Bored by full-time motherhood

I went on a Child Development course yesterday and learnt that in the 1700 babies were bound and hung on peg - obviously their mothers were busy working somewhere - can you imagine? And in Victorian time babies were put in baby farms where they were often drugged to keep them quiet! So I don't think we have anything to feel guilty about wether we send our kids to a childcare setting or stay at home!

My granny had 9 and the older ones looked after the younger ones I often wonder how she coped. I think the children had to help out a lot more with the chores too. and whilst she was working had to entertain themselves with very little!

I think that society in general puts more emphasis on developing children to reach their potential - particularly in their early years and there are 100's of parenting books that tell you how to get the best from them. So it is only natural that educated Mum's see this and try to copy this with their own children.

The idea of your child having the best of everything or being the best at everything is not limited to SAHM's though. One of my friends who works full time is a very intense parent - Daughter has been to all the attractions you can think of, and has lots of activities planned for her to do after school. My friend once remarked 'You want your child to be the best, don't you' - I thought but didn't say - 'well actually I want mine to be happy!'
I have a more relaxed parenting style which doesn't involve spending lots of money on attractions or activities and both of our children are doing great at school.

It is a great thread!

Great thread. The sort of thing Mumsnet does best.

I was a SAHM for four years and nearly went nuts but also feel very lucky to have been able to nurture my little boy during his early years myself.

Now am working four days per week and feel unbelievably lucky to have found work in this economic climate after having taken time out. It frightens me to think about being at home full-time again actually. I very much hope to be able to work to retirement now, health permitting.

I relate to so much of what's been said on this thread - thank you for sharing your experiences.

normant - that makes sense to me.

If we look at previous generations, women who stayed at home didn't have time to parent intensely.
They often had more children.
They didn't have labour saving devices.
They had to shop daily.
There was no fast or pre prepared food.

It was bloody hard graft.

What a great thread.
Ive recently gone from being a full time researcher at a university to being a sahm. When you're used to getting everything done as quickly as possible it takes time to adjust to how slowly things happen at home. To ease the boredom I do cleaning when ds is asleep, that way I can listen to the radio or TED talks (google it, it'll blow your mind), or I ring someone with the portable phone in one hand while cleaning the loo with the other. I had to adjust my perspective, being a sahm gives me the opportunity to learn about things so I can teach my son. He's always asking me things i dont know the answer to. I also never say no to an invitation, so I go out a couple of times a week to see friends. Even if that means it's only for an hour or so. Even so, some days I find myself staring into space like a cat in a litter tray wondering if I can really do this long term.
Excellent post btw threelittleducks. I often wonder if the next generation of women will choose not to have children. I once read that having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face, you've got to be pretty sure you want one in the first place. It's such a taboo but clearly, deep down, some women are left wondering if they made the right decision. I know if my mum could have her time again she wouldn't have kids and she had four!!

I don't think that it is a guarantee that a child feels loved and valued or that anyone sensible person thinks it is a guarantee - but obviously the women posting on here about being a SAHM feel passionate about their role / decision to be a SAHM as do those Mums who work feel their choice is the right one for them and their family.

They also believe they are good at what they do and see the benefits of it- I think that they should be valued for it! After all they do the job that working parents pay someone else £40ish a day to do!

But back to the OP I think being a SAHM can be a bit boring and it is hard work. Stay at home children create a lot of mess and it is your job and not someone elses job to clean up after them!

I reward myself with the knowledge that I am doing a great job with my kids and if I am happy in my role and we can afford for me to not work it is so much better than putting them in childcare for us to buy pointless crap we don't need - lifes to short!

Obviously not everyone can afford to and not everyone wants to. Each to their own. If you are bored by it do something to get you out / use your brain. I volunteer in a school and I make celebration cakes for people and I am currently on a childminding course with a view to offering my services to other peoples kids - no time for boredom with a house packed full of kids!

I think the real problem is that we think about it all too much!

I would agree with NormanTebbit'sresearch. It's the absolute pressure isn't it? Motherhood has transmogrified into something almost unobtainable. We are supposed to be everything, absolutly eveything - and if it doesn't work out it's all going to be our fault!

And you are right BsshBossh - it's certainly no guarantee of pure eternal happiness - mum/dad needs to be happy for everyone to be so. So many people are so happy doing it, but again, some are just not. I always say it with everything - there is never black and white, but various shades of gray.

