loving child who develops at their own pace you might think why not. Good luck with whatever you decide and remember any difficulties that your son has now won't necessarily remain the same, he will probably change and develop.

Bumping for further personal experiences-

Ugh the ablism on this thread is so depressing. Being autistic is a different neurotype, not a horrible disease.

I wouldnt
You don't know how severely your kid's asd is yet. Imagine the worst posssible outcome and then another asd baby on top of that. I wouldn't want that. Not for myself. Not for my kid. Not for my baby.

And even if you do end up with a NT baby; the chances are that your asd child will not cope very well (at all?) With the presence of a loud and disruptive baby bro or sis.

The stress that you already have will be nothing to what it will be with 2 kids. Even if both kid were NT.

Society might have told you you need 2 kids to have a proper family. And I usually agree that 2 is a food number. But considering your mental state already (and even BEFORE your baby was born..) i don't think youll be doing anyone a favor. You might change your life for the worst.

I wouldn't. I could never be that selfish

Or dc1 for that matter!

We have two DC first diagnosed with autism and the second going for assessment! Its not easy but I wouldn't have missed out on having dc2 for the world!! I love them both to bits!

To be honest all this talk of having another child for the benefit of the first makes me slightly uncomfortable, all the more when the first child has some kind of disability and the motivation is to improve their quality of life or to ensure a lifelong friend or literal caring relative for the first child.
Each child is in themselves an equal member of the family and in my opinion no one child's needs should be more important than the other's, in the long term.
In terms of your question, there is no right or wrong answer and no-one can answer for you.

I would think about it from your potential second child’s perspective.

kids with additional needs often require more attention. Time, resources etc and Ive read many times on here about resentment or just sadness that their parents were always focused on their sibling and not them.

I have one child and I honestly think I’d struggle to devote enough resources to two NT, never mind if one has additional needs. I take pleasure in having the privilege to give my kid the most - where it be financially, emotionally, time, energy and I wouldn’t give that up for her to have sibling (NT or not)

People always talk about how close siblings are and built in support etc but that’s not always true.

This is a beautifully considered post 😍

I can only go on the experience of my friend who was NT but lived in the shadow of her brothers autism. Personally I don't think I would have another in your shoes , particularly as even if they were both autistic they could still have very different needs. Bit as long as you and your dh are on the sane page and are fully committed to your decision, whatever you decide will be for the best.

How autistic is your first? Would a second be left responsible for them when you die? If the answer is yes, then no, not a chance I'd have another.

Thanks so much for this timely post.
It all applies to our oldest too.
He is currently finding young adulthood very hard (it's the contrast with others his age), which in turn has made things difficult for his younger sibling, and it's so good to be able to reflect on the positives.

There are various presentations of autism. I'm an autistic adult. I hold down a full time job and am studying for a master's degree. It does not necessarily mean a life less full and valuable, although I would say my autism has caused significant struggles (they do not diagnose it if you are not substantially negatively affected by your traits)

You could also have a child who is more severely disabled by autism (or something else), so there's the practical considerations of what that would mean for your family.

I suppose it comes down to whether you are OK with either outcome. You sound like a good and thoughtful parent who will love all your children no matter what. I definitely valued getting to grow up with a sibling (who reckons he is also autistic but doesn't see a need to have it investigated). But we're both of the weird-but-functioning type so not representative of all.

Thanks , I always appreciate insight from some one in on the spectrum . My dds is 5 and I would say he has “mild” autism but I worry over how he will handle life as he gets older , as any parent does , but with the additional worry of having an SN child . He is very active and can be stressful when he bolts but he is beautiful and cheeky ! My hesitation is if another hold would have more severe autism and although I would accept what will be will be , the ultimate question is am I being selfish by exposing that unknown risk to my unborn child ( I am 6 weeks pregnant, not planned ) and take any time and energy needed by my dds as well as my eldest dd ( not on the spectrum ).

I myself am autistic, the condition I have is genetic and is inherited from my mother (she's never been formally diagnosed due to being older but has all the traits I do). I have two siblings who are not autistic.
Being autistic does make life more difficult/complicated especially when I was at school and other children knew I was different. I struggled for a lot of years with bullying and anxiety this caused. Now, 10 years on from leaving school my life is amazing. Got my degree, good job, nice house, wonderful husband and currently expecting my first child.
When we were TTC I told my husband that there was a chance that a child we had could end up like me and he said he didn't care because there's nothing wrong with me. This is how I look at things, I don't want my child to be autistic like me but if they are I'll be prepared and will know how to prepare them for life/fight their corner.
It does really depend on how autism affects your first child whether you could cope with the same or worse again. Either way an autistic child is still a child and you shouldn't look at it as a negative. Like I say, there's nothing wrong with me I just see the world a bit differently.

It really depends on the level of care your first child needs and will need in the future OP. Autism really varies. Will parenting be a pleasant experience if he is incredibly high needs and you also have another child who needs you (who may or may not have SN too)