To NOT want my husband to have a makeover and dress as a woman?

Most women wear trousers. It doesn't turn them into a man and most don't wear them to embrace their inner bloke. In the same way a man dressing in a skirt doesn't turn into a woman.

I always thought that cross dressing was separate from wanting to be the other gender, but I am not so sure now.

It would certainly make sense if we could all wear whatever felt comfortable. As a man I've thought on really hot days why I couldn't wear something like a toga. That need not be feminine, just cooler. After all, Roman men wore them. I've also seen men in kilts and that doesn't look feminine at all.

So is the point about cross dressing, wearing bright, soft, loose clothes or is it always about looking like the 'other' gender?

What would happen if it became common for men to wear short pink togas and women long blue ones. Would some men want to wear a long blue one simply because that is what women were wearing?

Totally agree Rachel. I find it really annoying when people say about "butch" women "why do they feel the need to dress up like that?" I say "because those are the clothes/style that makes them feel happy and comfortable....they're not trying to be something anymore than you are". It befuddles me that it offends some people so hugely that others transgress those supposed gender barriers. Or maybe I am just someone to whom that ambiguity is attractive but to others it's not....I don't know!

LibraryBook: No, it's not just the "silkiness and sheerness of the drawers". It's the whole feel of wearing a pretty dress or a nice skirt and blouse. By definition, a skirt or dress will feel so different to wearing trousers and the fact that the fabric and colours are also so different simply add to their overall "feel". It's very hard to explain, but I just feel so comfortable in such clothes.

Supercosy: Your point is very well made. Please don't take this the wrong way, but your point helps illustrate my view on the shades of grey between "absolute female" and "absolute male". I am a male the loves wearing feminine styles and your partner is a female that prefers a more male style. We are all different and cannot help the way we were made.

It's a funny old thing though isn't it? I'm a gay woman. I like to dress in a very feminine way most of the time, dresses, make up, etc. My Dp is the opposite, she NEVER wears dresses, in fact the idea of her in a dress is a really strange one to her, she lives in jeans, chinos, smart shirts for work and fleeces etc for outside work. It's not a "costume" for her, it's what she feels comfortable wearing and I think she is beautiful.

People do sometimes mistake her for a man. It's a little bit embarrassing for her at times but she is not considered freakish and her preference for dressing like this isn't seen as something to be hidden. Isn't it funny that we have such double standards as a society? I'm not having a go at you OP at all. I can see how this could be difficult in a relationship for some people (maybe alot of people) but I do feel so sorry for men that they are not "allowed" to express that side of themselves without ridicule.

i would find it disturbing if i came home and found my husband dressed in my clothes , he would be shown the door .

Rachel - It's not just the silkiness and sheerness of the drawers though, surely? Otherwise they would make men Calvin Klein boxers in knitted silk and peached silk, and that would satisfy the demand.

Most transexuals appear to dress as a sort of caricature of womanliness.

Absolutely no problem Paxtecum. Maybe I just worded it poorly and I'm glad Oakmaiden picked it up the way I meant it.

Obviously not all men would ever dream of wearing feminine clothes, but again, it comes back to the idea of varying shades of grey.

Oak: Sorry, I think I read it differently, but after rereading it I think you are right.
I think I'm a bit too defensive on this subject!

Rachel: Please accept my apologies.

Pax - but Rachel actually said every man has a feminine side. I would agree with that. Obviously not all men want to express it by wearing feminine clothing.

Rachel: I speak as someone who was married to a CD.
I whole heartedly disagee with your statement 'Trust me, every man has one, but it takes a real man to admit it.'

Are you really saying that everyman would like to wear women's clothes, but only some admit to it?

I'm a little late in reading this Post, but would like to take the opportunity of adding my thoughts, which are based on my experiences as a husband that enjoys cross-dressing.

Firstly Katie, it's very sad that you only found out about this side of her Husband after 20 years. No wonder you're worried and unsure of the future.

I've been cross-dressing from early childhood and can say with some certainty, that this is something that your Husband (nor any Doctor) can stop. It is the way that some of us are born and I look at it as being one of hundreds of shades of grey, between black and white, or between Arnie and Kylie. We cannot help how we were put together.