Xenia - you are also right. Women through the ages have always focused on work and fettered childcare out to others. Look at animals - we probably are the only species on the planet who spend so long solely looking after our children. Others rely on family groups or punt them out when they hit around a year or two.

Too much societal pressure to be everything to everybody all the time.

I dislike the implication on some of these comments that being a SAHM is a guarantee of a child feeling loved and valued. My parents both worked fulltime but I came from a happy home and knew that I was loved and treasured by them both. My DD also feels loved and valued and she's a happy little thing.

Well I think, without making huge irrational generalisations. That intelligent women are able to work out for themselves what works best for them. No one should feel that they are a bad mother for feeling a bit listless occasionally, that just makes you human. Signing off:)

Xenia, I have to take issue with your sweeping generalisations- 'most' women prefer full time working? Do you have statistics to back this up or are you basing this on your own experience as a WOHM mixing with other WOHMs?

Xenia, I have to take issue with your sweeping generalisations- 'most' women prefer full time working? Do you have statistics to back this up or are you basing this on your own experience as a WOHM mixing with other WOHMs?

Why do so many posts here assume that full time with the mother is always the best thing for the children? Why are we so reluctant to accept that a professional child carer might actually be better at some things than us?

To me, having a nanny in the day, and my mum in the evenings and weekends was in many ways the best of both worlds. My mum was always wonderful at talking about feelings and helping with homework. But she was not so good at silly games and making stuff (not bad but not a natural). My nanny was great at that. So I got to play silly games during the day and have cuddles and long chats with my mum in the evening. It was great. More variety than if she'd been a SAHM.

(not to mention, of course, the financial benefits to the family of her working).

God - I would HATE it. I've been part-time/3days for 5 years and on my day off I just feel like a skivvy and I am so so so wound up by tea-time - much moreso than a day in work (a demanding secondary school!).

ChristinedePizan, children need to feel that they are loved and valued. It is unbelievably hard, laborious work running a home. Often thankless. And yes, at times, boring. Any intelligent woman would find menial chores boring. But unless you're depressed (and therefore need help and support, obviously), feeling a little bored at times is a small price to pay for ensuring that your children have the optimum love and attention they deserve.

I was reading some research into 'intensive motherhood,' linked to my studies, and one researcher traced how through the years mothers have been tasked with more and more. It's not enough now to ensure your children are warm, fed and loved. Now you are responsible for their psychological development and them reaching their potential and failure in this quest comes down to the choices you made for them as a parent. Now we are not just parents, we parent in a particular way to get a result - a child that meets our expectations.

This a pressure that I think leads many women to stay at home and cultivate their children in the same way they cultivated a demanding career; child needs the best of everything, school, activities (Mandarin, violin) to fulfil this demand, to
'aid their development.'

Threed, you don't want time to yourself, just you and a friend but you described the same relief that most parents of either sex feel when they go to work. I can remember now (and my oldest is 26) the relief when we went out to work at 7.45am. (She was the baby who never slept) - Just to get on the tube and sit and read for 30 minutes without having her around lovely though she was and is. Loveyl to get back from work to see her of course but we both needed those breaks from her whilst working. The sheer relaxation of being at work, pacing yourself subject to work demands etc etc. Most women are happiest if they work rather than stay at home and they always have.

in all cultures in all times women and men have had help with children. Roman women had slave girls. The Indians in Africa have African servants. My grandmother went to India i the 1920s to be a nanny to a white family there. Victoria women had huge numbers of servants, whetehr they worked or not, poor Victorian women went to work in factories, siblings minded children. Women leave the Phillipines today and their children to work in the UK. Medievel women even sent children off for years to wet nurses. It is teh housewive model which is aberrant and leads to unhappiness not the suggestion that women and men are not made to do chidlcare of under 5s 2/47. They aren't and most hate it and plenty of us find working full time is the better choice.

