to be a bit upset that we're no longer included in family gatherings because we asked that the dogs be closed away?

Love me love my dog.

Sorry, I put people first.

I am not a dog hater BTW. I grew up with dogs and am perfectly comfortable around them, but I get that not everyone is.

Are these family members 'close' relationships, e.g. siblings (which I can see would be awkward, because not only are your parents central to it all, but also you presumably want to see any nephews and nieces), or are they more 'distant' e.g. cousins? If the latter then maybe the least stressful route would be to leave it a while, and not bother seeing them.

Also LapsedTwentysomething, as I asked before, why do your friends' dogs have to be shut away? Are they snappy too, or is the issue with the family dog starting to affect you allowing your DC to be with dogs at all? That would be a pity.

I don't want people in my house who freak out about my dogs. I choose who comes to my house. That is my right as a householder. Have never had a problem with any friend of the DDs from refusing to come over because of the dogs and my dogs have never snapped at anyone - child or adult and are well trained and under control. Outside the house they are always kept on a lead because I don't want them being put in a difficult position. As far as my family are concerned the dogs are part of our family. If people don't like or don't understand that, then it really doesn't matter to me.

Who are all these people who think that dogs are more important than small children?

They are being incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. What do they get out of making visitors feel uncomfortable? When we have visitors I make them feel welcome, and if it means shutting a pet out of the way then so be it.

We used to have two cats. One friend absolutely hated cats, and it wasn't a big deal to remove them from his presence.

YANBU at all, and those who think you are are just being thoughtless. Not everyone likes dogs.

YABU for not insisting the snappy dog be put down. DB had a dog that bit his son (thankfully not badly), the dog was put down straight away. Frankly it was my brother's own fault for not training the dog properly. Snappy dogs round children are a disaster waiting to happen.

Trouble is there are too many dog owners who think their dog is more important than children. I've found that people who have well trained calm dogs generally are quite happy to accommodate my dog phobic child and shut the dog away for a bit. TBH it's not fair on the dog either to be exposed to a screaming hysterical child (she became truly terrified after some fuckwit dog owners let their dogs chase her round a playpark - that would be a playpark where dogs should be on a lead). I have a family member with a lovely dog who is slowly helping DD get over her fear but ever badly trained dog we meet in a park sends us back to the beginning.

YANBU We have 5 dogs and unless people who call round are well known to us (and used to our dogs) then the dogs go away. I doubt any of them will ever do more than scrounge food but some people just don't like dogs around. I can't believe people think YABU if a child had almost been bitten in the past!

My brother was bitten in exactly the circumstances you describe. Absolutely YANBU.

They have told you to fuck off, OP. They've just done it in a passive-aggressive way.

I haven't read all the posts, but I just wanted to say that actually it's not always the parents that make children scared of dogs. My DS(1.9) is terrified of dogs, no-one else in the family is the slightest bit scared, nor have they ever shown any nervousness about him going near them, and yet he screams and wants to be picked up whenever there is one near. Personally I try to have him exposed to dogs whenever possible to try to get him less scared, but I think that if my family knew he was nervous and still refused to keep dogs away from him then I would be quite upset with them.

ADishBestServedCold my DC are nervous around dogs - not flappy, just a bit wary as none of our family have dogs. If we visit friends with dogs, they usually notice the DC quietly trying to disappear behind me and say, Oh, I'll just shut Rover in the kitchen then.

Ditto the friends who have cats, which I am rampantly allergic to. Despite my protestations that it's not actually the bloody cat I'm allergic to, it's the fur on the carpets/sofa/etc; out goes Tiddles. Which is hospitable though fairly unhelpful.

What slithytove said, essentially.

Not identical, but I have a friend who is uncomfortable around cats. Not scared, not allergic, just uncomfortable. So I shut them away when she visits and I have never ever been asked to do this but I want my friends to be comfortable in my home.

Equally, my lovely friends who have dogs have all asked "can reggie / wins ton / Alfie come in" when I have visited with DS, taking into account that new mothers with children who aren't normally around dogs, might need to become comfortable with the idea.

It's just the nice thing to do, people come first!

lucy the OP has made it clear that it is her DC and DH who are scared of dogs, not her. She has respected that and made a request which has been perceived as neurotic.

So for you to "feel sorry for the children of the mother" is badly placed, as she has not caused their fear. She is just trying to manage it as any good mother would.

Or would you advocate chucking them into a garden with a dog known to be aggressive, and a lovely juicy burger? Just so no one feels sorry for them?

YANBU OP.

I see you have friends who actually offer to shut their dogs out if you go round, LapsedTwentysomething.

Does that mean that a household's dog(s) not being in the same room as your children is a general requirement of yours, or do your friends have dogs that snap, too?

If you are in family homes, do you have an issue with any of their dogs being around, or is it only in the home of the dog that snapped?

Their response IS 'fuck off it's my house and I'll decide what to do'. Which makes them shit family members who don't give a toss for you or your DC. Stop going, and don't have them round.

zeezeek your response is typical of dog owners who are defensive about their animals and who are "biter apologists" ime.

To be honest, she shouldn't need to ask, it should have been offered. A responsible dog owner would never allow a dog who had already tried to bite a child to be wandering about free in a situation where it is likely to be chaotic and children are being encouraged to walk about with food in their hands.

zeezeek then you are an irresponsible fool imo. The dog tried to bite a child. There are no circumstances that make that ok. The dog should be destroyed and if the owners can't take responsibility then they should be banned from keeping animals

Hmm, afraid my response would be fuck off it's my house I'll decide what to do!

The dog should have been shut away.
The way to "ask" would be "as your dog has tried to bite a child it will need to be shut away when my kids are at your house"
You could flower it up if you want to.

lucycoco - so you don't think a dog that tried to bite a child should be shut away?

Maybe it was more about how you asked rather than the fact you asked IYSWIM ?

Obviously, I have no clue how you asked, it's just a suggestion.

YANBU
DD1 is very nervous of dogs, she always has been.

I get really cross that some people seem to see this as a great personality flaw and try to convince her that their dog is lovely.

It may be lovely, but DD hasn't come to visit your dog, she's to play with your DD.

Please stop looking DD1 is 16, she's been BFs with your DD since they toddlers, you have always had dogs. You must know that DD just about tolerated you big old cuddly one, but she is not happy with small and bouncy dogs and never will be.

Of course ya bvvvu.
You should be putting the feelings of the dog owners (whose dog has already tried to bite a child) and maintaining the status quo, above the safety of your children.
Why would you be worried about one of your kids being injured, maybe scarred for life when the bigger problem is that some dog owners are offended?
You should be ashamed of yourself.

They are fuckwits. Obviously. Sorry about your mum.

I would never take small children to a family gathering where there would be a dog running loose that had already attempted to bite another child so YANBU.

We have a rescued JRT who is nervous around small children and growls if they approach his crate. To my knowledge he has never bitten anybody but there is no way I would take the risk. If children visit the house, he is in his crate in the utility for the duration. That's for his protection as well as theirs.

Children won't become phobic because someone shuts away a snappy dog. However they are very likely to end up terrified of dogs if they are allowed to wander round with food in a chaotic environment like a family party where there is a dog with a history of aggression. It's a no brainer!!!