Bored by full-time motherhood

iysithia, can i have you as my mum? you sound like the best of sahms - lovely and politically clued up, too. i think there might be a connection...

I'm glad you all posted - I enjoyed reading this thread with all its different views and insights.

Personally I'd find it too hard being a full-time SAHM and I love being part-time. I get enough time with my DD but enough time to myself/my career as well. If you can get a part-time job & part-time child-care then I'd really recommend it.

Night night all.

Im a stay at home mum and I like it.

You need to go out and join some kids groups, and speak to other mums and have a good natter and laugh whilst they play. Arrange play dates for both kids and get some new friends in the process.

Staying at home everyday is just silly, you will drive yourself nuts with boredom. Get off the sofa and go and enjoy your days.

Well if you think a human being's worth is sought in the money they earn and the targets they reach. If the exspanse of material possessions is a measure of success rather than loving and being loved.

This is a capitalist issue not just a feminist one. I find this thread quite abhorrent in places. Not that a mother would find raising children stressful and boring at times but the suggestion that sahms must be 'pasting on the smile and waiting for wine o'clock'

After an abusive childhood I find immense fulfillment and happiness in being with my children. I couln't give a shit about the size of my house, the career ladder or whether people think I am boring or not. Capitalism did not find me happiness. People do, my family.

I have interests outside my children. I write, I read a lot. We are conditioned to believe that we are not valued if we do not get paid. Capitalism promoted individualism which in turn has made motherhood more lonely - long hours at home with small children is demanding.

So Xenia a woman can feel powerful and have self respect and dignity without owning an island. To be able to stroke my son's brow and embrace him when he was ill and frightened and to show them how to grow their own vegetables and cook delicious meals gives me more joy than all the islands in the world.

fellow mothers?oh go suck some falafel.there is no fellow mothers.its not a hippy commune.no one owes anyone any nuggets of anecdotal wisdom.

as thread attests
same are bored shitless as sahm
some love sahm

I think we owe our fellow mothers honesty when we meet them. I had terrible problems breastfeeding, and it was only when I started telling people, they said they were too. Before that no one had mentioned it. Made me and the other mothers feel a lot better and less alone. Let's be frustrated loud and proud. It is hard, so let's help each other

bibbity - what exactly are you on about? a load of random unconnected sentences. what does not having lurked or learnt the meaning of arcane acronyms have to do with job prospects?
this thread has been gentle, communicative, informative and, for the most part, very supportive and understanding.
could you perhaps just, um, go away if you only have inflammatory and overly personal comments to add?

Xenia - mine 'keeps' me because he loves me and he knows I want to be at home with the children and he would rather work so their mother can look after them instead of a childminder. I do what I can around the house but he does a lot too. He would rather I do things with the kids than bung them in front of the telly while I create a show home.

Hmm.

So you posted a thread in Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU)

and haven't worked out what You Are Not Being Unreasonable (YANBU) means.

Fair enough you are new to Mumsnet, but you haven't even lurked for an hour or two?

I don't know why, but I'm a little bit concerned about your job prospects.

Met a mother in the park the other day. We cut to the chase and ditching the 'just met' formalities we discussed how shit it can be at home. We laughed and shared and off loaded. It felt revolutionary ffs. (Xenia will think that's nuts.)
But I wonder if the key to all this is changing peoples' opinions? Spreading awareness that it is actually a job, and hard graft at that. Feeling HEARD. hanging out with bright women. Supporting one another. If one chooses to be at home (or has it thrust upon her by circumstance) I mean. Also a lot of this seems to me to be about respect. We won't get thanks from the kids (nor from the other half) but to never be criticised or dismissed is a start.
I've had some humdinger rows with my DP over this. He had made a few too many 'helpful' remarks about the way the house should be run and I lost it. He's now treading very carefully with the attitude. I think unless you're at home with 3 small kids you don't get to see how unbelievably messy it gets and how self defeating it can be. I didn't really choose it. I was made redundant after second child born, freelanced for a while then had a third (unexpected) child. Since his birth I've had no time or energy to get back into it. And I'm slowly going mad. I'm making an effort to begin working again but frankly I'm exhausted and it is very hard pulling it out of the bag. So I get through these days with great friends, a handful of great women who can discuss these issues and with whom I can have fun (Pimms) with. Some days are easy and fun. Others are dark and gruelling.
We have choices, yes, but someone's got to raise them, no?

