AIBU? MIL tension

edit, no, I know, but there's something about it that I don't like. Maybe it feels like 'ganging up'. Anyway, you sound very tolerant. I wouldn't put up with this kind of thing!

PS for some reason 'Mr Edit' is making me giggle.

Onlylovers, I wouldn't use Mr Edit against his will! It would always be something minor we both agreed on; but he can do no wrong in his (very nice) mother's eyes, so in the interests of avoiding tension, sometimes it's better to emphasise that HE likes something (too). OP's MIL might well be passive-aggressive, but I would prefer to avoid an argument, myself, and perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt. (OP must ignore this if she disagrees, of course!)

delilahrose I think you've had some very good advice on here. I would say exactly the same. And I have an amazingly nice MIL!

The important thing for you to remember is that it is not your fault your MIL had no daughter to plan a wedding for, so you should not feel you need to compensate for that. You were kind to involved her in YOUR wedding and she tried to take over and wanted it to be her big day.

You are in possible danger of her doing the same with your pregnancy and baby! She said she did not have a girl! She won't have one this time either, YOU will either have a girl or boy. Many first time parents are quite new to babies and parenting, make sure you find out things yourself and build up your own knowledge, and I would agree, do not ask her advice. She will only abuse that, by the sound of it.

Likewise I would tell AH you do not want to talk to anyone about baby names until the two of you choose, then tell her firmly you and your DH have decided that you will not discuss baby names until you decide. Ignore her suggestions and if she starts talking about it just remind her that topic is off limits. If you do not, you may find you are pushed into her choice or that you decide against a nice name because she likes it!

Have some phrases ready to use for any topics you do not want to discuss a subject.

YANBU

You need to distance yourself. Don't answer the door, don't pick up the phone if you know it is her and it isn't convenient. Caller Display is vital!!

Whatever you do make sure DH never gives her a key!!

DH does need to stand up to her though - she sounds like a dreadful bully. You also need to think about a strategy for the birth and the initial weeks. I don't want to worry you but my overbearing MIL managed to bully her way into the delivery room when I was having contractions!!

DH has to tell her what is and isn't acceptable.

If she keeps offering parenting advice just smile and say "Oh well, we will enjoy finding our own way."

She will react badly but you really need to stick to your guns here or she will take the shine off what should be a very happy time for you.

Good luck.

I don't know, edit, that all sound a bit passive-aggressive to me. I think getting things out in the open is a better way to go. And using the husband as an 'excuse': I don't like that at all.

YADNBU, she sounds extremely irritating and has said/done some unforgivable things (wedding dress debacle... Breast feeding nonsense). I also thinks she knows she's saying silly things or she would say them in front of your husband, but she doesn't want to be challenged. You sound lovely and I doubt you want to be rude. She DOESNT owe you anything, exactly, but she DID bring your DP into the world and, if they're at all close, you wouldn't want to get in the way of that (I'm always amazed at the number of people who say you should just tell her to stick it!).

The rest of the things she's said, as far as I can tell, are incredibly annoying but not deal-breakers. In the face of such things, I mostly find nodding brightly or acting vague and leaving the room does the trick. I don't see why things should get worse when the baby arrives (especially as your DP sounds very supportive): I would suggest acting as though any sub-text is lost on you: just be cheerful and polite and keep your distance as much as possible. E.g. "I'm sure you're right, s/he could just sleep in a travel cot, but we've seen this lovely cot so I think we're going to go with that. Doesn't it look nice?" If your husband is willing, use him as the excuse as I always do!: "I agree, but Mr Edit just loved this one, didn't you darling?" I think it's fine to get on each other's nerves (it must be a rare MIL/DIL who don't one bit), but better not to burn any bridges.

But don't answer the door if she drops round unannounced!

Poor you, she sounds demented! Being pregnant does make you more sensitive but from what you've described you have every reason to be upset.

Tell your DH everything;

Tell someone else, too-have an ally so you don't feel alone with it all;

Also tell your DH 'keeping out of it' is not an option: she's his mother, he's in the middle of it and ultimate he has to be the one to deal with it;

Don't bother seeing her on your own any more;

No one truly knows what they are in for when they have children, but we all manage. Bear in mind your MIL doesn't know what you're in for either-she's only an expert on her own children's upbringing, after all. You haven't met your baby yet, none of you has any idea what joys and challenges s/he will bring. So don't let her treat you like a rank amateur to her expert.

I agree, he needs to man up.

I am sorry but your DH needs to grow a pair of balls and tell your mother to back the fuck off. He should have told her that from the start with the wedding dress fiasco. Because he hasn't pulled her up on anything properly, she thinks that it's ok for her to carry on behaving the way she does, so why should she change her behaviour.
As we get older and move on with our lives the people most important to us change, now you and your bump are the most important people to your husband and he should be protecting you.

