To not give bj to dh when I don't feel like sex?

And what about the second question, Krumbum? If she genuinely doesn't feel it's a degrading act?

Because there's some who'd argue that even a BJ is degrading or PIV or whatever. That's why it's sort of hard to draw a line and say "that's degrading, that's not degrading".

NellyBluth - you made a totally incorrect assumption in saying that my viewpoint 'rests entirely on knowing that you personally wouldn't enjoy giving a bj if it wasn't part of reciprocal sex'. I have no idea why you would think that from my post, and that's not the case at all, I love giving a blowjob, but only when I'm in the mood. Like any other kind of sex, it just isn't something I would do as a favour or a compromise instead of another form of sex (penetrative, for example) that I felt even less like doing at the time. I think it's just horrible that any kind of sex should take place when not both of the couple feel like having it.

If I was horny and dh wasn't but he offered me cunnilingus just to satsfy me when he wasn't in the mood, I would say ew, no thanks! Who would want that?! I'd sort myself out or go without. It's never nice or ok to involve someone in sex unless they feel like being involved imo.

Yellow, mine too! In the beginning we tried gentle sex, but I'm too dry for sex anyway during a period.

Empusa, google sperm cream

I think there's possibly be a level of being 'turned on' which is about enjoying the sexual thrill, enjoying the intimacy, but not feeling a need to orgasm yourself. As others have said during the thread, pleasuring my DP gives me a real pleasure and is something I enjoy and, though the pleasure is naturally sexual as we are involved in a sexual act, it doesn't leave me wanting to orgasm myself. Does that make any sense?

(Ps - sorry for getting your username wrong!)

In regards to the period sex. I can achieve orgasm without penetration and its not just the bleeding, in the first few days I have a very heavy painful period, then it is light and pain free so I imagine I could achieve orgasm and sometime during this part I can get a bit horny.

But when I have myh period I feel fat and bloated. I never feel clean (have 3-4 showers per day during period), my chin gets all sorry, my hair gets greasier, I sweat a lot more. The last thing I feel is sexy. So even though my dh is fine with having sex during my period I don't want him to touch me in that way.

And yes to caramels other question, giving a bj turns me on abut, but I can happily then go to sleep or walk away, I don't feel I need to then achieve orgasm. Maybe that isn't normal but when I talk about this with some of my friends they can just give a bj or say a handjob and leave it at that.

I do think a person can be degraded by a person and enjoy it yes. That doesn't make it right. People get used to being oppressed. There's lots of ways in which women are oppressed that many would claim to like.
Many people like the feeling of being wanted, of someone wanting them so much they don't care about respecting them. This isn't a good thing, but it happens.

"He wanks to completion (TMI?) I use the by product as a beauty treatment"

Wait.. what?

OP YANBU, if you don't feel like it then that's that surely?

Carmel, yes, you've pretty much got how it is with us. Our sex drives are pretty much evenly matched. And it is switched up on high. We're almost 100 in combined ages, so no spring chickens either. I'm still a few years away from menopause, and am dreading that it may effect our sex life.

It's not period pains that kill it for me, my vagina really bloody hurts if I have sex when I'm on my period.

Nelly, I have the same kind of sex whether I have my period or not. I have done in every relationship I have been in. I wouldn't have sex if I had period pains though.

I think the bit I wasn't understanding was people being turned on but not wanting to have an orgasm. I've never been in a relationship with somebody like that, so it is interesting to me and I wonder if those people are more sensual.

Anyway, like I said before, I think we can talk about how bad porn is til the cows come home - it's not going away any time soon. We can still argue against it, but what I think would be more useful would be instilling confidence in women, especially young women, giving them positive examples to follow so that they know that what they want in bed is fine. And that they don't have to do stuff that they don't want to. There are SO many women and girls who feel they have to be a certain way and I believe it comes down to lack of confidence. And that is shit.

There are plenty of nice decent men out there who don't expect anything and don't put pressure on women.

Camel, I see where you are coming from with non-penetrative orgasms during periods, but its not always possible/comfortable to do anything that could lead to an orgasm while having a period. I bleed very heavily, I am not comfortable with DP being anywhere near my nether region when I am on. Nor do I find having an orgasm whilst wearing a tampon comfortable or enjoyable.

In fact, I'm half-intrigued what you are up to

Is it still degrading if the woman enjoys it, Krumbum? Or if she doesn't feel degraded by it?