I must be very strange but I love being at home love it. Had a well paid successful career ( I think in similar field as Xenia) did it for 15 years and hated the hours and culture. If you want boring try reading a 600 page PFI contract through the night . Glad I've done it for financial reasons and proved to myself that I could do it but love the freedom of not being chained to an office and enjoy spending time with the children (though have two relatively easy little girls do appreciate other/more kids can be more challenging). For me the key is hanging out with likeminded people in the days so the children can play an you can have intelligent adult contact, minimal housework and lots of Radio 4. Who knows what the future holds, but no one knows that and cannot live your life on the basis of "what if".

This has made me feel better too. Have had a week of toddler meltdowns, melding with the sofa feeding 4mo and feeling like a spoilt teenager getting frustrated with MIL. It will all feel joyful in a week or so I'm sure. Thank you!

I'm a SAHM, Full time, and do admit I find it a bit of a drudge at times, but I have to say no more than I found full time paid employment. I've built up a good network of friends and try to keep in touch with friends from before the baby years. I'm pursuing my own business of creating celebration cakes, which I can fit round my children. I don't think I could really say I'm bored, but I do miss certain things, like having a few drinks at the local during lunch time. I'd be asleep within seconds if I even sniffed the air of a pub, but that's a different issue.

We all love our children and do what we think is best for them, but if you're bored just remember you were probably bored before, at least there's no comute now.

See teanabickie, I am not at all convinced that a bored, miserable mother is the best thing for children. Or do you think your children don't notice that you're pasting on a smile and desperate for wine o'clock?

I am a fulltime SAHM by choice. It is an often drudgerous and boring lot.

Sounds funny, but I took up sewing, and now I am enjoying myself. I really needed a mental/creative challenge that I could do at home and work in around the kids. I started out making little cute items for the house and now I make dresses and tailored jackets for me, me, ME!

I'm a full time SAHM because the care and development of my children is more important than anything else. Even my own boredom.

[is very interested in bsshbossh's big secret]

Threelittleducks, so while you're waiting for your DH's annual leave to kick in again, book that Saturday morning off now .

smallpotato, good luck with the PGCE. Your childcare costs will dramatically drop when they're in school so you're salary will not be eaten up as much (though as a teacher you'll still need wrap around care I think). We'll be saving £1000 a month (we live in London and our childcare costs are high). But then I'll be dropping my hours considerably as I start pursuing something new (secret) so no wrap around care will be needed either.

BsshBossh, I do have plans for what to do when the kids are a bit older, lots of them! The 40-something bored housewife is just my worst-case scenario, and the thing that motivates me to make sure that is not what I become. I've been trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to do some freelance work while at home to keep my CV looking up to date. Childcare is just the biggest issue for me - last week I was crying with frustration as I was called by a recruiter about a job that would be perfect for me. However it was full time and the salary would not even cover the childcare. My problem is I am overqualified and underpaid - got married and had kids quite soon after finishing my Masters, so never really had a chance to get my career off the ground. As a result the only jobs I am experienced enough for are pretty much graduate level and don't pay enough to cover childcare. And as for finding something part time, that's like the holy grail!

Anyway, I keep coming back to the idea of teaching and I think that's what I'm going to do, there is a flexible part time PGCE I could start next year, when DC1 will be starting school and DC2 will be old enough for preschool - I just need to somehow find a way to get the 2 weeks classroom experience I need to even apply for the course. Yet again, childcare is the issue...

Threelittleducks - it sounds to me you maybe need to make some more mum friends who are on your level? I was pregnant with DC2 when we moved here and i made a lot of effort to meet people, even though I am naturally quite shy... if I got on with someone at a toddler group I would brazenly ask for their number and suggest meeting for coffee, I got involved in the NCT, etc etc. As a result I now have lots of mum friends who I would class as real friends - we get together so the kids can play and we have a laugh together, we don't just talk about the kids and there is none of that competitive parenting crap. Also, how old is your eldest? Is there no way he could go to preschool a couple of mornings? DC1 went from age 2.5, it cost £12 per 3 hour session but it was absolutely worth it. And DH could pay for it through childcare vouchers. Just a thought.

Ah BsshBossh! That sounds magnificent!!

Sadly my dh has no annual leave left until October (his work screwed us on paternity leave, meaning he ended up taking it as annual leave as we couldn't afford the alternative). That's a long long story...yuk. I'm not going through it!
My goodness I long for his annual leave to return. He has one day left, which he is taking in 2 weeks time. It's marked on the calendar with a big X!!
WIll definitely be seeking a babysitter!