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Original poster

To try for a 3rd child in my circumstances...

87 replies

Wicks71 · 04/09/2012 10:14

Name changed.

I am becoming so indecisive that I can't see the wood for the trees sometimes. It's weird as professionally, I make decisions all the time, but I am becoming totally useless in my home life (where to live, schools etc). I realise that I am incredibly lucky and that this is a good dilemma to have so I hope I don't get too flamed for being self-indulgent but I just wanted to see what other viewpoints there are.

I've just turned 41. I have 2 children. At one stage I didn't think this was going to happen at all for us so I do count my blessings all the time. I had my eldest when I was 35 (after undergoing IUI after trying to get pregnant for several years) and I had my youngest at 38 - after undergoing 3 IUIs and 2 cycles of IVF. The 2nd cycle of IVF was a huge success (obviously! She's currently upstairs causing havoc) - and I have 4 frozen embryos. For the past year or so, DP and I have been going back and forward about trying for a 3rd. We've been going round in circles - basically torn between head (counting our blessings with the 2 we have and quitting whilst we are ahead, our age etc) and heart (a BABY!). We'd kind of decided that we were going to leave it - well not really "decided", but the fact that we couldn't make a decision to take the plunge was meaning that by default we weren't doing it, if you see what I mean. But neither of us could let it go and it's occupies a huge part of our head space. The good (or bad?) thing is that we both feel pretty much the same and so it's not a case of one of us desperately wanting another child and the other being reluctant - but it does mean that we've been going round in circles somewhat.

A bit factor for me is age - I'm 41. Part of me thinks its too old but part of me thinks that in this day and age it really isn't. What's the general view on that?

We wouldn't try naturally - it's not worked for us in the last 10 years and also we have the 4 frozen embryos sitting there. Whilst I don't feel a huge moral obligation to absolutely give one of the 4 frozen embryos a chance of life (I mean that the fact that they are there isn't the deciding factor in itself), I do feel that if I am going to try for a 3rd, I should go down that route and give one a chance.

I think that because I'm one of 3 children myself, then it feels like the right number for me. We do have practical considerations about 3 (might need to move house - though we might have to do that anyway, it would probably mean ruling out private schools etc) but none of those seem to be the determining factor in themselves. I'm not massively hung up on private schools - DP was veering in that direction (for kids from age 7 or 11) but last night we both said that we thought it would be mad to let that dictate whether we gave our kids a sibling. I work part-time and would probably continue to do so if I had a 3rd child.

I would say that my biggest concern is my age. I worry about being not only too old to have another kid but also (just to be really morbid!) about being an old mum for them further down the line - ie how long will I be around. A neighbour died last year in her early 40s leave 3 under 4s. I plan to be around longer that that (hopefully!), but it did drive home to me that when they are in their 20s, I'd be in my 60s etc. So different to my mum who had my sister at 21 and all 3 of us by the time she was 29. Am I obsessing too much about numbers?

On the flip side - the 2 year old daughter of one of my closest friends died a couple of years ago - I've been at her side throughout and it's inevitably shaped me too - she says that she feels like a victorian mum now and wants as many as she can. I do now think that if something happened to one of my kids, they'd be on their own. These 2 situations are having a bit impact on my thinking.

Sorry, I've rambled a lot now. As of last night, we are thinking "fuck it", we are going to go for it.

My sister took the plunge a few years ago and had a 3rd at 41 (after having her first 2 in her early/mid 30s). She deliberated over the decision for a bit and ironically says that it was something I said that helped make up her mind to go for it - ie that you might regret not doing it but you are unlikely to regret doing it. Easy to say when it's someone else I'm advising! Should I take the same advice myself?!

OP posts:
ZonkedOut · 04/09/2012 10:47

I have 2 girls who are 3.3 and 1.5. I myself am one of 5. I am 42 now and if I was 10 or even 5 years younger, I would consider another one, but as it is, 2 is great but tiring enough without a baby to add to the mix. I am tired most days and do wonder if I could be a better mother if I was younger.

That's not even considering the risk factors of being an older mother, which don't affect you so much with the frozen eggs.

But it's your family, your call. What isn't right for me could be perfect for you.

honeytea · 04/09/2012 10:45

I would go for it (with a SET to avoid twins.) No one can be 100% sure that they will see their kids grow up but most people do.

I think that struggling with fertility can make you want children in a different way to those who get pregnant easilly, I'm pregnant now with my 1st after ttc for a long time and I still feel that longing for a child deep inside me even though I have a baby in my tummy right now. I feel like some of that initial longing and fear that you might never have a child stays and can be a driving force behind wanting more babies. I want 4 and it is really not going to work for us but it is what I feel is right.

