To NOT want my husband to have a makeover and dress as a woman?

Really Pendeen? I thought it should have been more along the lines of "me, being the woman who loves my husband, I felt I could accept this aspect of him...".

"Me being me, I felt sorry for him."

That is very generous of you, I hope I could be so forgiving.

OP, YADNBU.

I guess I don't understand why this bothers you so much. I can see that it does but I don't understand why. He still loves and desires you, he isn't going to leave you to live a new life, from everything you've said he isn't a neglectful or cruel husband. He just likes the look and feel of women's clothes - I can understand that. I am wearing a long swishy shirt, a tight-fitting top and a big colourful scarf today - I love the feel of the silky skirt fabric, I love the flamboyance of the scarf, I love the fact that the shirt accentuates my waist. Usually I wear leggings, short dresses, big cardies or waistcoats, or jeans but sometimes I like to wear something more feminine or dramatic. And I can. Men aren't allowed to. And that is unfair.

Katie, we all get to that life stage when we realise that there will be no magic wand, not all that much "tomorrow/next year/one day" and so those things that matter to us, matter more. As mid life crises go, this one is much nicer than many. He still loves and respects his family. He just has always wanted to play this part, if you like. Explore another persona, as actors do.

What about you? I think you also deserve a treat. What have you been putting off and being unselfish about all these years? Not as revenge, you understand, but as recognition that you both deserve to be kind to yourselves and do the things that have had to wait before.

Not knowing your family, if I had to guess, I would say that he would rather not throw everything away by making this about casual sex with strangers or even about a very public appearance as a woman. If you can let him explore this in a safe territory, without undermining your marriage and your life together, I think you will make the man you love very happy.

This episode is relevant to you.

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00nsnhx/The_Change_Series_1_Over_the_Rainbow/

His wife has just found out.

I find men in drag disturbing. I would prefer if my partner wasn't a cross-dresser. However, it'd be more important to me to accept him as he is. Much as I dislike the idea of him wearing make-up and women's underwear I'd hate the idea that my limitations would make him feel ashamed and feel as though he had to hide away something that was important to him being him.

Cross posted with you, op. I guess he means he'd be thrilled because being approached by a man would mean he's mastered the female 'look', and not that he'd want anything to happen? Have you shared your concerns that you're worried about his sexuality? Could he be bisexual? In which case you have nothing to worry about!

I think he means he would be thrilled to 'pass' as a woman.

Lots of sensible advice from annie, orlando and others.
The idea that his desire to cross dress has to be a dirty little secret, kept from the rest of the family, etc, is all rooted in our fundamentally sexist culture.
Think about the different types of women you know. Some are ultra feminine and love wearing dresses, jewellery, etc. Some love make up. Some like wearing smart or fashionable clothes. Some, like me, are much more comfortable dressing like men. Not literally- I'm not trying to dress as a man- but I like comfortable, practical clothes like jeans, trainers, t shirts, jumpers etc. Am I expected to keep this a secret, done only at the weekends in the privacy of my own home? No! Because of sexist double standards.
Surely men vary just as much as women in how they want to dress, but it's considered some sort of problem if they like feminine clothes.
Well done on supporting your DH. Keep talking, and do some reading up- coming fom the viewpoint that society is the problem, not your DH.

The best thing you can do is speak to him about your confusion and fears. It will be good for both of you :)

The thing about those places which do a professional makeover are that they tend to have "stereotypes" - the nurse, office worker, school girl - where the outfits seem to be ...sexy / tarty and a bit of a fantasy.

Taking more risks - what do you mean by that? Do you think he wants to be "caught"?

It's true that it is much harder for men when it comes not just to clothing choice but even things like shaving legs and having long hair. The worst thing a man can do is look like a woman or even act like one (as far as society goes).

The clubs are a good outlet. If he lives near a big city, there will be one. I think people would be surprised how many men do "cross dress". It will help him and is a safe outlet as he can get dressed there.

Also, what Herrena said - that was a much more sensitive version of my thoughts!!!

I know it's not exactly the same, but imagine if you were expected to always wear dresses & skirts, and not to wear trousers.

It sounds like a really hard situation for you both to be in, OP. You're not comfortable with his cross-dressing, and he wants to be able to do it more.

My gut says that he should be able to dress however he likes, and should be able to have this makeover and not be judged for it. But that's a very black and white look at the matter. He will be judged; by you, by people who see him, and by association people will judge you.