Caramel-just to answer from my POV, i am going through the menopause. My three day periods are heavy and it is as though my uterus cannot stand being stimulated in any way. It is difficult to explain but it feels like a mini labour. I still want sexual contact and i enjoy giving BJ's, i joke that i have turned them into an artform.

So will do this with my DP, as i enjoy the power trip that comes with controlling the pleasure that i give to someone.

I was happily single for years after being widowed and enjoyed giving a good BJ. I was also quite fussy about having quality sex, though.

We all have the right to decide what we regard as quality sex.

Thanks Damsel, that makes sense. So there are times when just you have an orgasm, times when has as orgasm and times when you both have an orgasm? I wonder maybe if it is because you are both very sensual people so there is maybe not as much of a dividing line between sex and non-sex in your relationship.

My man is happy if and when he gets it at all, as its a choice on my part and he respects that.

I can't speak for women giving oral sex when they're not up for it, I don't think I've ever done it, but sometimes I get turned on but don't want to have an orgasm. Same for my partner. So we might mess around, get turned on, but not go further.

Is that odd? I have no idea.

I didn't say blow jobs were degrading. I said the expectation that women should be jizzed on or in their mouths is. Look at bukkake porn, it's just jizzing but its meant to be degrading. I'm not blaming women here, I don't blame society's victims. I think the attitudes of (in particular young) men are wrong in seeing women as seminal spittoons.

Nope, dont do it as a pacifier, do it if you want to.

Ruby, you've just written the post I think I wanted to write! (Mine didn't come out as clearly).

Anyone being coerced or feeling forced into partaking in a sexual act they don't want to do is very, very wrong.

However, I bet if each poster on here was to the list the things they did during sex with their partner (I'm not asking for anyone to do that!!!) then there would be plenty that other posters hated doing or found a bit beyond the pale.

Yes, too much judgement going on here.

(Oh, and definitely agreeing on period sex - I just couldn't stomach sex while I am bleeding heavily, personally I find the idea disgusting for me and would never be able to relax - but I would not judge anyone who did or believe that they were being coerced into having sex while on their period.)

Sorry, x post with you Damsel.

I think I must just be thick. I don't understand at all.

If somebody is turned on by giving somebody else a blowjob, wouldn't they then want an orgasm? I have never been in a relationship with somebody who would give me an orgasm and not want one themselves. Is this a well known thing? I just can't imagine having an orgasm and then just walking off leaving somebody else turned on and frustrated. It would be like going out to dinner with somebody who wasn't going to eat anything even though they were hungry.

And why do people not have orgasms during their periods, or want their partner to give them an orgasm during their period? Is it because they can only have an orgasm through penetrative sex and don't want to have penetrative sex during their period?

Carmel, I have a very short painful period. I also find my skin is irritable. I don't want to be touched. I don't like to reject my partner and we've found a way that works for us. I lick, suck, tickle and stroke him. He wanks to completion (TMI?) I use the by product as a beauty treatment . I don't want nor do I have an orgasm. Those moments are about his release. It's also my turn to give to him because he's not much of a taker, he likes to give. I see it as a win-win situation. It's not something that happens every month, but most months. We also don't do penetration while I'm ovulating because I don't use a contraceptive, and so the above act may happen on those occasions too, except I do get to orgasm too.

I think it's entirely up to the individual. I think the questions should be 'aibu to not do things sexually that I don't want to do' some women enjoy us some don't, you are always going to get such a wide ange of views if you talk about an act in specific circumstances because everyone has their own variables as to what makes a situation acceptable.

I find there is way too much of this judgment on other peoples choices on mn. If I say my dh and I are happy that doesnt mean I expect you and your dh to be happy with the same situation, I'm just commenting on what works for us.

I like giving bjs, they really turn me on, my dh is absolutely weak for them and I find it enjoyable to be able to give him so much pleasure as well as watching how I can sort of control him during the act. I may not be in the mood for intercourse but I only pleasure him because i want to that doesn't mean I'm degraded or controlled.

Also the period thing. My dh doesn't mind it but yuck I will never have sex when I have my period because I find it gross.

Damsell, sorry if this is a massively personal question and please don't feel under any pressure to answer.

Do you have period pains for the whole time you are having a period, and during the time when you have period pains, can you really be bothered to give somebody a blow job? If I was in too much pain to have an orgasm, I'd also consider myself to be in too much pain to give somebody else an orgasm.