AIBU to throttle DD???!!

OP, are you having a hard time at the moment or have some unresolved issues from your own childhood? What a crazy reaction, I think you need to see someone about your anger issues. She's 4 years old, you need to keep stuff she can't have away from her.

If you carry on like this all the time throughout her childhood, expect a horrific few teenage years culminating in her leaving home as soon as possible and never wanting to see you again.

Your attitude and behaviour are extremely worrying actually, I hope the responses here make you realise this.

I'm actually reminded of a time when my DS found a bag of chocolate smothered toffee in the fridge and scoffed the lot, aged about 5 (I think).

I only found out cos he couldn't manage any of his tea and then I found it empty at the back of the fridge when I went to get a piece for myself!

I told him off and explained he shouldn't do that. Then I went into the kitchen to hide the fact I was laughing....

Matchpoint, please think about how you respond to your 4yo's behaviour.

I recognise a little bit of my own relationship with my mum in your post. I was a sneaky, greedy, lying chocoholic AND would 'steal' my sister's sweets. My mum's response was to tell me that this was typical of me, that I'm a liar and a thief (at 4....) and would froth about it for days. What I'm trying to say is that she took all normal behaviour for a child very, very personally and gave me the feeling that I was a bad person rather than a child who had done a bad thing.

These things tend to stick and I'm still find it very difficult to deal with mistakes, and have to re-assure myself that making a mistake or a bad decision doesn't turn me into a bad person.

My mum is and was not horrible or abusive but has issues with self confidence. Could this be something you struggle with matchpoint? You have set out a clear rule, your child went behind your back and deep down you feel she has done this to undermine you?

If that is the case, please look at ways to controling your anger and insecurities, because there is a strong chance you will pass them on to her.

Just a few things to maybe look out for:

• Child has done something (minor) - you feel it was done BECAUSE they WANTED to upset you
• still angry hours or even days after the incident
• you remember and bring up old incidents when child has done something new
• labelling small children 'liar', 'sneeky', 'greedy' or telling them it's typical for them to be naughty
• comparing child with other 'better' children
• dismissing child's apology to be 'not good enough'

Please, please, please ask for help if you recognise yourself here.

reception teacher here. Nobody I have ever taught was 'manipulative'. 4 and 5 year olds are intrinsically innocent. even the most challenging children I have taught I would not describe as 'manipulative'. If you think your own child is manipulative then blame yourself for shoddy parenting. Older children who manipulate others have usually been supressed and bullied by their parents/elders or others.

If I was married to someone who treated our children like this, they'd be told to leave.

OP, you are angry, nasty and mean. You ARE already damaging them, and I hope their dad sees this and makes an effort to protect them.

Sort yourself out. NOW. Let this horrible, horrible event be the catalyst your DC need.

Or they will be Stately Homers, for sure.

LineRunner that's just what I thought. I was so grateful that my ds had such a caring and thoughtful reception teacher. At 4yrs old, it's uncomfortable to think they are around people who see their developmentally normal behaviour in such weighted and judgmental terms.

The thing I find strange is that the OP seems to think that what her child did out of the ordinary and it isn't. Her DD will probably do something similar again. Your role, as a parent, is to teach why this sort of behaviour is wrong - over and over again - until they get it. Going batshit crazy at them is not the way to achieve that.

The OP didn't come back then? was hoping she was gong to come and tell us that they had a nice day together today :(

Just read through some more responses. Poor wee girl.

I think most of us on here have been shouty parents at one time or another but describing a little girl in such awful, pejorative terms..manipulative, sneaky, greedy...is indicative of a really nasty mind set and is actually quite chilling.

What an absolutely horrible overreaction to completely normal four year old behaviour.

I'm a teacher. Of 4 year olds. Yes you know your child better than I ever could but my god they're cleverer than lots of parents think. Cleverer and manipulative (as in 'I know how to play mummy and daddy'

When my DCs were 4 years old they had lovely teachers in their nursery and reception classes, fortunately, who didn't seem to think the worst of them.

Thanks to this thread I think half of Mumsnet allowed their DC's chocolate for breakfast today. [bugrin]

I was all ready to defend the OP against the barricade of OTT comments until I saw her remark about bulimia.

I am sometimes Shouty Mummy, but I always end up feeling so bad I resolve to be better and apologising to my children.

I would have been cross too, but I'd have made my son give two of his eggs to his brother to replace the ones he took, he'd have helped clear up and done his 5 minutes in time out. That would have been the end of it, though he might have lost his bedtime story if I was particularly cross/a bad day. I'd never ever be able to leave my child to cry themselves to sleep, I'd have to go and cuddle them and talk about how I forgive them and we all make mistakes and reassure them how much I love them. Sometimes you just have to admit you're wrong and that you're sorry, even to your own children.

I hope you have made up with your dd this morning OP.

You know what I would have done if my 4 year old DD had done this.I would have told her off then I would have laughed about it.

I taught 4 year olds, too and I have a four year old. the punishment was too harsh. being told what they did was wrong and why, and with time out to think about it for a few short minutes would have been enough. leaving a child to cry themselves to sleep is too much.

Manipulative means having awareness of what you want then planning on going round the houses to get it imo. At four years old she's trying it on, pushing the boundaries. I think manipulative is inaccurate and a horrible way to describe a child OR their behaviour.

I read this last night and it did play on my mind as I lay in bed. Very very sad and worrying. OP I really, truly hope you take on board what everyone has been saying here.

