AIBU? MIL tension

She's not actually being very subtle or clever, so you can definitely call her on her outright rudeness. It's not as though you have to slyly get her to trip up: she's marching right over you, and in a way, that should make it easier to refuse!

I swear this thread is creepy! My MIL did EXACTLY the same things at my wedding. She bought a white lace dress and I asked her not to wear it and she said she 'wouldn't stand out as mother of the groom' if she didnt . She instead wore black lace and made the day miserable for herself..

Im now pregnant with our first baby and she is doing the same things as the OP's MIL!! She too has two boys and said she hopes for a girl as 'she has never had a girl' and she is heavily dictating our choices of name (we haven't told her any) and keeps commenting because we are not having a nursery and 'the baby will have no where to sleep'!!

Add that to the manipulative and abusive emails, the crying down the phone, the fake over doses and threats to hurt herself, the nasty comments about DH and his brother when we go to family events...

My DH DOES tell her to go fuck herself though, he knows she is over bearing and manipulative so he argues with her when things come up and tries to stop her getting over involved in his life now he is married, so I just step back and watch it all unfold. Its awful and draining sometimes...

Thanks there's some really good ideas here!

The diary is a good idea. But I might look petty keeping a little black book? Might have to just risk looking petty tho as its better than the alternative.

Im definitely going to try talking about 'us' 'together' 'me and DH as a family' ive said similar things in the past and actually it did stop her comments at least for a little while.

We're on holiday at the mo and today she sent us a photo of our garden from the babys bedroom in our house! Why is she in our house? DH says she's done some washing for him and is probably just dropping it off and it's a great help to us. He says he can't get the keys back as that's not how his family works. He did say he's gonna ask his brother for advice tho.

Make sure you keep a diary of all these things.
They will seem very small to your DH but when he sees the whole picture it will be far more compelling.

I would also stop telling her anything that she could use against you. You were nice to include her in your wedding planning and she showed you that it wasn't worth your effort then, so from now on, vagueness rules.

'We'll just see how we feel when the baby's born'
'We're not sure yet - there's plenty of time to decide'
'I'm sure we'll manage, like all new parents do'

Don't volunteer any information, don't tell her anything you don't have to (so probably nothing) and if she asks you a direct question then just say 'We haven't made a decision yet' and close the line of questioning down. You need your husband on board - he cannot absolve himself of the responsibility for dealing with this and leave you to tackle his mother on your own, especially once the baby is here as you will need to be an impenetrable team.

It's like you married my exH! My MIL was (probably still is) like this. The advice here is good. Particularly refering to 'us' 'ours' etc.
Enjoy parenting your way and best wishes!

DelilahRose2014 - how did you get on with your MIL in the end? She sounds EXACTLY like mine! Though u seem to have nipped it in the bud earlier than mine. Mine bought a white dress for our wedding that was more expensive than my dress then told everyone and spent the night before the wedding telling all the guests inc. bridesmaids that tomorrow was 'all about her and everyone would be looking at how amazing she looked!' . It's been a nightmare since we had a baby and DH gave her a key to our house .

How are u getting on? What did u find worked/ didn't work? I hope u r enjoying being a mum and r getting on better than we r!!

Dear, dear. She sounds like a nightmare on stilts and, like a tantrumming toddler, you need to get some very, very firm boundaries in place FAST.

no no no to hoping she's going to be a lovely mummy-type person: she's specifically coralling you off from your husband to drip poison over you. She is not your friend, she does not wish you well, she is not concerned with your welfare.

It is NOT GOOD ENOUGH that your husband doesn't want to get involved. He IS involved: this is his mother, you are his wife: you come FIRST. He needs to get his act together and stop pretending this isn't happening or that he's 'in the middle'. He is not in the middle, he's firmly at YOUR side, not hers.

I would generally advise restraint with any MIL relationship but if she's bursting into tears that she can't wear a lacey dress and a tiara ON YOUR WEDDING DAY then, my dear, there is absolutely no hope. You're just going to have to manage her with rods of iron from now on in. Preferably by moving away (I'm not exaggerating).

