For rejecting contact with my father because of racism towards my partner?

I know this thread is old but I also have struggled with this same issue for the last 5 years. My dad is racist. My partner is black and my daughter is mixed. We haven't spoken much since I told him I was pregnant almost 3 years ago. I told my family to not share photos of my daughter or talk to him about her. If he wanted to know her it needed to be through me and he needed to change his ways. My daughter is now 2 and my father has been very apologetic and changing his ways. He has begged to be apart of my life and her life. But my partner absolutely refuses. To the point it has now caused a problem with our relationship and I was basically given an ultimatum to cut my dad off and never fix our relationship or my partner will leave me if I want to forgive and mend fences with my dad. My heart is broken and I have no clue what to do. My partners mom treats me horribly and hates that I am white but he refuses to say anything to her and I'm supposed to just deal with it. I'm not allowed to their house so when my partner goes over their with our daughter I have to stay home. I am upset and hurt. I tried talking to him about this and he tells me I am weak and stupid a dumb b*tch and a lot of other disgusting things.

Hear him out?!!

I, d be avoiding those people from now on...

Sad that your dad is still in a segregation mind-set.

My son, s dad is black. My parents were dubious but that had to do with our (shakey) relationship really... Did split up but anyway...

They absolutely adored him (both now sadly passed on). Most parents come round in my experience.
Thank god you, ve got your mum on your side.
Hope his family is too, sorry if you, ve slready mentioned that.

Get your dad to have a look at Mixed Nation on Facebook - Ha!

You are an adult, but - I know it doesn't even need to be said - be careful with how he is around your dc. You don't want them picking up negative messages within their own family.

Not unreasonable - wish my now ex partner had cared about me enough to stand up for me in this way! Good for you xxx

Well then I would definitely try not to cut him off if he is otherwise decent. He comes from a completely different era and it sounds as though he can be "updated" in that his views are rooted in ignorance and small mindedness, not hatred or evil.

Well, look. It's all very well for strangers to claim they would disown fathers for similar, how can we or they prove it?! He is your dad. If you had a good relationship before this then I would suggest a talk. Simply because either that will sort it out or will solidify your feelings.

It will be a hard talk. But you might feel better to try than have a regret later. It's all very well going nc on the internet on a forum but real life it will take strong intent and determination. And that means being sure.

I'm not suggesting this might not alter your relationship, I'm sure it will, but you might feel something is salvageable in some way that you are comfortable maintaining.

Racism is quite common amongst the older generation. I know someone whose mum was horrified about her having a black DP. When she got pregnant, her mum was in complete denial and would not tell any of her own friends about her own impending grandchild because she could not accept her dd's dp being black. Once the baby was born, her racism seemed to evaporate and she adored her mixed race grandchild and accepted her dd's dp. I know this is not right but eventually the racist GM was no longer racist. Do you think your dad might be like this and that there is some hope? That is, if your dad is an otherwise decent person?

Hmmm tricky one, well not tricky that he's a prick, but in other ways.

First instinct would be to cut him out, mainly because you will always know that he holds those thoughts and that is about your child, which will hurt far more than about your partner take my word for it.

BUT in my own case my parents reacted badly to DH 16 years ago due to his religion, it was full on DM stuff "they sell your children to pay debts, you'll be burkad in no time" kind of shit.

But it was kneejerk and because of no exposure (tiny mining / farming village), over the following weeks I saw books on islam creeping into our house, questions being asked and fair credit to them them educated themselves, met him and we are all really really close. They absolutely adore our children and have done a total turn on the whole thing.

So is it likely he is kneejerking and can genuinely change? Only you know. If he can't, and I do mean totally, not just "accepting" but coming to embrace then cut him off as when I think about BNP supporting arseholes looking at my children with any negativity it makes me want to rip their eyes out and you don't need that in your own family.

A grandparental bond can be pretty strong, he might love your child and feel deeply ashamed he thought otherwise. Here's hoping.

YANBU OP

Unless he has a complete change of opinion very quickly, highly unlikely, then he will at some point use racist language either about or directly too your DP and DCs.

YANBU. at all. Poor you though. Congrats on your pregnancy.

YADNBU.

He sounds like an arse.

I'm white. DH is black. I would cut out anyone from my life - family, friends, whoever - if they expressed this sort of view. As would my DH.
No time for it.

YANBU.

Well, it is pretty non negotiable and if your dad wants to play happy families with you and your future child, he needs to sort his head out. Else, you should cut him out. His views are outrageous, outdated and undefendable.

What ? We have to "hear out" racists now ? Fuck that.

Do you mind me asking but which has come first the dislike or the racism? Have you seen this before? I can't believe he's suddenly developed it after say 50+ years....

Maybe dad thinks partner is a total loser and the racism isn't the cake it's the cream and cherry? To me it sounds like petulism; he's an idiot I've told her he's an idiot argh argh argh argh she's not listening finally he's so idiotically worked up he's throwing insults? Yes incredibly stupid. Yes incredibly hurtful. But maybe also not entirely accurate either. Dunno. Just trying to offer an alternate view than dads a total racist, go nc, which is possibly what you feel presently....

I have cut off an uncle and his obnoxious gf for their ridiculous racist comments. Especially as one if his cousins is married to a philapino girl and his kids are mixed race

Your father is an arse!!!

Hear him out ? really ? So he can justify his racist views ?

Nah I would be going no contact and cutting him out of my life

YANBU, he sounds racist so it's probably best to avoid him

If my parents did this to my DH, I'd be livid.

As it is, DH is mixed, and they would both be liked "Oh, he looks more X than Y", like one was superior than the other. Race Y has some negative stereotypes, and my parents would spout them now and again. I pointed out that he also looked a lot like Y and got mistaken for purely that quite often, and they were like "Oh! I don't see that, he looks like X to me" like it was a compliment to ignore an entire aspect of him. I asked what was wrong if he did look like Y, and that their grandbabies could indeed look half Y. Suddenly it's been how great Y is and every now and then a positive article about something a Y person did. They meant well.

Yeah, you better tell your father his grandchild is going to be brown, so he better get fucking used to it. I'd be really hard pressed to speak to my parents again if they said something like that, at least for a while. That isn't even an insult towards your DP so much as it is towards your child. Talk to him on your own time, let him know how badly he fucked up.

Does he know you're pregnant? You don't need to hear him out, but he will have to adjust pdq if he wants to know his grandchild.

So what is he going to think of your mixed race child?

It isn't that your relationship is unnatural it is because your P Is black.

Complete and utterly wrong.

You don't need to him him out he was pretty clear. You don't need that attitude toward your child.