To NOT want my husband to have a makeover and dress as a woman?

I don't know anyone who cross dresses so this is simply asking for information.

I take the point women have far greater choice than men and on the whole men's clothes are less interesting ( although as I'm someone who hates jeans and casual clothes I do think being able to wear a really well cut bespoke suit would be lovely)

Is the wanting to wear women's clothes a reaction to the general drabness of men's clothes or is it the fact it is "women's clothes"

If the former wouldn't the Eddie Izzard/Laurence Llewellyn Bowen/Prince/ Goth style of frock coats, flouncy shirts, silk and velvet, or Jean-Paul Gaultier kilts that aren't just tartan do the trick?

If it's the latter and it's important the clothes are women's rather than flamboyant then I'm finding it less easy to understand.

I mentioned Grayson Perry. I think he's a tremendously talented artist. His recent channel 4 documentary about class and culture was fab and he came across as funny, warm, empathetic and sympathetic. I don't understand his cross dressing but as what he wears is like nothing anyone would wear in real life it seems more like dressing up than a need to wear
clothes made for women.

Letit: OP may not be worried about what neighbours may think.
The fact is that she doesn't like it.

I have great admiration for your friend of a friend.
I also have great admiration for Foster Carers.
But I couldn't foster and I couldn't live with a man who dressed as a woman all the time.

I feel quite sad for you all. Well worth joining the support groups, I'm sure there are a lot of women who feel like you but there are others who have accepted that aspect of their partner, a friend of a friend husband now lives full time as a woman, they are still in love and in a relationship but he feels more comfortable living as a woman. Your kids are adults, as it's been hidden so much it might come as a shock but there is nothing to be ashamed about. I feel so sad for your husband having to squash a big part of how he feels down, like it's a dirty secret. If I found out my dad cross dresses I would be shocked but I would also want him to be happy, be that in trousers or a skirt. Who cares what neighbours think if he wants to go out in women's clothes, life is too short to worry about what others might or might not think

Of course he has control over it. He is an adult, he doesn't have to dress up as a woman, but he wants to.

Some woman have no problem with this and think, well it is just clothes. Other women have a major issue with this.

I think only you can decide how you feel about this. But your feelings matter. You don't have to accept something you are not happy with. You matter too.

OP, I think if you are actually finding this a turn off and feeling uncomfortable already then the escalation may be more than you can accept.

I know lots of women have no problem with this, I wasn't one of them.

With a male friend- no problem. In my relationship- a turn off for me. That's a very personal view though- I tried to be the cool partner because I loved my ex but it didn't work- cross dressing is a turn off for me.

However, if you separate he may well find a partner who enjoys this aspect of his personality. But if its not for you then don't feel guilty. Good luck with it all.

Well that's kind of what I meant. My parents have their own hobbies but they also spend a lot of time doing things together. They have found a balance that suits them.

For op - her dh seems to have a hobby he wants to pursue at the cost of their time together. It's a hobby she isn't welcome to join in or wants to join in. So for me it is an issue of the impact of his hobby on their relationship, not what the actual hobby is.

Tiggy: Many, many women would be very happy to give up women's clothes and all that goes with them: heels, makeup.
Many women wear all that reluctantly because it is expected of them.

I am curious what your experiences of cross dressers are, but apologise if that is an inappropriate question.

I was told off on the 'recreational cocaine' thread when I asked a poster a similiar question.

My XH was obssessive about CD all the time and wanted more experiences as the years progressed.

EverybodysStressyEyed: I think we all hope and expect that when our children have left home we have time to spend and enjoy with our partners, picking up again from before DC time.
We don't expect to be living seperate lives under the same roof, each finding something different to fulfil our lives.

Looking at your last op I think there is more to this than the cross dressing

You say he wants to join a club where they would go out to the theatre etc but he never goes out to the theatre etc with you.

Taking the cross dressing out of the equation, has your relationship gone a bit mundane in other areas?

It sounds like cross dressing fulfils his needs but do you have anything in your life that fulfils yours?

Tiggy is right about obsessive. But the point I was making is that TVs are usually obsessive in the SHORT term. While coming to terms with it.

Tiggy is right about obsessive. How far do you go to accommodate it - even if it makes you feel uncomfortable?

And I think some people might be getting a bit hung up on being approached by a man. I think it just means he would be pleased that he passed.

But the OP does not have to accept it. No one does.

I wonder how many women would be able to give up women's clothes for a month? No heels. No clothes that show any figure. Men's jeans, shirts, coats etc. No make-up. Short hair. It would drive most of the women I know potty after a week.

Imagine 20 years...

Don't you think in a relationship that each partner should support each other? And that that expectation should be there?

I'm sure there are people out there who do have issues that they never told their OH before starting a relationship. It could be drug issues, MH issues, sexual desires, fetishes - loads of things.