Never understood why a man would keep a housewife if she doesn't keep house, though. Surely that's your side of the bargain as well as minding the children.

llf, i accrued an incredible amount of information about cars when my youngest was at home - shapes of wheel arches, top speed and horsepower of various "super"cars. then he moved on, lost interest and, c'est la vie, i'm left floundering in his wake with a head full of useless and boring car info.
i do agree that one of the reasons i find sahm-dom satisfying and yes, fulfilling (although not totally, of course) is that, having an older stepdaughter, i already knew lots of parents, and there was almost a ready-made circle of witty, sexy, politically savvy mums to be with. so i guess i've never associated the role with martyrdom, or losing one's identity, or becoming less relevant within society. that is luck, yes.
re headspace - i just try to take it where i find it. as noted earlier, my house is a bloody mess! but i need to do what i need to do to make myself happy; to nurture and nourish myself so that i can nurture the sprogs. that seems obvious to me - i can't look after anyone if i'm not nourished myself.
sounding a bit hippy here...but it's common sense really.

Wow, for teh most part a very constructive thread with lots of people being respectful of others' experiences and views. Must be a first for an SAHM thread in AIBU! :) One thing I don't think anyone's mentioned so far is luck. For the most part, I found it really hard to make friends with the women I met while on maternity leave - not my fault, not theirs, we just didn't click. In contrast I've really hit it off with quite a few of the parents at DS's nursery. And I've seen one poster on another thread who had the opposite problem - after a happy maternity leave, she couldn't do the school gates thing in a new town. And friends of mine who've been happy as SAHM mothers mostly seem to have a really good friendship circle behind them, so their days aren't just an endless round of housework and toddler games, they include discussions of current affairs/ what they've been reading or watching on TV, mutual interests while their children play.

I also agree whole heartedly with the posters who've pointed out that historically and cross-culturally, the European/N. American model of isolated stay-at-home mother within a nuclear family is a very unusual way to raise children (and also, according to one anthropology book I read many years ago, for many women a very alienating way to live - the route to not being alienated by the experience seems to be to avoid the isolation, hence the importance of friends and headspace).

I really relate to posters who've said "how do you get head space with a toddler"? I have to join in with most of the games - whether it's lego, colouring, trains (all of which I enjoy) or racing toy cars across the carpet (which I detest) in the 3 days out of 7 I'm at home.

I think working mothers and fathers liek the balance. We have many many hours with our children but we also have work. So it's the best option and children do well if parents are happy.

As I said above and the poster about the 1700s fastening children to a board parents have always delegated child care and always will. Also it suits some people very well to chain women at home by suggesting that parental influence is bigger than it actually is. A lot of how our chidlren are is what they are born like and to make mother the whipping boy for all child problems is just yet another instance of woman as eve saint or sinner, the one who led Adam astray in the garden of Eden. Ditch the guilt. Get to work. lead the board and if men want ap arent at home let them wipe bottoms and iron shirts for no pay. If it's that much fun at home let them do it.

"At least I don't have to sit opposite the same person for 8 hours a day listening to her whinge about her boyfriend and talking about Eastenders!"

wait till you have teenagers

At least I don't have to sit opposite the same person for 8 hours a day listening to her whinge about her boyfriend and talking about Eastenders! - Yes, conversations with colleagues at the office are frequently not that stimulating even at a senior management position. I love talking about brand strategy and ad campaigns (my career field) every day and it can be very stimulating but more often than not conversations are quite mundane at work, ime.

I guess the grass is always greener...

Petisa, how weird, I'm also a translator (well, at least that's what I trained as...) I ended up as an editor, and my grand plan when I gave up full time work was to do freelance, but it's a tough industry to get into and I have been pretty slack about it. I never meet translators in real life, we are a rare breed!

Anyway, my new plan is to go into teaching, I'd love to teach Spanish to primary kids.

