Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?

33 replies

Worried3 · 21/10/2013 22:32

In an effort not to drip feed, this may become an essay. Apologies in advance.

My brother and I have a poor relationship, and have done for many years. He caused a lot of strife in the family (he has narcissistic personality disorder and a history of drug/alcohol abuse), and when we were younger this affected me quite badly. We have little in common, and to be honest I don't like him. I don't think he likes me much either.

Examples would include lying, stealing and causing endless worry. When my father was in hospital (admittedly nearly 10 years ago), seriously unwell he refused to visit as he "doesn't like hospital". He was living at home at the time, and didn't lift a finger to help round the house, tricked mum into paying all sorts for him, brought girls home for one night stands (against house rules), and crashed the care while over the limit (then blamed it on dad being ill). Mum and dad have bailed him out to the tune of £10,000's (the last time after his marriage 4 years ago so the could start on a "clean slate"). I know what they do is up to them, and they are as much part of the problem in many ways- but it is mainly driven by my dad. Mum had told me they will not be lending him more money, as they have now agreed this doesn't help him take responsibility and makes things worse.

Anyway, my DD and I have recently moved in with my parents after my soon-to-be-ex H split. I have a new job near to them and am waiting to sort house etc out. It has helped DD settle in to the new changes being near her GPs and living with them has also helped with childcare etc, and DM &DF have said they really enjoys having us around. I pay rent/share of bills etc, and help with cooking/shopping. I also help look after my dad, who has some disabilities as a result of his illness. Mum has also said she has found this has made a big difference. We will move out at some point, when things are more sorted, but right now it suits us all.

Anyway, DB is not happy- he says it's not fair and means DD gets to see more of DM and DF then his DS. Well, this is not new- DD has always seen more of her GPs than DN because I made the effort, even though they lived closer. DBs excuse is he can't drive (but apparently can't get public transport either). He has been asking things like "how much rent do you pay" and generally being arsey- I told him it was none of his business, but if he had a problem with it he should discuss it with DM&DF. He did, and was told it was nothing to do with him. DB and I don't get on, and I don't have much to do with him if I don't have to- we only really meet at family occasions, and I am always polite etc. However, I don't like him, don't trust him and don't want him around my daughter much. I accept that when I'm living in my parents home, they can have whoever they want- so I have always been polite when he visits (which either me or DM have to collect and then take brother, SIL and nephew home again, as they won't get here under their own steam).

My DF is very keen for us to be close, as he would like it to be this way. He cannot understand why I just don't want to. DM does, and agrees that I am under no obligation to be close to brother.

Now, this weekend it was DFs birthday party. DM and I had arranged it all- including getting my grandmother (DFs mum) so she could be there. She was also keen to see DN, as she doesn't see him often (as brother and SIL only visit when either DM or I take them down).

All brother and SIL had to do was to be ready to be picked up. SIL then picks up extra weekend shift, so I am now expected (without warning) to pick her up from work (requiring a detour) after picking my brother and DN. On my way, brother phones to say I will need to go to his PIL house to get car seat as they left it there for convenience- another 15 minute each way detour. When I get to brothers house, he is not ready. He has "forgotten" to get b'day present/card and some other things needed for DN- can we go to tesco on way home (they live 3 streets away)? So yes, I take them. Then go to pick up SIL from work- she wants to take DN into her work to show him off. Although she asks my brother, not me- and I had no idea this was what was happening. I thought she was nipping back up to collect something, Cue a 15 minute wait while this happens- have to send brother in after her. We are now very late for party (need another 35 minutes to get home)- and our grandmother will soon have to leave as she is frail and can't manage being out of the house for too long. She left 15 minutes after we arrived and was disappointed not see more of DN. I also missed spending time with her. Brother then sits and stuffs his face and moans about how unfair it is that I a) earn more than him and b) am living with our parents. Then I had to take him home- but they hadn't been to get shopping- could we go and then use my car to take their shopping home? I said no, cue stoney silence, followed by a moan and accusations that I am taking advantage of my parents, and they are giving me more than him. Then he asks for a loan "as I must be rolling in it".