Of course he has lied to her. If you understood trans issues, you would get that. He has had a relationship with her and they have had children. She does not have to accept it. And pax is right - some crossdressers can take it to an extreme whilst others need to do it occasionally.

But the thing you need to understand is - he cannot help it or stop it. Just like any person who has a compulsion.

So the choice is - accommodate it, leave or ask him to stop. But he won't - it will carry on in secret.

I suppose it comes down to how much your partner means to you. And if you love them.

Of course, you could say - if he loved her, he would stop. I bet he'd love to but he can't. That's what trans stuff is like. You have no control.

I would say expectation of support isn't normally it. Hope of support maybe.

Wife hiding things? How about affairs? Applicable to both sexes of course.

Well put, flora.

I dont think I am an out and out feminist, my relationship is probably quite traditional, by today's standards. But I feel decidedly uneasy about many things
(a) how katie discovered her DHs preference, not through full disclosure, but when they were fully into their relationship and committed with a child
(b) the fact she is making a big compromise now on what she feels comfortable about and what she has believed her marriage has been all about, to date
(c) her growing concern that this is the thin end of the wedge, and she doesn't know where it will lead in the future
(d) her DHs admission that he would enjoy being approached by a man

Katie, please follow your instincts and take time to get support from one of the groups who can help you work through your concerns.

orlando I think it's a feminist issue because of the expectation of support from women to men. Can you give me an example of where this might occur for a wife hiding something from her husband?

pax I'm sorry I x-posted with you several times. You have been at the coal-face of this issue and I have not. Your experience far outweighs my vies and I entirely respect your experience. Please keep posting, your posts are much more important than mine.

Re the selfishness: After decades of keeping something bottled up, there is the tendency to froth everywhere when your bottle is open. A Transvestite who decides they don't want to pretend to be 'normal' any more may bang on and on about it for a year. It passes as the novelty of freedom grows old. Many become a right pain in the arse for a bit.

And men can be selfish about anything if they're that sort of person. An obsessive transvestite comes from the same sort of place as an obsessive videogame player, or obsessive train enthusiast, or obsessive bagpipe player. It's the obsessive bit that needs addressing.

florafox

Is it a feminist issue or a relationship issue? If there was a situation where a wife had kept something hidden, but then wanted to express it - would you have an issue?

It's a relationship issue - not a feminist issue as a man could be asked to accommodate his wife's needs.

Depends why he would love to be chatted up.

How many women on here would love it if they were in a bar and Huge Jackman/Peter Andre/Gerrard Butler/Barry Chuckle tried chatting them up? He may have meant it would be a massive compliment and he would be flattered.

And men need to be comfortable in their relationships and not feel they have to repress an important side of themselves.

Relationships and people change over 20 years. Just because the couple felt they were compatible 20 years ago doesn't mean they are still compatible. Sometimes there is nobody to blame when a relationship breaks down.

Mewmeow: There is a big difference between being extremely tolerant of all trans issues and finding out that your DH is a cross dresser and would love to be chatted up by a bloke.

He is not the person she thought she had married.

OP doesn't want to see her husband dressed like a woman.
She doesn't want to chat about makeup with him.

orlando I don't recognise you (maybe you've name changed) but this is not about "trans issues" . That would be about the husband's issues in dealing with his life and the causes and consequences of his behaviour. I have not been talking about that. I have been talking about a woman's response and the pressure put on a woman to accommodate whatever her husband might expect her to deal with.

Full disclosure: I am a feminist and I care about women - their role in society and their role in relationships. I want women to be comfortable in their relationships and not feel like they need to accommodate any old thing their partner desires in the name of unconditional love or inclusiveness.

Not fat!! * gay! Ffs

Having read your latest post I don't think Yabtoou. I was going to say you were before fully understanding how confused you are and how hard you are trying to embrace his lifestyle.
I don't think it's something that should be hidden or made to feel like a dirty or wrong thing, but I can understand why in our current society where everyone is so keen to put labels on everything that you would feel that way. I think we are very much in a transitional period on the this issue as a whole. We know it's wrong to judge someone for something like this yet we can't help but do it. This is what progress is supposed to be for, a hundred years ago a woman getting a divorce or a man being fat would've been met with the same
Just try and keep talking about it, keeping it all in the open and accept that it's something I can't help/change as its part of the package of him and what makes him happy. Good for him I say, we should all be tolerant of people displaying 'deviant' sexual indentites, the more we are the better for all of us in the long run.

I lived with a cross dresser for 30 years and totally agree with FloraFox.

I can have all the understanding in the world, but may not want to give unconditional love to someone whose own needs totally outweigh my own.

A wife does not have to give unconditional love. Full Stop.
I gave unconditional love for 30 bloody years and nothing got ever better.
My needs were always bottom of his list and they stayed at the bottom of his list.

Life on my own is lovely.

Flora has articulated this far better than me.