I agree with lots of these posts - sometimes being a SAHM is boring, sometimes work is boring. I think I sometimes remember the office with rose-tinted glasses, but actually I think I probably have a more varied and interesting life as a SAHM. At least I don't have to sit opposite the same person for 8 hours a day listening to her whinge about her boyfriend and talking about Eastenders!

mumofprincess, that last bit illustrates where i'm coming from nicely. we're lucky in that being a sahm is no longer the default position for parenting. for me it's a choice, taken for its own sake, because i genuinely believe that it's the best thing for my small children. i'm not doing it as some kind of favour to them, which is an attitude that i think is unconscioudly foisted on us by plenty of our parents' generation, for whom things were changing but who were still expected by society to sah. certainly, in my case, my sahm was very conflicted about it, and i believe this has coloured, to a certain extent, her relationship with me.
i don't think it's all right to choose sahm-dom with secret strings attached for the kids. i don't expect mine to thank me for always being there, or even really to recognise how it is for me. the fact that your partner and siblings don't seem to respect or appreciate their mum says at least as much about societal attitudes to being at home as it does their actual relationship imho (and yours with your mum too).
i make sure i hang out with good friends who've made the same choice so that i don't feel to isolated or misunderstood. i thrash the issues out with my partner (who did sah dad-dom for 2 years with his daughter so has an amount of experience, thank god). i do my utmost to make sure my kids don't have to carry the weight of my decision.

Why do people assume that being a SAHM means you can't do anything constructive? To me being a SAHM is not just about spending time with my children, it is also about expanding my skill set. Since I have had my children I have started to take my interest in music more seriously (I have done a few gigs), and become a volunteer at the playgroup I go to. It does mean I don't have much free time but I can see how people do feel like hh maids otherwise. Get out there and find some voluntary work / hobby that fits in with your life - I am sure it won't actually make you less employable in the long-term when you come to find a job.

Lots of us do go out all the time, do activities with them, and do the best we can. We can still be bored - the idea of spending everyday just chatting with friends when the kids play may be fulfilling for some but not for me - what the hell do you have to chat about - world/business issues? Probably not, if you spend all day every day doing kids stuff then thats all you have to talk about. It doesn't give me the sense of achievement at the end of the day and that is what I miss.

Yoga - well I've been practising for over 10 years, know the philosophy inside out but not very good at implementing it consistently to my life. I did have 20 years of being focused on achievement very hard to break.

YANBU! Instead I really admire your patience especialy since you have worked full time for such a long time and landed suddenly on full time SAHM.
Before my mostly waited DD arrived I was hoping to become a domestic godess and perfect SAHM at least for a year-and thats something rare where I live nowdays.( Unlike UK in my country most mums are working and maternity leave is only 12 weeks).Here women get appreciated for doing so many things at the same time and noone is judgemental for not being 24/7 with your children.Anw after 6 months of SAHM I desperately wanted to go back to work,talk to other adults and yes-oh-yes I confess I sometimes waited for my husband to change a nappy! I had PND allthough I adored my DD and felt I wanted to be other things AS WELL AS BEING A MOMMY.Noone expects you to stop being a woman when having children so why do people expect to stop being a proffesional or simply a social person?
One final example:my mom worked 18 hours a day when setting her own bussiness.Yes it was tough for us as a family but the admiration and respect for her was enormous.On the other hand my MIL raised 5 kids as a SAHM.No one of them really appreciates or respects her as a parent and when talking to my DH I get a lot of complains about the neglation on Quality time they had.Yes she provided hot meals instead of takeouts but I guess this gets us back to the quality vs quantity issue... I am sure many alpha-mummies will talk about that!
Good luck!

petisa, thanks for book recommendation. haven't read it (tend to steer clear of parenting books unless they fall into my lap - am too guillable by half), but will look it up. i do plan to write a book specifically about yoga and parenting, but need to have another baby first for research purposes.
i attribute my feelings of freedom to the fact that i made a choice to be a sahm at least as much as to the sahm-hood itself; also to the fact that i really do my best to take full responsibility for that rather than project it onto others in the form of resentment etc. (not that i'm suggesting anyone on here is doing that; just that i recognise that as a constant lurking possibility for myself.) also, i refuse to be defined by any of my roles - as sahm, wife, or whatever, and i refuse to give a shit what other parents might think about our family choices. in fact, the better to explore these issues, i've worked less over the last year. it's interesting to me to see how my self-esteem is tied up with how i think people perceive me in my various roles. i'm enjoying the process of seeing how i feel when people ask me what i do and i reply that i'm a sahm by choice. - not that it's easy; i was mental with it (and other unrelated stuff) last month. (btw, in case mn'ers are reading this and thinking, as i have in this thread, well, easy for you with your clearly-much-larger-than-mine salary, it's actually only because i usually earn so little, and it therefore makes so little difference to our household income, that i can do this.)
also loving this thread.

