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Original poster

to think the book how not to f*** them up is awful

80 replies

tvmum1976 · 14/06/2011 20:04

I'm sure that this has been discussed a lot in the past (I am pretty new to motherhood and mumsnet...) but have just read this book and find it unbelievably judgemental, sexist, and full of rubbish.
Sorry, had to vent.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 14/06/2011 21:53

He is an arse. What more do you need to know?

Original poster
tvmum1976 · 14/06/2011 21:52

ps thanks for the other recommendations- will have a look.

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 14/06/2011 21:51

I quite enjoy his books and think he makes some very valid points.

itisnotacompetitionyouknow · 14/06/2011 21:51

working9while5 - I am intending to go back to work very shortly, but I do actually believe that my DS would be better off with me at home looking after him rather than someone else. I'm not going to pretend me leaving him is best for me and best for him, because it isn't.

Original poster
tvmum1976 · 14/06/2011 21:50

it wasn't the strong attachment bit I minded. I think most people entering motherhood would assume that would be the case. It was the 'consider the word 'mother' a gender neutral term...' WTF? "mother" is as gender neutral a term as "woman" , the complete lack of acknowledgment of a father's role or responsibility, the concluding chapter : "maybe you should just acknowledge you are being a bit selfish by wanting a career..." (is a man selfish to want a career and children?) the whole thinly disguised 'my mother didn't love me enough and so I am somehow playing the whole thing out as a pseudo scientific attack on mothers generally...'
yuk.
Glad others felt the same way.

OP posts:
working9while5 · 14/06/2011 21:48

You may be able to pronounce on what causes good and bad mental health in kids without doing the research to back it up as a professional, but it doesn't mean much without the evidence.

itisnotacompetitionyouknow · 14/06/2011 21:46

People on here are saying he's not qualified to comment, but as I understand it he has been a child psychologist for many years, so he will have seen many children with many issues, so he probably has an understanding on what causes good and bad mental health in children. He is also a father.

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2011 21:46

Moral of the story: Do not read parenting books.

working9while5 · 14/06/2011 21:46

itisnotacompetitionyouknow: perhaps you should heed your namesake?

itisnotacompetitionyouknow · 14/06/2011 21:44

Oliver James is very much all about the child having a strong attachment to its primary carer in its formative years. That does, in a lot of cases, mean the mother. I don't understand why people get so upset about this. We did know what we were signing up for when we decided to have a baby surely? (Well not quite, it's a hell of a lot tougher than I could have expected, but I did expect the buck to stop with me).

SybilBeddows · 14/06/2011 21:41

I haven't read the book but from the stuff of his I have read, it is probably rubbish. He was awful in interviews. He thinks you shouldn't have more than 2 children because otherwise you will neglect them, because his mother had a lot of children and he thinks he was neglected.

His lack of front-line experience of looking after children shines through.

JockTamsonsBairns · 14/06/2011 21:41

Haven't read Oliver James and, tbh, have no intention of doing so based on what I've picked up on MN. However, I absolutely second the recommendation of Kate Figes' "Life After Birth". I read it 13 years ago amidst the fug of having my new firstborn, and I found it an instant revelation - a totally honest account of new motherhood which helped me make sense of how I felt at the time.

Also, "Mothers, what they do - especially when it looks like nothing" (cant remember the author, sorry), was a lovely read too. Easy to dip in and out of when you get a wee moment to yourself.

Oh, and welcome to Mumsnet - wish I'd had it around 13 years ago! Smile

EggyAllenPoe · 14/06/2011 21:38

and the man has serious ishoos, his every interview is all 'my mummeee didn't luuuuurve Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Me me me!!'

although i am yet to hear him pinpoint anything that I woul consider abusive. That may be simply because i don't go out of my way to listen to his claptrap......

EggyAllenPoe · 14/06/2011 21:36

indeed. i don't want to hear misogynistic BS with no scientific founding written by a bloke who has never done the job of FT childcare himself.

so yes, he is telling me stuff I don't want to hear.

Original poster
tvmum1976 · 14/06/2011 21:33

how so itisnota...?

OP posts:
itisnotacompetitionyouknow · 14/06/2011 21:31

I suspect that a lot of people don't like Oliver James because he is telling you what you don't want to hear...

StewieGriffinsMom · 14/06/2011 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wompoopigeon · 14/06/2011 21:00

Throw! Bloody iPhone autocorrect.

wompoopigeon · 14/06/2011 20:59

The MN consensus, to which I wholly subscribe, is that the man is a total arse. His pseudo science is easily dissected, and as a man he is riddled with ishoos. He was also very rude to our Justine on the radio. Do yourself a favour and through the book out of the window.

PeterSpanswick · 14/06/2011 20:57

Is he the guy who likes to spout off about how working mothers are selfish and educated women are more likely to be disatisfied at home with their children and should therefore admit that they aren't "cut out for this"? Am left wondering exactly who he thinks should be raising children?! And drawing the logical conclusions from the above, he might want to rethink that one!

JoulesM · 14/06/2011 20:49

Try 'Life after birth' as a refreshing antidote. It's a good read and is basically saying mums need to cut themselves some slack. Of all the baby books I read it was my fave (based on historical facts).

Original poster
tvmum1976 · 14/06/2011 20:17

phew! thanks. i started reading it a couple of months ago with my tiny first baby, in the incredibly anxious newborn period. Felt instantly rubbish about myself and my future ability to be a mother to my new daughter. Then it suddenly occurred to me a couple of months later that perhaps it was the tone of the book at fault and not me...?

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 14/06/2011 20:16

I love that poem though.

They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.

nethunsreject · 14/06/2011 20:13

I've read 'They fuck you up' by him and yes, sexist claptrap a lot of it.

EricNorthmansMistress · 14/06/2011 20:12

Oliver James's name is mud on MN :) He is full of sexist shit to be fair. I can't stand him.