Not to be able to forgive my Sister In-Law

Wonder what the outcome was, would be great to get an update, like a lot of posts, some people ask for advice but never come back with an update.

Yes! And the op never came back.
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I would think these children are in High School by now - this thread is 13 years old

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You are supposed to be happy for her. Not automatically assume malicious intentions.

Heads up - this thread is 13 years old!

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I'm sorry for what you went through.

If I think logically, I know she wouldn't have done it on purpose. She probably just didn't realise that was the day

You cannot hold your SIL responsible for something she was unaware of, nor can you hold her responsible for getting pregnant when you couldn't. If you are struggling to let this go, some counselling may help. But letting this destroy your relationship with your child's aunt- the mother of their cousins- would be the worst thing you could possibly do.

I’m going through the same kind of thing atm, would of never been a right time, and she has been keeping this secret it feels like for 12 weeks that’s if she waited til the first scan. It would of been a punch to the stomach regardless.

If she knew about the operation maybe that is why she told you before not after... She wanted you to get used to the idea beforehand. If you had lost your ovaries in the operation it would have been impossible to tell you as you would have been grieving. I think even in hindsight I would still choose to tell you when she did.

Congratulations!

On the one had she shouldn't have told you the day before the op but it also doesn't sound like she knew you were having it (as you said she should have asked a parent).

How far along are you OP? Congrats!

If i allowed myself to feel this way i would utterly hate every woman who i know who has been pregnant over the last 10 years!

Ive had 6 mcs...i just dont have the room in my head to be angry with folk over what was said and done really i dont.

Please please please, shove it to the back of a very deep drawer and fill your thoughts with what is to come for both you & your sil, there is going to be two babies......cousins!
Its vital that these kids have a happy and loving relationship as they grow up together!

BIG BIG picture.....

Congratulations but yabu!
I think it's easy to out all the shit you've been through into a box and direct all your negative feelings towards your sil for her timing. I don't think her timing is the real issue here. You need to take time and process your emotions. It's hard as your journey resulted in pregnancy () but you still have been on a tough journey u need to deal with.
Hth x

Hi OP, firstly huge congratulations!

Have read the thread and am pleased that you have made contact with your SIL, I think you have to move on now and really enjoy your own pregnancy.

A similar thing happened to me with my SIL. We found out via my BIL that she was pregnant a couple of days after our first IVF attempt failed. I was just devastated, wondering how on earth she could do that to me? The next 6 months were awful, I couldn't bear to see her and it affected the whole family. I feel bad when I look back and think about how my In-laws must have felt - one son desperate for a child and the other one looking forward so much to the birth of his first child. Everyone spent 6 months treading on egg-shells until I eventually got pregnant on our 3rd IVF attempt.

I realise now that my BIL and SIL weren't doing it to get at us at all, they were just getting on with their own lifes. Infact they starting trying for a baby after seeing how long it was taking us to get pregnant and what we were going through, they just struck lucky and got pregnant fairly quickly.

The thing is you can't help the way you feel, it's just such an emotive situation. My SIL had a boy and we had boy/girl twins, there's not much of an age gap and it's lovely to see them getting on together

I wish you all the best for the future x

YABU - the world still carries on going round even though you are struggling to get pregnant

Someone who worked for me told me about her pregnancy on the morning of my first appointment with the fertility clinic.

It was the only time I cried when someone told me they were pregnant (obviously not in front of her).

That was my heart speaking - but my head told me that it was not a zero sum game. That it was great that she was pregnant - and hopefully I would be too one day.

So - yes, of course it hursts. But her world does not need to stop because of your problems.

YABU but I can understand why.

My sister had a similar thing with her inlaws. She had just had a full hysterectomy at 38 and having micarried her only pg 13 yrs ago had to put have with her in law getting annoyed with for not wanting to see her BIL new baby a week later.

It wasn't that my sister didn't want to see the newborn it was combination of not be able to travel due to major surgery but also mourning the loss of the family that they will never have.

firsttime
Well done for making contact with SIL it is hard to reach out like that, I am sure you will both be happier for it. Wishing both of you easy and uneventful pregnancies.

