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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to just be content and not feel 'the pressure'?

62 replies

happy2bhomely · 23/07/2011 09:09

This has been triggered by reading another thread (sorry) There is talk of people being paddlers or floaters.

When I was asked in primary school "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I answered "A nurse or maybe a housewife" I got told off for this and had to change my answer to "Doctor".

I'm now 28, and I'm not ambitious. I'm educated well enough to get by. I am not driven by money and my Husband earns enough for us to live what I call comfortably. We have everything we need and lots of treats, but we are what some people describe as poor. I am a wife and a SAHM to 4 children. I am very content with my choices. I work hard at looking after our (very modest) home and trying to give our children my idea of a happy childhood. I enjoy baking, painting, sewing and reading. I like living a 'slow life'. I plan to volunteer when the kids are all at school, and work part time.

I live my life always asking myself "How do you want to be remembered?" I want to be remembered as a loving wife and Mother, a good sister and a loyal friend. That's it.

I appreciate that some people share my ideas, others have completely opposite ideas and most are somewhere in between. I think everyone should be free to live life their way without being made to feel guilty. If a career makes you happy-good for you. If you like earning your own money, that's great. If you don't want to get married or have kids, then I respect your choices.

My family and in laws think I am 'sad' for not wanting more out of life. I've wasted my life according to them. They say things like "Let's hope your girls have more ambition and live a little before settling down. After all, everyone wants their kids to 'do well' ". I want my children to live how they like. They can be a banker or a teacher or a dancer or a bloody travelling musician....They can be rich or poor, gay or straight, driven or relaxed, have no babies or 10 babies.....I really don't mind as long they are happy and make their own minds up. I only hope that they are not alcoholics, drug users or gamblers, and that they are not violent. Should I hope for more?

Am I being unreasonable to just be happy in my own little world? Not to succumb to the pressure to have a beautiful home, to achieve academically or to be rich and successful? Am I being unreasonable to expect people to accept that I have everything I could possibly want and I'm not striving for anything? Am I a bad Mother for not having higher hopes for our children?

OP posts:
Decorhate · 23/07/2011 09:38

Yanbu, OP. I personally think the secret of happiness is being content with your life and it sounds like you are. Being extremely successful in terms of a high-flying career, even one you love, or lots of money, does not guarantee happiness.

That's not to say that I don't sometimes wish I had tried out certain other paths in life, but more because they sound interesting, not because they are highly paid...but maybe I will do that when my dcs are older...

The only thing I would say is not to rule anything out. Like you, I thought I would only ever work part-time again, but am now working full-time & it is working out fine!

Original poster
happy2bhomely · 23/07/2011 09:34

To be fair, my DH is also very ambitious. He works incredibly hard at a very physical job. He works long hours and enjoys being busy., but he is not 'book smart'. I do worry that our children are getting a very old fashioned example of how a family works from us. The rest of our family is made up of single SAHM's on benefits, working single mum's, working couples with children and without. I think they have a balanced view.

I understand what you mean about feeling empty, but worrying about that goes against my policy of 'floating'! I could worry about all sorts of things, but I choose to focus on the people I have with me right now, because there are no guarantees that any of us will be here tomorrow.

OP posts:
4madboys · 23/07/2011 09:28

sounds good to me and fwiw my life is pretty similar :) when my kids are older i plan on working but probably part time and also volunteering, we are happy, our kids are happy, thats good enough for me :)

catgirl1976 · 23/07/2011 09:25

It is a strong, female role model - .just not specifically in career terms

I said IMHO it was good for girls to have a strong, female role model in terms of careers but it doesn't have to be the mother. I didn't say any other type of mother was not a good role model.

(Although the UCL study the Guardian commented on the other day seems to suggest girls to better when the mother works, but that looks pretty circumstancial at the moment

SmethwickBelle · 23/07/2011 09:24

"I am not driven by money and my Husband earns enough for us to live what I call comfortably".

You are actually driven by money - your situation relies on your husband's income, at least.

ShowOfHands · 23/07/2011 09:23

Oh I am always raving about contentment. If you're truly content than bravo. It's a wonderful state of mind.

And you know what I disagree that you're not ambitious. You work at the life you want. That's all ambition is.

I do sort of understand though. I have some rather sedate ambitions but they're important to me even if other people fail to appreciate them. I've always found it hard to explain why I don't want to do lots of high octane thing, I don't want to travel the world and 'experience' things. I'm truly happy. I love my home, my family. I have plans for the future in terms of work and aims but they're nothing extraordinary at all. In fact they're beautifully ordinary.

I think my Dad struggles a bit because I'm quite clever tbh and if I'd sacrificed a lot of my time, not got married or had a baby in my early twenties, I could be DrShow and lecturing or researching or whatever it's presumed I should want to do. I'd quite like to do a PhD but I don't want it enough to scrabble about for the 10k it would cost me. I always describe my perfect job however as pottering. I'd like to write, draw, sew, take photographs, go for lovely walks and picnics and just pootle about the countryside taking it all in.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 23/07/2011 09:23
upahill · 23/07/2011 09:23

Sounds good to me!
In fact you sound like the perfect feminist - you are making your own choices and are happy with them.

ArmchairFeminist · 23/07/2011 09:21

Catgirl, my kids see me as the boss, head of the house and far more a role model than their dad who simply goes to work!

I run a small business from home, house, land, kids, local volunteer stuff, look after my parents and involved in school.

How is that not being a strong, female, role model? Hmm

fedupofnamechanging · 23/07/2011 09:19

I think your life sounds lovely. There is no law which says we must all be career focussed - fine if you are, but there ought to be some respect for the fact that not everybody is.

In a society that judges worth by how much money you generate, I think it's great that you've managed to step outside of that and say that you are happy as you are and not live your life according to what other people think is important, but what you consider to be important.

ArmchairFeminist · 23/07/2011 09:18

You sound happy, settled and sorted.

I like that. I'm similar - also got four children but I live with a super ambitious hubby! Suits us fine, I do home and kids, he does work.

We're happy! Smile

catgirl1976 · 23/07/2011 09:16

YANBU or a bad mother as long as you are happy and (and this is key) will continue to BE happy once your DCs are all grown up and you no longer have them as your focus.

I have seen a lot of mums (including my own) suddenly feel a bit empty when the DCs have grown up as they haven't really built up much "for themselves" and find the adjustment too much and leaving too big a hole. You say you are planning to volunteer and work part time when they are at school so that should help.

I do think it is important for young girls to have a strong, female role model in terms of a career but that is just my opinion and perhaps you have this elsewhere in the family?