to turn my back on my selfish alcoholic friend?

Huh. I am in my 30s. My "best" friend is also gay and also in his 30s. His troubles started around 10 years ago maybe. He's always been a happy go lucky type until his ex fleeced him of 5000 he won after developing septeciema from an abscess. He never quite recovered from it.
Two years ago he lost his mum. He put on a good front but his drinking got worse.
I have autism spectrum and am also ocd. One day, he rings me up crying his eyes out (usual case after a gallon!) Demands I go to see him (turns straight into mr hyde!) So me being me I had to borrow some money from mum to go see me.
He was waiting for me by the gate at 6pm
He was swaying at the gate. In fact the gate was holding him up.
He perked up for a bit but then went on a loop about the same stuff like he's done for the last 5 years ams carried on drinking and by 8pm he was passed out on the sofa-
Told him not to drunk call me and guess who still drunk calls me? So I changed my number
I can't remember the last time he asked how I was it's all gotten very one sided and now i feel toxic.

I'm sorry for my rambling here op but I do hear ya and for the same reason if you feel you need to do it then do it. His family now send him home when he's like that! He refuses help. I've told him I'll only talk to him sober but he doesn't listen. I feel for ya 💯 last time he somehow managed to put me on hold, ring me again so like there was a 3 way conversation going on, ge said he fell over and I said well you best get up then, he said I will in a minute then drops his phone and won't pick up when I call, so no more from me, I've know. Mine 28 years this year and it's an awful thing to go through, especially when he turned round and said he doesn't think I'm ocd because I don't look it! Like what lol

He loves the drink more than he loves anything else - you, his family, or even himself. There is absolutely nothing you can do to help if he won't help himself. It is very, very sad to see and will no doubt intensely upset you. But you can choose to stand by and watch all of this or you can step back and refuse to watch - in some ways it makes absolutely no difference.

I think walk away is the wrong term - detach is a better one. Offer him your love without getting so involved. You can understand and support without the mad dashing about, the lending money.

I think this should be an experience that teaches you a huge lesson - be the most important person in your own life.

You put everything on the back burner so many times for him, put you first.

Well done, op. A hard, hard thing to do, but you've done it.. Burgers sound good for the moment but nothing beats chocolate.

OP I think you are doing the right thing no matter how difficult it feels to do it.
Have been in a similar situation with my brother and tried everything to get him to help himself but he just won't have it. As much as I love him I just have to let him get on with it right now and hope that one day he wakes up and sorts himself out. You have your own family who must come 1st - you know that.

Hope your medical issues improve soon too

Hey OP, You've unwittingly been enabling him. Lending him money, picking up the pieces after every blowout.

He's been using you. YANBU to walk away. Really, you should have done so a lot sooner for your own sake.

OP, been in a similar situation myself.

Only your friend can make the decision to change - no matter how supportive you are, you cannot change the self destructive cycle which he's currently in.

No matter how much of yourself you give - time, ££ -it will never be enough - addicts manipulate.

Take a step back and think of your own needs. Sorry to be harsh

Selfish people can often be attention seeking drama queens but being gay and/or alcoholic doesn't mean that your friend, and others like him, are a protected species and that his selfishness or other inconsiderate behaviour towards you and others can't be remarked upon.

I have one gay friend who I love dearly but that doesn't mean that I fail to recognise that essentially, despite his many endearing qualities, he's totally into himself and his next transitory bumsex coupling.

By contrast I have other gay friends who cottage with gay (no pun intended) abandon, but none of them is as intrinsically selfish as my other friend.

That said, the only way you can go is to follow the path of tough love. Make it clear to him that you'll be there when and if he genuinely decides to turn his life around and you can see that he means it (i.e he checks himself into rehab or similar) but that, until then, you're done.

Stop allowing him to jerk your chain, and encourage his family/other friends to stop being at his beck and call.

Another crossed post. You've chosen wisely -
make it a double burger

difficult and self-destructive friends versus a burger ?

no contest

have a hug, GT x

Cross-post, sorry. Definitely a moot point then!

glittery, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't see why you are making something that you admit isn't really to do with his sexuality, to do with his sexuality! I get that you think he's selfish, but why insist on comparing him to your other gay friends as if to find fault? I'm asking because, as I understand it, some alcoholics will go to huge lengths to blame someone else or make something other than alcohol the problem. The last thing he needs is to feel you have a problem with things other than the alcoholism.

