To be a traditional sahm ??

Kim147 - yes, I had no worthwhile qualifications (I'm working on that now but it's hard) I had no job experience all I had done was volunteering at playgroup. My friends were all intertwined with my husband my best friend was his sister. It's hard. I wish I had worked during my marriage, at least part time to be honest. And even now it's expected that I will do all the doctor appointments, all the days off if they are sick, all the run of the mill day to day stuff and sometimes it's hard for me to get the time off and he just doesn't expect ever to have to take time off because he never ever did and he's not used to it.

It made, with hindsight, for a very unequal marriage, it certainly didn't make for a partnership.

recharge your experience is also part of being a traditional SAHM, sadly. Just look into history. Men has always wanted to trade for a younger model.

I don't buy the 'whatever makes you happy' life motto. That's what my MIL is like and she really really irritates me with her justification on her stupidity with money. (She's a lovely woman otherwise). She would remortgage the house for a foreign holiday, took on hire purchases, buy double glazing with a high interest loan, because it 'makes her happy'. They are now retired and they don't even own half of their house. DH and I are worried she'll lose the house if FIL dies because they can't afford the mortgage with one state pension.

But if money is no objection, then yes, I think many would like to SAH. I think my DH wants to too. He talks about how he'd quit work if he won the lottery.

OP Great you have faith in your DH. I am sure he deserves it. I think what some of the posters are getting at, is the problem with the 'traditional' lens of looking at being a mother and a wife can collide with the 'modern' world. i.e - to expect just the DH to be the one that has to worry about putting food on the table, keep his job, ensure your joint future is ok - can be dangerous and naive. Many of us love cooking, ensuring we are providing our children with great memories of their childhood etc.(behaving in what I think you are saying is a traditional way) but we also want to help provide the income that makes their lives possible, not just clean up after them.

Beaverfeaver Has there been very much negativity towards SAHMs on this thread? I've seen some people pointing out some of the practical issues that may or may not affect SAHMs but the only real negativity has been to do with the concept of 'doing everything' for your DCs rather than being a SAHM per se.

Combatting negativity towards SAHMs by being negative about WOHM's choices (I also saw friends growing up without mothers being there all the time and they weren't the happiest of people.) doesn't really help though, does it? Two wrongs don't make a right.

In fact I actually find that comment offensive and insensitive. But then I have seen first-hand the effect that the death of a parent can have on a small child.

And proudmum - you are 34. When I was 34 I would have written exactly what you did. I wouldn't write it now. Life has a habit of not working out exactly how you plan it.

"Many dual income families have cleaners etc, which could result in their children doing very little."

I know an awful lot of DCs whose parents have masses of help in the house. I just hope that those DCs will grow up to earn as much as their parents do and can afford the same lifestyle, of paid work and expensive play and no chores to get in the way.

What Secondcoming said.

"I wouldn't have minded being an SAHM if I had plenty of money to swan around lunching and buying clothes. And afforded help in the house. Also getting up at the crack of dawn to travel a long way to work and then treck home again and hardly see the DC's wouldn't be great either."

Absolutely!

I don't think that having a SAHM affects whether you can run your own home in the future . My mother mostly worked , I am naturally bone idle. I am good at running a home but naturally lazy. My siblings are all, with one exception , utterly useles at running their own home . My DH mother was always at home , he runs a home with military precision and makes up for my sloth like ways .

Many dual income families have cleaners etc, which could result in their children doing very little .

Amber - if it makes them happy then at the very least I would express my reservations very strongly and I'd tell them to put in place protection for themselves, a separate pot of money that is theirs alone. A "wage" and a "pension" for being a SAHM, if that makes sense.

As far as a lifelong covenant, Avuncular, what do you mean? In my case we were together a long time and I never imagined we would split.

Something seems to be missing from all this -

marriage as a mutual lifelong covenant (i.e. stronger than a contract). This can give a different perspective and a lot more security than many seem to enjoy in UK today.

[Dons hard hat and runs for cover in nuclear bunker ....]

recharge thas awful for you and i sympathise but its not like that for everyone,i would never tell my daughter not to sahm,i would tell them to do what makes them happy.

I was a stay-at-home-mum. I gave up work and did all the traditional wife things. It worked for us. I was happy, he was happy, kids were happy, dogs were happy, everybody happy. (although the kids did have chores to do). Then the younger skinnier prettier flashier model came along and after 20 years I was out on my ownio. It isn't good. It isn't easy. I would never ever ever recommend my daughters to be a stay-at-home-mum. I have nothing. No life. No friends. A minimum wage job which is awful and depressing because I never had the 20years that he had to build a career. It is soul destroying.

I don't think it's necessarily true that children will grow up to be dependent and lack life skills if they aren't given chores. My siblings and I were never given chores and that was quite a common experience amongst my schoolfriends, but we've all grown up to be fully functioning adults capable of running our homes! They were part of the skills you pick up during your student years.

I was a sahm for many years and I have never had a conventional job either, except p/t work as a student, and now I do some work for DH's company. It's a valid choice as far as I'm concerned. My DSis hated being a sahm, although they could afford it - she liked being in the office and returned to work after three months, which of course is fine too.

OP you sound like my mum (who I no longer talk to). She did nothing to equip me for the adult world, and consequently I've spent most of my adult life struggling and feeling confused and intimidated by responsibilities. You are doing your children a great disservice by doing everything for them, and I say this as one of those kids.

It's up to the individual. And it depends on what their life is like. I wouldn't have minded being an SAHM if I had plenty of money to swan around lunching and buying clothes. And afforded help in the house. Also getting up at the crack of dawn to travel a long way to work and then treck home again and hardly see the DC's wouldn't be great either. So a lot of people compromise. What works for some doesn't work for others.

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your Eva ProudMum - I think your NN is lovely - always remembering her.

I can't really understand why some people have given you a bit of a hard time on here. I think those of us who are happier with our own choices can accept more easily when someone else has made a different choice. Whatever works for you all is the way I see it !

I guess I can understand people wondering what the point of your initial post was - (though I think you've said you were just hoping to hear from other SAHM's on MN for one thing), and others who just wanted to advice you that you might need to work one day, or that it would be good for your older children to learn to contribute to family life more.

I hope you don't regret starting the thread but have found it interesting and/or helpful. I think you have to be brave to post in AIBU ! It might have gone differently if posted elsewhere - such as in Chat ?

When I say my own money I mean contributing money. I am happy with the joint account and we both freely use it but discuss big items as and when.

"Then one day DH and me shall move to a sunny climate and enjoy our golden years"

But won't you be on tap to help out your children with their own children? Won't they expect mum to help them out as always? They're going to feel terribly let down to be expected to do it all themselves (unless you have all boys and off course they will expect their wives to take over where you left off).

Giving up your career to stay home and full time parent is a high risk strategy. I was advised against it by my Mum as she had seen too many of her friends left high and dry after their husbands left. My DH and I both work and we are happy that if either of us had an accident or illness the other could support the family. But that's just our decision. I have always been independent and hate not earning my own money although all we have goes into a joint account.

I agree , although to be honest when I am not working the children tend to do more because we all have more time and I am less stressed . In term time it is often quicker to just do it myself .

All well and good if you are all happy however by doing everything for your dcs you are not teaching them anything tbh.

Well we are all different , I don't see any need to he unpleasant or disparaging to the OP because she has made different choices.