My probably-over-simplified thoughts are that you and he need to have a talk about this. More of a talk, as it seems like you're already talking about it. You need to find out what he wants; does he want to be able to go about everyday life dressed in 'feminine' clothing? If so, then you need to decide whether that's something you can accept, and if not then what you're going to do about it. It doesn't seem right that your discomfort should stop him from being happy/relaxed in how he dresses. But it also doesn't seem right that you should feel uncomfortable in your house/relationship.

Really sorry you're having to deal with this; must be very upsetting/confusing to have to deal with.

This thread makes me sad.

I blissfully forget that some people are still made so tortured and unhappy by this.

I can honestly say it wouldn't phase me in the slightest to be with someone who was transgendered on any level.

In the same way that when I brought my first girlfriend home, my mums complete non reaction gave me the security in myself to not be screwed up about preferring women.

This doesn't have to be a dirty secret.

Please do get in touch with Beaumont or your local lgbt network.

Then have a frank and sensitive discussion with your husband.

You are his only confidante and your opinion will matter hugely to him, try to be as accepting as you possibly can.
I understand that this is outside your remit of normal but actually its not new. You are not the first nor will you be the last.

Good luck op xxx

If bit were my hubby I'd not oppose it but I wouldn't want to be there are see it easier. Very simplistic to say I know but there are aspects of me that my hubby accepts but doesn't understand or share in. We can be all things to all people, even our nearest and dearest.

Many crossdressers don't disclose at the start of a relationship. Because they are scared of rejection and embarassed as society thinks it's "not normal".

LadyRabbit - but don't you think if society were less hung up on men being all manly and it being shameful for them to like "women's things" since they are apparently inherently inferior, he wouldn't have felt like he had to hide it from his wife?

I just think the OP owes it to her DH to think very hard and deeply about where her issues with her husband's dress stem from, and examine her prejudices.

But you've put up with it for 20 years already? Why, if you dislike it so fundamentally?

he is a great provider, he looks after us very well and we have been together a long time

Ah, I see. You don't really like it, but it suited you to turn a blind eye to it as long as he "provided" but now that the kids have left home he naturally wants to go further with his interest.

I'm with the DH on this one. You owe him one.

Fine not to understand something (but we should all at least try to understand that which we find odd), but unreasonable to berate someone for doing something that they appear innately driven to, and is in essence harmless. Perhaps he'd be better off being a "real" man and beating the shit out of someone.
Interesting to write Grayson Perry off as creepy on the back of how he looks (sometimes) - listen to what he says, quite an engaging and empathetic chap for the most part from what I've heard.

It's not just clothes though, is it AnnieL? It's more than that- it's the lack of disclosure in the first place (OP discovered it rather than her DH being upfront from the start) and while gender is performative (if Butler is to believed and I quite like a lot if what she is saying) those of us who are very much engaged with gender as women and are attracted to men who engage with make gender would find this very disturbing. Why should OP accept it? I fully understand it's not linked directly to sexuality but at the same time it is - OP has stated the sex is more uninhibited when he dressed as a woman. On the plus side, he isn't asking her to dress or be different so OP can take comfort from that.

OP I think you have done really well coping so far. Don't have any experience or advice, but you are completely entitled to your feelings and don't have to apologise for how uncomfortable you feel. I wonder if those people who seem more laid back about this stuff would feel the same if it actually happened to them.

I agree with posters who say he's not going to change. You also shouldn't have to change your gut feelings about it all. It's if you can find a middle ground and if you can't then you deserve to be in a relationship where you don't feel there is a very large elephant in the room. It's not your DH's fault he feels this way - it doesn't make him a freak or anything, but it might just make him incompatible with you.

I second those who find Grayson Perry very bloody annoying. I half wonder if it's all put on Schtick to sell his rather duff pots.

I think women get to wear whatever they like so men should too.

I HATE that society judges them more on what they wear than it does women. It is just another way in which women are assumed to matter less.

sexist in the extreme.

I wouldn't like it as a permant thing, I think the occasional lads being lads and acting up is fine because they are doing it as men having a laugh. It wouldn't sit right with me if my dh wanted to wear women's underwear/dresses/high heels as a "hobby"/"fantasy".

A man is a man and as such should look like a man not a women I don't think it looks nice just like I don't think women with shaved heads wearing men's clothes.

Each to their own but I couldn't be with someone like that.