Your frozen embies will have a higher chance of being healthy as they are from your younger eggs.

What I would say is maybe talk about how far you are willing to go, would you use the 4 frozen embies and then stop, it might be sad to finish your reproductive years with a negative test if the FET doesn't work, but the chance of fresh IVF will be much lower than your previous cycles.

best of luck :)

iggi777 · 04/09/2012 10:44

I've just had my 2nd, am 42. My 41 year old eggs worked out fine. I wouldn't want to try again, but if I had embryos ready to use I would think differently about it.

Ithinkitsjustme · 04/09/2012 10:43

I'm 41 and would have another one tomorrow - I've got 5 already (except that my DH had the snip after the last one Sad), I wouldn't let your age put you off.

Original poster
Wicks71 · 04/09/2012 10:40

Birdsgottafly - ha! Fair enough. Though I don't think there is anything wrong with canvassing opinion here as I imagine this kind of dilemma is one frequently faced by other posters.

GoldWithADragonTattoo - I hear what you are saying and it's that that is "head" rational part of my consideration. I don't think the history of infertility is that relevant though. The IVF etc wasn't really stressful (the stressful time was the few years before I got pregnant with my eldest - then we got lucky on the first round of IUI. Any fertility treatment I had before I got pregnant with my 2nd was fine - we were pretty relaxed about it all - partly as we knew I could get pregnant then, and partly as I didn't have that same sense of worry that I'd never have a child. We would have been blessed with one.

It would definitely be a case of "taking a shot" with the embryos. If that path didn't work, we'd both definitely let it go, knowing that we'd given it a go. It's just that they are there - potential babies already sitting there. As one of you says, the risk in terms of downs etc are the risks of my 37 year old eggs, not the 41 year old me. My body is a different issue though. I had 2 c-sections - there were slight complications with the 2nd one. Nothing serious but this is one of the other factors that plays on my mind (and is one of the key "cons" for DP). The pregnancies themselves were fine - pretty straightfoward (though I know that that is not a guarantee of anything in subsequent pregnancies). I could do with being in better shape (losing some weight) too.

OP posts:
GoldWithADragonTattoo · 04/09/2012 10:29

Given you already have two kids and a history of infertility there is no way in your shoes I would be trying for a third at 41. Too much emotional trauma to put yourself and your family through, too much hard work having a tiny baby again and too much risk of something going wrong. Factor in how old you would be before your kids are adult and ready to leave home and there's no way I'd have another. I would enjoy what you have in all honesty.

If you were just in a relationship and no kids I'd say go for it even at 41 but given you already have a lovely family and I would focus on that.

EdMcDunnough · 04/09/2012 10:27

I'm having my third at 39...I always knew I kind of wanted another, and kept everything just in case.

I know now that this is my last. No doubts despite my mother saying, well you might want to do it again in a few years! Ha. No way.

I think the fact that my others are so much bigger has helped me see that a baby grows into a large person and three is quite enough thankyou. (others are 5 and 9)

Also I find pregnancy horrendous. But I do love little babies. This is going to be my last and I am sure of it.

I think if you are wavering, and your heart says baby, then you probably ought to get on with it Smile

I don't think the age thing matters tbh - there are many people having their first at your age, these days.

Gentleness · 04/09/2012 10:24

We'll have this dilemma over a 4th. I'm 38 and half way through pregnancy with our 3rd. They've been quite close together (19mo) and my body hasn't really got itself back together each time. So I would want to be a much healthier 41 than I am at 38 trying for another. My only worry about age is because I've had times of appalling pain with spd and sciatica over the last 2 pgs and the thought of it again, with 3 little ones is a real turn off. If you are in good ish shape and had straight forward pgs, I wouldn't hesitate. I know there are other considerations, but it seems like you've dealt with those already.

LunaticFringe · 04/09/2012 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anonymumous · 04/09/2012 10:22

Don't worry about the age thing. You already have the frozen embryos, so it's not as if you have to worry about the quality of your eggs. Even someone having a baby at 20 cannot guarantee being around to see their children grow up - look what happened to Jade Goody. On the other hand, you could live to be 100, in which case you'd be thinking, "Oh, I could have had that third baby after all!"

Go for it - if it doesn't work, at least you'll know that you tried. Don't waste those lovely potential babies! :)

CrackerJackShack · 04/09/2012 10:19

If it were me, I'd take a shot with those embryos. If one takes, YAy! if not, well it wasn't meant to be. I don't think 41 is too old, I know a couple of women who had oop's babies in their 40's and are doing fine.

Good luck ;)

Birdsgottafly · 04/09/2012 10:17

Not to be blunt, but i think that you should be going for specialist counselling and not canvassing opinion on here.

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