To not give bj to dh when I don't feel like sex?

I do do this occasionally but also occasionally my partner will go down on me with nothing in return. I don't think of it as servicing in our case, I still find it a pleasurable experience and we sometimes just like giving eachother an orgasm!
But I do agree that some couples see sexual pleasure as something for the man and if she can't give him what he 'needs' (on period etc) then she should give him at least a blow job. I think this is horribly degrading, I know people like this and from the way they speak about it they do see sex as 'for the man'.

I agree OP - you definitely shouldn't be pressured into "giving favours" for a DP because you don't want sex at all but they feel you owe them. I used to do this with XP because he'd get all huffy and upset otherwise and I always felt bad but I now realise that was a low level form of sexual abuse/harassment :(

Conversely I do sometimes do oral sex with/for DP when I'm not horny but it's completely different and always on my terms. He would be horrified if I was doing it out of a sense of duty or for any other reason than I wanted to. However, he did say one day that it makes him feel a bit sad that when I do that for him it doesn't make me horny, because if he does it for me then it does. I didn't really know how to explain that because of how it was in my previous relationship I totally switched off from that side of things :( I can still enjoy it, it just doesn't make me horny.

Probably going to get flamed here, but I give my DP a bj if he is in the mood for sex and I'm not, and I really don't mind.

We have a very healthy sex life (well, as much as we can with a 5mo, so maybe that should read we had a very healthy sex life ) but I do have less of a sex drive than he does. On occasions, if he is very much in the mood for sex and I am not then I offer to give him a bj or hand job instead. I can't stress enough though that it is me offering, not him asking. He has never asked me just for a bj. Sometimes he says no, sometimes he says yes. And I don't offer all the time - I just do sometimes because I want to.

I am happy doing it because, for me, I enjoy giving him pleasure and I see it as another act of intimacy and a general part of our sex life.

Rightbugger, I understand what you are saying about 'having respect' etc but I do think that viewpoint rests entirely on knowing that you personally wouldn't enjoy giving a bj if it wasn't part of reciprocal sex. Other women do enjoy doing it, so in that situation it is surely fine and not akin to 'servicing' or 'prostitution'.

However, the OP is definitely NBU. If a woman doesn't want to do anything for a man when he is in the mood and she isn't, then she shouldn't have to. Ditto the other way around. But if the couple are fine with it then it is not wrong, just part of their sex life.

I know Feenie . The only thing that was going in my mouth at that point was the tea and toast.

WTF! feenie REALLY?! i think that is one of the most shocking things i have heard (not sure why really, but just)

How could anyone - including him feel randy at that moment???

Sorry, i will pick up my jaw and say what i was going to now. DP never pesters me for sex but we often have different times of the day which does it for us so there is some give and take. If i can see DP is raring to go then I will offer something because i want to make him happy but don't want full PIV sex (DP doesn't actually like penetration much for specific reasons). For the same specific reasons i don't like BJ's so a hand job is usually on offer.

The same goes for me tho. I have a much higher sex drive so DP often will use a toy on me. I always offer back but he will often say no thanks.

A couple of times we have been very horny when the other isn't and have asked the other to use a toy on us and the other has always been more than happy to oblige.

I think that is less full on than oral. That only happens when we are both having the sex.

Not sure if the above makes sense. sorry.

I still can't get over the thread where a poster claimed she had given her dh a blowjob 20 minutes after giving birth.

I gave a BJ once in 1985 and it made my cheeks ache. So haven't since.

Yanbu OP, couldn't agree more. These women should have more respect for themselves and their partners should have more respect, consideration and love for them than would enable them to accept a sexual favour that they know their partner isn't enjoying. The whole thing is disgusting and really makes me feel sick, if you're not in the mood, just say no - you're a wife/gf, not a prostitute, the two should NOT be confused!

mercifully, i don't have a husband. but my advice would be, do what you want, no more and no less!

Why wouldn't the husband just have a wank?

Op I agree 100%

Maybe the women give the BJ's because they want too and don't mind nothing in return. Maybe the men bully them into it.

I'm in agreement with you on that.

I have never liked giving bjs. Could easily do without giving them if men didn't like them so much, if truth be told. But, I do it because I know my partner likes it. I've never met a man who didn't like it. The turn on for me comes from giving my partner pleasure. That's why I do it. I like to give because he is such a caring and thoughtful lover when it comes to me and what I enjoy. I don't give them so he wont pester me. I would hate for him to not pester me but then again, we are sexually matched. We both have roaring libidos. We can't put each other down.

With my ex husband, sex was no more than servicing him and bjs were as rare as hens teeth. I blamed it on being tired, raising children etc when truth was, we were mismatched and in a relationship that wasn't good for either of us, but the children....

Never again!

Goodness me, TREBUCHET, there's a blast from the past, not seen you round for aaaages, how you doin'? (namechanger from aeons ago here)

Touche! I've never known a man to turn oral sex on his partner down either. But maybe that's got more to do with the men I've known and not that some men do actually turn that offer down.

I saw a couple of friends recently, and confided that I'd not been up for sex since the birth of my baby about 2 months previously. They were shocked, and asked if I'd been performing sexual favours!

I thought about this afterwards, that maybe I should have been giving BJs or handjobs or something. But really, I wasn't feeling sexy at all, and I had enough on my plate without being a sexual bloody servant as well! I really don't think DH would expect me to perform under those circumstances anyway, he hasn't pestered me at all.

In general, I don't tend to do this if I'm not in the mood, I wouldn't enjoy it if I wasn't turned on too. It's not the same as making him a cuppa, is it?!

To me it's simple - it's about the mutual giving and receiving of pleasure.

So YANBU - it's done either when you are actively keen on the idea, or if you are in a frame of mind when you don't mind and are happy to give him pleasure. But that doesn't extend to a time when you do mind, or actively don't want to.

"DH rubs my poor mangled foot every night even when he's probably sick of the sight of it"

But that's not really the same thing is it. I never hear about men feeling forced to orally service their female partners when they're not inte mood. Even if all the female juices are probably good for their skin.

Vanity can be a beautiful thing.

I possibly should have name changed for this but meh!

My MIL showed me an article about a magazine editor's face lift. Part of the proceedure was spinning the protein out of blood to apply to the face after dermarollering. So I got on google and discovered that sperm is great for the skin too. What were those milk baths Cleopatra took?!

So, when I'm not feeling sexy my DP still get's a release while I have a beauty treatment.

It's win-win.

Having said that, YANBU. No one should do what they don't want to do. He can and should take himself in hand instead of predating on you.

I think it's fine, I do it occaisionally. Our sex life is fine and fun but once in a while I think its ok. Sometimes in a relationship I think its ok to do things for each other even if you don't much feel like it. DH rubs my poor mangled foot every night even when he's probably sick of the sight of it. Neither of us do these things with an air of penitance or martyrdom but with love, just wanting to do nice things for each other.

Yanbu. If I'm not in the mood, the last thing I want to do is suck my DP off. I have to be in the mood for anything sexual.

If DH is not up for it, I get him to give me oral sex instead

(not really)

Yanbu