to go on holiday without him because my dp can't afford it

I think some people are being a bit unfair on atwitsend and there are some pretty insulting comments here. Jesus, it's not like she keeps him locked in the basement.

I have a friend who is in a similar position - he's self-employed, low-paid, and doesn't like taking time off whereas she's salaried and can afford more holidays. Their solution is to have some weekends away and save up for a bigger week away.

DH and I have been on holidays without each other, mainly due to opportunities arising which suited one or other of us, and it wasn't a problem, but that was because we agreed it between us. Going on holiday when your OH really wants to come but can't afford it is a recipe for disaster IMO.

IF he can;t take the time off then I don;t quite see what the big deal is. The finances are secondary.

AIBU to go on holiday when my partner can't take the time off. NO.

If he's just a boyfriend who you don't love and don't foresee a long term future with Yanbu. If you love him and he's your life partner then yabu.

OP, where do you see this relationship going?

He works hard but doesn't earn much, you are wealthy by virtue of an inheritance (ie haven't worked for it)

how do you see you long term future panning out?

oh and when we lived together before sharing finances, I paid 50% of all bills expect rent, which was split 65/35 because I could only afford to rent a 1 bed flat in the area we wanted to live in but the now DH needed a spare room to be his office and he also needed a garage, we agreed I'd pay what would be half of the rent costs of the smaller flat that would suit me fine, and he'd pay the difference because he needed the bigger flat. (and I wouldn't use the office).

It's usual to share all finances before there's any sort of commitment like marriage or children.

It's also unusual for a couple without children to only do things as a family unit. While the skiing trip was the only big holiday one of us went on without the other once we'd started living together, we both had regular weekends away without the other. the now DH was working very long hours and a lot of weekend work back then - I wouldn't have taken kindly to being told I couldn't go visit friends just because DH couldn't get the time off to join me.

It is a very different situation when one partner stays at home to look after the children and therefore needs to rely financially on the other.

In this case they do not have children.

I wouldn't have much respect for a woman who contributed nothing to the household despite working, same as I feel about a man.

I think women on MN often have experience as mins who suddenly lose income when they have a baby and so they tend to be sensitive to situations of financial disparity.

When I stopped doing my fun, highflying job to have a baby and my DH carried on earning good money, I would have been fucking horrified of he had said, 'darling, I can afford to go to Meribel for a week's skiing but you can't afford it and you can't leave the baby. I'm off!'

That's because we love each other, respect the differences in our lives and do things together.

OP - do you love this man? Do you respect the fact that he works hard but did not inherit money as you did? Do you want to do things together?

YABU because of your attitude.

When DH and I go out for lunch tomorrow it would be like him eating at a fancy pants restaurant and me in a little café because he works and I don't.

I have been the lower earning person in a similar couple when DH and i first started living together, we didn't completely merge finances until we were married. When we first moved in together he was earning vastly more than me, and was invited on a trip skiing in the US with a group of shared friends (although more his friends), we'd already commited to going on an overseas holiday later in the year for another friend's wedding, I couldn't afford to do both.

He actually did offer to pay for me, but I refused, I didn't feel ready to be 'kept' - once we'd got engaged and then married, then had DCs, it was different, we were a unit, but when you are just living together with no DCs, you aren't really a unit.

He went without me and I was rather jealous at the time, but i couldn't afford it and didn't make him feel bad about it. It was my choice, he had offered to pay.

The issue will be, will your DP make you feel bad about going without him? If he can't get the time off, then the difference in your wages doesn't really matter (other than that he can't really afford to go on his own later on if he needs you to offer to pay) - if you reposted saying you can afford to go away but your DP can't get the time off to join you, AIBU to go without him? most people would say YANBU.

If he's taking the lifestyle you offer but still begrudging you having things he can't have (be it because you can afford more than him even with you not expecting him to pay half the bills, or because he can't take the time off to do stuff even if he could afford it due to being SE), then he's not a keeper. People who only want you to have fun if it's fun with them aren't worth the effort.

atwitsend
The point is that lots of husbands pay for their SAHM wives to go on holiday
can you not see that your question is a tad odd?

You are not a "couple" - he is your kept man.
Be honest about that and then go on any holiday you like.

You sound very selfish and definitely not in a relationship. This isn't how a couple treats each other. He can't help his situation, so what do you expect him to do.

OP..do you think he's taking advantage?? If so deal with it. But it sounds as if he's hard working but just not bringing in enough dosh to keep up with your travel preferences.in which case you don't sound very loving. Sorry.

It sounds like you resent him a lot bit for earning less. This really doesn't bode well for the future.

No offence op, but you dont seem to speak about him with much affection. It doesn't sound like his happiness means all that much to you. Are you generally happy in your relationship?

It sounds like you resent him for even being there, tbh.

"He enjoys a better life materially because he's with me". , That just sounds awful, OP. Imagine if a guy had come on and said those things about his live-in girlfriend - he woud be slaughtered, and rightly so.

You knew his financial situation before he moved in, and presumably knew that his earning potential was going to be limited while he got his business going, and yet you seem pissed off with him as a result?

It doesn't seem like you like him all that much, really.

You don't sound like you have much respect for him, you aren't doing him a favour by being his DP you know.

Presumably you have chosen to pay for things for him because you have wanted him to share those things with you, not out of charity.

BTW I have some good friends who have been married for 21 years who always take at least one solo holiday (as in, separate from each other) every year.

I think this thread wins the title of "thread where most posters completely ignore what the OP has actually said, despite her saying it several times"

OP I think you can go on hols if he isn't able to take the time off. But sooner or later the differences in finances is going to affect your relationship - especially if finances are kept separate and not regarded by both as a common pot of money. I'm not sure what the solution is but you and he will have to sit down and discuss it - I can't see it working the way you are.

Yes yabu with your " subsidising" is this guy your partner or not because he doesn't sound like it.

Atwitsend Could you clarify what the issue is as I can see two potential AIBU and I'm easily confused

Is it Aibu to go on holiday alone because Dp won't take the time off?

Or Aibu to go on holiday alone because he can't afford it and I'm getting fed up of paying for the both of us?

It sounds to me from your OP as though he doesn't want to go because of the lost days. If he genuinely means that, then I'd go without him if I were you (as long as it's not over some important time like Christmas or his birthday).

If he really means that he can't afford the holiday + the lost income, it's trickier. Obviously you can't sub his lost days of income even if you were willing to pay for his holiday. I can see his point- the life of the freelancer is rather precarious financially.

However, as gets more stable with his work and financially, he will have to factor in breaks if he's not to go utterly mad.

Are you a partnership or just boyfriend and girlfriend? Because if you are genuinely committed to each other as partners for life then your set up is horrible.