Reminded me of something my DD did at around that age. I had baked a cake (a rare event ) and left it on the kitchen counter while I went to do something else. Came down a little later to find DD stood there CRAMMING handfuls of cake into her mouth. I was shocked, but even then I could see there was a funny side. I still laugh now to think of her, frozen, wrist-deep in cake, with "Oh no, busted!" written all over her face . She had eaten about a third of the cake and it was, of course, ruined. But you know, it was my fault, I'd left a very tempting item unattended within the reach of a typical small child. Her reaction was utterly normal, as was your DD's behaviour.
My DD got a stern talking-to and then no more was said about it. Yours was left crying herself to sleep, undoubtedly frightened, heartbroken and feeling as though the world was ending. We are our small children's whole worlds.

Please absorb the overwhelming response to your AIBU

I have just read the OPs posts - what an overreaction.

Sneaking too much chocolate at easter is something lots of children to. Its part of being a child, I found DS sat in my bedroom eating one he had found a few weeks back and had to stop myself laughing told him off and got on with things.

Talk about taking all the eggs off her and other things is a massive overreaction for a 4 year old.

I think that young children can be manipulative. I have a 5 year old sister (big big age gap) and whilst sometimes she can be as sweet as pie she can also be a manipulative little devil - not very subtle or clever about it like an adult would be but I would certainly describe some of her behaviour as such. I wouldn't describe her as manipulative, but her behaviour certainly can be.

I don't think anyone's saying that the 4 year old shouldn't have been disciplined. Most did think that obnly one small egg on easter Sunday is a bit mean. And that the punishment didn't need to be OTT. As I said upthread if my DS had been found in the same situation he would have been told no more eggs today, help clear up the mess and apologise to the siblings whose eggs he took. Maybe swap some eggs around so sibling doesn't get nibbled egg. I would not have got angry (in fact I would probably have had to leave the room while I laughed!)

The denial thing wouldn't have worried me. In fact it's a reassuring sign - that they knew what they were doing was wrong. it's when they proudly come and show you the disaster that you really need to despair while still trying not to laugh

As a fellow teacher (I taught in primary although now in Senior) I am annoyed by your description of 4 year olds as 'manipulative'. That is a horrible, loaded term and I am surprised by your casual use of it with regards to a 4 year old.

Leaving this thread now as I have heard enough.

I can never tell which side people on mn are going to take from just reading an OP question. This one could so easily have had everyone saying lying isn't on and the OPs DH needs to step up and support her in disciplining THEIR child or she should leave the bastard.

Matchpoint - I didn't read your post as that of an aggressive thug mum whose child was terrified of her.

At 4 the OPs daughter is of course still a child but perfectly capable of knowing that taking chocolate when mummy said no is wrong, that lying to mummy isnt ever on and that there will be consequences. Personally at 4 I'd have given her more eggs during the day as it was Easter but thats my choice as a parent. My DD is nearly 2 and had her first ever chocolate this Easter (1 little lindor bunny). How CRUEL am I never to have given her chocolate before. I didn't read going batshit crazy or whatever as shouting screaming throwing eggs in rage. If that's what happened then yes it's an overreaction. If I said i went crazy for the same thing my crazy would have been no shouting but very firm. Punishment .... yes. Not shackled to a chair where she could see and smell eggs but not eat them but removed out of my sight (bedtime..... bed sounds fine) to think about what she had done. Actions have consequences. Taking things your grown up says not to is wrong. Age related consequences. In the morning I'm sure the OP would have had a big cuddle with her little girl, who would have apologised for lying to mummy. I wouldn't punnish further with the removal of iPad because to me they're not linked. Egg related punishment yes. You ate 3 of your sisters eggs so she gets these 3 of yours.
I'm a teacher. Of 4 year olds. Yes you know your child better than I ever could but my god they're cleverer than lots of parents think. Cleverer and manipulative (as in 'I know how to play mummy and daddy' not conning old ladies out of thousands of pounds). OP you sound secure enough to not be too upset about the overload of reaction against your opinion. Just wanted you to know you're not totally insane. Perhaps everyone else had super strict parents who only gave them one cream egg on Easter Sunday so are now eggstra touchy about Easter eggs ;-)

Op, I am really careful about what dds eat, and asked family to keep eggs to a minimum. I canunderstande you wanting to curb excessive sugar intake in a smalll child.

However, I still took them to an egg hunt and let them collect their pretty baskets full. I then let them choose some to keep/eat, and have hidden (out of sight and reach) the rest. If however I found that they had found/eaten any of them, I would assume the fault was mine for not hiding them well enough. I would not be happy, but I try very hard not to shout and refuse to use bedrooms as punishments, and would never, ever, refuse my child love and a story before they go to sleep.

My stomach clenched at the anger and tone of your op. Your description of your dd is cold and hard. Your further posts seem to continue your tough, cold approach. It is never good to get a pasting on aibu, but surely you must get that you need to be guided by your Dh's instincts more, and do some real work with yourself to address the lack of warmth and empathy you feel for your poor, very young dd. It is not normal to describe your own child as you do, nor to be so annoyed by something so minor.

Please, please see this as a turning point. Get help with your expectations and behaviour management. Make a commitment to be a different parent.

Ive also read the thread and share the views of the majority

It's a useful thread because there's so much sense being spoken

Its certainly made me think about how I respond when my dc behave in a way that I find irritating...

At the end of the day, we are ADULTS they are CHILDREN. They are allowed to make mistakes, they have to in order to learn.

Someone earlier on the thread said something along the lines of would you speak to a colleague in the same way if they'd made a mistake. Thats a useful one to remember I think

I also remember the Child Of Our Time experiment - very normal 4 yr old reaction