Scholes34 has hit the nail on the head. You don't want their baby- you want YOUR baby. It's the one case where someone getting something has zero impact on the chance of you getting it.

Really difficult, but don't lose sight of the fact that you're in a good place now, being pregnant.

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Our close friends had just found out they were expecting their first baby and we chose not to tell them of our misfortune, as we didn't want to take away from their own excitement and make them feel they were treading on eggshells in our presence. Actually, I went on to realise I wasn't jealous of my friend being pregnant, as I didn't want her baby, I wanted my own. I was eventually lucky enough to have three of them, but couldn't have known at the time that there would be no issues.

Don't be uncomfortable around your SIL. It's time to move on.

Just read your update- well done! And here's something no one tells you- all the prodding and poking of fert treatment makes pregnancy seem MUCH easier :-)

I don't think you're being that unreasonable to be honest. If your SIL had just landed a job earning twice as much as you, or if she was getting engaged and you were single and not happy about it, she'd probably have toned it down/chosen her moment, right? But with the pregnancy stuff it's just no holds barred, and if you're infertile you get very little sympathy unless you can plaster a smile on your face and pretend it's not upsetting to see your friends coo over their kids who would be the age of yours if it worked out etc... f*ck that, really. I lost a couple of friends back in the day when I finished my PhD and got a decent job (and they were still struggling on)... I'm happier with that though than if they were to still hang around with me and pretend to be happy for me and then eat their hearts out if I say something about travelling for work or something that sounds cool.

Still, it would be nice to be friends with her now, right? So you need to think about the circumstances of her announcing it, how much she could have known or timed it better. If your head knows she wasn't being malicious or very thoughtless, your heart'll catch up eventually I think.

I think the difficulty here is when would have been a good time? If your op hadn't gone well, how long after the op would she have had to wait to share her news? There really wasn't a good time for her to tell you.

I do appreciate how you feel. It took us a long time to conceive and every pregnancy announced in that time was a sweet and sour moment for us.

A close friend had a serious operation affecting her fertility when I was pregnant with dd. I was nervous of visiting her but she told friends to tell Carrots to get in here as if I am not going to have my own dcs then I am bl@@dy well going to get a share in hers. I felt it was very brave of her and very sensible too. She has 2 dcs of her own now but I still appreciate her bravery through a horrible time for her. She looked for the joy she could have rather than focusing on the opportunity to feel bitter.

Congrats btw!!!

Yanbu, my sil battled with infertility for years and eventually got pregnant through ivf, I also got pregnant within days of her naturally and was still concerned about her feelings even though we don't particularly get on.

I felt it wasn't fair as she had waited so long to be able to tell people that I was probably stealing her thunder so to speak. When we had our 12 wk scans at the same place and same day we had to tell her the night before as it would have been worse bumping into us there.

She seemed ok about it but I know she would rather we werent pregnant at the same time but i totally understand why.

So I think your sil could have waited a day or two and had some consideration for you. Especially if you were close before.

Just read your update - well done!

Massive congrats!!!

But yes, I think you know you are being a bit unreasonable.....

My best friend is going through similar. She says she HATES people tiptoeing round her and not saying they are pregnant etc, despite it being painful.

Now that you are pregnant, you too will know how exciting it is... I expect your SIL was just really pleased and excited and, as much as she felt bad for you, why should she have to hide that?

My firend's SIL had a baby just a very few days after she (my friend) had a miscarriage. Out of fear of upsetting her, she wasn't told (by her parents in law) that the baby had been born until a couple of weeks after the event . She was appalled that the wonder and joy of a child had been swept under the rug as a result of fear of upsetting her. She was upset anyway and, frankly, that was becasue of the baby she lost, not really becasue of anyone else, even though that made it more acute... is this making sense?

Honestly - let it go. Focus on your happiness now, and hers! You know if she would have meant anything malicious - if you think not, forgive!