My MIL developed a habit of stalking me dropping in unannounced when I came home from work so as she could see ds.

Trust me, the last person I wanted to see when I'd just had a hard day was MIL.

The last time she 'dropped round' I told her she wasn't coming in as she hadn't been invited. She was furious and had to drive all the way home with the dinner she had made for us. I didn't care remotely, I've told her time and time and time again not to cook and bring food for us as we always meal plan bit she just ignored me.

People probably think I'm awful but they don't have my MIl. I really can't stand her.

Please tell me she hasn't got a key? If she has, remove it from her immediately!

No OP, you are not oversensitive in the slightest. She sounds really dreadful, one of those mothers who treats her son more like a husband and can't quite accept that he is now an adult with a partner of his own.

You need to put up some firm boundaries though - no more answering the door to her when you are alone, make sure that your DP is with you at all times. She's just taking every opportunity she can to undermine you and make you feel inadequate. So make sure you don't give her the chance. It sounds like you have tried to be very kind and considerate with her and she has taken advantage of that. No more. You owe this woman nothing.

Like many MILs on MN, mine incl, she has to BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Speaking as someone who has real MIL issues, believe me it will get 100 times worse when the baby comes.

I bit my tongue for almost 18 months about the way my MIL was acting and it caused me real distress.

Do NOT accept her behaviour. Call her on it every single time. Do not allow her to speak down to you or make you feel inadequate.

Most importantly, do NOT ask for her advice on any aspect of parenting ever. I know his may sound harsh and excluding, but your MIL sounds like a twat (like mine) and this is the only way I can get through.

She sounds awful and bonkers. What has your husband done about it?

Lock the door and don't let her in when she wants to 'pop in' (what happens when she turns up and you're not awake/being sick? Do you drag yourself out of bed or away from the loo to let her in? If so, screw that).

When she tries to tell you you're selfish or there's nothing worse than a fat person, stand up for yourself and tell her she's rude and you won't put up with it. Tell her to leave your house if she can't be civil.

Stand your ground tell her straight that you & your dh WILL be buying a cot etc and it has nothing to do with her.

MiL starting to be around with nobody else there - along with the other incidents you mention ???

Instant red flag. Because it allows MiL to spin whatever narrative she wants about your conversations to other people.

This was a classic trick of my MiL. Luckily MrsLH had already picked up on some incidences of untruths, so didn't fall for it.

MiL used to try and booby trap conversations by telling me not to talk to MrsLH about something, and then telling exactly the opposite story to MrsLH with the understanding "it's just between us" - obviously a challenge from either of us would have proved we "collaborated".

i want to wear a tiara and white lace dress to 'my special day'

shame you didn't have it out with her then eg. 'what, are you getting married?' no, didnt think so....

what did she wear just out of interest?

suggest - no time alone with her, and no discussing things. Reponding to any suggestions with a polite, non committal platitudes ' oh really, interesting' and if she mentions her sons fertility again 'eww, bit inappropriate, mil'

what you have to think about is what it is going to be like when the baby arrives. if you think she is a royal pain in the bum now just imagine this magnified. you need to sort it out now. if you don't feel strong enough to tell her to back off then just refuse to engage. your wedding, your pregnancy, your life, your way. are you quite young OP?

No the wedding dress fiasco should have told you not to expect much from her. Don't take her stupid comments personally and do keep her at arms length. You were incredibly thoughtful to invite her to come along to choose a dress. She really has spoiled an opportunity to develop a close relationship with her dil. I think she'll get worse when the baby's born but just make sure you set firm boundaries and learn not to take her silly comments to heart. In the meantime can you disconnect your doorbell so she doesn't disturb you?

She sounds bonkers! What type of woman [other than the actual bride] wears white lace and a tiara to a wedding??
I think you need to cut down on the time you spend alone with her - you say she calls round when you are off sick, how does she know you are there? Can you not be "out" and not answer the door?
If she does start to criticize, ignore her, change the subject, and don't ask her opinion about things.
What does your DH say? does he know what she is like?
BTW, you havn't given her a door key have you??

She sounds hell! Avoid or go No Contact

If she has a key then you need to get your DH to ask for it back, make sure the door is bolted or at least the key is in it when you're home alone.

Lock the front door and switch off your phone. Do not answer door bell. If she says anything then no, you were definitely not in. Keep doing this. If you are left on your own with her, walk out of the room. Do not take her shopping with you. Just keep her completely at arms length. If she cannot behave then those are the consequences.