OP. I'm going to go against the grain a bit and say that you need to be a bit pro-active here and either make the choice to go back to work or try and think of some more enjoyable things to do with your kids. Life is what you make it and if you are bored you need to make changes.
Also going against the grain I love being a SAHM. I had periods when I just had the one when I was bored but now I've got two there never seems to be a dull moment.
I may have found your answer there - I think you might need another preschooler to keep you busy

YANBU as long as you realise that there are some SAHMs who do things very differently and therefore avoid getting bored. What I dislike is people who assume that SAHMs are all happy just being a maid. Some SAHMs actually go out and do loads of things, use the days to catch up with friends and do activities they would not be able to do at work.

Sometimes I am bored when I am with my children. Sometimes often I am bored when I am at work. Luckily I do plenty of both and am therefore not overly bored by children or work! Lots of people get bored, just find something else to do unless you are at work, in which case find something to do and look busy or get fired

Sorry haven't been able to log on all day. Tortoise, don't want to sound arse-licking , but you are one of my favourite posters! (I don't have a stalkery list btw, you've just really stood out to me in posts of yours I've noticed) You're right, it is worrying when you contemplate getting back into the workforce after a few years off as a SAHM. It shouldn't be that way, I mean if you go back to work in your late 30s that gives you 25 years or so to work. That's a long time! Why should 5 years or so out make such a big difference to our careers and salaries? Modern society is so unfair in this respect imo. I'm a self-employed translator when I'm working and I really hope to be able to build up clients again and will do my damnedest when the time comes again.

Fiddledee - re the head space, I guess it's maybe the ages of my dds that give me this - dd2 is 9 months old and I find myself deep in thought about all sorts of things while breastfeeding her to sleep for her naps or at night. My 3 year old dd1 plays well by herself, thank the lord! So I also daydream while doing the dishes or cooking. She also still naps, which helps! I'm VERY lucky to be able to go swimming twice a week and I mull stuff over then too. When I work I do very long hours and my head is just full of work-related language all day.

inanna I identified with your earlier post re the feeling of freedom too. Living at the edge of a wood sounds lovely! I do my yoga at 9pm too! And I have a messy house - visitors and inhabitants alike are always in danger of breaking their neck at any time on a toy! Have you read Buddhism for Mothers of Young Children? I loved it, and loved the idea of a chapter on Zen approach to housework!

Xenia I agree with a lot of your views but not others, and I respect your position on women and work. Your camping experience sounds lovely! I want to get back to work part-time as soon as my dds are at school and full-time a couple of years later, that's the plan anyway, and I do agree with what you say about women giving up their lives for their children only to find themselves with no career or life of their own to get back to when their kids grow up. I think these are extremes though, and also choices, i.e. work full-time from when your dc are still babies or become a mummy martyr and give up your life and hobbies completely. It doesn't have to be either of those scenarios! You can be a full-time SAHM for a while and go back to a career afterwards, difficult and unfair though it may be. It should be easier though in this day and age! Btw some of us like singing the wheels on the bus all day and don't feel it makes us any less of a free-thinking, intellectual, independent, strong, feminist woman!

smallpotato - glad you liked my post I don't spend loads of time studying or anything! I just sometimes put French or Spanish radio on while I cook dinner, or read the headlines in the papers in French or Spanish at nap time, watch a French film at the weekend rather than one in English, am re-reading my novels from uni while I feed the baby, that kind of thing. I need to do as much as possible as my future livelihood (and sanity!) depends on it! Do you think you'll go back to work? Is it language related?

Great thread, I identify with pretty much what everyone has said here in some way or another! And wordfactory you're so right, it was hard graft for our aunts and grannies and mothers in some cases. One of my aunties had to bring up her dcs in a draughty farmhouse with no bathroom or mod cons, etc and had to look after her elderly infirm MIL. No babysitters, career, swimming or yoga for her!