Do you know what will really annoy her? Smile nicely to everything she says and use the words "we", "us", "our" and "together" a lot about you and dh.

For example:

We have decided to buy our baby the cot we decided on together.

We can't wait for our baby to arrive.

Basically emphasise that dh and your baby are your life, not hers.

Very immature and passive aggressive, but you aren't being rude so she can't moan to anyone about you!

Disclaimer: this probably isn't the best method and is actually quite mean, but I bet her face would be worth it

You're absolutely right, this HAS to be gotten under control now.

Suggest you avoid any one-to-one time with her. She hasn't got a house key has she? Just don't answer the door or the phone. It's pretty suspicious if she's like this only on your own.

It will be hell if you don't get boundaries laid down.

You also need to speak to your husband from now on. Tell him the problem(s) and make sure he's on your side. He's in an incredibly difficult position but he needs to choose his wife over his mother. That stuff about the wedding dress makes it sound like, as another poster put it, she wants to be the one married to him.

edit, no, you're probably very tolerant, and definitely much more so than me. I'd rather go for confrontation – in the sense, anyway, of calling people out on things I didn't like. If they don't respond well I think that's their problem.

brilliant advice here love! hoping you're feeling as empowered as you now sound.

Onlylovers sorry I misread - you mean I am passive aggressive! Yes, I probably am! But one person's assertive is another person's aggressive; just as one person's "ganging up" is another person's "supporting each other". I suppose I just see it as saying in a friendly but firm way that this is OUR household, OUR baby and OUR decisions. Same as everyone else is saying, really. It's just that OP's MIL didn't respond well (or permanently) to her putting her foot down over the wedding dress, so maybe she speaks my language. I'm definitely not particularly tolerant; I would just do almost anything to avoid a row, especially one that could impact permanently on my DH's relationship with his mother. I think I must come from a very passive aggressive line.

Channel your inner tiger-mother. You aren't doing it just for yourself now, but for your child.

my mil is not allowed in out house unless my dh is home...I suggest you make the same rule

I agree with WhereYouLeftIt that no secrets is good. Hopefully, if you can be in the room with her only when DH is there then he will get to hear it all anyway.

delilahrose your MIL may come round and be nicer once she realises she cannot control you or make you feel bad. She may feel bad. She may feel jealous that you have a wonderful life ahead of you with her 'little boy', your dh!

But that is the way of the world, the new generation moves on and does their own thing and she can be a part of it, just not the main part, and not the decision making part.

When you are really feeling strong you may feel it is appropriate to let her know you feel she feels on the edge of your family, or whatever, she could be an important part, a nice part, but only if she gets on board and realises that now you and your Dh are the ones making the decisions.

But really if you are pregnant this is probably not the time for long debates, try and get on an even footing together and just make sure you get what you want. If she comes round and asks how she can genuinely help you might wish to explore a better relationship together. But be aware that this should be something you feel comfortable with and you need DH to be supportive.

She wanted to wear a white lace dress and a tiara to her son's wedding?

" My DH tries to keep out of it as it causes friction."
Totally the wrong tactic for him to take. When he hangs back, his mother will take that as unspoken approval. So in fact, by doing so, he encourages her behaviour and actually ends up facilitating ever more friction.

You need to change your tactics too. Everything she says to you, repeat to your husband. No secrets!

Oh cross posted with Angeltattoo and agree absolutely, You need to put your boundaries up NOW.

delilahrose, when I said some set phrases, I meant, when you said......

She keeps telling me about how I need to be careful about what I eat as "there is nothing worse than a fat person" -

This is hugely insulting and none of her bloody business so I would either say
"I really do not want to talk about what I eat/thank but I don't need dietary advice/I think I am old enough to make my own food choices now, (insert her name here in a rather smug way)!"

