To NOT want my husband to have a makeover and dress as a woman?

I find it so very sad that when men want to wear something pretty instead of the drab uniform they have been assigned by society, they get labelled as some kind of deviant.

Women's clothes are lovely. Why shouldn't men want to wear them? Why is it absolutely fine for women to dress in shirts, jeans and boots without anyone giving them a second glance? There's no such thing as a female cross-dresser, there's just women in dresses and women in trousers.

It's sexist crap, and comes down to the basic premise that women are inferior to men, and men are somehow "wrong" or degrading themselves if they like women's things.

It frustrates me no end that the term "cross-dressing" even exists, let alone that it only applies to men and it's seen so negatively if men want to break free of their limited clothing choices.

Open your minds, folks. It's just clothes.

Most women who find out their husband is a crossdresser do stay together. There are far far worse things they could do. The Beaumont society has lots of good resources and a group for wives in such a situation.

He won't be able to stop. He will say he will but he won't. The older children will probably not care - if they have left.

So either accept it or don't. Many women find a way to accommodate it - such as having them go to clubs or events. They cope and the man finds an outlet.

Most crossdressers are heterosexual. They just want to - for whatever reason dress up. And it is true that a lot do go for a more "stereotypical look" of what they have in their heads.

There is an interesting Radio 4 show on Iplayer called the Change where a wife is in your situation and how she copes with it - as do the family

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00nmtwl/The_Change_Series_1_Birth_of_the_Blues/

But like I said - he can't help it. And it will not go away.

You see, I would see the makeover thing as like going to evening classes in Italian. He's interested in dressing as a woman, it's his hobby, he has been given the chance to get better at it. He is interested in the expert advice, the make up, the dressing style.

Whether that means he wants to go more public will I expect not come from the makeover. It might come from the stage of life, kids grown up, less reason to be discreet.

Chat to some people in that society. Personally, I would rather my DH did private cross dressing than went to ultra-masculine things like pole dancing clubs and watched a lot of porn. Thes something very humorous and creative about cross dressing.

Though not as a little girl ith a dolly, Grayson perry creeps me out and is pottery is shit too

I think there's a possibility being overlooked: the frills, adornments and skirt may be signs of the chap's wanting, deep down, to dress as a scotsman.

Or a greek soldier.

I also wonder if, at the root of the problem (if problem it be) is not the urge to dress as a woman but rather the urge to not be the man for a while ie take a break from being the provider/stronger sex/etc. Women struggle with 'traditional roles' a lot so it's not much of a stretch to imagine men doing so, I feel.

Bela - you are describing drag, not all crossdressing men are in drag anymore than all crossdressing women are drag kings, and not even all those in drag are as those described. Drag isn't about imitating women or thinking that when they're doing in something most women aspire to be, it's about creating a parody of society's portrayal of ultra femininity and a conscious comment on gender for entertainment and fun. Drag kings do similar, but men dressing as women is so shocking that it gets more press. Crossdressing to pass as a woman is very different from what you're describing though some people do do both (I have) and this is what it appears that the OP's husband wishes to do.

Katie4u - You appear to be having a very strong emotion reaction to this. I don't really understand it but I'm on the opposite side of the coin as a genderqueer individual who has done crossdressing both to pass and as entertainment. I don't see how him getting a makeover will make it much more public, presumably it will done in the privacy of a studio and then he'll come straight home, the only person being adding in the know is the artist and they already know if he's asked them about it. It's a bit of fun and it could make him happy. I'm not sure where you expect this to be going (crossdressing is not related to sexuality), I'm guessing you fear this moving into day-to-day or full public domain and that it will have a backlash against you or your grown children. That's obvious an important discussion point to you. YANBU to not want this for fear of reprisal and a serious discussion on how he can do this safety if you feel this is a serious cause for concern in your area, but I do think you are being unreasonable to not try to understand how your obvious disapproval (why do you have to leave the house? why does he need to do this alone except for the sexual experiences you seem to have enjoyed) could be affecting your husband. Your lack of understanding of why he wants to do this is part of the barrier - he doesn't want to be your sister, your portrayal doesn't even sound like someone who views themself as a woman, he just wants to dress in what he sees as feminine clothes and obviously wants to share it with you and enjoy himself in it. I just don't get the problem, I don't think I could remain married if there were such a division between me and my partner or if he felt embarrassed of me.

Yes dinna and it IS possible to cross dress without being really extreme about it.

I mean dressing like a woman would usually just mean wearing skinny jeans and a vest top!

I think like a PP said, its if he wants to dress as a characater of a woman that the problem comes in and more so if he wants to dress like a characature of a 'little girl'.

I think you deserve a pat on the back for your approach to this. Many women would head screaming for the hills with this one I think

If my DH started this I would stay with him. I love him and would do my best to understand. I would feel like I never really knew him though and it would come as a monster shock to the system. I agree with others on here. It depends how far he wants to take it and now the cat is out of the bag, he may feel free to let it go much further than he would had it remained hidden.
I went to the supermarket yesterday in mens jeans and a unisex T shirt and my undies are not of the frilly variety so mmmmm...it makes you think doesn't it?

geckos

'better than golf'

I would right down a list of the questions I had about if if I were you.
and get him to answer them, might help you understand his mindset a bit better.

