To hate it when midwives say "good girl" when women are giving birth

THe mw who attended my 2nd birth used my name a lot and also kept eye contact with me when I was transitional and leaning on the edge of the birthing pool. That was very reassuring. When I told her I was scared, she didn't belittle but asked why I was scared and then helped me rationalise those feelings. She was ACE.

Labour is such a personal experience. As is clear from this thread, some didn't mind what was said to them in labour, others did. Those who didn't mind don't need to understand why it bothers others. Suggesting others are being a bit silly for minding is rude and, well, silly. :)

I can't remember anything my MWs said to me other than "push". Obv. didn't offend me though.

Second time round the MW couldn't have used my first name as she didn't know it until after the baby arrived, as I got to her delivery room 10cms and ready to push.

It was very surreal doing the form filling with her after the birth.

Me and my friends say ' good girl ' for a million different reasons.

It's never bothered us.

But then we aren't all hung up about being disempowered and all that stuff.

It annoys me more when people say 'i knew you could do it' WTF? Well, yes, of course you did, there was a baby in there, It was coming out one way or another?

BeehavingBaby I think detail is always good. I really hate the non-specific "you're doing really well" (although it is far better than "good girl") which can seem really empty and get very repetitive. How about, "your breathing through that last contraction was brilliant" or "that was an intense one wasn't it, we're getting closer" or "that's another one you won't have to do again". Anything that shows you are paying attention rather than just making the right noises.

Also, using her name, it's really powerful psychologically to hear your name, "that's great Jane" , not constantly, but enough to ensure her that she is important and not another faceless patient.

The issue I have with "good girl" is what it says about the dynamic in the room. It's a phrase that belongs to a dog doing a party trick, or a small girl doing something that pleases an adult, not a grown woman bringing life into the world. A lot of people have said on here about the age of the midwife, it implies that the person saying it has seniority, and the person on the receiving end is doing something for that person. In the delivery room the most important person is the mother, she has to be, it is her body birthing the baby, any decisions made are about her body. To imply that the midwife is senior to her suggests that she is not the person who gets the final say on what happens to her body, and that is just wrong.
So yes, it's just 2 words, and some people don't care, but it is anonymous, condescending and suggestive of a "good" quiet patient, not making a fuss or inconveniencing anyone while other people "do" birth to her. If that's what you want, that's your choice, but it's not what everyone wants and I don't believe it belongs in woman-centred obstetrics.

Being called a silly anything would piss me off

I was quite young when I had dd1 (21) and I was called a silly girl and I should have known better to get pregnant I was also told I was being a silly girl making too much noise , It wasn't the most pleasant experience, so I cringe when I hear it yanbu

I wouldn't have given a monkeys. They probably did call me "good girl" - I was too busy having DS yanked out of my fanjo with forceps to give it much thought

Mind you, given I am cat girl I am hardly likely to have minded :)

My midwife said this loads and I loved it. I felt like I was back in school like but it made me feel safe and positive.

A teacher of mine when I was 8/9 used to say "Good woman!" or "Good woman yourself!" Always made us smile, still does in fact

I don't think any of my midwives said "good girl" but then I wasn't listening to a word they were saying so I'm not sure.

As for encouraging things, I suppose that really varies from person to person. I think a really good midwife picks up on the woman's body language and judges how that individual woman will respond to different things. The first midwife I met while in labour clearly had a script and just automatically applied her "comfort" in the same way to everyone - she continued to rub my back as I puked even though blind freddy could see I was cringing away from her. She just took no notice and DH had to tell her to come out of the bathroom and let me be sick by myself.

The second midwife, whom I had shortly after thank god, was far far better. She was chatty at first but then clocked that I needed space and quiet and just shut up. She was there when I needed her, and responded to my questions but was in no way interfering. She was just about perfect. I just remember her presence being reassuring because I felt like she was watching out for me and actually listening to what I was saying (unlike yet another midwife who just wanted to do her own thing and treated me like an inconvenience). I do remember the great midwife saying "She knows what she's doing" to the other midwife which was hugely reassuring because it sounded like she meant it and it gave me confidence in myself.

It's funny you should say this as I was just thinking about it this morning when I called my 2yo a "good boy".

They do it in Dutch too ... "braaf meisje".

What on earth is wrong with "Well done," "You're doing great," or other possibly ungrammatical constructs?

It's a known issue that health care professionals tend to be more patronising towards women. I visited an NHS doctor years ago who was explaining to me what they would need to do if I had a colonoscopy (fortunately wasn't necessary): "We'll put a small camera up your botty." FFS, I was about 30 and so was he! And if he was embarrassed to use the correct terms then he had no business being a GP.

I cannot remember a single thing anyone said to me during labour in the hospital, apart from 'Put your socks on or else you'll get a bladder infection' at which point a contraction unfortunately smothered my question of whether she was or was not an actual medical person with real training, and then right afterwards, her asking if we knew what it was, we said 'girl' and she said 'oh really? Are you sure about that?' with an amused ring in her voice. It was a girl. Why would she think that was funny?

I can't even remember if the midwife said this to me when I had either of my small ones. With the 5 yr old, who I was pregnant with last, I couldn't have told you whether it was a man, woman, alien or trained chimp instructing me what to do.
I certainly didn't take a blind bit of notice of what was coming out of their mouths, I was too busy trying to get the little fecker out.
There's more important things to worry about, in my opinion.

people get fussed by the funniest things!!!!

I think I'd punch anyone who said that to me during birth

YADNBU

dysfuncionaime me too!!!! In fact, when I'd just had DS1, they said 'let's pass him to Mum then' and I actually looked around for my mum before I got that they meant me

RE: good girl - I was up half the night with bloody contractions that lead nowhere again (extensive prodromal phase with DC3 at the moment) and actively told DH to stop calling me good girl.... It was making my blood boil... he it wonderful and meant it completely nicely, but as a phrase, it really, really gets on my wick.

I am not a girl, I am bloody 34!!!

I was called a good girl by an elderly mw with a lovely soft Irish accent. It made me feel safe and secure because she sounded like my long departed nan. I'd rather be called 'Good girl' than 'That's it'.

Some people don't have much to worry about in their lives, if you can get worked up about someone trying to be encouraging and nice to you.

Reading this thread just shows that one woman's words of encouragement are another woman's patronising bullshit.

My midwife was lovely, and she could've called me Nigel for all I knew/cared, so long as she was helping me get DS out (which she did, admirably).

So glad I am not the only one who Wrote in my birth plan do Not refer to me as Mum. As for good girl I have never encountered this in 5 births. To be fair though I go into myself and probably wouldnt have noticed.

LOL @ Lechat's mw!

I had so much gas and air and a ventouse I can't remember anything my midwife said.

Better than one of the older midwives popping her head around the door soon after I'd given birth to congratulate me on 'pushing out a whopper face to fanny' (back to back for those wondering WTF like I did [Shock]

Beehaving 'well done' is nice. My mw also said things like 'you're doing brilliantly' and 'you can do this' ('I can't!' 'But you ARE doing this!') all of which were encouraging and non-patronising. I hate hearing 'good girl' on the birth programmes but I have to be honest and say that I'm not sure I'd have noticed it being said to me in the throes of labour.