Over the years, I have met dozens of guys who like to crossdress, some of whom enjoy wearing a skirt around the house while others were actually trans-sexual and have gone on to have surgery. The vast majority are the former and simply enjoy the feel of feminine clothes. After all, they are much more comfortable and are made from much softer fabrics.

I myself enjoy dressing fully as a woman and going out to restaurants or quieter bars, as I am very fortunate in be able to "pass" and not attract unwelcome attention. Whether this is what your Husband eventually desires, I can't say. What I can say though, is that I chose to be totally honest with my wife before I asked her to marry me. She was shocked, confused and we both shed many tears. I thought I'd lost her. That was 20 years ago and gradually, over the years, we have both developed an understanding that has seen me go from a guy wearing a skirt in secret at home, to a well-balanced, loving and faithful Husband who is able to release his feminine side, openly and without feeling ashamed or frightened of losing his family.

I think all that I'm saying here, is that the only way forward is for both to talk to each other, openly and honestly. Try to agree compromises and to understand each others feelings. The Beaumont Society is indeed a great source of information and support for wives. No-one fully knows what the future holds, but I honestly suspect that your Husband is no different to the tens of thousands of other crossdressers in the country, who just want to be accepted as a guy that needs to express his feminine side. Trust me, every man has one, but it takes a real man to admit it.

Wishing you both the very best of luck.

Wow Katie that's a hell of a bombshell. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now. Please, get some professional support for yourself, and talk to your DH about the same for him (individually or together). Trans people are at a very high risk of suicide, and it sounds like your end is far from peachy too. Please don't try and get through this alone - this is VERY big stuff indeed. HUG.

Oh gosh, you are not obliged to be a bystander on this journey he's taking. Think about what you want and what's right for you.

He is living a life without you. And that is the life he wants. Do you think he wants to go out on the town dressed as a woman with his wife? Sounds like he wants to go out as a single woman tbh.

I think you need to have a conversation with him about how he sees your marriage progressing if he continues on this path of his. Please don't feel your role is to support his choices. You have the right to make choices too.

I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Sounds like he wants to take it further, quite a bit further probably if he went quiet when asked if he wanted to actually be a woman. You are well within your rights to think you can't personally keep supporting him in this.

Run fast, run far.

If that's what he wants, then chances are very likely that this happen. Not many couples survive such an event - but some do.

You don't have to. It's likely that a lot of stuff has been bottled up and now it's all coming out.

Tough times ahead.

Gosh, it's all on his terms isn't it? I feel for you op, it's not something I'd be comfortable with.

An important test for what? If it works well, then what is next? I think you should have councilling but alone to talk things through.

Katie: Thank you for the update.
I feel for both of you.
Please remember that it is not your duty to stay and support him if YOU don't want too.

He is looking forward to a life that he really wants to have, whether it is dressing as a woman or becoming a woman.
But for you it is a nightmare.
Don't sacrifice yourself for him.

Best wishes to both of you.

People do change over 20 years - they get older and generally more conformist. I agree with florafox - DH is pushing the boundaries on their agreement and seems to be doing it with little concern for the OP.

Paxtecum's story is really sad - she tried to support her DH, but she was the only one giving, needing, supporting in the relationship.

I have no doubt he will go to a dressing service anyway - regardless of what his wife thinks.

That's the way this works. Secrecy, denial but compulsion. There are many men from all walks of life who do this. And there is a market for it. Some partners know and some don't know.

Why do some men want to do this? A good question. Sometimes sexual, sometimes a fantasy and sometimes because they are so restricted in what they wear and their lives that they want to escape to a different life.

We all find ways of escaping. Hobbies, TV, MN, shopping. Some men need this to unwind and destress.

And grennie - you said he has a choice about whether to get dressed up in female clothes or not because he is an adult. No, he doesn't. It does not work like that.

TiggyD- yes it was a compromise made 20 years ago. However, 1 party cannot just say "well i'm not sticking to the deal anymore" without there being any problems, can they?