I went to the Mardi Gras in Australia a few years ago and there were so many guys there dressed up as women (not girls, women) who were there with their other halves. I spoke to one guy called dave in a stunning sparkly ball gown and he told me that he only dressed up and went out of the house this one time a year and that she came to support him.

From talking to her it wasn't really her bag of chips but 'its better than golf'

I think it would be good if you could find a place, annually, where you could go and support him in this venture. I can understand now that the kids have grown up he wants to explore going out as a woman a bit more. I would want to have a few different converstqaions if it were my fella.

I would want to know:

Do you want to BE a woman? Or do you want to be a man dressed as a woman?
Do you want to do this regularly or all the time?
Would you be happy with say once a month doing a role play in the home and annually going to a party outside the home?

Because actually, whether YOU like it or not, if its something that he wants to do then that should be something you find a way to fulfil for him as a couple. I agree with a PP that the whole 'adult baby, wanting to be a little girl' thing is disturbing for different reasons and I would take exception to that.

But men wearing womens clothing? Quite common on the Sunday morning of a music festival, look at Paul o Grady for role-play and Eddie Izzard just for a guy who likes womens clothing.

Of course you are entitled to your feelings on it, but perhaps not to let your feelings on it mean that he cannot explore his own creativity in this respects.

YANBU OP - you have every right to express your feelings if his proclivities are making you uncomfortable. Personally this would be a deal breaker for me.

What's vile is not the actual wearing of "female" clothes, it's the way they all seem to want to look like some kind of pantomime dame with totally exaggerated femininity, like some hideous characature of women, it's hugely insulting if that's how they actually see women.
As for Grayson Perry, there's nothing "nice" about a man traipsing about looking like some Paedophile's wet dream, he looks like some hideous painted doll and he frightens children, I've seen him in the flesh and he looks extremely creepy, carting a teddy bear about looking like Pippy Longstocking, "disturbing" is the right description of him.

This is not an AIBU question, it's a bunch of personal questions.

I don't think what your DH is doing is disgusting, disturbing or worrying in the least. It may lead to him wearing women's clothing more often but I don't think this is a bad thing to do or that it would somehow pervert your children. They are just clothes and he enjoys wearing them.

However, I appreciate that you are in a difficult situation and his decision to dress as a woman is an odd one for you to understand and support. Why not talk to other partners who may have been through a similar sitution?

I think asking "Why does he need to dress as a woman?" is similar to asking "Why does it bother you that he needs to dress as a woman?". People have all sorts of needs and feelings that are not possible to rationalise or make go away by an effort of will.

Personally I think you should focus on his good character qualities. The fact that he is lovely is not going to go away when he wears a skirt, if he is a good father he won't become a bad one by wearing a bra, if you love him you love him for who he is not what he wears.

I was married to a cross dresser. It was difficult.

I find Grayson Perry disturbing.
A man dressing up as a little girl is just very disturbing, especially when he says he attracts lots of offers of sex from women.
I don't think he is national treasure at all.

OP: I'll post more tonight.

You don't understand why he feels the need, but he just does. Just like you find men attractive. It's presumably not something you can control. I think it's fine for you not to participate, but clearly this is something he needs. I think you need to try and negotiate some middle ground that you're both tolerably confortable with.

Can you find it in yourself to embrace this, enter into the spirit of it, go with the flow and humour of it and have fun together with it? It's what I do with my DS who is a mini-Grayson perry!

Beaumont society. Been through it a million times before, all very normal there.

MyBaby, you are a nasty piece of work, aren't you? I hope you aren't bringing up your precious children to be so blinkered. What if one of them announces one day that he cross dresses?

I find these dressing agencies a bit odd, if I'm honest. I have no issue with anyone of any sex wearing whatever clothes they like - the whole idea of gendered clothing is a farce in any case. The bit I find super-creepy is that women (usually young slim gorgeous) put a lot of effort into turning men into stereotypical females, and reinforcing gender roles. I get that a lot of guys go there wanting to know how to pass, but really, the whole thing smacks of reinforcing gender, rather than breaking the whole thing down.

It makes me cross.

Anyways, the Beaumont Society is deffo your place. I'm sure your dh found them years ago.

While calling it vile and sick is a it extreme, personally I would find this the ultimate turn off and simply could not fancy a man who felt the need to do this. I think the OP has been remarkably tolerant, but this sort of thing always seems to escalate, and would be a deal breaker for me.

MyBaby that's very harsh.

I honestly don't get why anybody would object to an adult choosing to wear clothes associated with the other gender. Women wear "men's" clothes all the time, so what's the problem if a man wants to wear a dress?

It's in private, he's respected his wife's wishes, and he's not hurting anybody. Calling him vile and sick is just bigoted.