I am furious- this is just the last straw. I just don't want to see him, ever. I also want DF to understand this- it's not about this event, it's about everything that he has done and continues to do. I will always be polite while he is in their home, at family events etc, and make plans not to be here when he is going to be- but I don't want to have anything further to do with him. AIBU?

Phew, that feels better. Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
aln48 · 06/05/2021 23:20

Aibu? My husband was afffronted when I asked if he could take son to school tomorrow and said he earns 3 times more than me so what is it that I actually do? I take him to school 4-5times a week and also work and don’t sleep well. If I take him husband will lie in bed and won’t get up till 10....

BOOsterseat · 22/10/2013 10:00

Fucking hell! Do you think your DB and my DSis have been separated at birth? I feel for you, i really do. My "D"Sis thinks our DF bankrolls me and DS because we have an "inappropriate" relationship. WTF is that supposed to mean when its at home? I went NC with my DS after that comment 3 Years ago and i know she is still seething somewhere about how unfair her life is.

I have to state that after driving drunk into a petrol station and writing off the car that DF bought for her my "d"m bought her a brand new car because the situation was "embarrassing" for her. No fucker has ever bought me a car Sad

I know its early but Wine for you. I feel your pain.

Original poster
Worried3 · 22/10/2013 00:15

Yes, you are probably right- DF is not unreasonable to wish his children got on (I envy friends who have good relationships with their siblings), but I think he is unreasonable to keep trying to force the issue when I have explained how I feel. It's not just a case of wishing it were different, he actually gets upset when I take DD out for the day if I know DB is going to be visiting, or when I am less than enthusiastic if I know I'm going to see him.

There is a lot of background issues between my brother and I, dating back to things that happened because of him/were done by him, that DF tends to skirt around and pretend don't matter because they were a long time ago. I would say though, that if these things had been done by someone else, DF would be advising me to have nothing more to do with them. Which is just hypocritical.

I suppose the historical problems might not matter so much if my brother had changed, but he hasn't. As he has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, it is pretty certain he won't change either, so his on-going behaviour is just an extension of the last 18 years. Admittedly his behaviour is not as awful on most counts as it was- he is no longer violent or threatening violence, for instance.

I know mum has had enough really- she finds his behaviour very upsetting, and has actually told me she only has as much contact as she does to keep DF happy.

I am concerned about her as she has enough on her plate (she works FT and does a lot for DF due to his mobility problems) without running round after my brother. Which is why I end up doing the collecting/returning bit too, as I think she needs to rest at weekends (she refuses to take early retirement as she says she needs to work as staying at home all day with DF would drive her mad not for financial reasons).

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 21/10/2013 22:57

YANBU but keep your ranting for mumsnet - we don't mind! I get the feeling that it would just upset your DPs to hear it. Wine

AgentZigzag · 21/10/2013 22:50

Don't get hung up on trying to get your DF to understand and agree, it's his opinion and he's entitled to it, but you don't have to agree with him or get him to change his mind.

Your brother sounds a total wanker, nobody wants to have any contact with someone who's so entitled, jealous and immature.

It's great your mum understands though, but try not to drive a wedge between her and your DF over it.

Ignore your brother and just get on with living your life Smile

chainstore · 21/10/2013 22:49

Definitely not being unreasonable. What a creep.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 21/10/2013 22:42

YANBU. But Grin your father is not BU either, when he wishes his children would get on and have a good relationship with each other. OK so this is not going to happen, but I don't think you will ever manage to convince your Dad of that. Just do your best not to bad mouth/rant about your bro where your Dad can hear you, and ignore your brother as much as you can.
It's not forever after all, and if it makes your Dad happy to think you're getting on ok, then that's a good thing.
I will always be polite while he is in their home, at family events etc, and make plans not to be here when he is going to be- Do this, and if you are slick Wink your Dad may never even realise.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 21/10/2013 22:36

Heck, no, YANBU!!!