It's pretty clear from your account that he has a major alcohol problem, and it's also clear it is so destructive you need to step away. So maybe this point is moot. But it doesn't sound as if his lifestyle has anything at all to do with his sexuality and is chaotic rather because he's an alcoholic on a chaotic path downwards, than because he's gay. Don't give him an excuse to sidestep that fact by mentioning his sexuality - he'll take it as a reason to think he can ignore what you say about his alcohol problems.

life

GT, I know you love him, but he actually doesn't sound like a very nice person

he wouldn't worry so much about you would he ?

however I don't mean he deserves bad things to happen to him, absolutely not

but his ife is his own to trash

and that is what he is doing, atm

he is using sex as an escape, and to punish himself, to my mind

what he is doing is actually dangerous, and will get him badly hurt (emotionally and physically) one day soon (if it hasn't already)

that is not a gay thing, nor a gender thing...any sex and orientation can use promiscuous sex in this risky and self-flagellating way

He has to be the one to want to change his ways, you can't coerce him into getting help or changing in any way.
YOu sound like you really do care for your friend, but I think you need to stop trying to help help, stop trying to control him. As someone has said, he is not in a position to worry about you, but you need to put yourself first.

You must concentrate of yourself and your family now. What you have been doing would help a normal person, you have been fantastic, but you have been treating him like he is rational and he simply isn't. He is ill; he is an addict. He needs specialised care which you cannot provide.

If you do anything more for him, make it Alcoholics Anonymous; and make that the last thing.

Get yourself sorted healthwise. That's your major responsibility, along with your dp/dh and children.

So so sorry. What a horrible situation.

You have to step away.

But YABU to call him selfish. He's ill. I don't quite follow the long bit about him being gay but not the sort of gay your other, nicer friends are - what was the point there?

My brother is not an alcoholic, having other issues that make him disappear like your friend, but other than that detail I could have written your post about my brother.

I have recently decided that enough is enough and i am no longer prepared to accept a relationship that is so one sided he thinks it is reasonable to tell me he is thinking of killing himself and then going awol for a couple of weeks and not responding to any form of contact at all (and that was the latest in years of similar not a one off). Sometimes I think you have to be cruel to be kind and agree that actually although it won't feel like it, you have reached the stage where you will be kinder to tell him to f*ck off (and why).

It will not be easy and if something does happen to him you will probably feel really guilty but you have done way more than most already yet it still hasn't worked. So you have NOTHING to feel guilty or responsible about - he is an adult and has to take responsibility of his behaviour and its affect on others

Walk away OP. You cannot stop him from drinking and he will be so wrapped up in what he wants for his addiction that he will literally ignore your problems. A bit like "I'm addicted and you don't have any issues as bad as mine, so you're alright" type thing. Supporting him while he is doing this to you and your family is only enabling him to carry on. Cut off any funds and be prepared for emotional blackmail like "I though you were a good friend GT, I guess you're not as good as I thought you were". That's his addiction driving him to speak like that, so ignore it.

As for why you care so much, well, you're clinging onto the last little atom of hope that he'll see what he's destrying around him and change. I'm afraid to say that he'll only change when he's ready and willing to, so until then he'll carry on with what he's doing. As for the rock bottom idea, some people will not hit rock bottom until they actually kill themselves through their addiction. As we know, by that time it's far too late to pick themselves up and get better. The lucky ones are the people who live to make that change and get better.

I'm saying all this as an ex borderline alcoholic. HTH

There's a thing called withdrawing with love. You can continue to love him but you don't have to continue to be in his life. If you do continue to be in his life then you're accepting that these things will continue to happen. So, stay or go, but if you go, go with love and no guilt - you have done as much as you can do. Ultimately, you have a DP and a DC and they have to be your priority.

I think for the sake of your own health, you have to step away

if he destroys himself, your conscience is more than clear

it is shit, and very scary, but he has to take responsibility for his own bad decisions