I would not be nasty, because she may 'report back' to DH and if she were to do so accurately you probably would want what she says to be truthful but not necessarily offensive. So if you say something clear and a little bit cutting but not rude she has no leg to stand on to keep going or to 'report back'!

If she says you are selfish for deciding not to breast feed - I would tell her that is your own choice. Personally, I think breast feeding was totally wonderful and am a big fan. It was so much easier than bottles and was lovely. So if you decide to do it just go ahead, do not feel you need to avoid it because she likes the idea of it!! It is your choice.

If she tells you that you "...have a lot to learn about parenting" Smile and say "That's why it's so great to have the internet, we can now find out all kinds of useful information so quickly nowdays."

If she suggests of your hubby that he "wraps it up" so it doesn't happen again" I would make a face, as if to say "Oh bloody hell how utterly offensive and INAPPROPRIATE" and simply say "That's not really a topic of conversation I'd like to explore with you at the moment, (insert her name in a rather smug way)."

If she says you are "...selfish to spend this money..." Just say "We can decide what our baby needs, we are making all our decisions after we have thought about it a lot together."

Don't get caught up in long conversations. Say your bit and move away and try and avoid being alone with her.

Definitely do not open the door if you are alone.

I think it is better to be polite but also to be clear, you are on to her, she is horrible to you, you will cut off her power by not allowing her to get at you. You need to be strong. You can be.

delilahrose sorry, DH, I mean "Likewise I would tell DH you do not want to talk to anyone about baby names until the two of you choose..."

I am so sorry you have been hospitalised. Please look after yourself.

I agree 100% DH needs to be supportive.

hamptoncourt you said You also need to think about a strategy for the birth and the initial weeks. I don't want to worry you but my overbearing MIL managed to bully her way into the delivery room when I was having contractions!! Oh my, that is terrible!

delilahrose my strong suggestion is that extended family are not told when you go into labour. That extended family are told when baby arrives and are given clear times when they will be received at the ward or at your house. Also no one comes to stay in your house at the time of your new baby's arrival, unless you want them to. The first couple of weeks are a very special time and you simply do not need the stress of this. Please make it clear that if you allow visitors at your home they should come for SHORT visits, e.g. a cuppa and a chat (and they make the cuppa)! If people have come a long way etc then that is their business, you are not required to offer lunch or put people up or any of that nonsense! Be strong, your baby needs time with you and DH not relatives that early on. You might not be able to avoid people who might want to meet the baby but you can avoid too much contact.

I do think that things can get worse when a baby arrives, people can feel they need their bit of time etc and might fee a bit put out if they don't get it, or so I have heard. My mum and in-laws were fab so I am not speaking from personal experience.

You need to stop spending so much time with her.

and stop discussing things with her (such as buying cots and buggys, or whether you are going to bf or not) you are giving this crazy woman too much information! (and information is power)

you need to nip this in the bud now! before she becomes a crazy and obsessive Grandmother who demands access to your child!

You have a lot to learn about parenting.

'No more than you had to learn when you had your first'

Call her on every single thing, every single time. Do not let her get away with snide remarks. There's no need to be confrontational, just a simple 'what was that?' Or 'can you repeat that?' Every. Single. Time.

She wants to mother your baby, she has made that very clear. You need to put your boundaries up NOW so she knows what to expect. Decide what you want and make it common knowledge NOW. Only DH at the hospital. Time to bond as a family and for you and DH to get to know your baby so she doesn't think she's moving in for a month after you give birth. Therefore visitors will be invited for short periods while DH is on paternity leave. Admission by invite only and for an hour (or whatever suits). You will be emotional after the birth OP so be prepared and do not let her ride roughshod over you. DH gets on board now and he is the one to tell her.

You're going to have to protect your child so now's the time to start doing it. There's absolutely no need to be alone with her - I assume your DM doesn't call round to impose on your DH when he's home ill and needs to rest? If you don't expect him to do this for your DM, then why should he expect you to do it for his?